SLIDE 'EM DOWN THE CHUTE.. like being buried alive!

They found Matilda's killer. Bear trap got him. Just some guy lookin' for meat. Don't know how he got the money for them arrows when he ain't got none for tuna fish. Steel tipped shafts cost plenty. But he was yankin' 'em out and re-usin' 'em, so maybe that help? 

Actually, was a Jersey Devil what find him. Leg almost all torn off. Green-head flies big as jumbo lima beans tearin' off squiggles a flesh. He scream like a crazy man 'fore he even see that Jersey Devil thing. But when he do he start cryin' - NO! NO! NO!..... J.D. say - Shut up, you rotten bastid. How come you kill that little girl?! Why you do it!? Why you do it!?

Rotten bastid say - Doan touch me, you demon, you!HELP! HELP! HELP!..... But all that do is let two green-heads fly down his throat. So he coughin' and chokin' and spittin'..... J.D. hefts him up and totes him through the woods. Thick part. Got thorns and plants and bugs and everythin'. Got ticks what look like watermelon seeds.... BIG watermelon seeds. Jersey Devil had a smash his face some jus' so'd he get some rest. You know, jus' cause fella gone be brutally tortured don't mean he gotta suffer unnecessarily. Folks 'round here IS human, you know.... Mostly, anyway. 

Drop him down right outside a that Red Paint house. Daddy-man come out, take one look and say - This the one what done it?..... Jersey Devil nod. Moe-Larry-Curly wanna bite him up real bad, wanna bite up his private property, or whatever you call it. Mister Never-You-Mind been disembodied spirit long time and I do tend to forget the terminology. 

'Bout then other folks gather 'round. Mama-woman start cryin'. She go - Give me back my little girl! Give me back my little girl!... Rotten bastid say - She witch! She demon. I seed her do it! I seed her do it! I seed her fly.... Daddy-man say - You mean like dis?.... An' he rise up in a air and come down real hard right in a middle a Rotten bastid's chest. You know that flat bone what human beans got there?.... It cracked. I heared it. They all heared it. 

Edith come runnin' over from her place. Vampires right behind her. It jus' 'bout purple sky time, so they can be outside and all without burnin' up none. Men folks wanna truss him up and sink him in the pond. Got the breathin' tube all ready. Got the 'duck' tape all ready. Seen 'em put six, big snappers down there. Four like a store-bought hassock, or an ottoman. Malfs like what a gargoyle got. Big... real big. Prob'ly tear off chunks like two pound canned ham. An' it dark down there, so he not gonna see it comin'.

That when Mama-woman speak up. She quiet. She still...like a queen, or maybe like a soldier's wife. She say - I do not want it a be so quick. I do not want it a be easy. 

And them what live in The Pines know 'xactly what she mean. Some a the lady-folk go over, stand by her and start whisperin'. Most a them is God fearin' in they own peculiar way. Rotten bastid know he in a real bad kind a trouble. Badder'n jus' dyin' trouble. This somethin' worse. He start cryin'. He start bashin' his head 'gainst a tree. Blood all drippin'. He start cursin'. Say - I got family! I got friends! They kill you! They kill you! They kill you!... Red Paint man, not the Talk-To-God Man, but like one a his back-up singers, take a vinegar bottle fill a acid and pour it all over his head. Rotten bastid's head, I mean. It not truly powerful acid. Think they use it a cure hides. But still, wit' the blood and all, it gotta sting some. Rotten bastid  thrash all around like a fit-taken man. Two women go over and kick him a little. And you know what they aim for. Stopped all that thrashin'. That's for sure. Curl him up jus' like a baby. Jus' like a baby what waitin' a be born. 

That when they throw blanket over him, wrap him up and drag him to the chute. Folks get all excited. Start whoopin' and clappin'. Chute killin' put on a real good show. 

