Wednesday, August 8, 2012

DINNER AFTER MIDNIGHT....the Vampire Tomas/Jonathon comes to dine.

Under certain conditions, when the barometric pressure, temperature and humidity are just right, vampires produce a momentary, fiery trail, as they plummet toward the ground. some say it's rather like a meteor.

The body of the life-eater in question is not harmed in any way, for the actual physicality of the supernatural being lies beyond the nuts and bolts of our quantum universe. It is the air surrounding the vampire that burns. Some avoid sublimating when the atmosphere is like that to prevent being seen. But it was late. Tomas was hungry. There'd been a vision. He had no choice. Fortunately, in this predominately working class district, few souls were about. Most snored under covers, gathering strength for tomorrows labors. A patrol car rolled by from time to time, but the cops rarely looked up. They studied the cars parked in tiny driveways (parking pads, really) fronting each narrow row house, searching for slashed tires. A 'rubber-ripper' was abroad in the land and he was their first priority.

Tomas materialized just as he hit the ground...In this case, a small patch of grass, bordered by a six foot tall, wooden 'privacy' fence. Such were the backyards in this highly conformist neighborhood.

There was a man there snoring away on a flimsy, folding, chaise lounge, deep in the midst of a clammy, beer-sleep. He was 'the husband.' He was the wife beater. He was the quarry. Tomas bent over him. He studied the man's features..... how coarse..... how basic. Then he shot out his tongue and ever so slightly licked the tip of the man's nose. The sleeper stirred. He did it again. The sleeper moaned, attempting to turn over, but the chair was too narrow. Tomas took hold of the aluminum arms and shook it. More snoring. He shook it again. The man opened his eyes. Tomas grinned.... a practiced, stylized grin meant to scare and beguile. His fangs, rather small, well-formed and discreet, reflected the starlight like mirrors. The wife beater gasped, instinctively raising an arm in defense. But before he could emit even the slightest noise, Tomas cracked off the hand and jammed it down his throat. There was some thrashing about...a few moans... but thank God for the din of cheap, window air conditioners. Then, before the man could choke on his own blood... and perhaps an errant shard of wrist bone, Tomas tore into his belly, just below the diaphragm, buried his head in the gore and manically ate his way up to the racing heart. That's where the blood was richest..... thick, warm and soupy...... A delicacy among night-folk. And he drank til the man was almost dead. Then he ripped off his pants for one final mutilation before the deed was done. True, the blood down there had an ammonia taste, but he was bound to do it. The man must suffer. And from the looks of things, he did...... torn asunder from crotch to sternum. His swollen fingers waved forth from his mouth. Though an apple would have been more appropriate.

A moment later, Tomas stood back and watched, as the ruined body spontaneously ignited with a cold, blue flame. First a lick here...a lick there... a dancing tendril, then whoosh..... In three minutes it was over and even the bones were gone. Some night birds flew down to feast upon the scraps.

The vampire softly stroked their delicate, feathered forms. Then he sublimated through the steel back door ($199.00 at Home Depot) and went upstairs to 'comfort' the wife...

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Ask Alexios: Gold Medal Grief

Ask Alexios: Gold Medal Grief The vampiric universe's very own 'Dr. Phil' wanders through the contorted paths of Olympic glory, envy, jealousy and...revenge...

Sunday, August 5, 2012

CHANNELING ZORRO or EL CID or EL KABONG ....... The Vampirino Known as Tomas (and also Jonathon) Steps Out

Annie liked to watch him get dressed. He didn't let her see any of the private nasty stuff...although she wanted too. I don't think he's ever even showered with Sarah. Well, maybe once or twice, but that's it.  Does that kind a crap with them mole-people girls, not with his consort. You see, vampire infidelity don't count if you do it with mortals. 'Cause like in eighty or a hundred years or so they ain't gonna be nothing but chunky worm jelly. So who gonna know the difference?


Tonight he fixin' hisself to go 'cull' some bastid. That 'el mundo vampirino' talk for killin' some low life what gotta be killed. Tomas  got a ritual he do. First he shower off real good. Plain Ivory soap, just plain Ivory soap. Maybe 'cause it 99 44/100 % pure.... jus' like him. You know he do have his bad side. 


He up to the end a the ritual now. Got on his underwear and everything, jus' not his clothes. Annie like the way he fix his hair. Know what he use? Know what he like?...... Plain old Fruit of the Earth Aloe Vera gel. There, they ought a send me a case for that. 'Cept I do not know how they could transport such a shipment to my part a the universe. Oh, he do not use a lot, jus' a little bit. You know he so subtle and all. Rub it in his hands and rough it all up in his long, loose, curly, raven locks. Then he run his fingers through it til he got it lookin' like he want. 


