It is I, Jonathon ben Macabi. Death destroyed my body, but could not touch me. I speak to you from the Realm of Spirits. I could identify it as The World To Come, or Paradise, or Heaven, or The Bardo. The place has many names. But I chose the most neutral to include you all.
Know that death is not eternal and I will be back. How that will transpire I cannot say. Not because I'm a secret keeper, but because I don't know. We are each domiciled according to our needs in this place. Young mothers become child guardians standing night watch over orphans. Fallen soldiers stand by surviving brethren. Artists of all types inspire the living.
I am an ecclesiastic by nature. Would that I could have served among the Holy Orders of Levites at The First or Second Temple. I am not that particular. A medieval academy of Godly scholars, or perhaps a snug, little country wooden synagogue painted with birds and flowers. Such wondrous sanctuaries they were. Most of the surviving ones were burned seventy years ago.
And my labors?... I talk to clergy. I whisper in their ears. Denominations mean little to me. Wait til you pass over. You'll see. Rabbis and imams and nuns, oh my. Other teams too. I talk about 'we are one, because God is one.' I do this mostly while they're sleeping, or drinking coffee, or watching Andy Griffith reruns. I'm told he's even big in The Emirates.
But listen to me making much of 'no denominations' and all that, while I pine for the faith of my childhood. And not 'here.' I could have it here, with hummus to die for (well, you know what I mean) and cantorials worthy of Andrew Lloyd Weber, or the guys who wrote Les Miserables . Death does nothing to improve memory. I try to recall interesting little places I'd pass on our midnight rambles (with Sarah, I mean), yet I can't... not always.
It's funny. When we lose ourselves... our mortal selves, I mean, discrete, episodic memories mean little. It's all a multi-dimensional matrix...all things... all places... all everything... And I do (what would the word be?) abandon myself to that every once in a while. But I still miss my trim, little leather bootlins and the black jeans and how I'd make these little sparks shoot up from my heels when I scrapped them on the sidewalks just so. No vampire magic that trick. Just metal taps. An old fashioned shoemaker on Ranstead Street did it. Hey, 'shoemaker on Ranstead street,'.... I remembered.
I want to come back. I miss the townhouse and Edith and Baylah. I miss long, cool, subterranean sponge baths with Sylvia and Aura (daughters of the mole people king). you remember them. And I miss Sarah. Some opt for reincarnation. But I don't want to wait that long... Well, since most of the people I miss are vampires or witches I could. You know, the supernatural life span and all that.....
Oh, I don't know. Death can be so confusing. I mean I'm absolutely awed by the radiance of angels. I could stare for hours. Some of them don't like that. Makes 'em nervous. Start sucking their teeth and making like all of a sudden they gotta go do something for God... Yeah, right. Like He doesn't have other angels. Bastards.
I'm gonna go to the seventeenth century, Earth, London section of Heaven and play my guitar.
Bet Doctor Franklin could do something. He did it for Grigori Usipov. I know. I remember.... Look, am I 'bad' for feeling this way?
I don't want to talk any more. I'm gonna go help change diapers on newly dead old folks... Takes 'em a while to realize they can give up all that piss and bowel movement crap.... Humble myself and make amends. Then I'll go play my guitar.
Hasta la proxima, mis amigos viviendos.
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thank you. please comment. look, I was gonna channel Opal and her little zombie pals, but Tomas said I owed him, considering his story started the blog, so I let him commandeer the 'air waves' for tonight. I think he wants to make it a regular thing.
This is Opal and I don't even know what day it is. Madam Blavatska don't let me watch TV or nothing. Gives me all these books to read. Zombie stuff. I don't think you can buy 'em in Target or whatever other place they sell books in. Flesh-Eaters get 'em off the internet. Sometimes rich zombies buy a whole mess of them and give 'em out to poor zombies that don't have no internet, or else f#ckin' asshole zombies that don't know how to use it. I'm starting to think we got a lot a those.
This place is big. The Penthouse, I mean. Got like three floors. Secret zombie crap gets kept downstairs. They don't call it 'secret zombie crap.' I forget the real words. Think it's in French, or some kind a German, or something. They let me go pokin' 'round by myself up here, 'cause all the good crap is somewhere else. But I found this little room. Real cozy... like an old fashioned library. I know, because I seen one once on Channel 12. That's PBS. Sherlock Holmes was in it. He's like a cop and a druggie and a gay guy and an English guy. Might be a warlock too, 'cause I think all English people can do a little magic. My grandmother was English and she blew smoke rings real good, but that might not be real magic if you're gonna get picky about it.
They had this book in that room... a real old book. Said it was printed in 1865. All the pictures were plain, little drawings. Not stick people. The guy who drew 'em would a got like an 'A' in art. 'A's' in art is what they give weird kids to stop 'em from pickin' at their faces til they bleed all the time. But some teachers just let 'em bleed.
