35TH BINGO BOY episode 12/4/12

Bingo Boy - post 35

You see that skinny school teacher went through a lot. At first he was gonna forget it. Chalk it up to their deliriously stunted intellects. But then they started to infiltrate into his world and that was too much. Somebody had to suffer. Somebody had to get a stroke over all this. And it wasn't gonna be him. Lemme tell you what happened today. Who am I? I'm the ghost of a guy who DID have a stroke in a little school off 'The Avenue' (Frankford Avenue). The music teacher, that's who I was.  Couldn't give out equipment. Couldn't give out instruments. They became weapons. Everything became weapons. Not all the kids, just maybe a third of them. But try doing something constructive with eight berserk 'individuals' in the room. And public school xylophones can be mighty heavy. And drum sticks are too much like spears, blunt spears, but just the same. Principal came in. She was doing her 'observations' and I was an easy target. Oh, I knew she was  gonna write me up for a lot of reasons. But I'm dead now. It's over. So let's forget about it. Right there in the classroom. Right in the middle of 'Beautiful Dreamer.' Crashed right down on the hard, cold tile floor. Blood running out of my nose, my mouth, my eye (one of them). Think I was twitching too. Some kids froze. Some ran around the room screaming  like a bee was chasing them. Some clapped and laughed. Principal goes - Oh my. Oh my.... Then she sends a kid to bring back the school cop. Good thing is I DID manage to avoid the bad report. But I was dead. Plus side was my wife and family got the ' died in the line of duty' pension insurance pay out. Almost a half million dollars, I think it was. That part made me happy. Now the skinny guy didn't die, but his day wasn't much better.

When he enters the building, the first thing he does is go into the office and sign in. But one of the Tugboat Annie's who frequents the bingo hall has a little grand beast in the building. She happens to be in there 'tawkin' to another  woman who's also dropping off a signed 'notice of suspension' paper. And when she see's him (the skinny guy) she starts snickering. She starts whispering something, some of which was not even remotely politically correct. You know, educated types are always targets for that around here. 

But he walks out and goes about his business. Teacher can't say anything, you know. Then later, when he goes into the staff lunchroom, he sees 'em all grinning and looking and laughing. Bad enough brushing away mouse turds, but now he's gotta deal with this too. Somebody must a been talkin'. Somebody must a told them. I think the second woman in the office gets a pay check outta the place. Cleans up the lunchroom, or maybe she's the stop-kids-from-choking-each-other- lady in the schoolyard. I don't know. But she talked. And every building has a certain amount of people who love  to get down to the level of the kids.

So he eats his bought-on-sale, processed turkey breast sandwich by himself at the rickety little table by the copy machine. And the afternoon ain't much better. Works with middle school aged kids then. They know the story. They keep whispering. They mimic him. They go - Lemme see that card!..... They giggle. They giggle. They giggle some more. Least they don't bop each other with the stainless steel flutes.

Afterwards, when he goes out to the parking lot, he sees what they wrote on his car. I don't know what they used. But it looked like a marker, or a paint thing. And he had to drive all the way back to his house like that. Look, I don't have to tell you. You 'know' how 'understanding' some neighbors are? You know. 

So he calls his cousin at the TV station and they set up the whole thing.....

Gloria Allred called him, for Christ's sake...

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34TH BINGO BOY episode 12/03/12

BINGO BOY - post 34

It seemed Marty was doin' a lot a thinkin' 'bout the money. Days went by. Little Chrissie would drop hints. You see, a girl can do it without being too in-your-face. But if Ricky did it, he'd be threatening. He'd be confrontational. So she'd say things like - Yo, Ricky, you wanna take a ride up to that Italian place we liked so much?...... Ricky'd go - What do you mean? Which one?... And she'd say - The one up where Marty's 'friend' lives......Obviously, he was always close by when they had these discussions. He'd look. Then he'd look away. Then he'd look again. If nobody else was close by he'd say - All right, all right. What are you tryin' to do? Stop it. Stop gettin' funny. I don't like it..... But one night Big Chrissie accidentally on purpose let him find a napkin with his address written on it (in her handwriting) in the little kitchen. Boy did he look sick. 

