Tuesday, June 26, 2012

A LITTLE VAMPIRE TRAVELING MUSIC PLEASE

Done. It was settled. The mermaid-hag goes free. Doctor Franklin was convinced he couldn't learn anymore from her. She was crazy. She was old. She had to go home. We can't tell you exactly how old, because we don't know. Some sea captain... a whaling era sea captain... sold her to the Anti- Enchantment-Bureau way back when it was still called The Junto. This was like in early Federalist times. You know, lots of blinding, white neck linen and Beau Brummel top hats. If you need a visual, Google the Cholly Knickerbocker guy from The New Yorker. 


Medics seem to think mer-folk age like whales... and some of them are believed to be more than two hundred years old. Not much, compared to vampires and all, but, hey, I'll take it. Just in case you're wondering, it's me, wilkravitz. They got me back doing channeling duty. Didn't get no new sneakers yet. I'll let you know when and if....


So it's gonna be Papa, Luna and the crazy, old, cackling sea-hag. I think they decided on Luna because she was originally some kind of physician and they always send a saw-bones on these things. Remember STAR TREK?


A helicopter's takin' 'em out to the western edge of The Gulf Stream. Papa wanted to sublimate, but the sea-hag opted for the 'sky ride,' as she called it and after all she's been through, they gave it to her.  It's one of those big choppers, like the army has, 'cept ain't no army guys flying it. This is strictly a Doctor Franklin (and that means Anti-Enchantment-Bureau) joint. But they wear mirrored sunglasses too. And some of 'em talk with these phony, real clipped, 'South'ron' accents, so what's the diff? Like army guys dipped in a little bit a Hogwarts sauce. That's what they are.


Got a little tank for the old mermaid. Has to have a lid so the water don't go sloshing all around. Couldn't get her no raw salmon. Not enough time. So some guy ran out to the Acme (Albertson's to non-Philly people) and grabbed a whole lot a Mrs. Paul's crap. (n0, I DON'T mean that it's actual crap. We just talk that way, so deal with it. I eat it too. So shut your mouth. OK?). She don't like the bread crumb part, but the stuff 'under' is all right.


Papa and Luna are already naked. They have to be naked when they hit the water, in order to meld with the whales. And did I tell you they once had a 'thing' going? I know I must have. Look, if you're a regular reader, you know all that. Sarah almost bit off a titty. But now she don't care. She's the 'wife.'  This one (Luna) is just the slut. That's how it is. Like in the British aristocracy.


Pilot takes 'em down real low. WHUMP-WHUMP-WHUMP from the blades echos up from the surf....waves fan out in concentric circles. Wind blowin'. Moon shinin'. Gulls screamin' (they feed out here.) Whales singin'. Papa takes Luna's hand. He leans in and kisses her, as they jump. Then about eight mirrored sunglasses guys tip the tank and send the loony sea-hag back where she belongs.  Oh, she was SO happy, clappin' her hands and singin' Popeye the Sailor..... Funny thing is, when she hit the water she got younger. Not that she looked any better...Just acted it. Started beatin' her ratty old fluke up and down, just like a dolphin. Papa let her go. She knows the way. But he did wrap her up in a real tight hoo-doo (magic barrier) to keep away the sharks and orcas.


'Bout forty eight heartbeats later, he sees the whale.... real big one, like a fin, or a great blue... something like that. Rises up from the depths like a giant ghost, or maybe like a Jules Verne submarine. You know they can be more than one hundred feet long? 'Bout fourteen times longer than Papa. If  you were a whale and say like six feet tall, them little vampires would be just under five and a quarter inches.... like a salt shaker, or something like that..... Like the native guy in King Kong The Original's mouth...... So instinctively Luna tenses up. But Papa starts rubbin' her flanks and ticklin' her thighs to make her relax. Then he wraps her in his arms real tight and they sink down onto the great, broad back of this prince of the sea. Ten heartbeats later they stretch out flat, belly to the beast, as the mucus starts oozing from specialized pours, enveloping them in a thick, heavy, protective cocoon...


We couldn't travel like that. We'd die. But vampires can. It's how they cross the sea. It's how they've always crossed the sea.


You know the Story 'Bout Jonah? Well, in reality it was something like this...


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