Billy Kravitz' vampire wonderland: KILLER MONKEY AND BATTLE OF THE VAMPIRE VIXENS

I KNOW YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS ONE WHEN IT FIRST 'AIRED' AND IT'S A GOOD ONE TOO. JUST LOOK AT THE NAME. TAKES PLACE WHEN THEY WERE ALL HOLED UP IN THE BASEMENTS OF THE PENN MUSEUM... 'Billy Kravitz' vampire wonderland: KILLER MONKEY AND BATTLE OF THE VAMPIRE VIXENS: So this is how it played out that night. Annie made a big scene over the monkey. I know. I know. I know. He's a chimp. He's a chimp. But I c...

MADAM SHANG PUTS PAPA DOWN ~~~ the novelty wears off

She looked at him. Madam Shang studied the handsome, twenty eight thousand year old vampirino. He seemed frozen, caught in mid gesture, like a gnat in amber. Demi-Goddesses can do that. Time means nothing. Distance is nonexistent. And she sighed, for she knew there were other beings to have fun with. 

Papa also wearied of the experience. What did reality mean to a creature like her, an accidental tourist passing through the lives and worlds of others? Did she ever care? Perhaps when she was human and even as a vampire, but obviously not now. And in Shang's case 'now' went back a very long time.

She was in 'spider phase' now, inhabiting the physicality of a huge, intricately articulated arachnid. Oddly beautiful in a way. This one was devoid of fur, flaunting a multicolored, jewel-like carapace. And Papa was Papa, caught in a web that spanned the stars. Sometimes she rubbed his belly. Two toed spider feet (or are the front ones 'hands'?) can be gentle...when they want to be. 

Tiny beings, some human, some not, screamed, as she lowered her monstrous cephalo-thorax (roughly analogous to a head) the better to inject them with clear, hot poison running down from her needle-like fangs.

Papa didn't like her crude burlesque of 'el mundo vampirismo,' but that life was so far behind her she barely remembered it. Goddesses will have their fun. 

She considered eating him. Oh, the experience would be real. For are we not all just complicated electrical sparks? Yet a mind above hers said - No....... Perhaps it was The Jade Emperor Himself, or some other heavenly functionary. So she demurred. Although he was carefully wrapped in a silk cocoon and tucked in a safe, dry place.

And there she left him.... lost among the stars, or the illusion of stars, as she re-constituted her 'human' form and swam off to toy with children. 

Unfortunately, Papa's delicate condition was far from unique. Over the eons others were like-wise disposed, hung in abeyance 'tween the spirit and the flesh. But this one had talents of his own and he roused them so he could escape....

Yet he brought the 'shroud' back with him. The silk of a demi-goddess holds power. And the vampires would one day find use for it...

So a strange gaseous cloud blew sun-ward from the stars, as Papa advanced back home.

The ghosts of The Pine Barrens felt it. And they danced and swirled through the branches 'neath the kiss of a full, ivory moon...

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NEW VAMPIRE 'LEO' GOES RUNNING WILD IN THE PINES

Nobody home. All cleared out, 'cause contractors workin' on switchin' 'round Conrad's room. Went to the Jersey Pine Barrens... thickest, densest woodland habitat on the east coast. And it all right in the middle a Philadelphia, Atlantic city and New York. Who'd a thunk it? 

Got alligator snappin' turtles what chomp down baby ducks like cocktail weenies. Don't ask me what they does to more genuine sausages. Gotta be mighty brave go skinny dippin' in them waters. But folks does it anyways, 'cause them little forest swimmin' holes look so nice...all cool and shady.... not too many dead raccoon. Bobcats take care a that. Like thirty two pound Tasmanian Devil what got feline-ized and lost in New Jersey. 

Lot a crap get lost in the Pines. Human crap too. It the Whack Capital a the east coast. Mister Never-You-Mind knowed all 'bout it back when he live in New Orleans. Mister Never-You-Mind is me... jus' in case you new to all this.

