Tuesday, March 25, 2014


We rode in a taxi. I don't know why. Sublimation would have been much faster. I don't know if the 'born' witch, Pig Blood Annie actually moves through space like we do. But I'm sure she has her methods too. Yet she didn't want to do that. So we walked around the corner and down the street, where there was more commercial traffic and I hailed a cab. Imagine, three people in ridiculous, lush, dark, full length mink coats. One with a nurses' aide uniform underneath and a talkative parasitic head sticking out of her belly under that. Thank God the wizened, little head bastard slept through most of it, though he did mumble a bit in his sleep.

I think the witch just wanted to observe humanity. Maybe 'humanity' is not the right term. For have we all not human forms? Are we not all born of human mothers... even the witch. It's the details that are different. That's all. The driver looked at us and said -  What? The Russian circus is in town?... I suppose because of the furs and all. We even had matching hats. The witch didn't like that  and instantly lopped his head off with a dirty look. Tomas shrieked - Are you out of your mind. We're gonna crash!... Sarah went - Please! Please! Please! Please! Oh, God, No!... Blood was everywhere, pulsing up from whatever vessel it is that supplies the pressure. Even the windows turned red.

Shut up, you pansy, vampire, bastards you - said the witch, as she blew a fart that instantly snapped the driver's head from off the floor and smacked it back in place, abet slightly crooked, upon his shredded neck. Oh, all the blood disappeared too. So we weren't locked inside an old fashioned, diner, juice machine anymore. But the driver's face looked a little bit goofy. Considering the ordeal, that was to be expected. And it became obvious to Tomas and Sarah that the witch had been in charge since they got in. The figure at the wheel was just to throw off the cops.

Sarah said - Is he dead? For good, I mean.... The Laura Linney witch thing ( and I gotta tell you it was supremely unnerving to see that gracious countenance used like that) said - What do you care? I'll fix him! I'll fix him! I'll fix him, you schmucky bastards!..... So we rode a little way in silence, til the witch whispered - Look at them (she meant the people on the street). They live so fast. They die so young. And my kind (she meant witches) don't match you bastards. But still, you know..... She turned toward Tomas and asked - How old are you?..... He said - I don't know. I think I was born in the year ten seventy, maybe ten seventy five. Calendars were different then. Some still counted from Rome. Some from Charlemagne. Some from the last time their dad took a bath. But you'd call it ten seventy or so..... (more silence) The witch says - Then what? You're like nine hundred and forty years old?.... Tomas goes - Yep..... Witch goes - Then why they always sayin' ' a thousand?' I been readin' this blog thing. That 'Billy' guy, I wanna kill him, always says 'a thousand.' Can't he count?...... They round it off. They just round it off. That's how people talk. When you pay one ninety nine for a cup of coffee, don't you say two dollars? - asked Sarah..... But the witch ignored her and entertained herself playing around with the driver's face.  She cackled and each time she did, he changed a little.... sickening 'barf' face.... pursed-lip lady face.... cross-eyed crazy guy... Witch points toward rear view mirror and goes - Don't he look funny!?.... Even Tomas had to stifle a little laugh.... Trouble is they were stopped at a light ('born' witches obey all the traffic laws. They know how to fit in.). Cop comes over mid Pee-Wee Herman Face, taps on window and goes - Yo, buddy. you all right?..... Window comes down (witch's doing). Driver spews projectile vomit all over cop's head, instantly transforming it into an horrific human scaled fly head.  Cop stumbles back, plops down on bench and goes - Jesus Christ. Scruffy guy next to him looks, grabs his gun and runs away. Light changes. Window rolls up. And they're off. Tomas goes - Yo, Endora, quit the parlor tricks..... Witch goes - Eh, shut up (eyes buildings and whispers). Where's my baby?...... Sarah messed with crap in her purse. Temporarily dead, technically decapitated driver drove. And that was it. Nobody said a word... No, wait. I'm wrong. Witch turns to Sarah and goes - Yo, bitch, you got a breath mint..... Vampires use breath mints from time to time. Long as they suck 'em up to spit and don't chew 'em it's alright. So she finds some Tic-Tacs in her purse and hands 'em over. Witch takes one, opens her coat, scrunches up her nurses' aide top and gives it to the parasitic head, who chomps it up right away. Head goes - Another one.... Witch turns to Sarah and goes - You mind?... Sarah goes - Keep 'em.

Meanwhile, up above, on the pinnacle of a huge skyscraper (The Comcast Center maybe), Peter, the evil elferino kid sits clutching baby Boopsie to his chest. She twists around and looks over too, just as far below the taxi with the technically decapitated driver passes. A rare spring snow begins to fall as the baby sadly whispers - Mom-mom. Mom-mom. Mom-mom.

Peter hugs her tight against the cold night air, kisses her head (through the thick, knit cap), smiles an evil smile and whistles the opening bars to 'Teddy Bears' Picnic.'..... (When you go into the woods tonight, you're in for a big surprise)

Unnamed, disembodied, spirit narrator signing off.

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