Tuesday, September 15, 2015


Ca-Ca's kitchen... The next evening. Four people sit 'round the table under the old 'copper' pull down light fixture -- Ca-Ca, Timothy, Ca-Ca's cousin Mike and an Amy Winehouse wannabe named Cheyanne.

They all talk at once....

Ca-Ca- SHUT UP you asshole idiots and let her talk!

Cheyanne - (cracks her gum) Alls I wanna say is we gotta talk money. I'll do it. I got a drivers license. I ain't got no record and I do not currently do drugs.

Mike - And she wants to go to California...

Cheyanne - That's just part of it, you numb nuts son of a bitch!

Mike - She'll dump you in a minute and run away with the money. You'll be cryin' outside a Fat Burger. You wanna do something smart? Kill her too.

Cheyanne - Why is he in here. Why is he even in here? You know I wanna go to California. I'm gonna be a singer...

Mike - Or give hand jobs...

The two ten year olds snicker.

Ca-Ca - Can't we all just get along?!

They get quiet.

Ca-Ca - What I keep thinkin' is if Mike comes, like as our big brother, he brings his share of the money too. Then we have it all...

Mike - You won't have it 'all.'

Ca-Ca - I don't mean like that. I mean we'll have it all together. Thirty six thousand dollars... all of it in one place.

Cheyanne - Yeah, but he got a record...

They hear a noise in the alley out back.

Cheyanne - What time your parents get home?

Ca-Ca - Not for a while. They gotta bust all the boils in her fat creases...

Mike - And your dad puts up with that?

Ca-Ca - What do you mean?! YES he puts up with it.  They got her naked on a big table, under a big light. He HAS to be there. She's his wife, you dumb shit. And she's MY mother!!

Cheyanne - Won't you miss her? I mean like if we run away.

Ca-Ca doesn't say anything. She thinks for a couple heartbeats and nods.

Timothy - (clears his throat) I think we're gonna need more money. You know how much gas costs? You know how much cheap motels cost? And bed bug stuff? And forty chicken nuggets cost ten dollars.

Nobody says anything...

Timothy - We're gonna spend at least one hundred dollars a day, not counting Tylenol and cold pills and sneakers and jeans and underwear and stuff for her period and deodorant and...

Ca-Ca - Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! We don't just drive around. And she's not gone to California. How the hell does she think we can afford California?! We find a little town up in the mountains and ...

Mike - And What? Buy a cabin? You know how much cabins cost? Jesus Christ! Don't you ever wastch HGTV?!?!

Timothy - This isn't gonna work. We're not gone no where. They're gonna catch us and that's it... And now SHE knows too and either we kill her or I don't know what we're gonna do....

Cheyanne - Nobody gotta kill me. My neighbor, Bob, killed his wife and stuffed her in an old water boiler. Put it out with the trash. Nothing happened and that was fifteen months ago. Said she left him for a dealer in Atlantic City....

Timothy - And how do you know this?

Cheyanne - (shrugs and cracks her gum)

Mike breaks out in a fit of laughing.....

Cheyanne - Yeah, so now maybe Bob gotta kill all a youse!

Mike - (still laughing) Only if we let you out a here. Only if we let you leave.

Ca-Ca - He stuffed her in an old water boiler?

Cheyanne - Yeah, why?

Ca-Ca - Nothin' (looks at Timothy) Maybe we should talk to Bob?...

<cut to black... continued next time>


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GUANO IS BAT SHIT ... 9/14/15

a rest from Ca-Ca and Timothy and all that #HomicideWanderers

Some chain gangs are so deep in the woods they can do all kinds a stuff.... chop off feet and jam red hot metal cups over stumps and make bastids walk around on 'em. Shove a prisoner's arm down the wood chipper and serve it up as 'hash' come chow time.

Camp McHattie one a the worst. Commandant called 'Big Daddy.' And he ride around on a medieval looking dove grey Percheron stallion named Zeke, who the only horse I ever seed with his teeth filed down into huge sharp yellow points. 

An' then they got Punkin Head. Bought him off a ship captain out a French Guyana. Tried to cut his head off down Devil's Island. But a big bolt a lightning hit the blade just 'fore it break the skin, causin; it to go in a little crazy-like. Head fly off (most of it) but little bit a brain stem left hangin' out a the neck, all throbbin' and oozin'. Windpipe all suckin' air an' blowin' bubbles.

Camp saw-bones start hollerin'. He say - Don't put him in a box! Don't put him in a box! ... Cause they had a nice empty, corrugated cardboard box used a hold cans of Spaghetti-O's all ready for him. So medic guy goes to work. Can't stitch on the head, 'cause it dead. But he can pull the skin up tight 'round the edge a that windpipe an' staple it down real tight. He can do that... cover up throbbin' brain stem and waa-laa... headless bastid keep right on tickin'. All you need is a brain stem to keep your systems runnin'. Learned that on a box a Lucky Charms. Guy was blind and deaf and think like a rattle snake but he still run around, wave his hands like a sissy gal and piss hisself all over the place. Take food through his pie-hole too. Medic guy cleaned that up real good.

Big Daddy, the commandant guy put him in a room. Put naughty prisoner in wit' him. Lock it up an' let 'em get to know each other. Punkin Head start grabbin' and feelin' and humpin'. He hump everything. It like a religion wit' him. Then he stick his fingers in wherever he can... gouges eyes... do all that. He got like a routine. He got like an act. No punkin on top a his neck when he in there, just a round, smooth mound wit' two holes in it... one 'cause he gotta breeve and one 'cause he gotta eat.

Sometimes prisoner die. Sometimes they don't. But they always crazy. Punkin Head wear a punkin head on his neck when he run around outside. He got a lot a punkin heads. One like Bette Boop, but with little hole on her lips to let air in. One like evil jack-o-lantern. An' one like Michael Jackson if he had a big, blowed up orange head. Got a nice, black, shiny wig and everything. One like Elizabeth Taylor, but she don't look so good.

Prisoners hate Punkin Head.

Worse than naughty guys get 'caramelized'. Slide 'em in a tube shaped, iron oven... real tight, like a mummy box. Got holes all over for the fire to get in. Commandant tricky. Sometimes he not light it up for days. Prisoner shake. Prisoner jump. Prisoner scream, 'cause he think fire gonna come in. Nobody like when fire come in. Some prisoner die real fast. But most die when lining of de lung get all burned up. They don't die right away. Take a few minute for brain to suffocate. That how it is.

We dig guano out a caves at Camp McHattie. We dig bat shit out a hot fetid caves. I forgot to tell you that. I been bit by a bat, so I'm a little batty.

Sometime we find old skeletons in the bat shit. Figure they prisoners what died. Tomorrow my birthday. I would like to get a set a golf clubs so I can give the big heavy one to a fella and have him bash my brains out. I would like that very much.

Commandant 'd get so mad.

tee hee hee hee hee...

<back to homicide wanderers next time>