Edith and Mister Edith, her huzzbannd, got a cabin. It rustic, but not too rustic. Toilets flush (they got two) and everything. Like what Martha Stewart and Ralph Lauren would have, if say the communiss' took over. Porch is nice...all screened in. Edith like to sit out there late at night when she home. Ghosts is out bummin' 'round then and some a them float by to see how she doin'.

Vampires gotta rough it here. Sleep down in the root cellar. It basically a regular cellar, these days. But back in the day they used to throw roots down there. Think 'roots' meant taters... carrots too, maybe.

Mister Edith mostly sit out in the shed. He make stuff.... liquor mostly. Learned it from his grand-daddy. Grand-Daddy know 'Nucky' Johnson first hand. Johnson the real name. Had a change it for that GTO television program, 'cause the real Nucky still got wrinkled up children and even though they senile, doan like people bad-mouthin' they daddy. Nucky don't care. He still go 'ghosty-ghost' 'round The Ritz. That a big condominium wiff a fancy pool on The Boardwalk these days. Ninth floor the most ghosty part. That where Nucky lived. Some old farts say he still sit in on a hand a pinochle now and then. Card room where they used to deal out the whores. So I guess he still partial to the place. 'Lantic City got lots a stories. Screw Reno. 'Lantic City biggest little city in the world. Everybody got a 'Lantic City story. Gimme a few night. I get some for you.

Larry... I mean 'Leo' like the Pines. He go runnin' through the trees, scarin' the Jersey Devils and all. Horsey Skeezix near shit hisself. He a young Jersey Devil...jus' a boy. Then Leo come back and ask what he gotta do 'bout West Nile Virus. Should he smear on any crap or something. Edith laugh so hard she spit chewed up tater chips right in his face..... Say - Ain't no West Nile bastids queer for you. You dead, or somethin' like dead. You un-bite-able. Doan worry. Your ass is safe 'round here...... He say - It is? You sure?...... She say 'yeah' few more times. That make Leo happy. He start dancin' 'round and swingin' from them trees. Pull off all his clothes and go runnin' off whoopin' in a the dark. Think he prick hisself on a few thorns or somethin', but I doan know. 

Rest a the night-folk off parlayin' wit' them Red Paint goomers. They that old tribe. Not Injuns...older'n Injuns. You know. Men-folk all look like Captain Jean-Luc Piccard a the starship Enterprise and lady-folk look like champion skier, Peekaboo Street. Can't 'splain why that so, but it is. Red Paints ain't magic actually, but close to it. Read a mind jus' like the back of a Wheaties box. Mighty fine animal talkers too. Don't go - Oo-oo, ah-ah, ee-ee, but they make theyselves understood just the same. 

Leo settin' on a log talkin' a two dead flapper gals. They playin' wit' him. He laughin'. Sometime he stop laughin'. 'Cause you know, some kind a ticklin' ain't ticklish.

Gotta stop now. Feel like doin' some Pine ghostin' myself. Sound like them crickets be callin' my name....

Aw-ray-vwa, as folks say back home...Until next time, America......and Canada and Mexico plus all them other places where folks wear funny hats...

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Billy Kravitz' vampire wonderland: EMPIRE OF THE JADE ORB --- choice two for the new ...

BEHOLD A NEW REALITY... A FUTURE YET TO COME.....Billy Kravitz' vampire wonderland: EMPIRE OF THE JADE ORB --- Sample the essence of this new exotic tale ~~~  ...: Please do not expect this one to be conversant in the preferred, classical manner. I stem from a remote corner by the Dragon's Spine Mountai...

THE NAME OF MISTER ROSE

The meal went off without a hitch. They followed the gentleman down the street, careful lest they appear to be common muggers. Tomas is a virtuoso. He plays the tune so well. It happened near one of the large, equestrian statues by City Hall, the huge, Second Empire, wedding cake occupying a central position between the two rivers,(Delaware and Schuylkill, in case you don't know). The central courtyard, accessed via four massive arches, was closed. Locked in by grates as stout as any castle's. And the illuminated, buttery face of the clock in the tower read three. Tomas always preferred dining late, so it's only natural his students adopt a similar pattern. On the third strike of the great chimes he stopped, the gentleman, I mean. The vampires stopped too, melting into the shadows with a natural, instinctive grace. 