Don't nobody know how it got there. Some say it part of a old mine, like a air shaft or somethin'. But it might a been there since The Book a Genesis. Who knows. 'Bout two and a half feet across... round... smooth. Open up near where Talk-To-God Man live. Slide down at maybe sixty degree angle. I know them terms 'cause my great uncle pickled dead folks and that a technical callin'. He knowed everythin'. Then, maybe two hundred foot down it stop. But them what get tossed fall little bit more. Fifteen feet, from what I hear, down into sof' wet mud. Can't climb out. Jus' gotta lay there. No food. Jus' mud bugs. Human bean live long time on mud bugs. Doan know how big a chamber it is. Disembodied spirits what got throwed down there never tell me. 

Gone be free show in The Pines ev'ry night now. Ev'ry day too. Rotten bastid gonna scream...gonna beg... gonna curse... gonna cry. Talk-To-God Man say last fella what got throwed live ten months. Some say he live longer, only ain't got strength to yell no more.

They gone be takin' bets.

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TEENAGE MUTANT KILLER TURTLES

This is wilkravitz. none of the disembodied spirits are around. Think they're at a dead folks party in Atlantic City. Nucky Johnson gives 'em. His name ain't Thompson. That's only fiction for TV. I told  you how the ninth floor of the Ritz Condominiums is crazy with ghosts, because that's where the real life Steve Busemi (forgive spelling) held court. None of the people who live there now mind much. It only adds to the luster of the place. And every once in a while they find mysterious, vaguely 1920-ish, shadows permanently tattooed on the walls. Nothing gets 'em out. Gotta paper right over 'em.

Mister Never-You-Mind is there. Them's his kinda people. But I do not know where Zebulon and Johannan actually are. I don't care. My neck hurts, but I'll give you a few minutes. I'll fill you in. 

Trapper guys went out to look for big ones.... Alligator snapping turtles, I mean. Some streams got 'em. Some streams don't. These guys are mostly just plain humans, but they know where to find 'em. I've seen carapaces (shells) over three feet long. Piney people say they can bring down a deer, even a black bear, long as it ain't over four hundred pounds.

Red Paint folks stock ponds with 'em.... killin' ponds. Them things got heads like you would not believe. Picture a big, old Pit Bull, reptile eagle. Got them little dragon spines gone up the neck too. Don't know if they continue inside the shell, but they do reappear on the big, fat tail.

Mister Edith say them beaks can tear out a chunk big as three cans of tuna fish, if you like stack 'em up one can on top a the other. Annie say she want a see that. She go - Please!? Please!? Please!?.... Tomas doan answer, but they probably gone stay for a little bit more. Conrad anxious to go home and see what the contractors done to his room, but hr not like to travel by hisself.

Matilda's ghost come back. Say she want a Dr. Pepper. Mama-Woman say - You can't drink that no more, little girl. You mostly dead now.... So they get her soda sale advertisements from the Shop-Rite over in Egg Harbor City, 'cause that mus' be almost as good..... Matilda don't say nothin', so they guess it all right. 

Few Red Paint fellas been settin' bear traps in the woods. Figure archer bastid might step in one. Then all they gotta do is wait for mornin' and see where vultures is circlin'. Pines got a whole lot a vultures...big ones.... Turkey vultures, I think they is. Look like teen age condors, if you ask me..... Best ass meat eaters supposed a be teen aged too. Them turtles, I mean. Nobody know why they growed so big. Folks say it shitty stuff from back in the day when they used to have iron foundries 'round here. But them was itty-bitty foundries. And that was over hundred years ago. Must a been real strong shitty stuff if it still doin' that today.... People say they gonna get government to clean up all that shitty stuff. And government say they gonna. But they never do..... I try to be healthy, so you know how much I hate shitty stuff.

Edith say she think they catched somebody. Don't see it. It jus' in her brain. And from the way that Moe-Larry-Curly dog be howlin', she jus' may be right. 

Now, I gotta stop, 'cause my neck hurtin' too bad.

So y'all gonna have to 'scuss this 'mongst yourselves.

Good night..... I think like a spider must a bit me.

