Wednesday, August 14, 2013


Life is a puzzle. No, really it is. The reason human beans can't breed with French Poodles has to do with 'innies' and'outies' and how things snap together. And I mean on a microscopic level. Think of DNA as a zipper. Unless all the teeth line up correctly all you gonna get is a really weird experience. 'Almost' doesn't count. This ain't quoits. 

They say Stalin tried to mix humans and apes (chimps mostly). Wanted to breed a race of super soldiers possessed of unbelievable endurance, plus the uncanny ability to hurl shit at the enemy with unerring accuracy. But America's development of the atomic bomb put an end to the shit throwing race. That's how it is. 

Medieval alchemists surreptitiously attempted the replication of mythological beasts, uniting goats and apprentices in order to bring forth satyrs and fauns. But all they got out of it was syphilis.

Contemporary scientists create exotic combinations via gene therapy, whipping up such delightful hybrids as spider-silk-goats (yeah, they still use goats) who excrete a rarefied 'milk' that condenses into high tensile (and exceedingly strong) spider silk.

And, to revisit the past again, Russia's Catherine the Great almost killed herself trying to bring back the centaur..... But I think we're really lucky she failed. If they HAD centaurs today, how would they use public bathrooms and where would they sit on the bus? Plus we'd have to manufacture special pieces of apparatus enabling them to clean themselves after defecation. That would be a must. And how the hell are they ever gonna be able to pull up their pants with short, little human arms?.... Would they even be legally required to wear pants???

My God, Labra-doodles are bad enough.

But the LYCANTHRO-SHARK is real. We're only compelled to pretend it's fiction for obvious reasons. I wanted to tell you more, but it's three A.M. here and I'm tired. So come back tomorrow night. And join the conversation. Leave a COMMENT. See what all we got by clicking on ~>WOW, LOOK WHAT HE GOT! ... join me on Twitter at ~> @wilkravitz ... 

Werewolves, humans and sharks... oh my. 

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