Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Book of All Things New

I'll have to do most of the talking. wilkravitz is busy babysitting the 'little ones' and the others are busy girding their loins (so to speak) for battle. Yes, you have it right. It's me, the former disembodied spirit. But since I've 'found' my etherial identification card, just call me Zeb. Now, the three vamps are up. It's dark, Tomas found his shoe. And if you're a regular, you know how he is with his clothes. He's upstairs, sitting in the 'playroom.' Lord... can you imagine, vampires with a playroom? Anyway, Baylah has the floor. Boy, is she asking a lot of questions. She always asks a lot of questions. And Sarah just sits theere thinking. No, I take it back. She's not just thinking. She's also sorting out a pile of mismatched Barbie outfits for the little girl vampires. You know, the elves. Shhhh, be quiet. Baylah's talking. Here's what she's saying -----What? So 'they' want us to banish evil and destroy all evil forces? What the hell is this, a comic book? Well I sure as hell ain't gonna put on one of them 'V' masks. If you ask me, he ain't nothing but a girlie lookin' Zorro.....(others do not respond...... she looks around) Look at all this Chuckie Cheese crap. I miss my piano bar. I miss the Mutter Museum. That was a good place for vampires to talk..... All them disgusting, medical oddities and all.... (Sarah reflexively nods. She liked it too) ... You know how much I liked that pickled baby collection. I was kinda attached to one particular little pickled, two-headed, white baby. You know the one I mean? He was in the third big jar on the second shelf. Hey, Albion, you think when you go out, you could bring back that pickled white baby? ..... (But before he can respond, Edith puts down her copy of In Touch Magazine and speaks)......Edith ---- They're coming.......Tomas----- What, here?........ Edith---- No....... Tomas ------ That is a relief.......Edith----- They're coming everywhere.........(the talking is over. it is Zeb again).....Tomas' knee started to twitch. Baylah just mouthed the word shit. A suddenly concerned Sarah absentmindedly put a piece of Barbie cruise wear into an old Ken case. They just sat. And they thought. Vampires are good at that. But they were girding their loins.They were spiritually preparing themselves for the test, because they knew. They all knew. They could feel it too..........OK, now we have to cut to 'Jock City,' the sports complex down in South Philadelphia, the Wells Fargo Center. The joint is jumpin'  to the rhythm of a tight, back and forth, sweaty, round ball contest ( a comparative rarity in this town). A fight breaks out down by courtside. Some insipid (though well connected) Center City professional type spills a little bit of his, lava hot, double mocha onto the Banana Republic clad thigh of an insecure, celebrity restauranteur. The food maven jumps up and sends his pencil necked attacker flying. Chairs arc in all directions. A whiney, little white girl in the second or third row (the kind that Sir Charles just loved to spit on) starts bellowing and crying. Her 'Real Housewives of the Mainline' wannabe moma slaps the big, dumb goof next to her. Security guards come running. The game is interrupted. Scattered  posses of Joe Six Packs campin' up in the cheap seats start yellin' encouragement and attacking their neighbors just for the  hell of it. Kids run down onto the court and start doin' hootchie dances. Then they get tired of that and run out into the 'mall' area where they loot some t-shirt concession and make off with half the freshly baked stock of a nearby Cinabon. What can I tell you? Sports fans are passionate around here....But then the lights up high in the rafters begin to explode and go out. Look, I can't lie. The Shaky Hand Man is behind that. Up till then it was all just a lot of fun. But now the panic sets in. And off by a darkened entrance, Annie holds a door open so forty or so of her wild, snarling canine friends can race into this churning mass of humanity and take their pick from among the desperately fleeing asses, or if they so desire, from some terrified, vulnerable throat. And the whole thing is recorded on dozens of cell phones streaming directly onto You Tube. Look, if you want to see more, stay up tonight. The whole thing is gonna be on Nightline....... Fiftysix people died that night. Thirtytwo of them were people who'd received free tickets as a reward for charitable acts......Score one for the other side.....

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