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Billy Kravitz' vampire wonderland: EDITH 'FORESEES' A VAMPIRIC VISITOR

I THINK ZEBULON'S BEEN SUBLIMATING THROUGH THE ETHERS OF MISTER NEVER-YOU-MIND a little too much... Disembodied spirits do that sometimes... Good post from two and a half months ago... Go see..  then just GOOGLE~~ VAMPIRE WONDERLAND by Billy Kravitz,  for many portals into this world... Billy Kravitz' vampire wonderland: EDITH 'FORESEES' A VAMPIRIC VISITOR: Annie was playin' with her BARBIE'S DREAM HOUSE. Looked like a crib for little, plastic whores, the way she had it all done up. She still w...

ANOTHER VAMPIRIC SOUL FROM ANOTHER PLACE

The Pines are in an uproar. Red Paint People, usually stoic, thirst for revenge. Matilda was special, groomed for spiritual duties and destined to become a Talk-To-God Woman. She stems from a line known to those on Lemuria and other long gone places too. Her Daddy-Man has a relic, the false teeth of the last Lemurian 'Strong Man' (ruler), given to his forebear straight off the glistening gums of the dying royal. Sometimes she played 'Cheshire Cat' with them, but only when her 'big folk' wern't around.

Now the vampires don't want to get involved in all this. Pine folks are more than capable on their own. The contractor's finished. The townhouse is ready. Conrad and Leo can go 'share-sies' now. Edith wants Mister Edith to shuffle off with 'em, but he can't make up his mind, so she ask Sarah for two or three blood vials, 'case he get hurt. You know  how generous Sarah is with them, little, glass, blood vials. Tomas left a few too, but he antsy. Wanna go back and pick up some new fall stuff from a l'il man-boutique runnin' 'round over on Walnut Street. Think they got some leather jackets he been lookin' at.

Edith say - They pushin' in on us. Plain-Folk (non-Pineys) wanna kill this place. Wanna put up all-you-can-eat joints and paint-your-toe-nail-parlors....... That make her sad. That make anybody sad, what got sense. Can't go 'round killin' magic, else alls you gonna have is bricks and paint.

But that big, jolly, round, ole governor they got bouncin'up an' down in Trenton, like Pineys. Maybe he like the trees more'n the people, but they doan care. Jus' so the 'plain' world stay away. Sky gotta be safe for Jersey Devil, you know. 'Sides, we already got the Snatch & Grab. How many store we need?

Red Paints fixin' up a killin' pond. They got two of 'em. One for the lady-folk and one for the gents. No reason. That jus' how they does it. Look like regular swimmin' hole... jus' like a plain, ole skinny dip place. Only killin' ponds is different. Folks cry long time 'fore goin' 'guhk' in one a them. Got somthin' special paddlin' 'round...somethin' mean...and dark... and hungry. Who knows, maybe more'n one. Tie a body up. That is after daintily peelin' off all the clothes. Never know what you might wanna save. Throw 'em in and wait for the party to start jumpin'. Know what they does? They  shove rubber hose in a malf a the victim an' duct tape it in place. Like a long, snaky snorkel what don't come out. Hose real long...maybe twenty feet...maybe thirty...maybe forty. Tied-up bastid lay down there in the mud... in the dark... jus' waitin'. You know, them what does it ain't hungry all the time...mostly, but not always.

Annie want a stay and see, but Sarah and Tomas doan wanna let her. Say she all twisted up inside as it is. So she ask if it OK for her to kill one a the actors in some big, ole, derelict, haunted prison thing they got goin' in Philadelphia. You know, like for Halloween and all. Tomas say he think about it, dependin' on how bad an actor them 'zombies' is. But you know he ain't gonna let her. 

Leo wanna get back to the city too. Sure it mean he gotta put some pants on. But he willin' a sacrifice comfort for vittles. That boy doan hold wit' no 'one nasty victim a month' deal. That boy like a vampire smorgasbord if you ask me. Baylah say he gone be trouble. Maybe Doctor Franklin gotta lock him up or somethin'?

Tomas do like The Pines, though. Say it feel right this time a year, 'cause it The Festival of Tabernacles an all. That the Biblical Thanksgivin', when old time Hebrews camp out in, uh, pergolas, I guess you call 'em. Only wit' lots a sweet smellin' pine boughs on the roof. Doan know where they find pine boughs in the desert. Think God give it to 'em. Maybe I ask somebody next time I get up heaven way....

