Sunday, September 23, 2012


Nobody home. All cleared out, 'cause contractors workin' on switchin' 'round Conrad's room. Went to the Jersey Pine Barrens... thickest, densest woodland habitat on the east coast. And it all right in the middle a Philadelphia, Atlantic city and New York. Who'd a thunk it? 

Got alligator snappin' turtles what chomp down baby ducks like cocktail weenies. Don't ask me what they does to more genuine sausages. Gotta be mighty brave go skinny dippin' in them waters. But folks does it anyways, 'cause them little forest swimmin' holes look so nice...all cool and shady.... not too many dead raccoon. Bobcats take care a that. Like thirty two pound Tasmanian Devil what got feline-ized and lost in New Jersey. 

Lot a crap get lost in the Pines. Human crap too. It the Whack Capital a the east coast. Mister Never-You-Mind knowed all 'bout it back when he live in New Orleans. Mister Never-You-Mind is me... jus' in case you new to all this.

Edith and Mister Edith, her huzzbannd, got a cabin. It rustic, but not too rustic. Toilets flush (they got two) and everything. Like what Martha Stewart and Ralph Lauren would have, if say the communiss' took over. Porch is nice...all screened in. Edith like to sit out there late at night when she home. Ghosts is out bummin' 'round then and some a them float by to see how she doin'.

Vampires gotta rough it here. Sleep down in the root cellar. It basically a regular cellar, these days. But back in the day they used to throw roots down there. Think 'roots' meant taters... carrots too, maybe.

Mister Edith mostly sit out in the shed. He make stuff.... liquor mostly. Learned it from his grand-daddy. Grand-Daddy know 'Nucky' Johnson first hand. Johnson the real name. Had a change it for that GTO television program, 'cause the real Nucky still got wrinkled up children and even though they senile, doan like people bad-mouthin' they daddy. Nucky don't care. He still go 'ghosty-ghost' 'round The Ritz. That a big condominium wiff a fancy pool on The Boardwalk these days. Ninth floor the most ghosty part. That where Nucky lived. Some old farts say he still sit in on a hand a pinochle now and then. Card room where they used to deal out the whores. So I guess he still partial to the place. 'Lantic City got lots a stories. Screw Reno. 'Lantic City biggest little city in the world. Everybody got a 'Lantic City story. Gimme a few night. I get some for you.

Larry... I mean 'Leo' like the Pines. He go runnin' through the trees, scarin' the Jersey Devils and all. Horsey Skeezix near shit hisself. He a young Jersey Devil...jus' a boy. Then Leo come back and ask what he gotta do 'bout West Nile Virus. Should he smear on any crap or something. Edith laugh so hard she spit chewed up tater chips right in his face..... Say - Ain't no West Nile bastids queer for you. You dead, or somethin' like dead. You un-bite-able. Doan worry. Your ass is safe 'round here...... He say - It is? You sure?...... She say 'yeah' few more times. That make Leo happy. He start dancin' 'round and swingin' from them trees. Pull off all his clothes and go runnin' off whoopin' in a the dark. Think he prick hisself on a few thorns or somethin', but I doan know. 

Rest a the night-folk off parlayin' wit' them Red Paint goomers. They that old tribe. Not Injuns...older'n Injuns. You know. Men-folk all look like Captain Jean-Luc Piccard a the starship Enterprise and lady-folk look like champion skier, Peekaboo Street. Can't 'splain why that so, but it is. Red Paints ain't magic actually, but close to it. Read a mind jus' like the back of a Wheaties box. Mighty fine animal talkers too. Don't go - Oo-oo, ah-ah, ee-ee, but they make theyselves understood just the same. 

Leo settin' on a log talkin' a two dead flapper gals. They playin' wit' him. He laughin'. Sometime he stop laughin'. 'Cause you know, some kind a ticklin' ain't ticklish.

Gotta stop now. Feel like doin' some Pine ghostin' myself. Sound like them crickets be callin' my name....

Aw-ray-vwa, as folks say back home...Until next time, America......and Canada and Mexico plus all them other places where folks wear funny hats...


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