Thursday, July 19, 2012

RIDING AROUND IN A BIG, BLACK STRETCH LIMO WITH DOCTOR FRANKLIN AND SOME A THE VAMPIRES

Sometimes they do that, especially on hot summer nights. Doctor Franklin calls out a car, a BIG car, a stretch limo. Sorry 'bout not typin' out the word in full, but I cannot spell it that way, OK? They like the old, black one. Blends right into the shadows. 

Tomas thinks car air conditioning is the best. He likes when they crank it all the way up. Relaxes him. Sarah don't care and Luna ain't with 'em. She went out for pancakes with a nurse she friendly wit'. Not that she eat 'em. But, you know, you can mash up a plate a real wet, syrupy pancakes real good and waitress won't even know. She think like maybe you just a light eater or something. 'Sides, most of 'em workin' where they go is  reconstituted 'X' jailbirds and they don't care none anyway. 

Doctor Franklin say they lookin' for Johnny- Jump- Up, but he don't kill folks on a regular schedule (like lunar-sync vampires) so they might as well be lookin' for Judge Crater (Google him). I do not know the name of the driver. He jus' some guy from the bureau. And it a very big bureau..... I wonder if they call pint sized government thingies 'nightstands'? ....... Annie make 'em stop at The Four Seasons Hotel. She like a little shop they got in there, 'cause they sell coloring books. Wanna get herself a Kim Kardashian one, 'cause her ass look like big hearts in all them pictures and Annie like hearts.

Conrad wanna know how come that Russian vampire get a take a piss. He thought life-eaters don't gotta do that no more. Papa say they usually  do not. But if they want to, like for old times sake, they can conjure up a whole lot a piss, only it come out like blood, 'stead a rancid Windex. Tomas (you know how fussy he is) say he NEVER piss, 'cause no matter what you do, it gonna leave stains on you clothes. Sarah say, far as she know, lady vampires never piss too. And they only carry Kotex 'cause it look normal. But not like if you a old lady vampire, 'cause then it jus' gonna look crazy.

Neanderthal guy sittin' on the jump seat. He throwin' peanuts at the hookers. Mus' be somethin' they do back in Bedrock. I doan know who gave him all them peanuts. Annie say he get 'em from the mini-bar. Damn..... mus' think like a elephant stayin' in that room.

Tomas say Johnny-Jump-Up once partial to a crypt in Laurel Hill Cemetery. So they snake through a bunch a tiny, little side streets til they get there. Go through a lot a rough places too. Seed a guy chasin' a fat, sloppy bastid in tightie-whities 'cross a whole block a hot, black, tar, row house roof-tops. Dogs barkin'. Women screamin'. An' it late. It real late. Guy had a gun too. But it jus' a bee-bee gun. Fat guy bleedin' a little from part a his left butt-cheek, yet I do not think the wound was in any way life threatening. Still, you never know.

Annie start cryin' how she wanna bee-bee gun too. So Papa go VOOM! out the window and fly up in a air. Grab it (the gun, I mean) right out the hand a the rough guy. Dog's barkin'. Women clappin'. Some ice-cream truck showed up, but I don't know where it came from. Maybe it was water-ice... Then he go VOOM! back in a car. Annie so happy! She do like her toys. Wanna see if she can hit a few crack-heads and homeless guys. But Tomas tell her that would be a sin, so  she jus' shoots at a couple rats, instead.

Three hour later Philadelphia Daily News wanna know if Papa The Green Lantern, or The Shadow. But none a the women what seen it can tell and they wouldn't know the difference anyway.

An' Johnny-Jump-Up? He all curled up in the rafters of a pier what hold up Dave & Buster's. That way he throw the victim right in the river. You know ghouls do tend to be lazy sometimes. An' zombie ghouls is worst laziest of all.....

The Russian (vampire)  guy? Never did find him...not that night anyway...

