Billy Kravitz' vampire wonderland: THANK GOD FOR VAMPIRE CHILDREN

Billy Kravitz' vampire wonderland: THANK GOD FOR VAMPIRE CHILDREN: I'm still a little nervous about it. Well, maybe more than a little. Not in a million years did I ever think they'd come after me. I...This is a classic episode from three years ago. Focuses on the 'cherubs' too... Baby/toddler vampires usually created by exceptionally evil vampires. But they seem loving and good natured just the same. There's another strain, 'Imps'... six to nine month fetuses, who rip their way through the bellies of newly minted vampire mothers and scurry into the night... Very amoral, when compared to 'cherubs' since their brains are far less developed. But this episode doesn't have anything much to say about them. Cherubs, like elferinos and elferinas possess the power of true flight...



Please click on the 'thank God for vampire children' line up above and read the whole thing.



Some early episodes posted during our first two years are essentially unseen by human eyes. 



You might be (if you're human) the first.



Explore.



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Phil Collins - A Groovy Kind Of Love (Live in New York 1990).. And EDITH MAKES TOMAS A VAMPIRE FOR ONE NIGHT... 9/12/14

She knew he wanted it. She knew he wanted it real bad. The sun was starting to come up. Sky was still gray. Air kind of damp. Morning's always damp in The Pines. Got that rich, loamy  soil thing going on. Good place for planting bodies. ... They sat on the porch. Edith rocking back and forth. Tomas sweating. She grinds coffee beans in an old fashioned grinder. Still got supplies in The Pines. Trade stuff with rich folks holed up down the shore. Rich folks get them from boats that come down from Canada. Yeah, things are falling apart, but they still got nodes of near normalcy scattered around.



Tomas goes - You can do it. I know you can do it. Throw a hoo-doo. Skrall me real good. I don't care. I don't care if it hurts. Do the magic. Say what you know. Kill a chicken. Kill a rabbit. Please. Please. Please. Look, I can't talk. My throat's so sore. Please...



And then he just looks at her...



Edith, former 'housekeeper' to a pack of night-folk in Center City, Philadelphia and Pine Barrens 'witchy woman' of the first rank, puts down the grinder, looks right at him and sighs. She goes - Sun's up. You can't be no life-eater (politically correct term) when the sun's up.



TOMAS - I'll wait. I'll wait. So, I'll wait. Do it later. I'll sleep. I'll rest. I'll work in the mushroom caves (more like hand excavated mines). I'll play Monopoly Junior with Mister Edith. Who the hell cares!? (shudders) I wanna kill tonight. I wanna kill somebody real bad.



EDITH - Who you gonna kill 'round here? You got 'the visions?'



TOMAS sniffs and shrugs.



EDITH - (shakes her head) Want me to try an' find 'Papa?'



TOMAS bites at a fingernail and shrugs some more.



EDITH - Tomas... you alright?



TOMAS - Yes, I'm alright. I'm fine.... I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.



EDITH - Then why you sweatin' so much?... You know you stink a little bit.



TOMAS - You think I don't know that? God, I hate this 'human' crap.... (starts shaking his knee... remaining coffee beans vibrate in the bowl).



EDITH - You used to idolize it... no, romanticize it. Talked about it all the time. Hugged a sofa cushion to your chest when you did it. Rocked back and forth. Cried a little... What happened?



He gives her a look, like how can she not know that. Then he slumps and closes his eyes.... She studies him. That second body they gave him looks just like him... the first one, I mean. Got the same, long, lose curly hair... fine features. He knows it too... the neck... the jaw... Don't know if that second body started out Spanish/Sephardic, like he is, but... it is now.



Then she see a tear drippin' down his face... that 'eighteen' year old face (second body more like twenty eight, but to Edith they both look young).



EDITH - (whispers) I'll do it... I'll throw a hoo-doo.



TOMAS - (still comatose) And I'll be a vampire?



EDITH - Look, I gotta tell you one thing. Magic ain't the same as real. We can go woo-woo-woo with' all them atoms and all, but it don't last forever. Not like real, 'cause it ain't real. Things snap back. They go. They drift.... That's why Cinderella got a curfew, honey.



TOMAS - (opens his eyes and sits up) I don't care. One night. Just one night. Give me one night. Better that way. We can find 'Papa' later and I can be the life-eater' I'm supposed to be. But just later. Just tonight. OK? (knee starts shakin' again... beans start jumpin') I gotta kill somebody. I just gotta do it.



