Friday, September 23, 2011

THE EARTH MOTHER OF ALL EARTH MOTHERS TAKES US BACK TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS OF 40,000 B.C.E.

I am the Lady Renate. Tell  me if I have addressed you directly before. I do not remember. Things are quiet in the City of Faith. All the little boys are minding their own business. Who knows? Pehaps it's 'the dream'? And most of the dreamers are afraid to own up to it. They keep quiet, lest others thing them insane. But they are not insane. They are awake.

Do you know that I was born at a time before distinct races, as we know them today, existed? Yes, yes, yes, there were people with white skins and brown skins and sallow skins and black skins. But the arrangement was more of a melange, or what somme call creole. I myself possess the form of a rather statuesque, Mediterranean beauty. My brother looked like a Hun. My grandfather like Jerry Lewis (but with less bear grease in his hair). That's how it was. Humans had only penetrated into the European theatre of habitation quite recently. And the discovery of the Americas (the first discovery, I mean) was still ten thousand years in the future.

How clean it all was. Every stream ran pure and clear. All the clouds were fresh and new. And  grasses sported a shade of green unseen since the time of the Scythians. We ran naked across the plains, laughing as we scattered the birds. The grasshoppers were quite delicious. I could eat five times 'toes and fingers.' That's one hundred to you. And I grew to be a great woman, a Wise Woman, in my pack. Twenty six 'flames' we were. What was a 'flame'? Well, think of a soul. It meant about the same thing.

I sat with the men. And they attended to my counsel. I spoke with the voice of the Sky. I channeled the will of God. Maybe it was because I never bled. That was usually taken as a sign among my people. It made me special. It made me strong. Other females rarely ventured far from home. We lived in a collection of wig-wams (that's what they looked like) arranged across the mouth of a large cavern. Were we afraid of attack? By animals, maybe. But not by humans. For organized bands were so far apart. Meetings were rare, usually resulting in quickly arranged 'maiden swaps.' You see, even we recognised the dangers of too much inbreeding. Sometimes the girls would cry. Yet after a few nights of almost continuous sexual attention...hot, little caresses.....luscious tastings....and slow, feather-soft massages they'd become quite distracted. Our leader, the 'Wolf Man,' would direct them to chose. Which man would they bow (you'd probably say 'bend over') for? And that was it. Congratulations to the new, not quite blushing bride. But as I said, I was not like the other females. I was the Wise Woman, a best beloved of the Sky. The night was mine, for the stars shone down for me. So I wandered, observing nature and learning what I could. Did the animals molest me? No.  For I smeared myself with noxious gall. Few creatures can withstand that.

But what I met was not a creature.......and, strictly speaking, not a human, at least not our kind of human.  Your learned men and woman would label him Neanderthal, since the bones of the breed were first uncovered in the valley of the Neander River. But they foraged all over. Some bands occupied territories not far from this city of Jerusalem we find ourselves in now. Others sojouned along the Bay of Biscay, in what is now called France. Not brutes, as you have been told, but attractive beings with an exaggerated gymnast's build and broad, pugnatious faces. Mine had sandy hair and green eyes. Did he ravish me? Yes.....in more ways than one, for he bore the enchantment. He was a life-eater.....a vampire 'caveman' if you will. Life must have been hard for him. 'Human' victims were spread so thin. Constant travel was a must. Rest came under a pile of mud and leaves. The earliest vampires would occassionally share dens with bears, especially during hibernation. Indeed, some still do so today, as regular visitors to this nocturnal conversation already know.

The second oldest vampire alive today, the one you call Papa, is my 'son,' but he came along much later. I was approximately twelve thousand years old by then. Did I have other 'children'? Yes, but they are all dead, or have been carried off to other realms in the sky. Am I talking about aliens? Of course. Oh, the things Icould tell you. If only you would understand. Not now. Some other night. For I have 'miles' to go before I sleep. And I have 'promises' to keep.

It's time to 'quicken' things. The three musicians are not enough. The miraculous parlor tricks of Jonathon (my 'grandson,' as yet unaware of his true potential) and the others are too slow. So I go to whisper in the ears of powerful men. May The Sky stretch over us. And may they listen to my councel.

Magic (real magic) Travels Faster than the Speed of Light

This is wilkravitz talking. The egg laying has subsided...actually it's disappeared all together. Honestly, I do not miss it. I mean what am I supposed to do when it happens on the bus? You can't hold back with a thing like that. The egg pops out when the egg wants to pop out. And considering the orafice 'chosen' for this miraculous occurance, the physical sensation can be very confusing. Lost a couple good ones down the toilet at Micky D's. Once, when I was feeling a bit playful, I gave a couple to a bum on the street. He thanked me for the goose eggs and proceeded to roast 'em over a can of sterno. And don't worry. He didn't get salmonella. They were fresh.

I guess the spell, or whatever it was, just wore off. Edith says magic can be like that. It's mostly just illusion anyway. They can't create actual matter out of Elizabethan rhymes and pastel colored talcum powder.......BUT, Papa says they CAN transport things (and most things are made of matter) from one place to another. So like on Bewtitched, when Samantha made yadda yadda and conjured up an elephant, that meant there had to be one less elephant in Africa, or India or Wild Country Safari. Unless it was just the illusory type of enchantment. Then, we'd look at a spider, or something and just THINK it was an elephant. So maybe I never actually laid any eggs. Maybe what I produced was a more ordinary bodily product.......Yeeeech!.......Only if that was the case, how come Edith was able to cook 'em?   They smelled all right, a little beefier and gamier than chicken eggs. That's what made 'em special.

I called that number, the one written on the back of the paper the witches gave me. Only instead of hearin' their phone ring at the other end, I picked up what sounded like a gale force wind tearing across the Antarctic ice fields. Could a been the Siberian ice fields too. I don't know. It's hard for a layman like me to discriminate between the two.

Papa says magic travels faster than the speed of light, because when conjuring folk suck a live, screaming, baby lemur right out of the air it all happens instantaneously. Ain't no 'wait' time. Not like Domino's Pizza. So maybe, according to the latest report, magic has something to do with neutrinos, those little sub-atomic particles that race through the omniverse at faster than light velocities. I asked the kid at Radio Shack if they had any neutrinos. You know. Not individual ones, but a whole bunch of 'em, in like a plastic bag or something All he knew about were the AA and AAA batteries. I told him that wasn't it, but he gave me one a the coupons anyway.

I have to go to sleep. The neutrinos in my brain are startin' to coagulate