Wednesday, February 3, 2016

A VAMPIRE FASLLS OFF THE WAGON ... : "Sit Down, You're Rocking the Boat" | 2/3/16



Eternity's an awful long time and a little bit of naughtiness can hide among all that forever. At least that's what Conrad thought. He should never have been made a vampire. Little Bastid Annie did it. She wanted a 'baby.' So now we have this forty year old 'baby' that cries over movies, goes through pleated, khaki slacks like it's nobody's business and fights with the baristas at Starbucks if they mess up his gourmet iced tea order. Vampires can tolerate clear, or mostly clear liquids. Jonathon tells him he can't kill the baristas, because Starbucks is a huge powerful thing and they got their own version of 'familiars' too, plus he doesn't want any problems. But Jonathon is in a semi-catatonic state right now, not as deep as 'Papa's.' He does get up from time to time to slowly fix himself up and silently walk around the city. Edith will yell - Conrad wants to go out. You gonna let him?.... But he doesn't answer and Conrad goes out. Sarah tries to stop him, but he goes anyway. They fight. He yells and pouts... a big, mess in khaki pants. And who knows where Annie is? She wanders in and out of here whenever she wants. Sarah says she's got her own 'familiars,' some lawyer woman on Locust Street and a guy who owns a chain of discount sneaker outlets in Jersey. She brings sneakers for Billy and real cushy walking shoes for Edith. Sometimes she brings a pair for Sarah too, but Sarah says - Don't bother. I'll get my own. Most vampirinas and vampirinos are extremely vain. You know that.

So Conrad goes out... and he kills people. Did you ever see the new tv show that just went on, the one where the girl from Ugly Betty works in a place like Walmart and her boss is this whiny guy who used to be on KIDS IN THE HALL, some SNL-like comedy show from Toronto? Well, Conrad's like her boss. People on the street think - Oh, look, here comes a nice, smiling, slightly overweight, nerdy, white guy. Let's be friends and talk to him..... Behind that FORTY YEAR OLD VIRGIN -looking smile, he still has 'vampire eyes' and even if he did have to go for remedial training, he does know how to use them.

So he walks around a big department store, the one with the ten foot tall bronze eagle statue in the atrium where everybody meets their shopping partners for lunch and all. He pretends to browse around the Middle Aged And Old Guys With No Fashion Sense Department. That's where he gets his pleated pants and plaid, button down collar shirts. He's got a whole lot of pleated pants and button down shirts. Edith says she's gonna give them to The Salvation Army. Once she called some different charity. Said she had a whole mess of pleated khaki pants and plaid shirts. Lady said - Oh, don't you have anything a little bit snazzier?.... (long pause) Edith goes - Uh, no. That's all I got... (another long pause) Lady goes - Uh, yeah, well thanks. I'll get back to you.

And now the fan of all those outfits is moving toward a good  natured looking, big boned girl picking out valentine's gifts for her father...... Conrad goes - Excuse me, do you think this shirt would go with a light brown sweater?... The girl comes over to see. He moves toward some merchandise positioned near the door to a little-used stock room. He's sure it's little-used. Conrad knows the territory. He asks the girl about belts. By now they're 'friends,' right? She goes over, laughs and begins to hook up outfits. Two heartbeats later, he grabs her, opens the stock room door, throws her in and bolts it. She screams. It's dark. He punches her. She stops. Then he drags her unconscious body behind cartons of hangers and the whole life-eater dance begins. She comes too a little bit...moans... says- please.. please.. please.... Only thing is, Conrad's in the zone and to him she's just meat on a plate. Pleated pants and plaid shirts don't matter. When vampires feed, they're animals. He drains out every drop and waits for the body to ignite . Then he leans against the wall and watches the 'cold' blue flames. Odd that nothing else burns, but that's how it is. No soot stain on the ceiling, just grease on the floor.

He straightens his clothes and is about to leave. No blood on him. Vampires don't waste anything. But then the door opens. He scrunches up against the floor. Two old cleaning women come in. They can't see Conrad behind all those cartons and sit down on a little bench.....

One says - I hope that son of a bitch, Lepkey, drops dead.
Other says - Me too and that 'baby' boss, John, can go with him.
One says - I can't take it anymore.
Other says - Me either.
One says - Life stinks. It's all just a bunch of crap. You're born. You live. You get old. You die... and that's it.
Other says - Who knows? Them reincarnation bastards say it's not.
One says - Yeah, well, if them reincarnation bastards are right, you know what happens?
Other says - What?
One says - You're born again. You live again. You get old again and you die again.
Other goes - What stinks in here?..... She gets up and goes behind the cartons to look.... The first one hears something.... a thud?.... a groan?
She goes to investigate and sees a disheveled, nerdy looking guy, on the floor, gulping down all the blood pumping out of her friend's jugular. But before she can scream he grabs her too. Breaks her neck and leaves her lying there twitching, wide eyed and slack jawed, like a fish.... He finished her off a few heartbeats later.....

Then he used their cleaning equipment to mop up the floor. After that, he changed into a new plaid, button down shirt from a not yet opened carton and left.

Killed a guy sellin' papers on the street a little later.

Somebody needs an intervention...

<more next time>

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