Friday, April 15, 2011


The vampires were no help. They still couldn't catch Muggs. The Anti-Enchantment-Bureau didn't know what to do. Thirty something thousand years worth of vampires didn't know what to do. And the killer monkey wasn't even in the area. He jumped on the back of a farm truck loaded with bales of hay. When the sun came up, he just made a little hidey-hole and burrowed in. It was instinctive. Nobody had to tell him. And now he's somewhere in up-state New York, terrorizinng early spring nature lovers in the Adirondacks. But let some up-state New York disembodied spirit report on that. I got other crap to worry about. Annie didn't kill no animals at the zoo. But she did bite the tails off a bunch a angry monkeys. I think that little bitch got a thing for monkeys. Maybe 'cause she acts like one herself. And then she takes one of the bleeding tails, bites her tongue and slurps some a her blood all over the shreaded up end, which she proceeds to stick right in the middle of a screamin' monkey's forehead. Well, you know how their blood is, the vampires, I mean, so it sticks and it takes root. She starts laughing. The dazed monkey don't know what to make of it. The other tail-less monkey's are looking like they just seen God or something. Then they start spitting on their disconnected tails and trying to jam  'em back in place. Only that don't work. So they got these burnin' wounds right over they're asses and they can't do much about it, save pick up monkey turds and wing 'em at Annie's face. She would a liked to reciprocate, only she don't produce no turds. So she just sticks out her tongue (I do think she got a little bit a monkey poo on it, but what's a little noxious contagion mean to her), jumps over the moat and runs away. Now don't expect to read that story in the paper, unless you subscribe to The Supermarket, Fat Slob, Front Step Gazette. And the television ain't gonna say nothing either. Wanna know what happened? In the morning, when the 'authorities' saw the results ( especially that little fore-head-tailed bastard), they euthanized all them critters and shipped 'em off to some lab. Not Doctor Franklin's place. These were official assholes from down in Washington. You know, with the mirrored sunglasses and clenched jaws. That's how you tell.

Later, when Papa and the others got back from Jersey, he almost tore that stringy-haired demon apart. These vampires been gettin' so much attention lately, they might as well sit and wave on Oprah. See, I'm starting to think Baylah's the smart one. She loves 'em. She visits 'em. But she stays away. I mean she gets enough attention just from lookin' like Beyonce. What else does she need? And the elves and cherubs always keep a low profile. You don't have to worry about them. It's them full growed, hoomin bean vampires I'm worried about. They been seen at The Olive Garden. They been seen at synagogues. People watch 'em on the You Tube. Hell, I think Papa showed up on TMZ for a few seconds. His hootchie-girl's sex tape, I mean. Jonathon feels real bad about what's been happening lately. You know how quiet he is. Sarah feels it too. Is this why God made him a vampire? (that's how he looks at him, it's no joke) Is he nothing more than some comic-book character? I can read his mind. That thousand-year-old-Andalisian-Spanish-Jew is extremely depressed. Sarah sits with him. They whisper and talk. Oh, it's quiet here now. Papa scared that Annie thing real good. Sent her back to the corona of the sun for a little while. You know she don't like that. Shit, who would? Make a two thousand foot tidal wave comin' at ya look just like a drop a piss. I think they're gonna leave, Jonathon and Sarah, I mean. He wants a go to Japan and help cure people bewitched by too much magic dust. Radiation particles, I think they call it. Papa tells 'em to do what they want. What's time mean to him? They'll be back...I guess.. Right now they're downstairs in a resting cabinet. We can hear that door bangin' back and forth all over the house and this a BIG house and thats a heavy, tight door. So there some serious vampire lovin' gone on down there. Edith and the Red Paint folks came back. They're sittin' in the kitchen playing canasta or something. Look at them. Like they don't hear a thing. I just hope they don't bust that skinny, old, copper water pipe between the cabinet and the wall. Last thing we need around here is a flood. Papa wants to decompress too. He's in another cabinet. But all he got in there with him is a hand-held video game. And at the rate he goin', I give those buttons about two more minutes........Ooooh!! I just seed into Jonathon's mind, hers too! You know vampires can slap together these alternate 'dream' universes when they want (that's how Papa scares Annie). Wanna know where they are? In Centaur Land. You seen that old opera-cartoon, Fantasia? Well then you know what I mean. Man, for substantially sized creatures, them horse people can really twist theyselves into unusual positions.....Don't bother me no more. Zebulon is busy.............

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