Tomas whispered - He killed her here. Slit her throat with piano wire. Fast worker, he is. A master. An artist of the garrote. And she was but the last. Been meaning to 'cull' him for months. Had the dreams and everything. But you know how it is. Work piles up. So I give him to you. There should be no guilt. Some vampires feel guilt during 'first flesh.' But he's such a loathsome beast, I know you won't be burdened by that.

What should I do? - mumbled Larry..... Just like we said. Glide up behind him. Right hand to the forehead. Left crossed the chest. Pull back with the right... a little to the side too. Expose the neck and enjoy. At least I hope you enjoy it. Sometimes 'first flesh' goes by like a blur. 

Larry gulped and nodded, fidgeted with his pants  (They really were 'tight in the pee-pee) and did it. The man flinched, just for an instant, but vampires are quite strong, even new ones and approximately seventy or eighty heartbeats later he was done. The refreshed, young novice just stood there, drawing the nourishment deep into his tissues, as the empty murderer lay at his feet. Two rats ran over, but Tomas shewed them away. Then he whispered - Take the wallet. Take the jewelry. Quick! Quick! Do it! Do it!..... Larry fumbled a bit, but managed to perform the task. Soon after, various points on the body ignited into 'cold' blue flames. Small fingers of fire licked their way across the carcass til it was consumed, leaving only a thick, viscous, greasy residue. The rats were welcome to that. Larry laughed, til Tomas shushed him. Then they stepped out from behind the statue, or rather the sizable, stone platform supporting it, and continued down the street. 

Larry said - What should we do.... about my name and all?....... Tomas said - I thought you wanted to keep your own......... No - said Larry. Not now. Not 'after.' I didn't realize. I didn't understand....... And now you do?- asked his teacher........ Larry nodded - I do. I do. Larry Rose just doesn't seem right. Besides, my family wouldn't like it...... Have any ideas? - said Tomas...... Leo. I like Leo. It's strong and kind of Italian. I'm Italian, you know. So 'Leo.' It's gonna be 'Leo.' Yeah, 'Leo.' - said Larry........ Then 'Leo' it is - whispered Tomas. 

They stopped into an all night bodega to buy hoagies, silently waiting while the kid wrapped them up. Then they gave them out to two or three homeless souls they met along the way.

A little while later, Tomas and Leo went home. Sarah waited to hear all about it. Edith served hot cider (the hard variety) and then they went to sleep. 

Tomorrow night they'd head for the Pines...

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Billy Kravitz' vampire wonderland: ELFIN BEGINNINGS AND A VAMPIRE'S PRAYERS

HERE'S A GOOD SAMPLE FROM A YEAR AGO, WHEN THEY GOT CAUGHT IN THAT PARALLEL UNIVERSE WITH THAT PARALLEL JERUSALEM AND ALL... Billy Kravitz' vampire wonderland: ELFIN BEGINNINGS AND A VAMPIRE'S PRAYERS: They hovered over her ancestral home, a rough, little stucco and brick villa adjacent to the ancient cathedral. She was able to fly on her o...

IT TAKES A LITTLE WORK TO SET UP A NEW VAMPIRE

They all sat around the big granite island in the kitchen. All five of them, Tomas, Sarah, Conrad, Annie and Baylah. The new one, Larry stayed in the living room. Not the family room. That would be too close. This was a little, formal space at the front of the house. Didn't even have a TV, just some 'good' coffee table books and a small, silver music box that played 'Come On, Baby. Let's Do The Twist.

He knew they were talking about him. Vampires can hear everything. But they pretended and he pretended. Right now, he feigned interest in a big, colorful tome about Mexico before the Spaniards. Edith brought him a hot toddy.He liked that. 