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THE RUSSIAN-VAMPIRE-PLAYBOY-OLIGARCH TOOK A BLOOD PISS ALL OVER ONE A THEM GREEN TABLE CLOTHS AT INDEPENDENCE HALL

Can't find him. Must be able to 'cloud' hisself. Got to be sleepin' somewheres, but we don't know where he is. Papa went over to the zoo. Thought maybe he'd hole up in one a them fiberglass polar bear dens. I do not know whether or not they got polar bears in Russia. They do talk about the 'Russian Bear' and all, but I can't recollect what species it is. Wears a big, tall, fur hat is all I know. And polar bears don't rightly do that. But anyway, he was not there. 


Most all the vampires, the local ones, I mean, are over wit' Doctor Franklin now. Some government guys is there too. Everybody yellin' and screamin' 'bout what that vampire, borscht for brains done to them people in Center City. Lucky they had time to scrape most of 'em  up before sunrise. Official story  (what they told the families, I mean) is they got snatched up by the aliens. Made 'em sit through a screening of COCOON. Gave 'em coffee wit' lots a chocolate-orange, Israeli, syrupy, whiskey stuff in it. Bought 'em new sneakers too, I think. Baylah say she hear they takin' 'em to 'Lantic City. You know, that's what they do at times like this.


Goomers from the Anti-Enchantment-Bureau (yeah, I know it don't make no sense) out lookin' for Johnny-Jump-Up. But since he 'sleep' all over the place, that will not be easy. 


Tomas wanna go back to Chestnut Hill. Annie say she gonna start droppin' people from the sky too, if they make her do that. 'Sides, neighbor bitch what fed her kid shitty pizza know too much 'bout them. Edith say Cherry Hill, over in Camden County, New Jersey is nice. Goes through there when she go back and forth from home. Sometimes Mister Edith like big, ole, corned beef sandwiches from The Kibbitz Room. You know how it is. Doctor Franklin say he like big, ole, corned beef sandwiches too.


He take 'em all in a see his Jersey Devil. You do know 'bout all the specimens he got? Government guy go - That's it? He look like a horsey-faced bastid wit' little, tiny bat wings glued on a his back......... Doctor Franklin assured him they real. Make the kid flap 'em and everything. He do that long as you feed him. Think some gal from the Anti- Enchantment -Bureau give him a toasted cinnamon-raisin bagel or somethin'...maybe wit' a little cream cheese. That how he like it.


Oh! And before I forget. That 'old bones'....the Neanderthal vampire, wit' 'em too. Baylah say he look like Moe from The Three Stooges. But he don't know who Moe is, so he just smile and nod. Doctor Franklin let him set in his 'lectric scooter. Let him steer it and everything. He laughin'! He whoopin'. They give him some blood squeezed out a woman wit' a touch a sugar. He like that. The woman (she work there) say the big needle hurt her ass, but she don't mind.


Annie wanna go in a other room and ride the 'laughin' hunch-back,' but nobody wanna take her. They still 'scussin' what to do about the Russian. Got a call in to Putin and everything, but can't get hold a him, 'cause he out topless horseback ridin' with a bunch a squealin' groupies. 


It good to be the king, or the czar or the big-dumb-nut, or whatever they got over there. Don't know what all them 'Natashas' is doin'. Hotel say they givin' 'em pedicures and teachin' 'em to eat with chopsticks. That's all they say....


But some security camera make a movie. It show that Grigori Usipov son-a-bitch takin' a blood whiz all over one them green table cloths  they  got at Independence Hall. Look like an old fashioned, colonial night club. But it ain't. That the room where they wrote the 'dependence declaration.'  They showin' it on You Tube right now. Vampire shit always poppin' up over there, 'cept nobody ever believe it.


We tell 'em. We do tell 'em. We say we only pretend this is fiction. But they don't know. You know how stupid human beans is.


Now, permit me to say 'good night,' for I am one tired disembodied spirit. So lemme go 'home' and play with my Leon Redbone collection a while. OK?


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