MUSINGS AFTER MIDNIGHT...a vampire 'familiar' speaks

This is wilkravitz. I usually just inscribe what the vampires and other beings in our little circle want me to inscribe. but tonight, I'm talking. I'm tapping out my opinion of what's been happening around here. First of all, we learned a lesson. Me, the life-eaters, everybody. Actually, I brought it on. There was this tweet or something (really don't remember) about a new kind of high-tech, visial search engine guaranteed to generate lots of hits. I told Papa about it. He's as big a ham as anybody and he said - Yeah, try it......So I listed each post through the new set-up.

For the  first week or so it was great. Hits increased 1000 percent. We went from 50 to 100 hits per day , up to ten times that amount. Luna (Papa's current lust partner and the most superficial vampire  you'd ever hope to meet) was thrilled. She expected to become the first GENUINE vampirina celebrity since famed, etherial Incan songstress (ever hear her voice?) Ima Sumac.  Even our 'Piney' mind reader, Edith bought into it, predicting an imminent call from Bravo any day. Well, we're still waiting. Only thing is, all those hits disappeared, along with that new search engine. What's strange is NOT ONE of the more than 6,000 hits we 'got' during that short happy time carried over into the post 'new big thing' era. They saw our link. They knew where we were. You'd think SOMEBODY would have hit us via an alternative method.. But I suppose a statistical impossibility happened and nobody did. See? I told you magic really happens.

Now we're right back where we were. Papa says that's humanity for you. Luna went back to torturing harried shopgirls. And Edith? Well, she just repositioned the date of that imminent call from Bravo. Edith wants a reality show real bad.. Our six or seven year old  'juvenile' vampirina, Annie, believed with all the innocence of an immortal child. She expected to be on TV. She expected those front row seats to the next Justin Bieber concert to float down from the full moon any night now. She expected  her 'My First Vampire' Barbie Doll to sprout wings and shoot Skittles out her ass. Annie don't eat 'em. She just likes all the colors. But she expected lots of things. And when you frustrate a powerful, little vampirina, a plethora of weird, dookie events tends to happen. Remember that strange BOOM and ominous rumbling in #PHILLY the other  night? (they 'said' it was a mini-earthquake....yeah, right.)  And the thing with that eightteen foot, great white shark at the New Jersey Aquarium (right across the Delaware from Center City Philadelphia) suddenly 'blessed'  with the ability to fly and talk French? Sounded a lot like Maurice Chevalier, actually..No, wait a minute. You couldn't have heard about that. We kept it out of the media. Papa handed out five thousand dollar checks and bought two hundred and six cell phone/cameras at here-to-fore unheard of  prices to kill that story. Well, actually he didn't do it, one of his 'money' familiars did.

Look. I was going to tell you other things too, but I'm tired. I'll fill you in some more next time. Thank God they were able  to rip open the belly of that shark and pull that little Canadian kid out before he suffocated. Nice boy too. Didn't make a fuss, or anything. Real polite. I think they gave him a two hundred and fifty dollar gift certificate to the souvenir shop. I don't know. Maybe they gave him a little more............

Watch out for sharks.

VAMPIRE LOVE SCENT

The two vampires moved quickly, sleeping in caves or digging dens, like wild canines on the run. Their feral brethren watched from a safe distance. Did they have enough strength and power to confront them? Each case is different. It's one thing to shred a weak, pathetic human, yet quite another to go mano a mano with a trim vampirino in his prime. Lorenzo, the male noxious, seemed to sense this. But the woman, Kadeema ran on pure emotion. Win or lose, she'd do enough damage. A simple soul, that one. Mayhem makes her happy.

They had a close call one day, while holed up deep inside an abandoned, late Roman salt mine in the South Tyrol.  It came during act two of a life-eater lust fest. Some innocent hiker, down from Vienna, hears 'strange noises' coming from a 'mysterious tunnel,' so he kicks aside a few boards haphazardly placed over the opening by the local authorities (Jonathon and Sarah shimmied in through a less apparent apurture) and tip-toed inside. God, only knows what he expected to do if he actually  confronted something in there. But what am I talking about? He DID actually confront something in there. Lucky  for him they were what they were.

