SOME THINGS TO SHARE

Back in Chestnut Hill, things went on in the usual way. Papa took his sport with Luna plus other willing partners throughout the city. She was beginning to understand things and had collected a bauble or two from her last victim. Soon she'd be self sufficient. And you want to know what Zebulon things? Well, I'll tell you. It's gonna be 'good bye' Chestnut Hill for that girl. She's gonna go rougue. She's gonna go maverick. And Papa won't even care. Doctor Franklin will be happy. Then he'll really be able to study her. Remember, she's got them chips and all. So that's what I know about Luna.....

Annie is another story. She should be like the younger elves, but she's not. And they don't know why. Papa doesn't think about it. But he feels responsible. After all, he made her. And he knew it was wrong when he did it. But he was angry and when Papa's angry...shit happens. So we'll have to watch that one. She needs guidance. Maybe somebody will come along and help her? I don't want her to wind up some variation on a Johnny Jump Up theme. That's no life for a little vampire girl....

Speaking of that one, J.J.U., I mean. I received a visitation from Mary French last night. She's doing fine. Back with her loved ones and all. Told me her real name, but I forgot. Anyway, she and hers are still trying to tame that skinny ghoulish bastard. The operative word is 'trying.' Because he doesn't want to cooperate. But Babylon wasn't raised in a day. So this will take time. When you go out on the streets at night...be prepaired..

Jonathon and Sarah are waiting in Baylah's human boyfriend's beach house (try saying that one fast). It's not far from their Lucy the Elephant jumping off point. Gonna be an ordeal. I wouldn't want to do it. But some of the vampires who have claim it's also very spiritual. Remember, Papa did it. So we'll have to wait and see.

Please come back later tonight at about 10 or 11 o'clock. It should be ready by then. Our best to all for a joyous season of renewal.......from the wonderland

A VAMPIRE CURES THE SICK

Jonathon and Sarah got their stuff together and left the shuttered fitting room of the old Value City Store on Tilton Road. Six more miles and they'd be in Margate, right by Lucy the Elephant. Lucky the sinks in the restroom still worked, so they cleaned themselves up a bit before hitting the road. The pressure was low, but that was all right. Vampires don't attract too much dirt. Sarah was nervous about the sea crossing and all. He told her they didn't have to do it that night. It could wait. Besides, The Passover was starting. And you know how Jonathon feels about that. They hoisted their knapsacks up into place and set off, walking through the 'off shore' town of Northfield, past neat, little strip malls and cozy neighborhoods of well-kept, sea shore cottages. Next came the meadows. Wet lands really, bisected by a narrow causeway leading onto Absecon Island. Atlantic City commandeered the northern half. The picture book hamlets of Ventnor, Margate and Longport held down the rest. Things were quiet when they reached Margate. Some folks in town were celebrating The Passover. And Jonathon had something special planned. I guess you could say he was gonna stage a little miracle. You know, like he and Baylah did a few months back at The Olive Garden Restaurant and that synagogue on North Broad Street. Papa don't like that kind of stuff. He's gone through a 'low profile' stage. Jonathon too. But this night is different from all other nights. So they quietly walked through the chilly, cozy streets till he saw a house with warm, golden lights shining out from the diningroom windows. A family was inside. You could see through the glass. Looked like they were having a Seder.(a passover service in the home)  Some nice old guy, probably the pop-pop, appeared to be leading things. And one chair, pulled up to a carefully arranged place setting , was empty. In case you don't know, that's the seat for Elijah the Tishbite, the prophet charged with announcing the coming of The Messiah. They say, he'll miraculously enter the homes of the faithful on this blessed night. You can tell if people observe this practice, because they'll leave the front door slightly open. Just like the folks in this house. So Jonathon whispered to Sarah - Just stay quiet and follow my lead...... Now some of the people in her mortal family were Protestants and a few were Jews, so she sort of had an idea what he planned to do.  Did she approve? Well, I don't want to get involved with that. But she went along with it and quietly followed, as he went up to the storm door and knocked. Right away, some nice floppy-ear dog bounces up barking and wagging its tail. Some guy pushes his chair back and runs over to see who it is. Jonathon gives him his best 'demi-angelic-host' look and says - Good holiday, my friend. Have you a seat for a weary traveller?...The guy's mouth falls open. He can't find any words. He doesn't know what to say. He can't believe this is actually happening. An old lady chimes in from the diningroom - What? Who is it? What does he want?.....Jonathon and Sarah stepped 'round their speechless greeter and entered the crowded room. Small children gigggled. Adults looked puzzled. The pop-pop put down his wine glass and stood up. He said - Who are you? What can we do for you, my boy?......The old lady cackled - Didn't I just say that??...But her sister-in-law gave her a pinch and shut her up quick.......Jonathon beamed forth with his most beatific smile and said - My name is Eli...May I rest at your table?.......Then he sublimated through a corner of the over-sized, mahogany buffet (in truth, that room did have a little bit too much furniture) and sat down in the empty seat. They all saw it. The sister-in-law almost fainted. Pop-pop plopped down in his chair. The old lady broke out in a fit of crazy, nervous laughter and said - Does this mean you're gonna bring Lou (her late husband) back??...Jonathon just smiled and said - All in good time. All in good time.I think she was actually a little relieved....And then there was silence...No one knew what to say.....An older kid, about ten, pointed at Sarah and said - Who's she?....Don't ask questions! - yelled the sister-in-law...Yeah, don't ask questions! - echoed Pop-pop. She's probably like his, uh...his, uh...secretary!...That seemed to satisfy everybody. And the 'secretary' was lead to a spot at the children's table. Then a little boy with loose, curly, honey colored hair climbed down from his place, went over to Jonathon and tugged on his sleeve. Our benevolent vampire leaned down. And the wide-eyed, little fellow said - Do you wanna help me say The Four Questions?....Everybody laughed good naturedly. Jonathon lifted the cuddly bundle up onto his lap and the Seder continued, as the floppy-ear dog curled up by his feet. Now, I really can't say that Jonathon and Sarah 'ate' much. But they were miraculous beings after all, not pigs at a buffet. What would you expect?....Pop-pop appreciated Jonathon's authentic Hebrew accent and he never noticed when the enchanted traveller tapped a tiny drop of blood into the crystal decanter of wine. But no one at that table would ever get sick for a very, very, very long time.......And thus did our magical twosome spend the First Night of The Passover and their last night in The New World, before continuing on with their special journey........So if you observe The Feast of The Exodus, or The Feast of The Resurrection, please accept Zebulon's wishes for a nice one.