EDITH - (quietly) Who you gonna kill? (then she gets it) You gone make vampire love to somebody, ain't you?



TOMAS - (shrugs and bites his nail) What d'you care?



She starts grindin' them beans again and shakes her head.... He exhales with relief.



Crows caw, as the sun's rays break through, gilding the scene in the small forest clearing with crisp, orange light. 



And as the camera rises and pulls away, revealing daybreak in The Pines, Phil Collins begins to sing...



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THE STILL HUMAN, TOMAS. GOES A LITTLE BERSERK .. 9/11/14

You have to hide in the woods... blend into the trees, crouch down in the shadows. I can't be as quiet as I was when I was a vampire. Maybe soon I will be again, but not now.... I'm going to do it. I am. I'm going to kill somebody. you know when you just do it without any reason, or motive... when you just cut somebody, or stick somebody and keep on walking... when you don't even look at them, or smell them, or smile, or nothing it's like your invisible. 

A lightning bolt. You have to be like a lightning bolt. But no light. Definitely no light... just the stabbing pain. You know there are kids in the city... and I'm talking about before it all fell apart... about the time when I lived with my tight circle of vampires (and a few non vampires too) in a spruce, polished red brick townhouse down an almost hidden cobbled byway. How, oh so, very lucky we were. Well those kids were 'knife throwers.' That's what they called them. Boosted packages of old fashioned, double edged razor blades from Rite-Aid, or People's Drug Store. 'Snappers'... They called them 'snappers' too. You know how kids flick playing cards?...That game where they throw them down? I don't know the rules. I don't know who wins, or who loses. But they had this movement... this wrist action... Whip it through the air, just like a weapon. Well, they learned. They made it a weapon. Switched to razor blades... Much more lethal... One night I followed a kid... Saw him 'snap.' Blinded a boy... Two snaps. Just two snaps... Pffft! Pffft! Lights out. That was it. Blood all over. You know, the eyes are basically jelly-filled bladders... burst like balloons. He'd never see again and the world can be very constricting when you're poor and blind... Sit in the house, maybe by an open window. Listen to a lot of talk radio. Shovel in some food.

You want to know what I did? I followed that kid, the 'snapper' I mean. Could have killed him. Could have 'taken' him right then and there... Bit him... Broke the skin.. Drawn off the blood and that would be it. But that would be too easy and I wanted him to suffer. He went into a convenience store to get some blunts. I waited. Lots of places to hide in the city, especially for a vampire. Bet you were close to one sometime and never knew.Went over to a gas station (used to stay open later back then) and bought a quart of motor oil. Kid comes out with his blunts, I sneak up behind, douse him real good and light him up.... A human torch... And he never even knew what caused it. Hope he thought it was God.

Maybe it was. Maybe I was just an instrument...

But that other boy was still blind.

<more next time... I have to stop now... my eyes just wanna sleep... sorry. Tomas can kill somebody tomorrow>

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THE ONCE AND FUTURE VAMPIRE, TOMAS, SPEAKS TO US DIRECTLY... 9/9/14

In Old Cathay they made mah jong tiles out of the bones of prisoners. I never saw that happen, for I was not there much. But I saw the sets, mostly in the collections of Muscovite aristocrats, or wealthy, merchant, Persian families. Beautiful, lacquered chests, they were... like small bureaus. Most are black, but not all. I knew the 'ivory' was human. Vampires can taste such things. I could even tell the sex and age of the victim.

According to what I heard, limbs were removed prior to death. Rather like a surgical procedure it was. Arms severed at the shoulder. Legs at the hip. After a period of recovery, the donor was made to watch, as all vestiges of flesh, by that point mostly dry and rigid, were meticulously sliced away. Then, expert lapidaries, often in service to the imperial household, carefully ground femurs and ulnas into small, rectangular veneers.... maybe thicker than veneers. so that they might be polished and decorated before being affixed to ebony beds. Such beautiful things they were.

Some maintain the Chinese never did that. They say the bones were gathered by local suppliers who then hired, or coerced artisans from among their own peoples to create such things. Mah jong, basically a variation of consecutive rummy, was all the rage in the late medieval and renaissance world. Queen Elizabeth the First had a set, so did the poet, Dante. I met an armless man once. Claimed his appendages were now cunning little bijou owned by the heirs to the Aztec throne, who were, at that time, Dukes at the court of Charles the Fifth. 