The vampire and vampirina were deep into an authentic recreation of 'The Pirate and The Cheer Leader' (never known to actually cross paths in captivity, but you get the idea), when the skinny kid almosts trips over them. Sarah screams. Not a human scream, a vampire scream. Roosting bats instantly release guano and swarm out toward the sunlight. Mister Eldest Von Trapp Son accompanies her in his best falsetto aria. Jonathon instinctively snaps and levitates up to the slick, dirty roof (remember them bats?). The kid drops a Bowie knife almost as big as his adam's apple. But he saw. They knew he saw. He knew Jonathon just didn't jump. He saw him levitate. Almost like a cat, but better. And he grabbed onto the roof and he stayed there.

The Vienna Wonder froze. Sarah grabbed a shirt and covered herself. Then silence. This went on for maybe four or five heartbeats. Then Jonathon spoke. He said - Hey, kid, what the hell are you doing? Are you crazy? You know it's dangerous snooping around in places like this??!.............You're in here - spat out the kid. What are you doing in here?!.........We are experienced, professional spelunkers! - said Sarah. We are trained for situations like this!.............Is that how he manages to stay up there? - said the kid...........Yes! - said Sarah. We are equiped for things like that!......Equiped? But he's naked - said the kid.......So Jonathon took a brerathe and jumped down. Sarah passed him something to cover up with. But the first thing she grabbed was her bra. So he was sort of limited.......No, come on. You're not spelunkers. W-what are you? - whispered the kid........Sarah was almost ready to tell him. But Jonathon beat her to the punch......You seen the ads for the Le Cirque de Magique appearing in Venice this week? - he said......Yeah??? - said the kid. You from that? So, what are you, acrobats?........Jonathon, feigning his best tempermental artiste, said - What do you think? ..........And the kid bought it. He nodded his head and he bought it. Turned out he was heading for Venice (had a Euro train pass). Jonathon told him to ask for them at the box office of La Fenice Opera House. I guess his telepathic powers were really firing up. Gave the kid a name. shook hands (dropped that bra) and sent him out so they could  'get dressed.'.....As he left, Sarah yelled - Hey, kid, what did you expect to find in here?...........He mumbled - I don't know. Thought it was hippies doing mushrooms. There was this smell. It..it drew me. - he mumbled....And then he was gone.

Now vampires have been known  to exude an intoxicating aroma used to attract prey. Nobles, such as Jonathon and Sarah do it to help subdue their preordained victims. The only trouble is, that kid was no victim.......Who else was out there?.....And why couldn't they sense it?.....Nobody should ever have  gotten that close..........

A LITTLE EXTRA INSIDE INFORMATION CONCERNING STRANGE EVENTS IN NORTHEAST PHILADELPHIA

OK, here's something you should know about. There was a 'phantom' explosion, a concusive force about an hour ago in #PHILLY. It happened at the intersection of KNIGHTS & FAIRDALE ROADS in the Northeast section of the city. Extensive investigations conducted by various governmental/civic agencies failed to turn up any cause (gas, combustive devices or substances, underground tremors, etc.). However many people fled from their homes, congregating in the streets. Vibrations were felt for miles around. You can Google coverage provided by local, network affiliates, such as ABC Action News (channel 6).

No one knows the cause. No one has a clue. But a certain, much chastened, contrite, little vampirina is cooling her jets in her sleeping cabinet because of it. I can hear her threatening to kick out the fine, mahogany panels right now. She already murdered about three innocent Barbie dolls (you know, those whorey looking vampire ones?) and chased  our much beloved, Jersey Pines, Pow-Wow Woman 'houseguest' into a no longer used (they're vampires, don't you know) Kenmore freezer down in the sub-basement. Thank God one of the 'elves' (pre-pubescent vampires on the cusp of physical maturity, with pointy ears due to continued cell growth after vampiric conversion) let her out.