Book said Queen Zombies give birth to 'young ones' in a larval stage. Had a picture of a lady who looked like a naked Statue of Liberty with big maggots plopping out a her pee-pee. Said that way births happen on a fortnightly basis. Didn't say what 'fortnightly' meant. I gotta look that up, 'cause that part scares me a little. What if I'm on a bus and a maggot comes out? That could be embarrassing.... 'No, I don't want it. That's not mine. You can have it. Look, your little girl's already playin' with it.' .... Ever see what an 'after birth' looks like? But that (being a zombie) I could eat.
Do I feel bad 'bout eatin' my old teacher? Shut up. I don't know. Don't ask me. Feel a little bad 'bout eating her husband, though.
Before all this zombie-ness I used to want to be on the Broadway Stage. Probably be hard now, 'cause like on 'hungry' nights I'd be jumpin' out into the seats and eatin' people. And most producers would probably not like it, 'cause if people heard they might feel funny about buyin' tickets.... When I talk to Madam Blavatska about that she gives me a look. Says I should be proud to be Zombie, 'cause flesh-eaters help get rid of a lot of crap. ... I go - Ewww, you're a racist..... But she says she ain't against no big group, just shitty people in general. Says she's particular. Says sometimes the world needs a good haircut and we're just the hairdressers..... OK, I can see that. Just don't wanna give it no mullet.
Saved that old zombie book, though. Wanna see what Zombie Kings is like...
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Opal entered the house. Basement windows are easy. Kick right in. They had some kind of metal security bar, but I don't think the manufacturer considered zombies when he designed it, because Opal smashed that too. Squeezed through and slid down onto an old sofa. Place was like a little Smithsonian for discarded suburban paraphernalia ... a thirty year old Mac, basically a toy by today's standards... stuffed 'Alf' thing... chorus line of mangled, sometimes headless Barbies. Guess they got fashion doll zombies too. Creatures like Opal can see in the dark. Not magic. Just a keen ability to detect photons. We told you. Vampires got the magic, not 'fleisch essern.'
She got down on all fours. Quieter that way. Divides the weight. And scurried up the steps. Any creepy-crawlies sneaking about got out of her way real fast. First floor was typical. Pergo in the family room. Ceramic in the kitchen. Not granite. Just Corian. But it was alright. Better than what Opal's family had before she ate them. Well, she didn't eat all of them. Topaz got away. Tall clock ticked in the living room. Opal wondered what the husband did.
She went upstairs.....
Carpeting needed cleaning. Almost made her sneeze. A few of the treads squeaked real bad. Somebody snorted. Opal froze. Then the bed squeaked too. Night noises are mostly pops and squeaks and creaks. Houses live too, you know. We just crawl around inside their guts. Seven heartbeats later the somebody who snorted mumbled - Shit, gotta go pee..... It was her. It was that teacher. Opal pressed her body down onto the steps. She couldn't really see into the master bedroom from that angle, but she heard the woman get up, enter a room (guess in was the master bath, or the en suite, or whatever they call it now.) go in and close the door. Hubby kept snoring away. Our ninth grade zombie silently scrambled into the room and slid under the bed. Then she just waited amid old slippers, dog toys and whatever other crap was under there. The dog was dead, but luckily they didn't leave it under the bed. Him they had cremated. After a few minutes the woman came back. Had a rule in this house... No pee-pee flushing during the night. But she did wash her hands. Few greasy, little farts. Gonna be dead soon, but she don't know that.
Opal waits til the snoring starts. Then she slides out, carefully climbs up onto the bed, straddles the victim, pins her arms and immediately goes to work. The wicked teacher starts screaming with the excision of the first dollop of flesh..... Ed! Ed! Ed! - she goes. Get the gun! Get the gun! G-g-get the gun! ....... Ed goes - Whatsa matter!? Whatsa matter!?...... Zombie! Zombie! Zombie....... Flesh is flying. Blood splatters everywhere. Sheets like a slaughter house in hell. But Ed can't find that gun. Keeps shaking and going - Oh my god! Oh my God..... Opal keeps grindin' away like the Tasmanian Devil.... Just like a strong, little ninth grade zombie buzz saw. Teacher done talking. Mostly trembles and gurgles now. Ed watches, slack jawed and helpless.... Lungs go. Heart goes. And with the last spark of tortured life the wicked teacher has, Opal leans over and whispers in her ear~ Don't you wish you let me get my drink?.... Then it's over....
Ed says - Is she gone?..... Opal goes - Yep..... Ed asks - You gonna kill me? Opal spits out an eyeball, that bounces off his stomach and goes - What do you think?.... With that he darts 'round the bed, grabs something off the dresser, runs into the bathroom and slams the door. Locks it too. Must of grabbed a cell phone, 'cause she hears him making a call.... to the cops. And they don't cotton much to zombie free for alls in these parts. So she crashes through the door, grabs his head and like a cartoon beaver grinds through a tree, shears that ugly sucker right off and drops it in the urine filled, unflushed toilet.