And Jimmy was gettin' sick too. He was gone stir crazy... real stir crazy. Did exercises all day. At first all he could do was old man, hands-against-the-wall push ups, but now he could do regular ones. Leg raises and sit-ups too..... Marge'd say - You doin' that for me?.... But he wouldn't answer. Bein' stir crazy makes 'em get that way, you know.

Now she fed the baby down in the basement too. All three of 'em ate supper together. Sometimes steak sandwiches (not the baby). Sometimes chopped steak and mashed potatoes (smushed together for the baby). And sometimes tuna croquettes with macaroni and cheese (also smushed up for the baby). Wasn't exactly Ukrainian food, but he wasn't so fussy anymore. Just wanted out. He'd tell her too. He'd say - I hafta get outta here. It's killin' me.... Marge'd put her hands over the baby's ears and say - Want me to take 'im upstairs? I'll play ya another game a 'the cossack and the farm girl' again?...... But Jimmy wasn't interested. He'd go - No. I just have to get out of here. I just have to get out...... Marge'd say - I know. But do you think you could wait just a little bit longer?....... Jimmy'd say - Why? You makin' me a party, or somethin'?...... I think a little bit of his brain thought they were gonna kill him one day, because what else could they do with him? Not his whole brain, just part of it. That's how things were done over there. Back with his Kiev hoodlums, I mean. And old habits die hard. But then the baby'd go - Ya, Ya, Ya, Ya, or Da, Da, Da, Da and he'd forget. Marge told him the kids were tryin' to get Marty to  give 'em a lump sum pay out. She said - Can't you wait a little while, like til they get it, 'cause then we can all go somewhere together?...... Jimmy'd go - What you mean 'we'?...... But that only seemed to upset her.

And that skinny-school-teacher guy was upset too. He'd been upset. He was real upset. You know, like, like a chicken with it's eyes ready to bust out. See? Look at him sittin' at his desk there (the one at home), typin' out those letters and all. And I mean typin' 'em on an electric typewriter, so you know he meant business. One for the district attorney. One for the Office of License and Inspections. And one for each and every bleach-toothed, blow dried, dedicated, investigative reporter at every station in town. Sent out a lot a emails too. All very neat. All very thorough. All very incriminating.

Skinny school teacher guy gonna get his revenge...

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33RD BINGO BOY episode 12/1/12

BINGO BOY - post 33

It's late. The bingo hall is closed. Little Chrissie, Ricky, Big Chrissie and John crowd into a booth at some pancake house. John passes around print outs. They study them and talk. Little Chrissie says - How'd you get all this?.... John goes - From the license number. That's all you need. I already had his name, his business address and the town he lives in. Whoop, there it is. Look, I even have the names of the schools his kids would go to, if he had kids, which he don't... yet..... Big Chrissie squirms....Then he adds - I even know what he takes for his 'prostrate' condition.... Ricky says - Yeah, he does lie down a lot...... John goes - That's because he's sick and all...... Big Chrissie says - What's this at the bottom?...... John goes - A credit card, or a debit card, or whatever it is. He bought something. You wanna know what?... Earrings, he bought earrings. He bought a one carat pair of diamond earrings...... Big Chrissie goes - Oh, my God. I'm gonna vomit.... The other three protectively pull their plates in close.... She adds - Diane, the shill bitch, just got a pair a one carat studs too. I saw them. I asked her. She goes my boyfriend got 'em for me. I say 'oh yeah? Who?..... But she just giggles and starts settin' up her boards (another term for cards). God damn bastid. Wonder what his wife got? ......... John goes - Nothin'. I didn't see no other big purchase. 'Less she got her own credit card........ Big Chrissie looks angry........ Ricky goes - You know, you gotta be real careful. You can't make a big thing outta this, 'cause then Mrs. Marty would divorce him. He'd lose a lot a money and you'd (Big Chrissie) be shit outta luck..... Little Chrissie goes - But that's his address? That's it. That's where he lives?...... John goes - Yeah. Why?....... Little Chrissie goes - Nothin'. No reason. Just wondered. That's all.

But Ricky catches her eye and he knows different..