An' that 'archer' still out there, 'cause next night Miss Mitzi Gaynor, she the next door neighbor dog, come home wit' a shaft in her rump. But that they were able to fix. She limp a little, but at least she live.

Vampires gonna give it 'nother night or so. Tomas get a breath in his piney air....Annie maybe see a big, ole killin' show. That way everybody happy.

Autumn in The Pines is jus' scrumptious...

Oh, and 'bout that other vampiric soul from 'nother place.... Well, he jus' ain't showed up yet... Vampire doan follow no time-table, you know...

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POOR LITTLE DEAD RED PAINT GIRL'S NAME IS MATILDA

That night they 'threw the bones.' It not really so hard a do. Y'all might think it sick'ning, but y'all think that 'bout lot a thing. Got a cave back in the woods. Maybe it an old mine. I do not really know. But it look like a cave. Red Paint folks use it for like a chapel. Talk-To-God Man live in it. He got a bed. It just two old mattresses, but that all right. Got two little bit banged up 'IGLOO' coolers for water. Everybody need water. 

Mommy - Woman and Daddy-Man tote her in. The little girl, I mean. Lay her down on a rough, stone slab. Got flowers on it and everything. Other folks shuffle in after. Mortals, vampires, couple Jersey Devils... they all here. Few other disembodied spirits drift in too. Talk-To-God Man light candles. He got a lot a candles. Most of 'em old red ones from a closed up steak house on the Black Horse Pike. He like red candles. Couldn't get no table cloths a go wit' 'em. Somebody's son-in-law got them.

Mommy-Woman start singin'. It more like a hum, actually. Red Paint folks rock a little bit from side to side. Everybody else jus' stand quiet and respectful. Jersey Devils put on pants. More like purple, nylon thongs, to be truthful. Still, you gotta give 'em something for makin' the gesture. Daddy-Man say somethin'. It in a real old way a talkin', so I cannot tell you what it is... not word for word. He jus' say bye-bye and that he love her and 'spects a see her in this world and the next.... Both a them cry a little. Mommy-woman hiccup some. Sniff back a bitsy snot. Talk-To-God Man look at 'em. He nod. They nod. He pick her up and put her in a little quartz trough..... like what horses would drink from in The Glass Menagerie, if the Flintstones made it. Then he pour a lot a water on her. Say some more old talk. Light charcoal 'round it, put on a big, rough, copper lid (more like a bashed up rectangle that just happen a fit) and plop back down. Guess he forgot, 'cause three heartbeat later he motion for everybody a set down and they do. Some a the human beans grunt a little (two fart), but they all manage to get down. After that we just wait. 

It get hot in there. Folks starts sweatin'. Smoke snake up through cracks in a roof, but that don't cool it off none. Pin Head Mel get cranky. His mama rock him some. Jersey Devils start sweatin'. Get real lathery, jus' like a horse. After a while they pulls off them thongs. Got to, else they want a die.

Don't smell no dead girl cookin. Guess he threw somethin' in the water. But she boilin' up real good. Meat gotta be off them bones by now, 'specially seein' how it jus' soft, little girl meat. 

Talk-To-God Man ass walk over and look in to see. Then he say - It done.... I took a peek. Look like boiled chicken what cook too long...... Then he say - Rise up! Rise up and fly! Taste the sweetness of the sky!......... Ain't no sky in there. But that what he say. Guess part a the service in English. 

He throw off the lid. Ladle in some water. Steam start risin' real good. Mommy-Woman say she see her. Say she see her little girl, Matilda, in the cloud. Folks start noddin' and buzzin'. Soon everybody see her. Pin Head Mel clap his hands. He happy. But his mama shush him up. 

