Thursday, April 11, 2013

WHAT THE 28,000 yr old VAMPIRE KNOWN AS 'PAPA' THINKS .... 4/12/13

He sits in the chair. He does nothing. He says nothing. Annie sticks her tongue out at him. Edith says - That's not nice..... and stuffs another Tasty Kake (Philadelphia area snack cake) into her pie hole. Guess it's a cake hole too. Sometimes he disappears. I don't know if it happens suddenly, or over time, like an evaporation.  Edith gives him a fresh aroma candle every night. Always a green apple. He likes green apples. 

He stares at the flat screen. Always the same thing. Edith likes The House and Garden station, so that's what they watch. He does blink occasionally. The vampire known as 'Papa' does do that. A few weeks back it looked like he was coming out of it. He pointed at a late night rerun of Hoda and Kathie Lee and made like a fart noise with his mouth. Annie jumped around and clapped her hands. She's a fresh, little thing... a little vampire bastid, if ever there was one. 

I don't know when he changes his clothes, but they're different every day. Mostly flat-front chinos and jeans.... t-shirts and v-neck sweaters. Sarah buys 'em at the GAP. Sometimes at Lord & Taylor's, but only when they're having a sale. You know, vampires maintain most of their mortal habits. That stuff don't go away. Like Jonathon, before he went on his latest religious quest, had a fit if Edith used anything other than TIDE. And don't ask me where that came from. In his day they used ashes and urine. Made a paste out of it. Maybe TIDE had a NEW ASHES AND URINE! formula back then? Who knows?

This ain't one of the disembodied spirits. It's me, wilkravitz. I'm the one who blogs for them. I suppose, by now you know my actual name is Billy Kravitz. And I'm bummed out 'cause @TheRealRoseanne blocked me today. I thought we were having fun. And she's Hawaiian and all now too. I like Hawaiians. Least she didn't throw me in no volcano.

Papa's dreaming now. I can tell. I know it. First his knee twitches. Then he stops. Then he sniffs, closes his eyes and makes like a humming noise. I can see into his head then. Maybe it's him broadcasting it and we just pick it up. I don't know, because Edith sees it too. Says it reminds her of that movie, 10,000 B.C.. I think it's like QUEST FOR FIRE, except they're a lot more advanced. 

Now he looks like a thirty two or thirty three year old Richard Gere guy. But back then, back in his day, he looked like a younger Wrath of Khan, 'cept dressed in buckskin, hippie clothes.... homemade Uggs and everything. Long hair too. Belonged to The Brotherhood of The Panthers... That means 'cats.' All the vampires were in it. You know, saber teeth? Fangs? They met four times a year, each solstice, each equinox. It was like a shaman thing. Vampires were shamans back then. But I think all they did was get drunk. Pumped some big fat mortal full of fermented apple juice.... Like a hard cider, or something. Then they prayed over him... ran their hands over him... and bit him up. Guess that was a REAL Bloody Mary. That's what he's thinking about now. I know. Because I'm seeing it. COMMERCIAL BREAK----- I gotta say, Vince Vaughn seems like he must be one of the nicest people on Earth. Watching him on @JimmyFallon. Bet he'd never block me. COMMENT if you think he's a nice guy too. Gotta go see his BIG SUMMER MOVIE----- THE INTERNSHIP when it opens JUNE 7th. Owen Wilson's the other one (in the movie, I mean), but he wasn't on Jimmy.....And now back to our show... Primeval vampires must a been so cool.... not like them weird, dumb, shit things we got today. Every psycho turns into a vampire. What kind a crap is that? Like Leo's out there running around like a jerk and all. Calls himself 'Panther Man.' But not like Papa's panther club. He thinks his name 'Leo,' means lion, so it's like a 'riff' on that.  Jonathon wants to save them, he wants to eat 'em. Eh, live and let live.... That's what I say. Just don't let 'em learn about computers and all, 'cause when they do... I am getting out a here. Edith says they ain't never gonna kill us...ONE, 'cause Jonathon's too religious and TWO, 'cause who else they gonna get to work for sneakers and cheap Chinese style buffets? I do OK though. That 'familiar' guy who comes around from the bank to drop off all the money usually slips me something.... Edith too..... Jonathon knows. He don't care. 'Just don't spend it in no casino'.... That's what he says. See, Baylah (the vampire Beyonce look-alike) don't mind if you spend it in a casino. She loves Atlantic City. guess she gonna start spending time with her rich, mortal boyfriend at the shore soon. Sometimes she gives money and blood droplets to poor, homeless guys under the Boardwalk.

Annie wants me to take her for a SLURPEE. 7-ELEVEN  24/7 'round here.... Don't know why they stick with that old name.  Vampires don't have too much trouble with liquids. Some of them eat solid food too, if they like the way it tastes, or if they're trying to fool somebody, only they throw it up soon after.... I don't want a take her. That's usually Sarah's job, but she's off with her ' huzzbin' Jonathon now. So I gotta do it. Last time we let her run off by herself, she come back with two severed heads and a box a matzoh

Edith says she is also gettin' stuff from her people in The Pine Barrens. But not telepathically. On her cell phone. They gettin' all jazzified over there too. Jonathon ain't the only one.

'Matilda.... Matilda....' That's what they say. Like she comin' 'round the mountain, or something.

Who knows? Maybe she is.....

Lemme go get Little Bastid Annie her SLURPEE....

Then she wants a come back and play CLIFFORD THE BIG RED DOG.... Oh, God! Guess who I'm gonna be....

(help me... please, help me)

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