A MONSTER DOES A DANCE

Meanwhile, back in Center City, Baylah saw Johnny Jump Up. It was late, maybe an hour and a half before the dawn. He was sitting on a thick, granite slab blanketing an ancient grave in a small, black-iron-fenced, Old City church yard. The shadows were thick. The street light didn't penetrate much. And he's so painfully skinny, it's hard to see him anyway. But he was there. She stopped, just to make sure. He saluted her and grinned. Dried blood caked the corners of his mouth. Had he just eatten? She did not know. Was it human? She did not want to know. So she gave him a curt, little nod and continued on her way. But about two heartbeats later, something hit her back. It startled her. She spun around, as only a vampirina can and saw that it was a roughly severed human thumb. When she peered back into the church yard, the evil spectre was not there. Baylah whispered a prayer and continued on her way. The cold can't harm a vampire, but that doesn't make it any more inviting. After a couple blocks, she broke into a steady trot and raced the whole way home. The boney, night leaper was still hungry. There is only so much a little, dead, cherub girl can do. And although she gave him a tiny bit of agita, she couldn't completely put him off his feed. So he dripped down into the subway to see what he could find. Few people bothered with that obscure, oozing, neglected spur near Chinatown. But two dumb, young girls did. Oh well, at least they wouldn't be dumb for long......

Things happen fast in the city. The dim, green station lights flickered. And then they saw him leaning in a corner. The first girl whispered - Don't look. There's something wrong with him.....The second girl just nodded. They stared straight out over the empty tracks. Steam hissed from somewhere down the line. A dusty night pigeon fluttered down from the iron rafters. It's eyes burned red like blood. The corpse-like being laughed. The girls slid close together. He sprang up to his feet and began to caper about, in a little dance. His heels clicked smartly against the concrete. The second girl laughed. But she stopped and almost swallowed her tongue when the lights went out. At least she could not see him as he made the monstrous leap and snatched the other quiet one away. Pity darkness doesn't hide the screams.............. Three minutes later, when the roaring train arrived, the unfortunate souls encased within saw just what happens to dumb girls after dark....But the heads were never found..........

