SARAH GOES 'VAMPIRE CRAZY'

Sarah usually fed with Tomas. Not always on the same night. But he often accompanied her. Their cycles weren't congruent. She was a full moon feeder. He was occasionally, yet his cycle tended to migrate. Some periods ran twenty eight days and some thirty. And then there were the rare times he sipped a little blood between meals.

But this one was special. The victim, I mean. Sarah hated him. She had the dream. She had the vision, so that part was all right. Trouble was, Annie wanted to go. The juvenile vampirina liked to watch.  Got all excited. Made her giggle. Made her giddy. She loved it. Papa let her do it when he was around (no telling how long he'd be off with that MADAM SHANG person, or whatever she was). Tomas never thought it was right. Didn't feel it was proper. You know how he loves all that religious stuff? When he tries to 'convert' her, Annie says - Eww! Get off me, you Jew! I don't do that! I don't do no Jewy crap!.... And she lays down and kicks him with her feet. Vampires, even skinny, little vampire, snot nosed girls, can kick hard. But he just bats her away and says prayers. One day she'll learn. 

Sarah's trying to sneak out. Can't sublimate, 'cause she's got to save her power for the kill. You know some confrontations can be messy. So Edith has Annie in the kitchen. Made her a hot toddy... some kind a rum and some kind a flavored butter.  Got a little apple schnapps in there too. Serves it like a soup. Not every vampire can tolerate all the additives. Most only take in alcohol... besides blood, I mean. But Annie can and she likes it. 'Soup' is a big favorite with her. Says it makes her feel like one a them kids on the Brady Bunch, or like Leave It To Beaver, if Leave It To Beaver was a girl. Bet she eats the whole pot. It's not a huge pot. It's a sauce pan... from the Rachel Ray set. Tomas bought it. He likes the way it looks...but still.

So Sarah did manage to get out of the house. Walked down the little, narrow thoroughfare. Guy didn't live too far, just over in Old City. You gotta love these Philly neighborhoods. Dickens' London never had none better. He was a big boss man. Ran some company. Wrote evaluations. Fired folks for fun. Came on to the young girls. Belittled the young guys. Drove one or two to suicide, but they covered that up. Still, Sarah knew. She had the dream. It was his time. 

But this one was ready for her. This one knew she was comin'. Some human beans can do that, read minds, I mean. So when she sublimated through the door, he was waiting. Just stood there, all naked, peein' in a glass (good one from williams-sonoma, or someplace like that). Then he held it up, smiled and drank it..... Ain't no vampire gonna drink piss-blood. They can't stand it. He goes - And that was the third one..... Then he hiccuped and laughed. 

You could see from her eyes that she was gonna do something. She was hungry too. So she take a step toward him. Naked fella back up. She go closer, til he press tight against the wall. He belch right in her face. She gag. He giggle. But then she pinch a nipple real, real hard. Naked fella start goin' - Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!..... Then he go - No! No! No!.... Finally he just cry. She twist him 'round real fast and grab him by the arms. You know, the way wrestlers does? Then she whisper in his ear. She say - Oh, you still gonna die. I ain't gonna eat you. But you still gonna die....... Then she radiate out all her hoo-doo (naked fella gotta be in it too) and sublimate right up through the bedroom, the roof and everything. Fly him back to the townhouse and smack him right down on the granite island in the kitchen. Edith almost had a hearty-tack. But Annie get real happy. She start clappin' her hands and dancin' 'round. Reach out to touch parts a him too. But Sarah yell - No! Little gal don't do that!..... So she don't.... But maybe 'bout six heartbeat later she go - Whew! Why he stink so bad?...... Then she run over and throw up all the hot toddy right down the sink. Lucky it all liquid.  Annie know Sarah not gonna drink him all up. That instinct. Vampire know that kind a crap. And seein' that he do deserve to go 'guhk' Sarah ruminatin' some other plan. 