Back in the kitchen, Baylah said - Sarah, what made you do this? You think we need him?.... Tomas just studied his reflection in the sunburst mirror over the buffet. You know how vain that vampirino is. He mumbled a few words in Spanish, but I couldn't tell you what they were. Annie giggled. She always giggles. Edith said - Stop kickin' the side a the cabinet. (the island rested on these cabinets.) You're gonna get it all scuffed up...... But that only made her kick harder, til Sarah said - Please, no, don't....... Annie sort a liked Sarah, a little bit, so she stopped, laid her head down on her folded arms and listened.

Sarah said - I know him. We talked. He was sick. He was gonna die. He's like twenty four years old, for God's sake. He's younger that I was. And then I went to that Selichot service with him (nodded toward Tomas) the other night. I felt I HAD to d o it. Okay? I had to. 

It's all right - whispered Conrad. He can share with me. I have two closets. There's plenty of room...... Tomas just smiled. Edith said - Yeah, no shit? Where else we gonna keep him? Tell him, Tomas. Tell him. Tell him....

Tomas cleared his throat and said - The contractors will be here in a day or so. We'll bunk in the Pines. Edith wants to visit her people anyway, so that's what we're going to do. The big closet will be his cabinet. He'll sleep in there. Is that all right with you, Conrad?

Yeah. Sure. Of course it is  - the second newest, addicted to pleated Dockers vampire said. But they all knew he was thinking about his comics. Bought a whole, ready-made collection from a guy on Pine Street. Had every Jug- Head and Archie from nineteen fifty eight to nineteen seventy four and in mint condition too. Go know what a guy's gonna do when he comes into real vampire money.

Annie said - It's gonna be just like Step Brothers. I know it. 'Cept Step Brothers can't hiss like cats and move shit with their brains.

No it will not. - said Sarah. It won't. It won't. I'm sure of it........ She raised her voice a bit, directing her words to the stranger in the living room..... Larry, dear, did you have any siblings? Ever share your room, or anything like that?

No. I was an only child. Shared with my pop-pop for a while - he said....... For how long? - asked Sarah....... Til he died. Til he suffocated. I mean til he just stopped breathing. You know how old farts get......

Annie picked her head up and smirked. Yeah, they just go 'guhk'- she said. Hey, Larry, you 'guhk' him?

Stop it. Stop it - said Baylah. Just keep  your mouth shut....... Tomas sighed deeply. He knew better. Edith said - Conrad, I'll make some room in the closet by the wet bar. In the den, I mean. Is that all right?......... Conrad lowered his head and went - Uh huh.

Okay, on to the next thing. And what about his name? - said Baylah. Look, Conrad is bad enough, but we're not gonna have a 'Larry.' We are vampires, for God's sake, not a bunch of Amway salesmen. No 'Larry.' I'm telling you. No 'Larry.'

He  likes 'Gary,' or 'Barry.' - Edith said. I know. He told me...... But the others didn't seem too impressed....... Sarah said - I'll handle this.... She got up and went into the classically Philadelphia, cherry wood retreat..... Listen, sweetie, what do you want us to call you? You know, like for a nick-name, like for a vampire name?......... He swallowed, eyed her innocently and said - 'Larry.' What's wrong with 'Larry'?

The way things transpired that night, they didn't push it. Soon he'd have to feed. Tomas would take him. And you know what a big deal that's gonna be?

So for the time being, Philadelphia's first family of night-folk had 'Larry.' Edith bought him a whole new drawer full of underwear. He likes Hanes. Tomas got him some outfits, sharp stuff, like he wears. Larry wanted Wranglers, but the fastidious Andalician pretended not to hear. Though even he almost lost it when the elderly salesman asked Larry if the new pants were a 'little too tight in the pee-pee.'

Remember a few weeks ago, when we told you vampire life really ain't so different from what you got?

Well, wake up and smell the coffee. 'Cause I'm sure you feel like ripping somebody's throat out every once in a while too...

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