Next day at work, Little Chrissie starts talkin' to Marty back in the kitchen. She's helping him boil hot dogs for the free bingo-supper. They keep it clean enough back there. Look, they eat the crap too. And he does buy all beef wieners for hot dog night. Potato salad's not bad either. Goes cheap on the rolls. But rolls don't matter much. Two dogs and a big mound a almost homemade 'tater salad. Real hot. Real salty. Real juicy. Real good. Bet you could go for some right now? Am I right? Hell, I could and I'm just a ghost narrator. Got shmushed up under the 'el'. Little bits a me rained down on the street below like bird shit. And I don't always haunt 'the avenue' (Frankford Avenue). Believe me. I got better places to go. So let me finish tellin' you what I got to tell you and scram.

Little Chrissie says - Hey, Marty, I think I saw you outside your house the other day..... He goes - R-really? How'd you do that?..... She says - It was early, when I was takin' my kid to the pediatrician's office. Boy, ain't it a small world? Ain't that funny?.... He keeps on makin' like he's busy and goes - W-where's your pediatrician's?..... She goes - You know them offices they got right by Woodlyn Crossing?...... He goes - Y-yeah?........ She says - Right in there. He's right there. But I had a few minutes, so I drove through the development, 'cause the fountain was on and I like the way it looks. Baby likes it too. (boy, can she lie.)....... Marty goes - Oh! That was a friend's place. I just had a run in to pick something up for a minute...... Little Chrissie goes - Yeah? Funny, both your cars were in the driveway....... He makes like he don't hear..... She goes - Hey, Marty?..... He says - What?.... She says - Ya do any more thinkin' 'bout our offer?.......

But he just makes like he's countin' buns.....

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32ND BINGO BOY episode 11/30/12

BINGO BOY - post 32

Meanwhile, that night, back in the windowless, basement prison, Marge and Jimmy finish their dinner. And the other ghost narrators told me we never mentioned the chain. His foot is chained to the wall. It's a long one, attached to a ring, manacle, I guess they call it, 'round his ankle. That's so he can't run away. He can sit on the commode and mush up with Marge. But it never comes off, even when she 'helps' him take his sponge baths. Fits under his sock (he likes plain, cotton, crew socks from Kohl's). But Marge gets 'em from Kmart though. It's closer. He don't know. They had Ukrainian food, or almost Ukrainian food. She cooked it herself. Everything she makes is 'almost' what it's supposed to be. But at least she tries. Chinese food tastes like sweet and sour meatballs. But who knows? Maybe Chinese people would like it? An' ain't that the most important thing? Don't ask me what it was. I died in eighteen forty six. Never had no Ukrainian food in this city back then. Hell, German Jews and Irish Catholics were hot stuff to us. I had sour cream once. Threw up for two days. That's what killed me. So don't ask what Moo-Goo-Gai-Pan would a done. Probably would a taken out a whole side a the street.

Marge goes - Was it good?... Jimmy says - Very good... Marge says - So you liked it?..... Jimmy goes - I liked it... Marge says - I'm glad. I got the recipe from the library. The woman said it was real Ukrainian food. Still got the book. So tell me. What do you want for tomorrow?... He gestures for her to come closer. She sit-hops her chair over toward the cell and puts her face between the bars. He kisses her. She kisses him back. They pull apart. She catches her breath and goes - You want cabbage rolls? You want holubtsi?...... He goes - I give you cabbage roll... They kiss again.... She catches her breath and says - So, you like your new commode?..... Jimmy says - Yes, thank you very much. How much time til shit-for-brainses get home?..... Marge goes - Plenty a time. Don't worry...... Jimmy goes - Baby sleepink?...... She nods. They embrace through the bars and begin unfastening snaps and buckles...

'Bout a mile away, at the bingo hall, the evening shift is in full swing. Supper time's over (hot dog and mac and cheese casserole) and some a the big night games are startin'. Little Chrissie corners Marty by the doughnuts and coffee and says - You make up your mind yet?..... He goes - What?... Like he didn't hear, so she says it again. And Marty goes (as he stuffs a powdered doughnut into his mouth) - I'm thinkin'. I'm still thinkin..... Then he runs up and down the aisles, makin' like he's countin' all the cards for the record books. But it's just a show. Who the hell needs records when you can make 'em up yourself?... Little Chrissie looks over at Ricky (he's pickin' up quarters). He looks over at her. This ain't goin' too good...

