Thursday, December 10, 2015

A Certain Sort Of Vampire Is Amenableto Doing 'Favors' ... 12/10/15

Sometimes people ask Jonathon things. He sees them on the old mellow cobbled streets. They wave, exchange greetings and smile. Vampires often develop a presence in their immediate neighborhood. Do they know he's a vampire? Well, word gets around, but nobody makes a big thing out of it. Like in the nineteen twenties, when a cleaning woman saw Mrs. Tuttle lay an egg... and not any egg. This one had a beautiful opalescent shell, like an Easter decoration, or something a giantess might wear as an earring. They say the cook fried it up with savory sausage and onions and served it to Mr. Tuttle for breakfast. He pronounced it rich, full bodied and delicious. The cook curtseyed, farted and said - Thank you.... Mrs. Tuttle giggled like a ticklish, little Kewpie doll. Mr. Tuttle died on his way to work, as pink, frothy, spume gushed up from his jelly belly, exploded from his mouth, soaked his brown tweet suit and puddled around his feet, till the platform on the Broad Street subway line grew so slick he fell down and rolled off the polished, cement deck, right onto the electrified third line, treating all sleepy commuters in attendance to a track level light show of white sparks and acrid smoke. 

Neighborhood matrons discretely approached Mrs. Tuttle, petitioning her for the home grown breakfast food so their husbands might enjoy the same experience. Cooks talk you know. In a few months, Mrs. Tuttle had a nice little nest egg, if I may use that term. And when Christmas time rolled round that year, she pulled up stakes and ran off with a Tango  dancer from Detroit.

But we're talking about Jonathon. He gets requests too. A teary-eyed, young thing in a clingy cashmere sweater knocked on the door one evening, as they were watching Wheel Of Fortune. Edith, the Piney Witchy-Woman housekeeper let her in. She looked around apprehensively. After all, how many people have an acknowledged vampire for a neighbor? In a quiet, self-conscious voice the girl said - May I speak to Mister Jonathon?... Few knew his family names.... Edith led her into the den adjacent to the kitchen, where the vampire was watching his show. Jonathon raised his well formed Spanish head, smiled pleasantly (believe me, he knew the effect) and said - Tell me, Nora, (her name) how may I be of service?..... The teary eyed Miss said - It's Carl, my intended..... You want me to kill him? - asked Jonathon..... No - said the girl. Nothing like that. I want you to bite off some of his fingers..... Jonathon looked puzzled... The girl continued - I remember when the little girl, I remember when Annie used to be with you. She told everyone. Most people thought she was a psycho, but some knew the truth. Look, maybe she was both. We knew she was a vampire and we knew she bit off fingers, so I was hoping you did something like that too.....

Toes, dear, toes. Annie bit off toes, not fingers. She was peculiar that way - said Jonathon..... And you don't? - sniffed the girl.... Well, not as a rule - he said. Why do you ask? What has kissy-boy done?.... She sighed and just sat there. Edith got her a cold drink. She sipped a little and went on - He's cheating on me. We're engaged and he's cheating on me. He pretends he's going into a little book shop. But the book shop has a back entrance into the lobby of a small apartment building. The coffee shop on the other side of the lobby does too. ...Do I know who she is? ... Not exactly. I've seen her. The doorman told me who she was. I gave him a hundred dollars...... Then why not give him more and ask him to do the deed? - said Jonathon..... Because he'll get caught - said the young bride to be..... Jonathon thought for a few heartbeats and whispered - Because you'll get caught?..... She nodded - But you won't...

The vampire sipped his chilled vodka (Edith always hovers about serving something), looked her in the eye and said - Give me a little time to think about it....

May I tell you something else? - said the not yet bride.... The preternatural figure nodded..... He already has his medical doctor's degree. My 'intended' I mean. But he's not yet cleared to be an ob/gyn. He's still training. They see patients through a clinic at the hospital..... And? - said the vampire..... In a barely audible voice she said - The girl from the apartment building was one of them.

He sniffed and sighed.

Housekeeper Edith said - Oh, dear....

But then Antiques Roadshow came on. Jonathon said nothing. Edith patted the girls shoulders and whispered - Shhh, let him think....

<more next time>

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