Puts on a black tee shirt. I think it got some 'lastic in it, 'cause it fit real good. Next come the black jeans. He get them from Nordstroms. That where they come from. Underwear come from Target. Vampires got lots a money, but they ain't dumb. Impulsive sometimes, but not dumb. You mus' a heard 'bout them special, black, leather bootkins by now. They a legend 'round the vampire way. Fit real snug, over thick and equally dark woolen socks. He got a shoemaker 'familiar' fix 'em up with these hard to find metal taps. When he scrape his foot jus' right they throw off a fine spray a itty-bitty yellow sparks. That his favorite part.


Annie say she want shoes like that. But he tell her every vampire gotta find his own 'dentification mark. And she already got that bitin'-off-toe thing down pat. She say that don't count 'cause it ain't sexy. He say a eighteen month old vampirina what only spent 'bout seven year as a human bean ain't got no right  to talk that way. You know he was raised in an Orthodox, Spanish, Sephardic family.


Doctor Franklin say he gonna have somebody drive him up to where his dinner live. But Tomas don't want no ride. Say he gonna sublimate up into the dark, night sky and go WHOOSH, right through all them bitty particles a air and pulverized city shit til he get to where the bastid is. He like flyin' 'round like that. Some vampirinos ain't so good at sublimatin', but he is. 


So he go take his leave a Sarah, Papa (who mostly jus' sit there like he a wax candle or somethin') and Conrad. Baylah fixin' a go out too. But vampires real private 'bout feedin' and all. She do her thing and he do his. He do lock the door to his quarters so Annie don't mess with stuff. She already got a silver bracelet he like. You know the type..... big, heavy, shiny links. It come from a kiosk at some mall, but he like it jus' the same. Let her have it. Edith gonna get him a better one.


Then he walks out the room. Nobody says much. They all watchin' a showin' a WISE GUYS on TV. Ray Liota got the same bracelet. Guys from the bureau buzz him through. Four minute later he walkin' down a narrow 'service' street in the middle of some industrial installations they got there. Navy Yard got a lot a those. One make Barbie dolls (or at least they look jus' like Barbie dolls). Next door some guy make cartridges for fancy, little machine guns. If I still had my meat and bones, man would I like me one a them. 


Ain't many guards around. Lots a cameras though. Laser trip lines too. That how they do it. Finally, when it feel right to him, he look up, raise his hands to the sky and take off. Soon his body start gettin' all 'lectrified, like he made outta whole lot a microscopic Christmas lights. Then he go WHOOSH and disappear. But he not a permanent disembodied spirit like me (I Mister-Never-You-Mind, 'less you did not know). He jus' temorarily that way, til he come down.... right by the front steps to a neat, little row house up there near The Franklin Mills. Hell, they got Franklin comin' out the wa-zoo in this town.


Come back tomorrow and I tell you how he eat him.
He got a special ritual for that too. Oh, I know you seen some stuff..... but you ain't never seen this.


Wait'll you see what the wife do. She gone get herself all 'lectrified too. She gone get herself juiced up real good...... And you know what?.......She gonna like it a whole lot......... 'Cause like I jus' told you --- it ain't really cheatin' with a bone-a-fide human bean.


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Papa Isn't Very Patriotic, But Actually He's An Illegal Alien AND A Vampire, So what the Hell Do You Expect?.... come on...

Doctor Franklin knows all about what happened in South Hampton. The guys from the State Department told him. They almost got a hold of Grigori too. But one a the kids parking the cars broke into the truck and stole the lead suits (like what Peter Coyote wore in ET, only made outta lead). Vampires can't sublimate through lead. It's like their Krypton, just a whole lot cheaper to get.


One guy did try to stop him. He's dead now..... a greasy puddle of fibers and shredded meat oozing into the Further Lane end of the gravel driveway. That's what happens when a vampire sublimates through a mortal. The government asked the victim's family if they wanted him cloned. Insurance would a paid for it. But they opted for the 'condo in Ocean City, Maryland' alternative, only they gotta buy their own furniture and all. 


I  do not know where that Russian vampire is now. Could be on one a those nautical themed, beachie islands off Cape Cod, or maybe one a the top drawer Jersey Shore towns. They got important people worth killin' there too, you know. It's easy findin' 'em in August, because they clump together, like corn starch dusting powder in sweaty folds and creases. It's what you call 'tradition' I think.