And Too-Many-Cookies been askin' questions. Wants a know what's in all the bags. Seen Marge come back from Kohl's an' Kmart and all. Marge says - Christmas presents.... 'Too' says - Yeah? Then who's the little toilet for? I guess she ain't never heard nobody say 'commode.'  But Marge goes - Little toilet? I ain't never bought no little toilet..... 'Too' goes - Ohhh...... But you know she don't believe her... You know this is a real narrow street they live on. Secrets are like an endangered species. 

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31ST BINGO BOY episode 11/30/12

Bingo Boy - post 31

Now the next night, they were back in the bingo hall. It was a real hell hole. You could swim through the smoke.  It stuck to your tongue and made everybody's clothes smell like shit. But the crowd was good...at least eighty people. Not bad for one a the first cold nights a the year. Hot coffee, greasy doughnuts, cigarettes, low stakes gamblin'... man, life is good. Sure, the city has a 'no smoking' law. Everybody knows about that. But come on... Who do you think, outta this crew is gonna complain? Maybe a few don't like it... but they like bingo more. And you know what they say when somebody tells 'em cigarettes cause lung cancer? They say - Eh, who the hell knows? When it's 'your' time, it's 'your' time.......Believe me educated they ain't... Well, maybe one a them is.... Some skinny, school teacher guy. And it didn't do him any good. I'll tell you how it happened....

Uncle Patsy was up there callin' the numbers. Look, he wasn't the only caller, but he was the best. Droned on and on with that low voice. Put 'em to sleep. But that's OK. Better they ain't so alert. Both a the 'bingo slatterns' (carnie for shills) were workin'. Diane, the big one starts yellin'. She goes - BINGO!.... Then she turns to her neighbors and says - I don't know. Somebody up there likes me. This must be my lucky day!...... Right away, Muscles trots over to check her bingo. He picks up a card, looks up at Uncle Patsy, who could play this part in his sleep, and calls out any four number, winning combination from up on the light board.You know you don't need five, 'cause they got a free space. Uncle Patsy makes like he's listening. Then he goes - There's a winner. That's a bingo..... Muscles starts peelin' off ones from his roll, a few fives too. This was a twenty five dollar game. She don't keep it. Marty gets it all back. He gives her a cut. Like twenty percent, I think. Only before they finish and start the next game, the little school-teacher-guy says something. He goes - Excuse me, but why do you always show her wins to the other one, her friend there?Let me see that card...... But Muscles drops it back on the counter real quick and Diane mixes it in with the others, like she's gettin' ready for the new game...... Uncle Patsy goes - Too late. Game closed.... School-teacher-guy goes - You know, nobody wins over eight times a night, like she does. That's a statistical impossibility. And her 'friend' don't do too bad either....... Sure he knows he should a said 'doesn't,' but look, he don't wanna get beat up. As it is, groans rise from the crowd. Some a the viragoes yell things like - Shut the hell up, you Poindexter, pointy-headed bastard you! Come on! Shut him the hell up and play! Drop dead, you ass-hole, you!...... School-teacher-guy holds up a paper, like a little piece ripped from a tablet. And he goes - Yeah, am I? Well, I been keepin' a record. And I'm gonna show it to L & I, or the district attorney's office, or the cops and then we'll see how they like it.......... The viragoes go...( No, maybe this time it was the harridans? Sometimes I lose track) - Shut that bastid the hell up! Throw him out! Get rid of 'im! Yo, Muscles, come on! What's he pay you for?!..... So Muscles trots over and leans over him menacingly.... He goes - Yo, fa++ot, you got a problem?..... The school-teacher-guy goes beet red, grabs his coat and scrams. Must a parked real close by, 'cause he ain't gonna last on those streets more than a minute. And the dumb cows stamp and cheer.....

