BAYLAH, our Beyonce vampire look-a-like, SPEAKS FROM THE CRYPT

OK, you saw the title, so you know it's me. I've been sublimating back and forth between Margate, at the Jersey Shore and Jerusalem. Try to imagine what that does to my psyche. It's about 4:20pm here (Margate), so I'm still undisposed. That means I'm hiding from the light. But don't thing of me as holed up in some hard little stone vault buried deep in the oozing, mildew sand. This is 'The Downbeach' honey, Atlantic City's Malibu meets The Hamptons. The only things buried deep in the oozing, mildew sand are whacked racketeers and used Kotex. You know how messy mortal girls can get. Believe me, that is one thinng I do not miss. Although I am told that 'noxious' vampires relish such occurances.

At this  time, I am ensconced in a big, king-size bed, atop a high-end, five star hotel quality, pillow topped mattress. Special room darkening draperies block out the afternoon fire. Was I sleeping? Yeah, mostly. But right now I am watching something on HGTV. And I got this really sweet aroma candle going. My boyfriend (the rich financier) didn't have to change a thing. The master bedroom was already set up like this. High rollers sleep in a lot too. We were made for each other. That's him spooning next to me. Looks like Mister Big, don't he? He's so cute. Sometimes I forget and take a little nip. But he don't mind. He just yelps and rubs his butt...smiles a lot too, cause he knows I'm gonna give him a 'special' kiss to make up for it.

If you are familiar with the area, you probably know our house. It's the big one on the beachblock with the...No, wait. I am not going to tell you. But if you walk down the beach, look for the palace with the closed in master bedroom...the one with all the curtains. You'll spot it. You know how they open up all the rooms to 'the view' 'round here? Well this the only one that don't seem interested...at least during the sky fire time.. God!! I wish that ice cream man down by the beach would shut up. 'Fudgie-wudgie, fudgie-wudgie!!!'...he yells that all day...Gonna get the maid to throw a bucket of dog piss on him. But you know, sneaky-like, so he don't know where it came from.

We been thinking 'bout that little Andy Dick storm blowing 'round. Who the hell cares what he says? What, you mean to tell me folks feel threatened by him?....Still, I do feel sorry for the shriveled, little thing. He probably wanted that radio show real bad.....Reaaaallll baddddd.....could taste it maybe. And it is not like certain 'religious' hypocrites don't talk like that all the time. What do you think they say over Thanksgiving dinner?....Other special 'holiday' get togethers too......Look, Mel Gibson seems to be squeezin' back in again. Of course he got a note from his doctor. Who knows, maybe Hitler and half a Europe were bi-polar too?.....I miss Amy Whinehouse....She woulda made a good vampire.....Oughta have vampires stationed in all the emergency rooms. You know, to save the well suited ones.....such a waste.......So forgive that runty, little comic....He can't help it...He was born that way......And  The Biblical New Year's comin.....Time for forgiveness, lovin' everybody, eatin' honey (for a sweet year) and all that....I know. My boyfriend is one of 'em.

Now let me go back to sleep for a couple hours. We're playing poker tonight (Texas Hold 'em), over at The Borgata. And I ain't gonna let that white, old, hunch-backed, Jew, bitch beat me no more!!..........Well, you know what I mean.............................

VAMPIRES MAKE LOVE IN THE MORNING

Jonathon waited until Sarah came home. They were lodging in an eighteenth century villa just outside the walls of the Old City. Zorro could have lived in the place. It had that much Mediterranean charm. You know what I mean, all hand-laid tiles and stucco. The witch who owned it (she claims descent from a certain practitioner from Endor, once named in the Bible) took out all the electricity, so no light bulbs...only candles, big, fat, buttery, beeswax candles. I guess witches look better by candle light...vampires too.

He met her out in the patio. It was cool. You know how it gets right before dawn. The breeze picks up. A few itchy birds begin to sing. She saw him sitting in the shadows and stopped. He could smell the guilt. He held out his hand. She sat down next to him and took it. Her mind raced. She whispered something. He said - Don't...Don't...It is not necessary.....,.And he kissed her hand. She began to cry. He held her. She sobbed. He soothed her. He kissed her. She trembled and kissed him back. Then he got up, scooped her into his arms and carried her down to their chamber. The old witch chuckled with delight, as she fastened all the doors, securing the place against the daylight.

They slept in a deep, cool vault, once used to store spices traded via caravan to desert shieks far to the south. A rich, heady fragrance seeped out from the thick, rough plastered walls. He carefully put her down atop a nest of soft, silken feather beds, and undressed her in preparation for pleasures yet to come. The smell of the Frenchman rose up from her skin, but he ignored it, nibbling away at its essence, as he kissed her most hidden, sensative  places.

And the old witch danced and cackled naughtily, as she watched it all unfold upon the reflective surface of an old, broken blue tile, taken from the tomb of a lesser known prophet. Did they know of her intrusion?...Did they care? 

He rocked her gently with a slow, sure strength gained from years (mortal ones, that is) on horseback. And she held him tight, bestowing wondrous gifts of her own. His 'eighteen year old body' against her 'twenty nine year old body.' His thousand year old soul melding with her much younger one.

But the witch was a crafty old thing and she 'whispered' news of this coupling to the Chevalier Jean-Michel, as he lay cold and alone in his own crypt. Lurid images crept into his dreams. And a hunger for revenge began to build. 

The ersatz 'jinns' flitting about the Divine enclosure laughed sharp, metallic laughs, as they kissed the lips of the demented witch, carrying away her purloined secrets and then breathing them into other ears.....