Only thing is, she really in that cloud, 'cause I seed her too. Daddy-Man say - who done it? Who kill you?......... Matilda say - I sorry, Daddy. I not mean a go so far........ He tell her not to worry...... Girl say she jus' wanna get good at 'slow jumpin''. That their word for levitatin'. She say bad man, plain human man, come outta trees. He a archer man, huntin' muskrats and varmints. Mus' a lost his job, but still got a taste for meat. You know how it is? Seed her sashayin' 'round, wit' her bottom up off the ground. Got scared. Started prayin'. Guess his God mus' a told him a shoot her up, 'cause that what he do. Six heartbeat later she dead, but he keep on shootin'. After he yank out them arrows an' use 'em again, mostly for shootin' crows, but least he got somethin'. 

Edith say huntin' man what ain't Piney don't stay 'round here. Daddy-Man say - How you know he ain't Piney? Not all folk got the hoo-doo like we do........ Pin Head Mel laugh some more. He like poetry.

Annie say - Y'all want me to find him? I kill him up real good....... But Sarah tell her not a butt in. 

Somethin' gone happen. I can guarantee. Daddy-Man want it to happen..... They all do.

Me? What? You wanna know what Mister Never-You-Mind do?... Well, I tell you. I jus' shimmy-sham up through that mine roof and find her. Matilda, I mean. She not know where to go. She not know what a do. So I help her. Take her to a place legally part a heaven, but wit' some kind a telephone line to what y'all got 'round here..... That way she say 'hi' to her mama every now and then..... I figure it best that way.....

Bet y'all talk to folks in that part a heaven all the time..... only you all call it 'dreams'......

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A POSSE IN THE PINES AFTER AN OLD (scaled down) RITUAL

The Red Paint woman carefully laid her little girl on the bed. Others of her kind gathered 'round. The breed is entirely human, but tribal ties run deep, especially after twenty thousand years. What's felt by one is felt by all. Not the world over, but within a certain radius. The four females surrounded the neat, little, quilt-covered pallet. They reached out, held hands and quietly said a prayer. That's when the Saint Vitus' Dance set in. They began to tremble and tremble and tremble. Moe-Larry-Curly, the dog (they just called him 'Moe'), whimpered and crawled from the room. Twelve heartbeats later the dead, little girl began to move. Her body rose up, as if borne on invisible hands. Red paints excell at levitation. Once moved a house from New Gretna to May's Landing. Had to do it at night, but they got the job done. 

Daddy-man come in with some big, old scissors. Don't know what they used to cut with them in the old days. He used them to remove the muddy t-shirt. Snip, snip, snip and it was gone. Just fell back down on the bed. Then he silently inspected the holes. They were dry now, but you could tell. You could see where they came in. Some from the front and some from the back. A regular Saint Andrew, or Anthony, or whoever it was. You've seen the pictures. The one with all the arrows in him. Only these arrows got pulled out. 

Daddy-man smell the wounds. Once or twice he taste 'em. Then he kiss his little girl on her forehead.... mumble somethin' to hisself and nod. Red Paint ladies start cryin', as she float back down to the bed. 

Now in the old days when they were fixin' to do big things, there'd be a 'Throwin' A the Bones.' Think they had one back when we first started channeling this over two years ago. Shouldn't a done it then, but they did. Guess y'all can google it (Throwin' of the Bones) if you want to know. Used to have a hollowed out crystal bull. Big too. Think I once saw maybe eight or ten people stuffed inside. A relic it was. Don't know how old. Guess they made it here, back in prehistoric New Jersey days. God knows what they call the place then. Must a dug it out from a big hunk a quartz. A diamond as big as The Ritz. Got a lid, like a stopper. Fits in real tight right where a saddle would be. Folks inside knowed what was comin'. They drugged up... a little bit. Still, it gotta hurt some. The Talk-To-God Man make like a fire under the belly. First he put water inside, so they steam and boil the right way. Meat gotta fall off the bones, else it ain't no good.

But this gonna be a baby version, like them Readers' Digest condensed books everybody got collectin' dust. And these days, Talk-To-God Man say bakin' up a dead person almost good as  a livin'. So they gonna do it to the dead, baby girl. She gonna tell 'em. She gone tell 'em who done it.

After that come revenge. You doan wanna miss that part. 