In case you're not a regular follower or reader of this site, I'll tell you the vampirina's name. She's Annie, until recently known as Little Bastard Annie, because of her, shall we say, unpredictable behavior. Picture Lily Tomlin's Edith Anne character (google her) only with hot chili peppers stuffed up her butt and  rapidly manifesting, supernatural abilities.

This is all a tantrum. She wants to go to the shore. Her human playmate from nextdoor, a little witch in her own right, is down there. Look, she knows she can't go out in the sun, although plenty of people in this house would love to pop open the garage door on her and watch her 'splode into spontaneous, more-than-human combustion, right there on the dirty, oil-stained slab. It would be 'happy-happy-joy-joy dance' all over the place...with Cuban heels and castanets!!! But our vampires got morals and they don't do shit like that.

So, if you live in or near #PHILLY, be careful. I don't think she'll do it again, but you never know. Papa, our twentyeight thousand year old (in a thirty two or three year old human body) fearless leader (by default, since Jonathon and Sarah are away on Pilgrimage) threatened to send her hurtling into the corona of the sun. For some reason she really hates that.  If she has any sense, these 'stink bombs' as she calls them, will stop. Just keep your eyes open, 'cause her aim ain't so good. Okay?

And please don't think 'vampire lifestyles' are ANYTHING like what they show you in those Abercrombie & Fang fiascos, 'cause they're not. You wanna know the truth? Read VAMPIREWONDERLAND. Look, our regular readers know we didn't post this for them. But with the explosion (stink bomb) and all, we had to do something. The public deserved an explanation. Just remember our link http://bit.ly/gw7fAE  and drop by any time (we got over 268 posts). So feel free. don't be a stranger.

DINNER IN THE WOODS

Jonathon and Sarah took their leave from the monk and went back out into the forest. The noxious beasts were still in the area. Sarah knew her mate meant to do something. She wan't sure just what. But she knew. If they wanted to make progress, they had to go east. Only Jonathon had them going around in a big circle. He wanted to confront the  'nightmare.' He wanted to destroy them. I suppose when you're on a quest, you do things like that.

Sarah had to make a 'cull,' It was her time of the month. She wasn't even sure what the son-of-a-bitch did. All she knew was she had the dream, or the visison, or whatever you want to call it. And now she felt the gnawing pain in her stomach. It got worse every hour, even when she slept. So Jonathon let her lead the way. Did she know what she'd find? No. But her feet knew where to go.

They cut cross country, through fields and bracken and scrub pines. When dawn approached they dug dens like coyotes. Vampires can dig fast when they have to. It's a survival adaptation. Dig a tunnel, make a turn, make another, widen it out and go to sleep. Animals leave them alone. I guess they sense what's inside. Bears don't though. In colder climates, vampires often bunk with grizzlies or polar bears. They snuggle right up to each other. Sometimes the hibernating giants even let the vampires take a little drink. I don't know what good it does them. It's not the same as taking a life. I guess vampires get curious from time to time. And for the bear, what is it? Like a mosquito bite?

About a night and a half later, they began to climb up into the foothills of a small mountain range running down from the Alps. Cute little tourist town. They skirted around it. But something happened. The 'cull' was there. Her heart began to pound. Then she saw him, standing by a long, black, shiny car, passing off an envelope to some dapper gent wearing Hugo Boss, I think it was. Jonathon whispered - Weapons dealer. Worst kind. He tried to grab her. He tried to make her wait. But she couldn't restrain herself any longer. She  broke free and ran over like some socccer mom racing to confront a big blow hard coach. Two more guys jumped out of the car. Three seconds later after four automatic pistols were leveled at her (they all packed), Jonathon races in and sublimates right through the Hugo Boss guy, rendering him into a nebulous bloody pulp, that retained it's shape for a heartbeat, but then went splashing down into the dirt. Everybody freezes. Faces blanche. Jonathon brushes himself off, cocks a sharp, little grin and says - Next? .....Oh, they could see the fangs. They definitely saw the fangs. She flashed 'em her pearly whites too. One of the guys jumps back in the car and speeds off. Now there's two bastards with guns and two vampires. The 'cull' says - No, don't. Please, don't. I have money. I can get it. It's in Zurich. I can pay you......... But in a hyper-second Jonathon's hand flashes out crushing the wrist of the other one, who instantly crumples down onto the ground screaming like a  skinny, pissy-pants, little white girl...........Sarah locks eyes with her dinner. He falls to his knees, whimpering. He goes - Oh, God...Oh, God. .....She twists his neck. I am almost positive I heard one of the vertebrae pop. Then she tears into his throat  and drains him dry. His feet were still kicking when the blue flames began to burn.