People did those things... mortal people. Of course vampires committed crimes of their own. I know I did, but no worse than what the 'others' were doing. You might say ours were crimes of passion, whereas theirs were exquisite perversions performed by bored, powerful humans.... Ahhh! Help me! The bored, powerful humans are after me!.... Can you imagine such a thing?...  They say Jack The Ripper was a bored, powerful human. I know a few things about that too. Sure I was in Philadelphia when it happened, but via occasional forays back to London (my friends at the Hermetic Order of The Golden Dawn) I learned things.  Ruling class Britons move in terribly small circles, you know.

But now I sit in The Pines, a refugee from a crumbling civilization ... not just here, in Philadelphia... a splotchy growth the world over.... Art works have been defaced... buildings destroyed... whole populations ground to dust. Mah jong tiles would have been a better fate. 

I want to be what I was. I want to sublimate. I want to swim through the night. I want the blood. 

They say what keeps a vampire alive isn't the drinking of the blood but the siphoning of the life. Could be that's true, especially if we really are members of 'the demi-angelic host.' But, oh, the 'gravy' tastes so good.

I miss that...

Perhaps tomorrow, I'll be a 'bored, powerful, human' and play a little.... If I do, eventually, return to the fold and become a vampire again there'll be more than enough time to repent.

(He sits on the porch staring out into the black, forest night, as we pull back. A small candle, illuminates his face.... and then he's gone.)

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EDITH the witchy woman & TOMAS (maybe a vampire) talk some more.... 9/7/14

This is one of the disembodied spirit narrators. I'm just some guy who got shot in a hold-up in a men's store under the El tracks in Philadelphia. Maybe you know me from BINGO BOY? I think the same one who channels this channeled that too. Never said my name. That's OK. You don't have to know. Let me tell you what's gone on here. In the Pines, I mean.

I picked red because it's late and that Billy Kravitz is probably sleepy. Red wakes you up.... The Jersey Pine Barrens are nice. Not like in the city. City's all messed up. Can't get no coffee. Can't get no medicine. Well, you can if you got valuables. People still use money. Government's still around somewhere's. Once in a while you see leaflets, or maybe a jet goes by overhead. Warlords ain't got planes yet. They say some got suitcase bombs.... atomic bombs you can carry in a backpack. Dora the Explorer went off ten days ago. Took out some place in Michigan. They say the ones who get vaporized... the ones close in, feel their bones turn white hot just before they go poof. Bet that ain't fun. Dumb bastids further out just fry. Eyeballs drip down like rock candy. Skin looks like the black stuff you rinse off from a grilled pepper. Dogs race round like comets. Crazy people laugh. But all a them still die, 'cause the radiation does it. Like a sunburn from the inside out. Only you can chug Solarcaine til the cows crawl home (you ever see crawlin' cows?) but it won't do no good. 

Mole-folk tunnels under what used to be the subways are crowded now. People feel safe down there. Got their mushrooms. Got their pigeons. Got their rats. Tuna fish is money. Cans, I mean. Last cans from the stores still got like three years on 'em. After that you can use them as rocks and throw them at people.

Pines is where you wanna be. Can eat turtles or muskrats or some kind a fish. Got greens. Got acorns. Some feral pigs runnin' round too. Edith got like twenty cartons a Sweet Tarts. Don't know where she got 'em. But she got 'em. Think she found a truck somewhere.  Got three dozen gross of 'I'm With Schmuck Face' t-shirts off another truck. Pineys real good at findin' trucks. Every kid runnin' round there got Schmuck Face shirts. It's like a uniform. 

They're out on the porch now. Edith and Tomas, I mean. Still dark. Forest folk like the dark. They sit. They talk. Drink homemade wine. Eat dry Fruit Loops. Cereal keeps. Milk don't. Sometimes a ghost come by. They say something. Edith, bein' a witchy woman knows all about that stuff. 

She got a nice, big folding beach chair they give away fifteen years ago from some casino in Atlantic City. That's her seat... Gotta stop for a minute... Billy Kravitz (who channels and types this) wants some peanut butter crackers...OK, he's back. Peanut butter cracker-time (and ginger ale) is over. Took fifteen minutes. Got Game of Thrones on over the fireplace. That's like Shakespeare only with lot a naked titties. Think they supposed a be ancient Irish people on drugs...