A TRAVELLER CONTEMPLATES THE CROSSING

The basement/pantry was comfortable enough. It was clean and orderly. Best of all, there were no windows. The guy who owned the diner didn't even judge them. He wasn't even surprized. His daughter was a 'goth' kid and he had a few magic type tattoos. I suppose he thought it was all the same thing. Maybe he was a little bit sceptical. But when Jonathon sublimated his hand through the glass panel of the big fish tank in the dining room and nothing happened, that clinched it. So the two vampire vagabonds slept between seven fifty pound sacks of russet potatoes and a whole lot of boxes of paper napkins. The glossy painted cement floor was freshly mopped. Jack, the owner gave them a blanket from the office (sometimes he napped on the old couch). And their knapsacks stuffed with clothes from the mall, served as pillows. The two Mexican kids who helped out were told they were just a couple of down on their luck travellers. That, they understood, since it wasn't so different from the way they came into the country. So they slept. And Jonathon had dreams. He saw his family. He saw the villa with the cool, central patio. He heard the bubbling fountain. Sheba and Jezebel (the two parrots) screamed and laughed in the shade. All were busy, prepairing for the coming of The Passover. His mother loved this season. She ran it like a sea captain. All the best foods (appropriate to the celebration) were carefully stored in the Passover Larder (used only at this time of year). Fresh, new clothing for every member of the household filled chests and cabinets throughout the bed chambers. And relatives arrived from throughout the great Caliphate and storied lands beyond. He could smell the cooking, rich and fragrant with safron and celantro. Uncles spoke of various matters by the fountain. Some used Arabic, others conversed in the newer Iberian idiom. Servants played softly upon ouds, guitarras and tambourines. If only the dream would never end. But it did. He awoke. One of the workers came in for a big can of corn and that disturbed him. So he laid there and allowed himself to wander into Sarah's dreams. He saw a small dog and an old doll. Then she drifted back into the gray, warm shadows.

Jonathon thought about the future. He thought about the crossing. The princes of the sea would help them. Papa made such a journey. But he never had. He came over on the good ship The Welcome, with The Lord Protector himself. He came over with William Penn. So this would be an ordeal for him. To Sarah, it might be a nightmare. Yet they had no choice, For an angel of death is still an angel. And somebody spoke his name. So in a day or two they'd reach the Jersey Shore. Baylah suggested a stretch of beach a few miles south of Atlantic City, right in front of Lucy the Elephant, a seven story tall finely maintained, nineteenth century structure built in the shape of a pachyderm. It has a towering howdah and everything. Even has a trendy, carriage trade refreshment bar. You need a good portobello burger? Get it there. Not that Baylah ever did, but her human boyfriend (the one with the nearby beach house) occasionally indulged. In a few nights, they'd stand on that stretch of sand and wade out into the forty eight drgree water. No one would see. Not that late. Then they'd paddle out to the encounter. It might take a while. But the moon will be bright. And what does cold water mean to a vampire? The whales would rise and they'd unite, carrying them across the great, salt sea and through the Pillars of Hercules. Jerusalem...He had never been there.....but soon he would...Then he leaned over and kissed his dear companion...For in a short while her life would change as much as his...

JONATHON AND SARAH START A JOURNEY

A cold, spring rain came down on the Chestnut Hill district. The large, commodious houses and newly green lawns sat silent and wet. Diners hurried along picture book shop-lined walkways, disappearing into small, warm, finely decorated restaurants, as the gray, chill light slowly died. And in their own retreat, a short stroll away, the vampires woke up. Everyone gathered in the living room. A warm, orange fire brightened the hearth. Annie played Barbie Funeral on the rug. The larger specimens settled into the rich upholstery and talked. Papa (no one really called him 'Jimmy' anymore) spoke. He said - Then it's settled. I'll keep this place going. It'll be me, Luna, shithead (gestured toward Annie) over there, the humans and the 'children.'.......They never questioned why Annie wasn't like the other juvenile vampires. No one wondered why she differed so from the elves and cherubs. She just did. And that's the way it was....So Jonathon (also known as Tomas) nodded. Sarah squeezed his hand. He cleared his throat and said - Thank you. It's just that I have to go. I have to do this. I must give thanks for my Redemption......He was referring to The Passover and The Exodus. The faithful believe that every soul  who did, does, or ever would believe was present at that sacred time and each in their turn was brought forth for a purpose. And Jonathon really believed. I mean when you talk to him, you'd think books of the Bible were still being written...Who knows?.....Papa said - Is there anything you need? What can we give you?......Nothing - whispered Jonathon......For the faithful were instructed to rise up and go, taking no food save the bread of faith (matzoh, the absolute minimal form of nourishment imaginable). True, he could not eat that, so he would go out with even less. Sarah was a little afraid. Where would they sleep? That was her main concern. When she voiced it, he just told her not to doubt. So she didn't. Or rather she pretended she didn't. And that was it. They got up, kissed everybody, even Annie, pulled on their coats, inhaled and left. Edith said a prayer as the fine, oak door clicked shut behind them. Papa brushed a discreet tear from his eye. Remember, Jonathon is his vampiric son. Luna just sat there inspecting her nails.

