Tuesday, March 29, 2011


Now, I'm talking about the new house. They had sleeping quarters in the basement, small, but comfortable. You know, meant to be dark during the day. The bedrooms up stairs were regular bedrooms, opulent and commodious. Let's see. Are you familiar with the decorating shows on HGTV? Because if you are, you know the look. The floors were polished hardwoods covered in fine, thick wool area rugs. Upholstered pieces were neat and tailored. Tables tended to be very dark and simple. Ceramic lamp there. A glass lamp here. Doo-dad, doo-dad. chachki, chachki. You get the idea. And the kitchen was like the ones on cooking shows. Only few people ever bothered here. The mortals cooked once in a while. But even they went out or ordered in most of the time. A formal fireplace graced the living room and a not so formal fireplace held court in the wood paneled den. Now I'm not talking about 'big box store' wood panelling. I'm talking about country club or college library wood panelling, with molding. Like the kind Ward Cleaver had. Gee, I wonder if he was related to Eldridge? Zebulon tends to get contemporary cultural references all mixed up. And 'mixed up' is an understatement. Things were in chaos around here. Not because of the move. Vampires are adaptable. They can handle that. No, I mean because all that Johnny Jump Up business. Sure, they knew he was around, just like they know the Jersey Devil is really out there. But no one went near him. They stayed away and kept their distance. Did they know what he was? No. They're not even sure what they truly are. You think 'Jimmy' knows? He's old. He's been around a long time. That's it. But do you think he grasps any of the philosophy or meaning behind it? Please, don't make me laugh. Vampires invent belief systems like school girls make up styles. Oh, they last a bit longer, maybe for centuries. Maybe for five thousand years. But they die out sooner or later. Only this time was different. The Johnny Jump Up business I mean. They know about mass media. Remember those religious visions people had a while back? Remember 'Our Lady of the Olive Garden Restaurant' and 'Elijah comes to Rodeph Sholom'? Boy was that a mess. They don't want that anymore. True, the media wants to keep the killing quiet. But people hear things. The landlord saw it. He threw up right on the spot, for God's sake. Her face was chewed off. The flesh on her hands was chewed off. The bones were sticking out. Good bone structure though, I must say. Yet that is beside the point. Is she in Heaven? I  don 't know. If I can exist like this, why not? But the landlord told his wife. The cops made him swear he would not. Yeah, right. And the wife called her sister. And the sister called all the other women in the family. Everybody had to be warned , after all. Some of them had kids. Kids got those little, push-button 'talking phones.' After a few hundred heartbeats half the world knows. You wanna see whats going on on the twitter? Justin Bieber wishes he had as many hits. Oooh, how modern Zebulon is. So all the not-really-dead are out looking for another type of animated corpse. Edith and her two Red Paint buddies are doing some kind of ceremony in the kitchen. They mumble prayers. They touch their foreheads. It's supposed to help them see things. But so far all they've seen is that container of butter pecan in the freezer (left by the real estate woman, along with the other groceries) 'cause boy has that gone down. So Jonathon/Tomas and Sarah and Jimmy/Papa and Luna and Baylah (she don't have no monster-hunting date. her mortal boyfriend has to get up early) are out on a snipe hunt. Like a real live Scream Movie it is. The streets are deserted. Everybody's afraid. Our vampires (who should be home protecting their valuable familiars) are out playing college kids in a fright flick. And according to some hysterical girl on Facebook, the monster, the skinny bastard, has been seen again. I don't know where. But don't go near a window. And if you have to go pee in the middle of the night, pay attention to who or what you hear running across the roof. Better make sure that skylight's locked tight too.......

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