OK, now we back in the wee hour pines. Tomas gonna say something.

TOMAS - (slaps at a mosquito) And now the little vampires feast on me.

Edith chuckles and nods...

TOMAS - I feel so exposed. I feel so weak. Even gravity rests different on me now...

EDITH - Each 'phase' has its charms. You wanted this. You could have stayed dead, you know. And I mean true death, human death.

TOMAS - Was I dead? 

EDITH - (shrugs) Who knows? You want some Fruit Loops?

TOMAS - (shakes his head) Fruit Loops... What crap you humans eat. I don't remember it like this.

EDITH - What you remember was a thousand years ago. They had crap then too.

TOMAS - No, not us. We kept the dietary laws... clean meats...fresh bread... 'Take not for your table the eaters of carrion' and all that.... Can you roast a goose?

EDITH - Are you crazy?

TOMAS - (looks up from under pensive brows and nods) How will you find 'Papa?' I need him. I need his blood.

EDITH - Sweetheart, I don't even know if he's out there. Not where we can find him anyway. But I'll try. I'll look... throw some hoo-doos... sing some songs. You know. But if I can't... you gotta make do with some other vampire. OK?

He doesn't want to hear that.

EDITH - You don't like Fruit Loops?

TOMAS - No.

EDITH - I'm sorry, sweet heart.

TOMAS - (whispers) I know.

And then we pull up and away (a crane shot, I guess) revealing two small souls in the dark.

<more next time>

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Temporarily mortal Vampire, Tomas, reunites with His 'Witchy' Woman Friend, EDITH... 9/5/14

this must of necessity be a rushed post. web hook-up is still screwy. lights on xfinity modem or whatever they call it blink on and off. I've asked some of out disembodied spirit narrators to slip into the digital realm and see what they can find. But some of them were last 'in the flesh' centuries ago and think manual can openers are high tech. so we're 'broadcasting' via a secondary hook-up. Hope I don't lose it. the net access company is a doodie head. even a cop would agree. but they're sort of a monopoly around here and short of a revolution, we pay and cry and they laugh and spend.

BUT...

Back to our story...

SMALL CLEARING IN THE DARK, NEW JERSEY PINE BARRENS

EDITH (the witchy woman) strides through the dense trees, which appear to make way for her. The RED PAINT PEOPLE self consciously melt back into the shadows. TOMAS stands there...

EDITH approaches him and caresses his face.

EDITH - How mortal you are. You smell so human...

TOMAS sighs and shudders. She hugs him. He cries. 

TOMAS - I want it back. Help me. I want it back..

She gently rocks him from side to side.

EDITH - (whispers) Come with me.

She takes his hand and leads him through the trees, which momentarily move out of the way as they pass.

CUT TO - another small clearing. EDITH'S cozy cabin occupies the central position. Sort of like what Jed Clampett had before he struck oil, but less crude, less rustic. Well placed moonbeams gild the gray, slate roof. They approach the porch. HORSEY SKEEZIX, a juvenile, rather equine faced human with bat wings and smooth, short, glossy fur (a JERSEY DEVIL) gets up from the stoop and moves out of the way. PIN HEAD MEL, his teeny headed playmate titters from the bushes. 

EDITH and TOMAS climb up onto the porch and go in.

INT. CABIN seconds later...

They sit 'cross a rough dining table. Neither says a word. Then Tomas speaks up...

TOMAS - I want 'Papa.' I want him. He's gotta do it.

EDITH - (sighs) I knew you'd say that.

TOMAS - You been 'watchin'' me?

EDITH - (nods) I ain't no 'born' witch, but I got my talents.

TOMAS - Then where's 'Papa?' Where is he?

EDITH - Can't you feel him?

TOMAS - No. Not now. Not like this. I'm a vampire, not a witch.

EDITH - Honey, you ain't even that. And I don't know where your 'Papa' is. I have no idea. 

They hear staccato farts from behind closed door.

TOMAS - What's that!?

EDITH - Don't be scared. That's my husband. That's Mister Edith. He's sleepin'... doing his digestion. That's all. 

TOMAS accepts that, but sinks back into silence.

EDITH - (reaches for his hand) He may not be there, honey. May not be anywhere. Might have 'sublimated.'... You know how them old ones 'give up the ghost.'