Eleven heartbeats later she's out on the dark, dark street. Soon after her ride glides by, she jumps in and they're off.
Madam Blavatska will be very pleased, indeed.
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First of all, subscribe to lampyman101 on You Tube. But if you're waiting for THE GREEN INFERNO Eli Roth's film on September 5th 2014 (which does look exquisitely horrific) have a taste of this morsel representative of the birth of the genre via 1970's and 1980's Italian exploitation movies which were, in a very real sense, the founders of the feast.
Enjoy.
Our own little zombiella returns tomorrow.
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Madam Blavatska arranged things. Opal set out on a dark June night. Lady Clemmentina, a beautiful, experienced English flesh-eater drove. They took out one of the black Porsches . Cops know 'em and won't interfere. Dressed the part to, just like Emma Peal. You know... the one from The Avengers.
On the way they talked. Zombies like to talk. Not like in the movies, believe me. Who'd make a good flesh eater?... A favorite. Clemmentina said - I vote for Nicole Kidman. She has a lean and hungry look. .... Opal thought Harry Styles, but she's just in ninth grade, you know... Or she was before all this happened.... They downed five-hour-energy-drinks too. Zombies don't worry about caffeine. Then they got the giggles.
Everything was set. The teacher with the sharp nails would meet a girl with even sharper teeth. Various intelligence functionaries got the address. That was easy. A smart twelve year old tech geek with a regular PC could probably do the same. Maybe the functionary was a twelve year old tech geek? Who knows?
Two homeless drunks argued 'neath an old, classical loggia. The British flesh eater saw them. She hated imperfection and said - If they stopped trying to control us... if they just let us run free, this planet would be a much better place. Think about it. We'd proliferate reaching truer levels and we'd finish them... Not all, just the garbage. Oh, they'd fight us. We'd kill some. They'd kill some. But we're well equipped too. Maybe on a per-capita level even better than they are...... What does per-capita mean? - asked Opal...... But the light changed. They moved on and Clemmentina thought about other things.
After a time they left the urban area proper, entering suburban hinterlands. Some were technically within the city limits, but the atmosphere was different. Detached houses of all stripes, fronted by modest lawns, lined winding roads. Here and there small 'water features' gurgled softly in the night. A raccoon couple browsed for tidbits, as a silent tabby trailed a fretting mouse. Clemmentine turned off the lights, coasted to a stop and said - That's it. The little 'colonial.' God, you Americans are architecturally dense. The burglar alarm is disarmed by the way. We have people. Don't ask. A dollar a day only buys so much. Enter through the rear basement window. No dogs. No cats. Two humans... your nemesis teacher-woman and her husband, both asleep, or in bed anyway, upstairs in the big front room. Left hand side facing us. That's it, up there. Now go. ...... Opal moved. The seductive Brit, zombie added - Wait a moment. Don't get caught. If you do we'll abandon you. Oh, they won't kill you. You'll be turned over to one of their scientific installations and live like a monkey in a cage. So, you know, don't get caught.....Opal went - Yo, English lady..... Clemmentine whispered - Yes?.... The formerly ninth grade flesh-eater added - You sure talk a lot..... And quietly left the car. The talkative English lady drove 'round the corner and waited.... A black clad woman in a pitch black car. The night welcomed them both.
Opal used what she learned from Madam Blavatska and the others, plus copious reruns of Charlie's Angels and Dora the Explorer to accomplish her mission.
The teacher with the sharp nails was going to die. Hopefully, her husband wouldn't be too traumatized.
Who knows? Maybe he wants her to die too?
Things are so simple for a ninth grade zombie with a grudge...
(more tomorrow... )
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So she stayed in the penthouse with Madam Blavatska and learned many things. Opal could yodel like Heidi, clog dance like an Appalachian Squaw-Woman and recite Shakespeare like a puny, little, flesh eating Helen Mirren . The zombie lifestyle apparently takes one many places and she was to be a queen. They even gave her a smattering of Chess Theory based on the 'Take No Prisoners' approach of Arpad Issikopf, the great, nineteenth century Hungarian master. He's a zombie too, but the human branch of the family never came to grips with that, so officially, he died in The Great War. But they take the fat checks he sends every Christmas. And to digress a bit, Issikopf is a noted zombie explorer, always on quest for bones, or artifacts that might shed light on the early days of the breed. Oh, if you've been with us a while you've heard the Creation Myths (actually more than myths) about the microbe contaminated quicksand and all that. But he wants to see how they lived and who they ate. He, himself, tried to devour a live, suckling pig. They say human meat is basically the same as young, tender pork. The Mad Hungarian wanted to test that out. While he was able to keep it down, the porcine flesh did little to reverse his insidious decomposition, so he assumed there must be a necessary chemical, or cellular component found only in human meat. To this day that elusive compound had not been identified, though all flesh eaters acknowledge its existence.