Vampires feel somethin'. Get like a itch, or a tingle. You know, like what you get when that dandruff shampoo really workin'. But it too light yet, so they can't come out. Edith rockin' back and forth on her porch. She know. She feel. Not Red Paint, but she know. 

Pin Head Mel come over. He wanna know what happen. But she don't say nothin'. Just keep rockin'. So he go back in a Pines and walk away. 

Moe-Larry-Curly climb up though. He sad. He real sad. He 'dog' sad. Edith pet him on a head. Then she go get him a carrot. Moe-Larry-Curly like a good carrot. Not that he ain't sad no more. But now he busy too. And that gotta count for somethin'.

Sun goin' down. Dark-time comin'. And this time... it gone be real dark...

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LITTLE SURE SHOTS IN THE JERSEY PINE BARRENS

And the dawn came up like blueberry-lemon water ice. The vampires curled up in Edith's root cellar. They don't have no little flat screen TV's in there, like they do in the city, so Mister Edith ran over to the 'Snatch & Grab' (their general store) and bought them some cheap, tiny, music catching devices called 'battery powered radios.' Then he filled them up with these tiny rollers. Look like Babylonian cylinder seals. You know, what they used to print their names. Now, nobody prints their name. They all have pin numbers. 

Mister Never-You-Mind drifted off to hear some 'strummin' and pickin'..... That's how they play this lyre thing they call a banjo. He likes banjos. But don't worry, because you have me now. You have Zebulon, the thirteen year old Judean boy who got stoned to death for playin' 'herbal healer' with a pagan sorceress. Worse thing is we never got to the good part. Never did see what a little gherkin can do.

I have been undulating through this ongoing tale since 5771. That's a bit over two years ago to the calendar-challenged among you. Jonathon, also known as Tomas, is a favorite of mine. He does not know it, but a distant progenitor of his kept company with The Blue Jinn, known throughout The Dual Monarchy of Israel-Judea since the heady days of Solomon The Great. He taught me how to turn beetles into grapes and snakes into diadems ( the jinn, that is). Last I heard he slipped into a parallel universe. Hope they have honeyed dates there. He loves honeyed dates. Sweet meats and Circassian dancing girls...... two of his favorite things...... But enough of this digression. Please allow me to steer our dhow back to its original course. Permit this lowly, dog-of-Canaan (though I, myself, identify with the royal Salukis)to return to the Barrens, in the province of Later-Day-Jersey.... I mean NEW Jersey... and regale you, once more, with the local goings-on....

While the life-eaters were sleeping, other things transpired. A Red Paint mother went searching for her little daughter. The girl never showed up for lunch...and braised muskrat can be so enticing. She attempted to contact the missing child both verbally and via mind-talk. Red Paints are especially adept at mind-talk, often breaking into the assorted day-dreams of people as far away as King of Prussia (real s.e. Pennsylvania town) and Bivalve, New Jersey. Yet her talents proved fruitless. Nothing worked. She sat herself down on a dead, spongy log and cried. 

But half passed a Sidonian hour-glass she saw something. Off to the right, under a stand of rather thick, Boston ferns of the feral variety. She saw a head... a little, gray, pale head, sticking up out of the damp earth like a mushroom. It had long, dark brown hair and the tiny tattoo of a crescent moon 'tween the eyebrows....... It belonged to her little girl.... not just the tattoo, but the head. So the Red Paint mother sobbed, as she fell down on her knees to retrieve it.

Now damp earth is hard to dig, even with a spade. And this one had only hands. But after approximately eight hundred and fifty two tears she cleared away the dirt covering the torso. That's when she saw the holes, at least a dozen of them, entering the poor, skinny body from all angles. Such wounds are caused by arrows. The woman knew that. And when she was done, she picked up the body and slowly walked back home. 

Red Paints are usually moderate in all respects. They speak quietly, dance quietly and sing quietly..... But they also kill quietly. 

Edith saw the sad, sad woman three hundred and fifty heartbeats later and she ran down from her porch to help her.....

It was time for a 'throwin' of the bones'.....

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