What you gonna do!? What you gonna do!? - yell Annie...... Sarah say - Watch...... Then she go out to the vestabule by the fancy-talkin'-room (what folks up here calls 'the living room') and press the button for the elevator. I tell you, this place got everything. When the door open she reach in and send it up to the attic (which here is like a studio). Does somethin' else so door don't close. then she stomp in a kitchen, crack both thigh bones (not hers. the naked guy's), scoop him up (he all whimperin' and all), carry him out and throw him down the empty shaft...two floors til the bottom. He go 'oof' when he hit the cement. Some other part a his body break too, but I do not know exactly what. Then Sarah go - Annie! Get out here. You wanna hear this, don't you?...... Two heartbeat later she right behind her. Annie go - I wanna press it! I wanna press it!..... At first Sarah not gonna let her. But Edith, the human bean, Piney-witchy-woman, 'housekeeper' go - Let her do it. She good. She help me clean the kitchen while you out... So Sarah lean off to the side, gesture toward the button and say - Well, in that case, be my guest. 

Annie clap her hands, go 'goody-goody,' stretch herself over and push it. They could hear the guy mumblin' down below. 

Now house elevators ain't fast like office buildin's or condominiums. They slow. They quiet. When it come by the vestabule Sarah and the little vampire gal jump in. She gigglin'. She so happy. Soon-to-be-dead guy go - No! No! No!.....like he did when his nipples gettin' pinched, only this time a little bit sadder.

Soon only got 'bout two feet a go. He cryin'. He bangin' on the bottom a the car.... But it jus' keep movin'. 

Annie say she count each and every snap, smash and pop. After, when they look, he more like guacamole (from stomach bile) or crunchy peanut butter than human bean. Maybe little bit like hummus too. 

Edith say she call 'familiar' cleanin' service to scoop him out in the mornin'. They like two foreign-talkin' European umpa-lumpas. But they all right. Conrad and Tomas not know what happen, 'cause they still out.

So Sarah and Annie go upstairs to play with them whorey lookin' Barbies til vampire gal wanna go to sleep.

Sarah like spendin' time with her..... That how they bond...

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SOME NIGHTS SARAH PLAYS 'MOTHER"

Annie liked when Sarah fixed her hair. She wanted braids, but she couldn't get 'em to go right. You know, the old fashioned nineteen forties kind like Natalie Wood had in Miracle on Thirty Fourth Street. Don't know where Annie got the idea, but that's what she wanted. Could be she once bit the toes off an old lady who once had 'em. She 'takes in' a lot a stuff that way. 

Sarah made her take a nice bath. Little vampirinas don't sweat much, but she still gotta look nice. And warm water does bring the blood up to the skin a little. Not that they're exceptionally pale. You wouldn't spot 'em on the street. Still, a fresh, pink, blush does look so much better. 

Annie wanted to go snoopin' 'round some fancy hotel. Maybe The Mandarin, or The Royal Penn (he did reign as LORD PROTECTOR, you know). She liked sublimating through locked doors. Sometimes she drank up all them cute little bottles a Jim Beam. Sometimes she watched dirty movies. Sometimes she killed people. But don't think she did that all the time, for a vampirina can't take in that much blood. Maybe like twice a year. That's  all.

Sarah said - How about if I go with you tonight? How about we go see a movie, or maybe if there's a show you like, we can go see that. Annie liked musicals.  She could sing It's A Hard Knock Life til it made you sick. Tomas wanted to go too, but Sarah said - No, don't push it. Just me. Don't want to make a big thing out of it. Got to wean her off little by little. It's my thing and I gotta do it. She liked playing 'mama,' especially after that service. Tomas is Sephardic, you know. That means Rite of Spain, Jewish Orthodox. Don't think Fiddler On The Roof. Think Man Of La Mancha, if you want to know what it's like. So she was still all juiced up with The First Forgiveness liturgy from two nights ago. Advent of the Biblical New Year, you know. 

A lot of vampires take faith very seriously. They don't pray to Lillith, or any a that lurid 'fang, 't' & 'a'' kind a stuff. This isn't fiction. OK, I know we pretend that it is. But that's just a bunch of shit and you know it. What, every culture on Earth independently created the same, exact mythos? Indians up by The Great Lakes and Sumerian mystics BOTH stumbled on such congruent manifestations? 'Human' pleeeze. Quit makin' out like you don't see what you know you see. I know we had this talk before, but we got newcomers here tonight and they gotta learn. 

So Sarah went with the mean, little, vampirina bastid. Bought her story books from a hotel gift shop. Let her sublimate into the dark, cavernous Lord & Taylor store and boost a few 'cute little tops.' Annie liked cute little tops. Look, 'least she wasn't molestin' nobody. And then they shared an ice cold 'pony' bottle a Grey Goose. Not sure where they got it. But that's what they did. In case you're one a the new ones, vampires can drink alcohol, 'cause like it's a chemical and not a food. Guess they can drink Windex too if they want. That's a chemical. I don't know.