Tomas and Baylah had a go kill people. It was their time a the month. He had a 'vision.' Saw a real bad wife beater sittin' on a front step up in the Far Northeast. Looked like he was drinkin' Coors Lite, but Tomas couldn't tell. Heard kids cryin' down the basement, though. He locked 'em down there when he learned their mutter some manners. It was a 'finished' basement (more like a family room), so it wasn't too bad. They played Legos and video games, or hid their heads under throw pillows. One peed hisself all the time ..... Yeah, Tomas gonna go kill him real good............ Doctor Franklin don't want 'em to go out. Not with Usipov runnin' 'round and all. But he knows about vampires and he knows about visions. Religious vampires (like Tomas and even Baylah, in her own way) do have their standards.


You know he had 'em 'chipped'? They got little tracking devices under their skin. Did it when he studied them. If you're a regular, you might remember when Tomas was suspended in the magnetic field from the Great Armonica. It's like a big, invisible (well, almost) three dimensional, resonating 'spider web'. They like it, actually. Tomas says it feels good.... real good..... Very, Very, real good...... And the white coated lab technicians like to watch, 'cause the vampires are naked and all. Tomas puts on quite a show. But everybody knows what an exhibitionist he is. Luna spent hours in there watching him. She was still mortal then. Used to make like she had to record every little thing, but mostly what she did was look. You should see him twist and shout. Moans too, when he feels like.


I don't know who Baylah's gonna kill. She's funny that way. Likes to keep it to herself. I think she misses her rich, mortal boyfriend down the shore. But the Anti-Enchantment-Bureau people don't want her to go. Too dangerous. The Russian guy might get her. And they don't know how strong he is. 


Papa don't help. He COULD help. Hell, he could be like a real Superman if he wanted, provided all the speeding trains and runaway asteroids happened at night. Only he don't even care. Goin' back into one a his 'quiet' spells. That's when he thinks and travels in his mind, like to the mer-folk, or the manta ray people out in space. sometimes he just wanders 'round the rides at Great Adventure, but you know what I mean.....


Doctor Franklin wants him to help. You know how patriotic he is........ 


Guess that's why they put him on the hundred dollar bill.....


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Saturday, August 4, 2012

Some good stuff about poor, pathetic, little ANNIE that appeared almost two years ago and was seen by hardly anybody (mostly disembodied spirits). Perhaps you'd like to read it now?

Billy Kravitz' vampire wonderland: ANNIE TALKS.....Don't be scared. I can talk someti...: ANNIE TALKS .....Don't be scared. I can talk sometimes. He lets me talk sometimes. I am here. And I am me. And I am afraid. I have a soul. ..... NOTE- The Shaky Hand Man was 'Papa' using mind projection while he was imprisoned in the quasi-Vatican dungeons....

The Girl From 'David and Lisa'.... her name was Janet Margolin

The party's over. All the air-kissing schmoozers went home. A few are at a little boite north of the highway and a select group skinny-dips in a grotto-like pool overlooking Georgica Pond. Look, you know the score....after-parties are everything.


But a certain naked hoo-hah treading water next to somebody's sweet, little Annie Fannie of a house guest in that self-same ersatz grotto don't feel so hot. His stomach doin' the Kick-a-Poo War Dance. They got toilets, fancy ones teamed up with warm-air-butt-dryin'- bidets not thirty feet away. Only he won't make it. 'Cause all them agitated, little curds he got ruminating 'round his colon wanna make a mass escape. And security in Camp Sphincter ain't so tight.


Right now Miss Annie Fannie wanna know where he go for good cupcakes in Manhattan. An' he sweatin. He sweatin' real bad. You know, butt checks don't always cooperate. It's hard to squeeze 'em together, 'specially considerin' that the shrimp was a teensie bit rancid too. She think he just nervous and she wanna be real friendly, 'cause he real good sugar daddy material. So the girl who looks like a vintage, nubile, Playboy cartoon character inches over to get to know him a little better. And jus' as she slowly reaches through the dark, shadowy water to take control of the situation, he goes - ahh...ahh...ahh... and shits all over her hand.


Them microbes works fast. That Grigori Usipov truly knows his business. And now 'bout a dozen naked members of the 'one percent' (plus assorted hangers-on) stampede toward the narrow, slippery, field stone steps like penguins fleein' an orca. Only this orca sheddin' more ink than a giant squid. And now he startin' to tremble too. 


Fifty six hours from now he'll be ninety three percent dead and some a his buck-bathin' friends won't be too far behind.


Things gone be different on Wall Street come Labor Day.


The vampire-oligarch, known as Grigori Usipov, has spoken...


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