That's when Jonathon spied Lorenzo and Kadeema watching from the edge of the clearing. He helps Sarah to her feet and nods to the feral duo, as they slowly back off. After a few heartbeats they turn and start running,  just as the guy with the ruined wrist begins to wail and shreik.

A SAD LITTLE VAMPIRINA IN LUXURIOUS CHESTNUT HILL

Jonathon and Sarah were confused. Those noxious bastards were tearing up people left and right, yet the world thought it was OK. The monk thought so. It was obvious his 'higher-ups' did too. So did the civil authorities. Better to live with a lie, than to eradicate an evil. Still, Jonathon is quite capable of independent action. Kadeema and Lorenzo just might start drooling out the opposite side of their mouths after all. Now, let me turn you over to Zebulon for a while. Most of the stuff being channeled tonight comes from Philadelphia and he handles that part of the forest. So let him fill you in. There's a spring soiree over in Venice I want to see anyway. Reminds me of my mortal days. Ciao, you fleshy bastards. This disembodied spirit is outta here.......

Am I coming through? Testing, testing. It's me, Zebulon. Can you read me? That wilkravitz, 'familiar' guy is typing this all up, but he looks a little bloated ang gassy to me. And you know how capricious the heavenly ether can be, 'specially if he starts mixing some of his gas into the ether. What? You want to know where I've been? Well, it would make more sense to ask where I haven't been. Just let me tell you one thing. They got life everywhere and some of it is quite colorful and very accomplished, if you know what I mean. Remember those manta-ray people over on Europa (that moon of Jupiter's)? Well, you can roll them and us (I WAS a human once) up in a big meatball , roast it right next to the sun, drown it in gravy and we still don't come close to some of the folks they got living out there. I pity those two alien bastards they got locked up in New Mexico. I really feel sorry for them.  If God wants to perform a miracle, He'll free them folks. They pray enough. But I came to tell you 'bout bastards we got closer to home....

Little 'Bastard' Annie's been crying lately. I don't mean whining, like she always does. I mean crying. Real-sad-wet-little girl-tears. Look, she's only been a vampirina  for a few months. And what? Before that she was Papa's puppet (back when he was locked up) for a few months more? What do we know about her? You do realize that even vampires get confused? They forget what's real, what they picked up by telepathy, what somebody told them. You think their brain ain't still a human brain? Bullshit. Ain't no different kind of gray jelly locked up in there. They 'know' what they want to know and 'forget' the rest.  Did she come from a 'good' family? Was her mother a low-life? Who cares? It don't matter. They'll say what they want.

Evelyn, from nextdoor, is taken her kid down the shore for Memorial Day Weekend. They got a place up on Lonng Beach Island. Annie talks to the pudgy thing once in a while. She hears about the beach. She hears about the rides and all the souveniir shops. So it's only natural that she wants to go too. Of course she can't go out in the sun. Not unless we want to be on the cover of Star Magazine or something. You know how people eat up 'spontaneous human combustion' stories? But she can go out at night. She can see the beach then. You know how it looks in moonlight. I think it looks even better. She can ride on a rollie-coaster, win a stuffed animal, kill a murderous derelict under the boardwalk. Kids love that kind of stuff. And she STILL has the brain of a six or seven year old child. Can you remember what that feels like?

Papa feels bad about it. He would take her. One of the 'familiars' could set it up. They could be in a nice, deluxe hotel suite in no time. You know. They've done it before, one of those glitzed-up casino joints with black-out shades for high-rollers.  She could even go out and catch a glimpse of the twilight sky, all orange and violet. The seashore looks real good then. Maybe Baylah will take her? Her human boyfriend won't mind.