Marty saw it all through the one-way-mirror. He stood by the glass and watched. Ricky and Little Chrissie were in the back room with him too. Did a lot a work at the counting table and some a the other kids were beginning to notice, but what were they gonna do? The three a them were talkin' when the trouble started. And now they start talkin' again..... Little Chrissie goes - We want a lump-sum payout...... Marty laughs. He goes - Who you been watchin', Kramer? Suze Orman?..... She goes - What the fuck difference does it make to you!? I wanna get on with my life, so pay us!..... But Marty's real cool. Just turns to Ricky and goes - What about you?...... Ricky says - I wanna get on with my life too.......  Marty nods. He don't mean it. But he nods. He says - How much you want?...... Little Chrissie goes - Three hundred thousand dollars....... Marty grins and says -  Are you crazy? Are you fuckin' outta your minds? Where am I gonna get money like that?...... Ricky goes - You can get it..... Marty don't answer, just keeps grinnin'. So Ricky says - We figured it out. The more we saw, the higher it went..... Little Chrissie goes - Yeah, you get two hundred dopes in here every day. They drop like thirty bucks a piece. How much is that, Ricky?.... He goes - Six thousand a day. Thirty thousand a week. One point five mil a year...... Little Chrissie goes - And we help you count it, so we know..... Marty goes - Boy, you kids know a lot. What about expenses? What about taxes?...... Ricky goes - We allowed for that. Come on. We sit here every night and watch. You think we don't know? You keep like seven hundred thousand dollars a year........ Marty blanches....... Ricky adds - And, Marty, our figures are on the low side........ Little Chrissie says - We know you gave half to Jimmy. You always talk like it was two hundred thousand dollars. But it was more than two hundred thousand dollars. It was more like three hundred and fifty thousand dollars. And now with him gone, you're gettin' it all. So actually, we're givin' you a break. We don't want half a one year's take. We only want about forty percent....... Marty just looks...... Ricky goes - One time. One payout. That's it. We're gone. It's over. You can't go to the police. We can't go to the police......  Marty says - Lemme alone. Lemme think about it. 

And they sit there, in silence, like statues.....

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30TH BINGO BOY episode 11/29/12

Bingo Boy - post 30

Now sometimes our little family ventures out of their dismal surroundings. They did it on Thanksgiving when they went out for dinner. Today, they took a nice ride up to The Willow Grove Mall, in Montgomery County. And this ain't one a them cheap blue-collar-nirvana, screamin' baby malls either. This one got a Bloomingdales in it and a still thriving Barnes & Noble's too. People actually read around here. They ride up the escalators, calmly holding the handles of their heavyweight, statusy shopping bags. Nobody yells. Nobody cracks gum. They talk quietly to each other. People smile. Nobody reeks of tobacco. 

Little Chrissie and Ricky see it all from their seats in the food court. Baby dumpling is there too. And they look OK. They sort of fit in. She watches Charlie Rose. He still has some half way decent clothes from Target. Nothing wrong with Target, provided you know what you're looking at. And the little guy always looks cute. Some babies are like that, you know. They eat their Wendy's chicken sandwiches and they look. The baby's got a jar of pureed baby chow, so he's OK. Ricky feeds him. He loves feeding him. Look at him lean forward and open his mouth. Just like a little bird. 

Then Little Chrissie goes - I hate my life. Not the baby. Not you. Not my grandmom. But I hate it...... Ricky focuses on the little guy and goes - I know..... She says - Then what are we gonna do about it? Live like this forever? Just grab whatever Marty throws at us? And then we can't even spend it or put it in the bank or anything, because somebody, like the government is gonna want a know. They're gonna want to know where it came from. We're livin' the same way Jimmy lived and I don't like that.......... They lapse into silence. She studies the crowd and adds -  Ricky, do you like being together with me and all?..... Ricky says - Yeah, sure. Of course I do....... Little Chrissie goes - You know, I gave up smokin' all together. Not even three or four times a day, like before. Did you notice?....... He spoons another mouthful into the hungry baby and says - Sure I noticed..... She says - Are you glad? You know, I'm the first non-smoker in my whole family........ He says - Sure I'm glad...... She goes - Why?........ He says - Because your hair don't smell like shit no more....... She gives him a look..... He adds - Come on. You know I care about you.... She smiles from ear to ear. And the baby goes into his clap-clap-clap, ya-ya-ya-ya act.

A well dressed, retired couple at the next table (eating salads, naturally) turns around and tells Ricky how adorable his little 'son' is. He says - Thank you... Wipes the baby's mouth and doesn't miss a beat.

