Monday, February 21, 2011


L'il Bastid Annie was in a funk. She sat on a chair. I think it was one of the ancient Roman ones from storage. She kicked her feet back and forth, as she yelled - I wanna go kill a lion! I wanna go kill a lion! Take me to the zoo! Take me to the zoo!....Papa leaned over one of his favorite aroma candles, trying to breathe in the vapor and calm down. Usually it worked. But tonight was different. He could not stand that skinny, little quasi-dead brat. The honeymoon (or whatever you'd call the kissy period between a 'thirty eight year old' vampire and his 'six' year old companion) was over. And he really did not know what to do with her. If there was a wood chipper nearby, she'd be takin' a bath in it real fast. That'd teach her a lesson. If there was anything left over to teach. One of the museum guard 'familiars' knocked and stuck his head into the door. He said - You want me to take her upstairs to play with the mummies some more, boss?....Papa shook his head and moaned - No, forget that. She put sunglasses and brassieres on all the female mummies. And we forgot to take them off when we went to bed in the morning.....They looked nice!-blared Annie. Real sexy!....And she stuck her tongue out at the guard..........You know, the administrator saw that and he's starting to suspect things, you little bitch! - yelled Papa.........No, no. - said the guard. Zeke, one of the morning guys covered up real good. And now some wild ass, too smart, fifth grader is spendin' a week in detention for actin' up on a class trip........Papa chuckled - Humans, what assholes.......Well? - said Annie.....Well, what? - answered Papa......Are yeh takin' me to the zoo????.......He just shot her a look. And she flew back off that chair, slammed into the wall and slid up to the ceiling, where her head banged real hard, right against a bumpy piece of old-fashioned, carved molding. Like one of them carnival games where you pound the little see-saw and send some wooden ball bouncin' up to ring the bell. ...She fell down real fast, smackin' her boney ass against the bare, cold hardwood floor. Boy, was she mad. You could see her trembling. Not in fear. But with rage... Papa said - You better learn how to control yourself, or you know what I'll do......She spit at him. Lungered up a huge wad from the back of her throat and fired it right at his face...Caught him on the cheek. And a little bit dribbled down along his chin...He didn't say a word. He just smiled. A real nice, evil smile. And the next thing you know, that little shit ass' mouth went 'POP' and disappeared, like it was never there. Just skin from her witchy, little nose to her pointy, ratty chin. Her hands flew to her face. Her eyes were wild with fright. You could see her tongue pushin' against the other side of her flesh lookin' for a way out.....Papa said - You like that?.....She quickly shook her head 'no.'.......Papa sighed, lifted his arm and waved his hand towards her head. There was a painfull ripping sound as the meat split apart and the mouth reappeared....Boy did those lips look bloody and sore.  She took a few fast quick breaths, banged her fists on the floor and started to wail......Oh, God. She's gonna kill us all - moaned Papa.....You want me to look in some a them old scrolls we got and see if anybody ever wrote anything about the right way to kill a rotten, little vampire bitch,like her? - whispered the guard.....No, - said Papa, what good would that do? I'm over twenty eight thousand years old. You think I don't know how to do that? I wrote them God damned scrolls. Painted a lot of them stoneage cave murals too, if you wanna know the truth.....Boy were kids different back then. Even the vampire ones.. You do something like this and BAM! crushed by the cave bear. Damn, I wish we had a bear pit......He glared at Annie and said - If you shut your mouth, lick that blood off your lips and act like a civilized little demon, I'll have Gus take you upstairs to the live specimens and let you rip the legs off a few tarantulas. Would you like that?......She sniffed, belched and nodded her head......Papa gestured toward the guard and he lead her away......Such was life deep within the basement storage rooms of the great museum....And the venerable, Cro-Magnon night lord leaned back over the aroma candle and let it do its work........Oh, how he hungered for the others...... For Jonathon.....For Sarah....For the nice, little children....The troubles of a vampire.......And sixty eight miles away, in the movie-set beach town of Margate, New  Jersey, Baylah (the one vampire he hadn't met) was about to confront some problems of her own.........

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