So they walked, always making for the east. For Jonathon was heading to the coast. did he still plan to visit Japan? Maybe, but first they'd go to Jerusalem. They'd walk down into the sea and travel with the whales. Sarah's heart raced just thinking about it. But he held her and she was strong. No one was culled. They kept to themselves, making their way down small streets and forgotten lanes. They slept in abandoned cellars, sometimes with the homeless. And while the poor folk slumbered, Jonathon would bless them with a drop or two of his blood, so that they could survive.When they came to the Delaware River, they crossed on foot, stepping up onto the pedestrian walkway bordering The Benjamin Franklin Bridge. (Doctor Franklin loved that one) And the journey continued, two bedraggled souls off to save the world...or at least a few, tiny parts  of it....

VAMPIRES MAKE LOVE AND PLAN FOR THE FUTURE

The vampires were no help. They still couldn't catch Muggs. The Anti-Enchantment-Bureau didn't know what to do. Thirty something thousand years worth of vampires didn't know what to do. And the killer monkey wasn't even in the area. He jumped on the back of a farm truck loaded with bales of hay. When the sun came up, he just made a little hidey-hole and burrowed in. It was instinctive. Nobody had to tell him. And now he's somewhere in up-state New York, terrorizinng early spring nature lovers in the Adirondacks. But let some up-state New York disembodied spirit report on that. I got other crap to worry about. Annie didn't kill no animals at the zoo. But she did bite the tails off a bunch a angry monkeys. I think that little bitch got a thing for monkeys. Maybe 'cause she acts like one herself. And then she takes one of the bleeding tails, bites her tongue and slurps some a her blood all over the shreaded up end, which she proceeds to stick right in the middle of a screamin' monkey's forehead. Well, you know how their blood is, the vampires, I mean, so it sticks and it takes root. She starts laughing. The dazed monkey don't know what to make of it. The other tail-less monkey's are looking like they just seen God or something. Then they start spitting on their disconnected tails and trying to jam  'em back in place. Only that don't work. So they got these burnin' wounds right over they're asses and they can't do much about it, save pick up monkey turds and wing 'em at Annie's face. She would a liked to reciprocate, only she don't produce no turds. So she just sticks out her tongue (I do think she got a little bit a monkey poo on it, but what's a little noxious contagion mean to her), jumps over the moat and runs away. Now don't expect to read that story in the paper, unless you subscribe to The Supermarket, Fat Slob, Front Step Gazette. And the television ain't gonna say nothing either. Wanna know what happened? In the morning, when the 'authorities' saw the results ( especially that little fore-head-tailed bastard), they euthanized all them critters and shipped 'em off to some lab. Not Doctor Franklin's place. These were official assholes from down in Washington. You know, with the mirrored sunglasses and clenched jaws. That's how you tell.

Later, when Papa and the others got back from Jersey, he almost tore that stringy-haired demon apart. These vampires been gettin' so much attention lately, they might as well sit and wave on Oprah. See, I'm starting to think Baylah's the smart one. She loves 'em. She visits 'em. But she stays away. I mean she gets enough attention just from lookin' like Beyonce. What else does she need? And the elves and cherubs always keep a low profile. You don't have to worry about them. It's them full growed, hoomin bean vampires I'm worried about. They been seen at The Olive Garden. They been seen at synagogues. People watch 'em on the You Tube. Hell, I think Papa showed up on TMZ for a few seconds. His hootchie-girl's sex tape, I mean. Jonathon feels real bad about what's been happening lately. You know how quiet he is. Sarah feels it too. Is this why God made him a vampire? (that's how he looks at it...to him, it's no joke) Is he nothing more than some comic-book character? I can read his mind. That thousand-year-old-Andalisian-Spanish-Jew is extremely depressed. Sarah sits with him. They whisper and talk. Oh, it's quiet here now. Papa scared that Annie thing real good. Sent her back to the corona of the sun for a little while. You know she don't like that. Shit, who would? Make a two thousand foot tidal wave comin' at ya look just like a drop a piss. I think they're gonna leave, Jonathon and Sarah, I mean. He wants a go to Japan and help cure people bewitched by too much magic dust. Radiation particles, I think they call it. Papa tells 'em to do what they want. What's time mean to him? They'll be back...I guess.. Right now they're downstairs in a resting cabinet. We can hear that door bangin' back and forth all over the house and this a BIG house and thats a heavy, tight door. So there some serious vampire lovin' gone on down there. Edith and the Red Paint folks came back. They're sittin' in the kitchen playing canasta or something. Look at them. Like they don't hear a thing. I just hope they don't bust that skinny, old, copper water pipe between the cabinet and the wall. Last thing we need around here is a flood. Papa wants to decompress too. He's in another cabinet. But all he got in there with him is a hand-held video game. And at the rate he goin', I give those buttons about two more minutes........Ooooh!! I just seed into Jonathon's mind, hers too! You know vampires can slap together these alternate 'dream' universes when they want (that's how Papa scares Annie). Wanna know where they are? In Centaur Land. You seen that old opera-cartoon, Fantasia? Well then you know what I mean. Man, for substantially sized creatures, them horse people can really twist theyselves into unusual positions.....Don't bother me no more. Zebulon is busy.............

