Tuesday, March 29, 2011

A MONSTER HUNT

Now, I'm talking about the new house. They had sleeping quarters in the basement, small, but comfortable. You know, meant to be dark during the day. The bedrooms up stairs were regular bedrooms, opulent and commodious. Let's see. Are you familiar with the decorating shows on HGTV? Because if you are, you know the look. The floors were polished hardwoods covered in fine, thick wool area rugs. Upholstered pieces were neat and tailored. Tables tended to be very dark and simple. Ceramic lamp there. A glass lamp here. Doo-dad, doo-dad. chachki, chachki. You get the idea. And the kitchen was like the ones on cooking shows. Only few people ever bothered here. The mortals cooked once in a while. But even they went out or ordered in most of the time. A formal fireplace graced the living room and a not so formal fireplace held court in the wood paneled den. Now I'm not talking about 'big box store' wood panelling. I'm talking about country club or college library wood panelling, with molding. Like the kind Ward Cleaver had. Gee, I wonder if he was related to Eldridge? Zebulon tends to get contemporary cultural references all mixed up. And 'mixed up' is an understatement. Things were in chaos around here. Not because of the move. Vampires are adaptable. They can handle that. No, I mean because all that Johnny Jump Up business. Sure, they knew he was around, just like they know the Jersey Devil is really out there. But no one went near him. They stayed away and kept their distance. Did they know what he was? No. They're not even sure what they truly are. You think 'Jimmy' knows? He's old. He's been around a long time. That's it. But do you think he grasps any of the philosophy or meaning behind it? Please, don't make me laugh. Vampires invent belief systems like school girls make up styles. Oh, they last a bit longer, maybe for centuries. Maybe for five thousand years. But they die out sooner or later. Only this time was different. The Johnny Jump Up business I mean. They know about mass media. Remember those religious visions people had a while back? Remember 'Our Lady of the Olive Garden Restaurant' and 'Elijah comes to Rodeph Sholom'? Boy was that a mess. They don't want that anymore. True, the media wants to keep the killing quiet. But people hear things. The landlord saw it. He threw up right on the spot, for God's sake. Her face was chewed off. The flesh on her hands was chewed off. The bones were sticking out. Good bone structure though, I must say. Yet that is beside the point. Is she in Heaven? I  don 't know. If I can exist like this, why not? But the landlord told his wife. The cops made him swear he would not. Yeah, right. And the wife called her sister. And the sister called all the other women in the family. Everybody had to be warned , after all. Some of them had kids. Kids got those little, push-button 'talking phones.' After a few hundred heartbeats half the world knows. You wanna see whats going on on the twitter? Justin Bieber wishes he had as many hits. Oooh, how modern Zebulon is. So all the not-really-dead are out looking for another type of animated corpse. Edith and her two Red Paint buddies are doing some kind of ceremony in the kitchen. They mumble prayers. They touch their foreheads. It's supposed to help them see things. But so far all they've seen is that container of butter pecan in the freezer (left by the real estate woman, along with the other groceries) 'cause boy has that gone down. So Jonathon/Tomas and Sarah and Jimmy/Papa and Luna and Baylah (she don't have no monster-hunting date. her mortal boyfriend has to get up early) are out on a snipe hunt. Like a real live Scream Movie it is. The streets are deserted. Everybody's afraid. Our vampires (who should be home protecting their valuable familiars) are out playing college kids in a fright flick. And according to some hysterical girl on Facebook, the monster, the skinny bastard, has been seen again. I don't know where. But don't go near a window. And if you have to go pee in the middle of the night, pay attention to who or what you hear running across the roof. Better make sure that skylight's locked tight too.......

WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM.....

this is not a post. We will bring you more news concerning the vampires later this evening.

Etherial Philadelphia spectre, Johnny Jump Up made an appearance last night. Authorities report the death of a young woman somewhere in the Northern Liberties section of Center City. It appears that the killer gained access through a third story, bedroom window. There were no balconies, ledges or other exterior protuberances providing support. According to the akoshic records, the painfully thin, tall being lept up to the window, clung to the rough brick wall with both feet and one hand, while the other was used to etch some lines into one of the pains and thus gain entry. No blade or tool of any kind was used. Forensic experts detected tiny particles of keratin along the 'break' lines, indicating that they were scratched onto the surface with a long, sharp, pointy human fingernail. Residents immediately formed watch groups to help prevent any further attacks. The 'creature' sports a tight, black, late nineteenth century suit and a string tie. His black hair is long and lank. Survivors of past attacks report a greasy feel and fetid aroma. The skin is gray-white. The eyes black. Tiny, triangular teeth fill a wide mouth surrounded by thin, grinning lips. He isHEIGHT reputed to be able to jump from roof top to roof top. In effect, he can bridge the gap seperating one block from another. Please make sure all windows are shut and locked. Double pained glass is believed to provide the best protection.. Sleep with a friend. Turn on the lights (both inside and out) .Say your prayers and hope for the best. Johnny Jump Up leaves little trace and reportedly produces absolutely no sound. Specially trained dogs were unable to follow the scent, as it appeared to trail out in many directions. One urban legend claims he is a victim of premature burial, a frequent occurance in the eighteen hundreds. Cemeteries and graveyards are being inspected, with no findings to date. Isolated outbreaks like this have been reported for the last one hundred and fifty years. Details concerning the killing remain private at the request of the family. Please tune in to this site for any additional information......HEIGHT - 7'3"....WEIGHT - 155 lbs....RACE - cadaver....