But the important thing is Annie didn't do no wrong...at least by life-eater standards. And that made Sarah feel good.

Maybe like an hour 'fore dawn they stroll back to the townhouse.... a nice, young, Susan Sarandon lookin' mama and her all braided up little girl. Little girl look like she maybe a bitsy drunk. But you gotta remember, this is reality. Perfection we don't get....OK?

'Case you one a the new ones, bienvenido al mundo vampirismo..... That Spanish talk. Tomas like Spanish talk. After one thousand year he still like that talk. Old habits die hard. 

So tomorrow night, somebody gonna get theyselves all good and killed...

And who am I?  I one a your favorite disembodied spirits. This Mister Never-You-Mind..... and it time for me to sign off...........

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MADAM SHANG TELLS OF FIRST FACTS BEFORE LATER FACTS

Come, oh best beloveds, or those I deem to call by that name. Attend to me and hear what I say. Turn away from the 'evil cloud' that passes among you. The truth of it may come as a surprise. Drift with me, as I enlighten you. I speak especially to the mortals of the New World and share first truths, which were twisted into new lies.

Know this. I was already Jiang-Shi, or Kyuuketsuki < old Chinese terms for 'vampire'>  long before these times...and a demi-goddess too. But I never relinquished an interest in my people. An many a royal ear felt the breath of my whisper. If only they had listened. 

There came a master, sent to us by The Divinities of Heaven, named Zhu-Di, known to the ages as The Great Yong Le Emperor. Your puny peninsula of Europe was greatly weakened at this time, having recently weathered The Plague. But China was strong, rich with the treasures of Persia and Araby, Angor Wat and Ethiopia. And our Most Perfect Benefactor , the emperor, desired more. 

So in the year known to you as only 1400 or so, he decreed ships to be built. Great ships. Vast ships. Unseen in your world til  the age of steam. Six hundred feet long they were and one hundred ninety feet wide. They carried men and cattle and weapons and eunuchs. They carried intricate brass, navigational devices, gun powder and gold. And they ventured out beyond the islands of our little brother, The Empire of Nippon. 

But, lo, The Jade Emperor was in a playful mood. And He Who rules The Heavens birthed a great storm, confounding the fleet and scattering it far to the east, before finding rest in another enchanted realm, known to the world as Tiuantinsuyu, The Empire of The Four Ways..... north, south, east and west. I believe your mandarins style it 'The Inca Empire.' From that noble anchorage they set out to see more, exploring far, far up the coastline to a vast natural harbor, which is at this time known as the Golden Gate, in the place you call California.

Strange beasts, armadillos, condors and miniature camels called llamas appeared in the noble menageries of The Middle Kingdom. Courtiers petitioned He Who Holds The Mandate of Heaven to return to the east, so that these lands might be civilized and brought under our beneficent tutelage. But the cost of such endeavors was dear and the Great Yong Le said - No.

We retreated to our pleasure domes, allowing lesser kings to gnaw at the carcass of these novel lands. But we learned and we hoped and we suffered and we waited. 

Now I am here. And the one you call 'Papa' is with me. True, the quest is not his. But he will help.  And The Golden Gate shall welcome back the Yong Le fleet once more.

Be gone!! I have breathed on you enough! I go to take my pleasure with my new Cro-Magnon prince.....

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A NEBULOUS MANIFESTATION OF EVIL

The day passed without incident. Tomas and Sarah shared their subterranean, flower- petal lined, deep, dark crypt. Annie holed up with her whorey looking Barbies and her iPod. Conrad retreated to his snug, little cubicle (actually part of a walk-in closet)with a bunch of old National Geographics. I don't know where he got them from. I think they grow like mold. And that was it. Edith sat at the granite island playing solitaire and doing her nails. Sometimes she listened to talk shows. 