SPRINGTIME WITH THE WEIRDOS

The monkey got away. They couldn't control him. Doctor Franklin had chips and wires all over him. But it didn't do any good. Some signal played around with their signal and the whole thing went ka-blooey. Later, they traced it to some kid in Winslow Township with a faulty X-Box 360. So they couldn't shock the killer monkey. They couldn't make him feel like he was choking. And he just had a ball. Pulverized that poor guy from the 'criminal' pool. Drained him dry. Ripped him to shreads. Feed the guts to some raccoons. Did a dance. What do you want me to tell you? He did it all. Then he runs so far to the south, he comes to that little road that connects Route 73 to The Black Horse Pike. You know, the one that's covered with trees and all. It's got some houses, maybe a convenience store or two, but mostly trees. He's screamin'. His chimp muzzle is all red and bloody. Pulled his pants off. Wouldn't wear clothes. Couldn't keep nothing on him. Swinging from the trees. That's what he was doing, swinginng from the trees. This family sees him. They were heading down to Ocean City. The kids were sleepinng in the back. Mom starts screaming - The Jersey Devil! The Jersey Devil! Dad has a minor heart attack (that's what the medics said). Plows the Honda into a tree. Air bags go off. Some drunk guy runs out of a farm house with his pit bull and a gun. He starts shooting at it. The killer, vampire monkey, I mean. But it flips him a 'kiss my ass' sign. They taught him that at the Bureau.  Then it just tears off back the way it came and disappears. Internet lights up. TV stations jump on it. The drunk and his dog are local celebrities. No, really. They're gonna be on The Today Show or something. I think the wife is gonna go with him. The husband's still laid up. The kids, I don't know about. Oh, they're OK. I'm talkin' 'bout goin' on the show, I mean. Franklin and the Bureau call Luna. She's that new vampire who used to work for them. They got her all hooked up. But she don't know it. They ask her to get some of her new friends out there. I mean nobody wants an actual vampire, even an ape one, to fall into questionable hands. Jeeze, could you imagine if Al-Quida got hold of one? So the vampires go running over to Jersey. Not the elves. They stayed home with the little ones. Edith went with the vampires. Most of the Red Paint people did too. Because they're all from around there. I think Charles stayed back. And wilkravitz is there. But the rest? They're out playing Smokey and the Bandit. Oh, yeah, and Annie, we don't know where she is. That little thing ran off somewhere. But I got a funny feeling she winds up at the zoo, probably tryin' to kill an animal or something. Hope a polar bear knocks her head right off. One swipe. Just one big swipe. Teach that little bastid a lesson.

And gettin' back to personal matters, lovey-dovey matters, Roland is all quiet. Even for an elf kid. He's all messed up over what happened between him and Luna. Lucky she had to leave for a night or two. The Bureau says they got these 'dark' vans where they can hole up during the day. I'm glad she's gone. He tries to explain it all to Albion and the two elf girls. But they basically have brains like kids, sixteenth century kids, and they don't really understand. Boy, talk about corrupting a minor. Shows you can be over fourhundred years old and still be a baby. We'll have to see how this one-night-romance thing plays out. Maybe Papa can like banish the memory or something.

Oh, getting back to the others, Baylah didn't go. She didn't get the call...BUT, she did call here after the others left. Seems Johnny Jump Up was sauntering down the street right passed her place just before dawn. She saw him. She looked right through the drapes. Six inches away he was. But he made like he didn't even see her and he just kept bouncing along. Only his fingernails looked bloody. That, she could see........

Springtime with the weirdos....But we ain't weird....I'm just saying what regular people would think.......Zebulon the Great...signing off...