One late afternoon they were out on the terrace observing the humans far down below. Madam Blavatska said - Life eats life. They are the same as we. Every morsel humans eat is primarily organic material. That means it once was alive. Rocks sustain nothing. We are, in a sense, humans with a more refined appetite. Never feel shame. It is how we are. Lions do not eat apples. Opal didn't answer. She just watched the people and thought about the different textures and flavors each possessed. As the light waned and the streets grew darker, she thought about something else.
There once was a teacher, a hard woman with red, lacquered nails like talons. She was tall. Not young, but schooled in the ways of obfuscation. A few thought her attractive. Others disagreed. On hot June days recess was longer. Classrooms were stifling. Painted cinder-block walls radiated a thick, damp, clammy warmth. Even with the bees, outside was better.
The hard woman guarded the drinking fountains, three, lazy, gurgling spouts in a long, sink-like trough. Each 'little piggy' got three quick gulps, then a sharp poke from a lacquered nail and banishment out to the sizzling, concrete schoolyard. Resistance was futile. Those foolish enough to try got 'pink slipped.' And pink slips stayed in your record..
Eight year old Opal hated that woman. She had allergies. Her throat got so dry. Her lips grew white and papery. She'd get in line and wait. But every time, just before she drank, the hard woman kicked her out of line.... Not you! - she barked. You were here twice already!....... Opal knew the innjustice. She felt it keenly. Other children did too, but they were helpless. Opal quietly stood in the shade, leaning against an ever so slightly less fiery portion of the red brick wall. She breathed slowly. She numbly endured, dreaming of innocent, third grade revenge. Perhaps this was the time?
Opal asked her mentor if she might venture out that night. The 'Madam' sensing her purpose (telepathy being one of her talents) consented, arranging for a car and chaperon.
A bit later under cover of true darkness, Opal went out to have her revenge.... and just thinking about it felt good.....
(more next time)
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They sat on the terrace...not a balcony... a terrace. Balconies are rather flimsy, modern affairs with weak, aluminum rails and barriers. Terraces are made from bricks and slate and stone. Eva Gabor had one on GREEN ACRES... before they left New York, I mean. Madam Blavatska had one too. That was her name, Blavatska and she was a zombie too. But a highly assimilated one able to share conventional meals with human acquaintances, even if her lunch tended to be watery bisque or runny poached eggs. She was disciplined. She could do that.
Opal wore a dark, smock-like dress. Wednesday Addams had one just like it... dark leotards... white collar... white cuffs. The buttons were finest rib bone... human rib bone. Only the best. She and her stately instructor occupied an outdoor settee... traditional... white painted steel.... hand stitched canvas cushions trimmed with white piping. The 'Madam' sipped tea... Russian chai, to be precise. Opal had diet soda. Zombies drink a lot of that.
They gazed out over the city beneath a soft, white, silvery sky. The air was damp... almost misty. And the distant traffic, down below was almost quiet..... Madam said - How was your feeding?....... Fine - said Opal. Hortense and Blanche took me down...... And? - asked the stately one.... I did as you said. I had one of the children..... And Opal almost cried..... They drug them, you know. Most laugh like maniacs through the whole thing - said Blavatska. What kind did you have?.... A little Laotian girl. Three and a half years old I think she was - whispered Opal. She told me. Said she liked my hair...... They sat in silence til the Madam said - Some of them talk a lot. East Asians impart a certain willowy strength and grace. You can taste it in the blood. Even when they're born here and raised on whatever it is the North Americans eat, they still taste the same way...... Then she straightened up and said - Show me your wrist..... Opal did. The older woman pushed up her sleeve and examined the skin.... Good, good - she said. Firm and supple. Now the eyes..... She lifted Opal's chin and carefully took ocular inventory, obviously impressed by the clarity and focus. .... Then she questioned her in German, both Hoch Deutsch and Platt Deutsch. Opal passed that test too. The lessons were going well. Soon they'd assign her to a team. Although she couldn't breed yet, not officially anyway, she could still kill.
A troublesome, anti-fracking politician would be first. Not him. His wife. But he'd get the message. Needs a more photogenic one if he wants to be senator anyway. Serves her right. Good for her. At least she'll be on the news.
They discussed upcoming lessons, diction, elocution and all that. Then Opal went in to catatonically stare at the fish. They had a really big tank. Zombies like to stare at fish.
After she left the one hundred and sixty seven year old Russian, zombie emigre reached into a planter, pulled out a bottle of vodka and took a long, stiff drink.
Then a bird crapped on her head... She sighed and drank some more...
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