Then they finish up, ditch the trash and happily amble off to go get the little fella  a nice warm winter coat. And you know what? They DO sort a fit in.......

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29TH BINGO BOY episode for 11/28/12

Bingo Boy - post 29

Jimmy and Ricky are sitting down the basement watching cooking shows on TV. The former ensconced in his cell. The later on Marge's wooden folding chair.... Jimmy goes - So what. this is your shift?... Ricky goes - Yeah, it's my shift.... Jimmy thinks for a second, then says - Oh, yeah. I guess it is. I lost track... .... .... And if you look, you'll see that Jimmy's all dressed in regular clothes now. He has on jeans and a chambray work shirt. Looks like a prison uniform, but at least it's somethin'. Marge got it when she ran out to get him the commode.... So they sit there watchin' Martha Stewart whisk egg whites.... Jimmy says - Look how she does that. She Polish girl, almost like Ukrainian. Did I tell you?..... Ricky goes - Uh, yeah...... Jimmy goes - You gone let me go today?.... Ricky says - No, not today..... Jimmy nods and says - Why you not kill me that night in New Jersey? You know what you are?....... Ricky - No....... Jimmy adds - A stupid dope. It would have been so much easier for  you. I would have killed you...... Ricky offers him some cookies in a white box, like you get at a bakery. Jimmy peruses the assortment for a moment, then takes one. He eats it. It's good. Ricky offers another. Jimmy says - This got fatty acids?.... Ricky says - I don't know...... Jimmy gives him a dirty look. Ricky closes the box and puts it on a little table. 

Jimmy nods toward TV screen and goes - Did I tell you she Polish?..... Ricky goes - Yeah, like every day.... Jimmy says - Stir crazy, so go to hell..... Then he adds - We got good food in my part a Ukraine too. Real good food....... Ricky goes - I know. Some a my great grandparents came from there too, you know....... Jimmy says - Yeahhh? What part?....... Ricky goes - Zhitomer, you know it?..... Jimmy goes - Yeahhh..... Ricky says - Ekaterinoslav, you know that place too?..... Jimmy goes - Yeahhh....... Ricky adds - The other two were from some little place. I can't remember the name, but it was just to the west of Kharkiv....... Jimmy goes - 'Kharkiv, Kharkiv' Listen how he say it. Just like a 'Ukie.' Not like a Russian. The right way. The right way............ Ricky retrieves the cookie box and eats one, then goes - Well, what do ya think?..... But Jimmy goes - Yeah, but you not real Ukie. You not Catholic. You not Orthodox. You just a Jew....... Ricky goes - Jimmy..... Jimmy says - What?..... Ricky goes - You really hate us so much?..... Jimmy shrugs and goes - You know how it is. You grow up in place, father hate jew, mother hate jew, cousin hate jew, lady who clean church hate jew, imbecile with funny eye hate jew, whore hate jew....... Ricky goes - Stop counting on your fingers. You're gonna need your toes soon....... They sit in silence, watching Martha complete her sweet confection. Jimmy almost nods off, til  Ricky says - So what? You the only one came over?..... Jimmy says - Only one..... Ricky goes - How come?...... Jimmy goes - Killed, dead. I lived with cousin in city. Real family kaput...... Ricky goes - What, the Nazis?.......Jimmy says - Not Nazis. No Nazis. Stalin. Communist. Russians. See? Nobody tell you that. Do they?..... Ricky says - Then you tell me...... Jimmy goes - Ten years before Germans, fifteen maybe, Stalin want to force Ukrainians into big government farm, like prison camp they were. But people do not want this (Ricky listens), so he torture them. He starve them. He kill them. He burn them.... And my family...... Ricky goes - Yeah?..... Jimmy goes - Dead, Dead.Dead. Dead. Dead...... Ricky says - My father said he used to get letters from his relatives in Ukraine. Not him. My grandfather, actually. Right up until the beginning of World War Two....... Jimmy says - What happen to them? On top of being Jew, I mean?...... Ricky goes - That was enough. Didn't give them any choice. Farm camp, or death? Collaborate, or death? And what are you asking me for? You know... Boy, do you know......... Jimmy looks down at his hands and says - I was six years old then. I was six years old........ They just sit there, as Miss Martha tilts the finished birthday cake toward the camera.....

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