Boy, kids sure complicate things. Especially vampire kids. The 'elves and cherubs' are all right though. But they're a different story. So I don't think we're gonna be automatically calling her Little 'Bastard' Annie from now on. That 'Bastard' part don't sound right.........Boy, Papa feels bad about all this.....Listen, she's got the hiccups. Banish her. Keep her. Lock her up. We been through all that.....But she's just 'Annie' now. And somehow this is different...........Life with the vampires..........Didn't I tell you?

vampire wonderland: A MONK, A VAMPIRE, AND HIS MATE

vampire wonderland: A MONK, A VAMPIRE, AND HIS MATE: "Jonathon was already awake. It was natural to him. He felt the waning of the light. He knew it was time. Sarah still slumbered. She nestled ..."

A MONK, A VAMPIRE, AND HIS MATE

Jonathon was already awake. It was natural to him. He felt the waning of the light. He knew it was time. Sarah still slumbered. She nestled close. He protected her. Brother Elias entered the supply house. Jonathon heard his footsteps, as he trod the old, uneven boards. Then the monk knelt and rapped on the trapdoor. It's safe now. It's dark. I will let  you out, - he said.  Sarah heard him. She stretched and yawned. So many things about vampires are still quite human.

They sat at the worn table in the monk's quarters occupying the adjacent small structure. A tiny flame danced in the neat, little fireplace. Their host said his grace, before politely beginning his evening meal. The two vampires watched silently, as he ate  the simple stew. Jonathon smoked a pipe prepared by the monk. The tobacco was smooth and fine. Sarah said - I did not know that vampires could smoke. That surprizes me.......Her mate said - Why not? We don't consume it. The smoke, I mean.......Then he said something in Vahmpeerigo and the monk laughed......So, you understand our dialect? - asked the Spanish life-eater......Brother Elias said - A bit. I have met others of your kind.........How? When? Where? - said Jonathon.........Back before I came up here. Not 'here.' This is just a hermitage. The main monastery, I mean - said the monk. Before then, I lived in Rome...........Rome?? - noted Jonathon. And what were your duties, if I may ask?.........Brother Elias sighed. He knew the capabilities of these creatures. Lying woulld be impossible. So he told the truth.....I worked with a, a vampire, - he said. Excuse me. I know some of you don't like that word, but......... No, please. Don't worry. It's all right with us, - said Jonathon. You were telling of your duties. Please go on.......So the monk told them . He told them everything. And Jonathon knew that their host was one of Papa's captors. Sarah picked up on it too....But they said nothing and the monk lapsed into silence.

How is it the noxious ones leave you alone? - asked Sarah......Brother Elias shrugged and said he did not know. Perhaps it was the prayers, or maybe their primitive superstitions. You know these are the types told about in old Wallachian folktales. Dracula's cousins and all that. Who could tell what they believed? The nobles don't even know how their minds work. They discussed the killings. Brother Elias said the local authorities  did all they could to keep tourists out of certain remote areas, but there were always risk takers It happened before...and would probably happen again.........Then he looked square into Jonathon's eyes and said - Please, don't try anything. Don't attract attention. I know this is the twenntyfirst century, but please. I mean look at those poor alien creatures your present nation holds captive in New Mexico. You think only the noxious ones are stupid? It's not as simple as that. Most humans are just as bad. I don't know if I even believe half the things my creed teaches. Maybe in  a century or two, God willing, the world'll be ready for the truth. But most of them would rather have the middle ages now.............After a few heartbeats Jonathon said - I was there the night your people captured that vampire........Really? I didn't think you were that old. - said the monk. And if I might ask, how were you two connected?.................He was my 'father.' Not my human progenitor, but my 'life-eater' one..........

The monk nodded, but said nothing. Sarah took his empty bowl and washed it under the old fashioned pump. Then she stopped and looked up, recognizing the sound of 'cherubs' scampering across the roof.......