Saturday, June 7, 2014


This is Opal and I don't even know what day it is. Madam Blavatska don't let me watch TV or nothing. Gives me all these books to read. Zombie stuff. I don't think you can buy 'em in Target or whatever other place they sell books in. Flesh-Eaters get 'em off the internet. Sometimes rich zombies buy a whole mess of them and give 'em out to poor zombies that don't have no internet, or else f#ckin' asshole zombies that don't know how to use it. I'm starting to think we got a lot a those. 

This place is big. The Penthouse, I mean. Got like three floors. Secret zombie crap gets kept downstairs. They don't call it 'secret zombie crap.' I forget the real words. Think it's in French, or some kind a German, or something. They let me go pokin' 'round by myself up here, 'cause all the good crap is somewhere else. But I found this little room. Real cozy... like an old fashioned library. I know, because I seen one once on Channel 12. That's PBS. Sherlock Holmes was in it. He's like a cop and a druggie and a gay guy and an English guy. Might be a warlock too, 'cause I think all English people can do a little magic. My grandmother was English and she blew smoke rings real good, but that might not be real magic if you're gonna get picky about it. 

They had this book in that room... a real old book. Said it was printed in 1865. All the pictures were plain, little drawings. Not stick people. The guy who drew 'em would a got like an 'A' in art. 'A's' in art is what they give weird kids to stop 'em from pickin' at their faces til they bleed all the time. But some teachers just let 'em bleed. 

Book said Queen Zombies give birth to 'young ones' in a larval stage. Had a picture of a lady who looked like a naked Statue of Liberty with big maggots plopping out a her pee-pee. Said that way births happen on a fortnightly basis.  Didn't say what 'fortnightly' meant. I gotta look that up, 'cause that part scares me a little. What if I'm on a bus and a maggot comes out? That could be embarrassing.... 'No, I don't want it. That's not mine. You can have it. Look, your little girl's already playin' with it.' .... Ever see what an 'after birth' looks like? But that (being a zombie) I could eat.

Do I feel bad 'bout eatin' my old teacher? Shut up. I don't know. Don't ask me. Feel a little bad 'bout eating her husband, though.

Before all this zombie-ness I used to want to be on the Broadway Stage. Probably be hard now, 'cause like on 'hungry' nights I'd be jumpin' out into the seats and eatin' people. And most producers would probably not like it, 'cause if people heard they might feel funny about buyin' tickets.... When I talk to Madam Blavatska about that she gives me a look. Says I should be proud to be Zombie, 'cause flesh-eaters help get rid of a lot of crap. ... I go - Ewww, you're a racist..... But she says she ain't against no big group, just shitty people in general. Says she's particular. Says sometimes the world needs a good haircut and we're just the hairdressers..... OK, I can see that. Just don't wanna give it no mullet. 

Saved that old zombie book, though. Wanna see what Zombie Kings is like...


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thank you. please comment. now I'm gonna have some iced tea.


John L. Harmon said...

Zombie birth sounds like a sqishy, smelly mess...not so different than human birth.

Billy Kravitz said...

Much thanks, Sir John for your apt comment. Zombies are a troublesome breed...even the non-decomposing variety.