TOMAS contemplates what she said...

They sit there in the flickering glow of a small oil lamp... Tomas lays his head on his arms.

EDITH - (whispers) Don't be scared. I'll do somethin'...

More loud, staccato farts from beyond the door...

EDITH - (yells) Shut yourself up, you old bastid, you! You wanna poison everybody!?

Farts stop.

EDITH - (smiles) There, I did that.

Tomas doesn't respond...

And the cricket rhapsody takes over, as the low light from the oil lamp fades away.

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TOMAS REACHES THE MYSTERIOUS PINES AND SOME STUFF WITH RED PAINT PEOPLE... 9/3/14

The New Jersey Pines Barrens is a funny place. Some parts don't have any roads... Maybe a few deer paths, or still used, old Indian byways, but nothing a car could use. I guess them old spirits like it that way. Miles and miles of endless pines. They say forest rangers go in from time to time, but I don't know anything about that. 

Tonight it's dark. Big thick band a thunder boomers came through couple hours ago. Lightning like white hot, lethal Silly String. Air still got that ozone smell in it. Crickets still singin' 'bout it, the dumb bastids. They got shit for brains. Place has little clearings. The Pines, I mean. Maybe enough room for like a rough, little house or two... a chicken coop... some apple trees. All tumble down and homey like. Some clearings are just empty. They're stompin' grounds... dancin' places. Red Paint folks uses them. Red Paints is an old tribe. Not Indians. Folks what know skeletons say they come from 'cross the 'Lantic Ocean. Dried up skeletons say which ocean you crossed over. Not you, 'cause you still livin', but your people... your dead people.... all them 'generations.'

Red Paint folks ain't got much magic.... just strange ways. Right now, they catch a guy... not like they run after him and grab him. They just find him, put out like a present... duct tapped to a tree. Mafia fellas does that. Drive out from Philly. Stow the car on some little fire access road and tote the guy into the woods. Then they jus' truss him up, wearing nothing but that gray, shiny duct tape. Let him set his bare ass down in the mud, though. Pour pancake syrup all over him and go home. City all torn up now, but Mafia guys is always busy. They jus' never sit still. 

Pancake syrup brings in the critters... bitin' critters. They little, but they determined. Everything gotta eat, even mousy-ratty-buggy things. Trussed up guy screamin' when they find him. He beggin.' He cryin.' He go - Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!... but he not rescued. He jus' discovered. Red Paint folks not hungry. They already ate. But still wanna have fun. Everybody gotta have fun. 'Sides, they know he a bad fella, or Mafia dudes wouldn't a done him like they do. So that make it alright. Red Paint folks ain't no savages, you know. They jus' pin him down and commence slicin' him open with specially sharpened banjo picks. I think they banjo picks. Maybe guitar picks. I not sure. Kids make 'em to keep busy. That way they have like a little business... make some money. 

Picks peel that skin right off, jus' like cleanin' a possum. Guy stop screamin' 'cause they got all kind a shit stuffed in his mouth. But he tremble and his eyes go all crazy-like. That how you know he don't like it. After eyelids ripped off he REALLY look crazy. He REALLY don't like it.

That when they start the 'stompin.' Make like a circle. Do their dance... Stomp to the left. Stomp to the right. More like shuffle, actually. Eyes glaze over. Some guy play a little Hawaiian guitar. Keep it up til Mafia bastid look like pulled pork. 

What happen next, I do not know, 'cause that when Tomas come. Big, old timey hearse he locked in clatter to stop on little fire access road. Werewolves pullin' it starts howlin' and yelpin.' Red Paint folks shuffle out through trees to see the show. Not like they ain't got a show a they own, but you know how it is. Folks jus' gotta see. Always somethin.' 

Hearse doors fly open. Tomas jump out. He coughin'. He pantin.' He go - Edith! Edith! Where Edith!?..... Red Paint woman go - Shit.... 'Cause she know witchy woman don't like makin' pulled pork out a people. It like 'a thing' with her. So they real quick bury the guy and clean up. Werewolves jus' wander off, 'cause they conceited bastids.

Then Edith march through them trees like a big, ole virago queen sayin' - Who call my name!!?? Who call my name!!??

Tomas go - I did..... 

And she start cryin', 'cause she like him a lot.. Missed him real bad too...

<next time... Tomas and Edith make plans> 

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