It was one of those special days... the kind you get late in summer or early in fall, when the weather says - I ain't gonna make 'em sweat too much for a change....... The sky glows with a cerulean radiance. All is fresh and clean. A plump, little baby popped out right in the middle of a Center City tapas bar. I think it had a mother wrapped around it first. You know what I mean. It didn't come from nowhere. They shot exteriors for some new cop show on Arch street. The star was 'givin' it to' one a the brand new P.I.'s . She made sure he got some a the extra special pizza. But that's a whole other story. They're gonna get married, but it won't last. At least she'll get a development deal at IMAGINE out of it...... It's all who you know. And just off Broad Street some mental guy was tryin' a clip off his eyelashes with an old pair a cuticle scissors in front of a polished, metal mirror in the sticky men's room of a no-name burger joint, when a disgruntled, grease-splattered pattie flipper storms in, BANGS the door against the wall and makes him stab his eye out. He laid on the floor trembling for twenty minutes.

That was the day. That was it.

And a few hours later, when the light dripped away, the nebulous evil came back. It did not condense in the same place. Actually, I don't know where it happened. But a nice lady holding a sleeping two year old slipped right off the subway platform. No one could save them from the speeding train. Rush hour traffic got held up for almost ninety minutes. 

It's not that you could actually see the cloud, but if you passed through it you'd know. All of a sudden you felt sad. Couldn't put your finger on it...and that made it worse. I suppose experts would call it an anxiety attack. Look, they gotta call it something. 

Baylah was back in town. She'd been here for a few days already. Contractors were doin' something to her boyfriends house down the shore. You know how they do those places up in the fall. Gotta keep that HGTV gloss goin'. 

She liked the fall. Liked her cozy, little piano bar. Liked her nest upstairs. Liked the regulars. One or two might a known she was a life-eater (politically correct term for 'vampire') , but that was all right, 'cause they got a pretty sophisticated crowd. Singer was crooning through the Rufus Wainwright songbook. He's an extra special favorite in Philadelphia. Mellow, poignant, story songs, just right for a chill, autumn night.

But things changed real fast when Miss Lipskey, a well polished woman of a certain age, with a pre-War condo to die for, actually did. Just went 'guhk' face down in a hot bowl a gourmet chili. Didn't look all polished no more after they sat her up though. Found her partial bridge under the piano. Guess somebody kicked it. Still, her nephew was glad to get it back.

Was it the 'cloud'? .... What do you think?

Annie was fixin' herself up to go runnin' the streets. Started humin' 'rain, rain, go away. come again some other day'..... 'Cept it wasn't rainin'.

Sarah, still all God-juiced from last night's service, didn't want her to do it. But you have to be careful how you approach Annie about these things, 'cause she can be crazy. 

And tonight, somethin' was makin' her brain itch real bad......

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O. G. Tomes: "She Becomes You" Sneek Peek!!

O. G. Tomes: "She Becomes You" Sneek Peek!!: "She's the type of nightmare you never wake up from..... 5 out of 5 stars to "She Becomes You" Go ahead, you know you want a look... BIG NEW HOT BOOK......(go read the 'sneak' and then come back and read us too ---)

The First Forgiveness Service Was Nice. What Happened Next Wasn't

They sat in the back, in the very last pew. It was easy to slide in. No velvet cushions this month, what with everybody repenting and all. The Old Pine Street Synagogue, dating from Federalist times had a clean, spare, austere look. Google any early American house of worship. You'll see. The wood floors shine with a rich, deep darkness. Everything else is painted white, except for the varnished oak trim running along the pews and up around the rostrum. The doors to The Ark, behind the rostrum were made of intricately engraved silver, dulled by the years, but still quite lovely. Guide book says they came from Portugal via Holland. Large, brass chandeliers with 'authentic, flame-like bulbs' bathed the faithful in a soft warm glow. 

Tomas and Sarah sat next to an old woman. She smiled at them and they smiled back. He put on his prayer cap, opened the 'book of service' (he and Sarah shared) and joined in, letting the hymns from the white robed choir wash over him. 

And maybe it was Divine Truth, or perhaps just vampiric memory, but he saw the year pass before his eyes....both the triumphs and the failures.... the sins of the flesh and the sins of the spirit....... He quietly repeated - Have mercy, Lord. For my body and soul are Thine.......And God responds - Prepare thyself. Turn away from sin and set thy feet upon My path.... Tomas and the rest of those assembled said that they would. And none so much as suspected the presence of a vampire in their midst.

When they broke for fellowship, he had a taste of wine. The grapes make that a difficult proposition for vampires, but he persevered. Sarah had some too. A lady from the sisterhood offered homemade spongecake, which they 'reluctantly' demurred. Diabetic, you know. Then they made pleasant small talk with a couple from Queens Village (the neighborhood to the south) and left. The streets were dark and quiet. Most of the small, sidewalk trees were still green, though a few dried leaves hid here and there. They held hands. His heart beat slow and calm.

Yet in the blackest shadows of a narrow alley, something watched and it growled as they passed. A four legged creature, with coarse, charcoal fur recorded every move, silently loping out onto the sidewalk and following from a distance. I could tell you its eyes burned orange in the night. A detail like that is usually what comes next. But as it crossed a pool of light cast down from  a black, iron street lamp (the real deal) anyone could see that it had no eyes. The lids hung limp over empty sockets. Still it 'saw' with a sharp keen sight.

The thing accompanied them all the way home. When they went inside and locked the door, it stood vigil , still as stone, in shadows 'neath an old gnarled tree, before vanishing into the mist with the first light of a cool, false dawn...

The 'Dream Time' image draws near...

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THE VAMPIRE TOMAS ATTENDS A MIDNIGHT SERVICE

I heard him in the study all alone and chanting prayers. The lights were off and no one else was home. Annie ran the streets and Edith went to see a movie. She always stops for pancakes after that. And Conrad went to do the things that only Conrad does. I know he's felt the burden from the start. For sometimes being night-folk ain't much like what's on TV. And night-folk take most everything to heart. 

We had a scuffed, old stereo from nineteen sixty three. Baylah brought it over from her bar. He set it up upon the desk and put the record on, an ancient copy of Jan Pierce, I think he was a big opera star, singing KOL NIDRE, the Hebrew prayer for Divine forgiveness of human frailty. Tomas did that from time to time. We know not to bother him. Once in a while I'll sit with him. He holds me. I rest my head on his shoulder. I don't say anything, but I hear him whisper - And, please, LORD,  forgive and protect my Sarah too. Then he kisses the top of my head. He cries a little bit and it's over. 

But this night is different. This night is Selichot (service of first forgiveness), leading up to the Biblical New Year and THE DAY OF ATONEMENT. Look, I've picked up a lot living with him  for over two years. He can't attend services on The Day of Atonement because that's not his time. He's a vampire... and a good one.... and you know how he believes. So he does things in his own way. But SELICHOT Service is different. Selichot Service comes at midnight, 'for The Gates of Heaven open widest upon the darkest hour.' That's what they say.

If you've been with us for a while, you remember what happened last year. You remember the JERUSALEM that wasn't Jerusalem. Not our Jerusalem anyway. Some say we slipped into a parallel universe. Doctor Franklin believes that. And me, I grew up in a family of teachers. We watched Carl Sagan's Cosmos every time they showed it. Nova too. But I don't know. It's funny being a vampire, because we live with the reality of the paranormal.  Magic is like cornflakes and baked beans. It's 'there.' It just is. This isn't a disease. Believe me. We've looked. There ain't no microbe. Dr. Julia Hoffman was barkin' up the wrong tree. No antibiotic gonna cure her Barnabas. So I don't know what happened last year. Maybe the French Knight is still there? Maybe the little Armenian Orthodox cleric is still there?...... You know, that makes me think..... We haven't heard from Zebulon in a while. He's my favorite. Of all the disembodied spirits who flit through our lives, I like him best. Over two thousand years dead. He was thirteen when it happened.... and he still hasn't lost his sense of humor.

But you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get dressed, fix my hair and go with him. I'm gonna go to that service. 

Vampires deserve a little spiritual comfort too.. I mean, look at our group. We're good...mostly. 'Cull the wicked. Preserve the worthy'--- that's what we say.

You know how the service begins? You know how the prayer goes? Tomas told me. It's like a little child, could be a boy.... could be a girl.... sitting down, giving a hairbrush to a parent and asking them to please undo the tangles.  The tangles are sins. The tangles  are bad things, thoughtless things we've done  to others. The tangles get in The Way...... And if we ask with a pure, childlike innocence, GOD will remove each and every one.

I gotta do something with Annie. Every once in a while she acts a little better, but this isn't right. And Edith shouldn't eat those pancakes all alone each time. 

I gotta do something. I just have to.

Let me tell you.... being a vampire is a very complicated thing..... 

Now let me go get dressed.

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