Tuesday, March 25, 2014


It got dark. We got up. The grotesque witch creature wasn't in our bed, so we went into the shower (it's big enough for two) and stood under the hot, pounding spray for fifteen minutes. Vampires don't get grungy like you do. But still, after hours of lying in bed with Pig Blood Annie it's like a reflex action. Also, Sarah wanted to try some new shower gel. You know how we are with aromas and all. I knew she was still in the house. The witch, I mean.  I could feel her putrid presence all over the place. We finished up, got dressed (usual stuff, black leather bootkins, black jeans, white shirt for me. turtleneck, bluejeans, different boots and a brassiere for her) and went down. 

They were in the kitchen. Little Joe, Pig Blood's runty husband was there too, but she didn't care much..... Sugar babe, I was out lookin' for the kid. I shimmied in all over the place. My shins all scrapped. My ass got bit up. And don't ask me how the hell that happened - he babbled... Pig Blood shut him up real fast. Leveled her gaze and said - You got her? You know where she is?.... Runty, bony husband goes - No, sugar babe, but... She goes - Shut yer pie hole and drop dead, you little monkey... He do that real fast, the shuttin' up part. Figures the drop dead part only hyperbole. At least he hope it is.

Witch wife all fixed up. Did a 'hoo-doo' on her whole body. Look like that pretty Laura Linney again. Got nice hair and everything. Edith (the not as powerful of a witch housekeeper) and Little Joe, her lucky he ain't no dead monkey husband, try not to notice her one defect. Got a scrunched up, squinty-eyed, parasitic twin head peekin' out a her belly right below the diaphragm. Look like Gilbert Gottfreid with the mange.  Sour, little mouth. Fat red tongue pokin' all around. She put piece a Wassa crisp bread wit' peanut butter in her mouth. Head go - Me! Me! Me!... So then head get a piece. But it a sloppy eater. She get sharp, little multi-grain bits all over her crotch..... Edith go - Why you not witch youself some panties an' a dress maybe?.... 'Cause she more sanitary and belly head sneezin' on her nice, clean, granite island..... Pig Blood Annie go - You want my belly-head a suffocate you son-a-bitch!?... Little Joe jus' pick hisself up, go in family room an' set down. Got a stack a ARCHITECTURAL DIGEST magazines in there an' he discover a sudden likin'  for decoupage, even if he can't read all them words.

Pig Blood go - Where that Jew vampire son-a-bitch!?... Tomas goes - He's right here.... 'Cause at that point, he was. Sarah was too. Edith gives each a hot mug a plain tea an' they set down..... Belly head go -  Gimme a Pepsi-Cola! Yo, waitress! A Pepsi-Cola!... Pig Blood shoot her a look an' Edith don't want no trouble so she get him a can out the refrigerator. She say - Diet OK?... Belly head go - I look fat to you!?...... But he drink it through a straw (Edith hold the can) jus' the same.

Pig Blood go - You gone help me get my grandbaby?... Tomas see she really all broken up about it an' he go - Yes, you pagan bitch.... 'Cause he give as good as he get..... 'Born' witch go - Fair enough.... Then she brush them sharp, little bits a Wassa crisp bread off her crotch onto the floor. Edith don't say nothin'. Figure she clean it up when they gone..... 'Born' witch say - You gotta excuse this little head I got on my belly. But he come out when I nervous an' all. And please excuse what I do to both a you in that little sleepin' space before (voice drops) but it jus' I want  that baby back.

Edith go - Aw, dear, you want me to find you somethin' a wear?....... Pig Blood go - No, that's alright. I can 'fix' somethin'..... And seven heartbeats later she wearin' a light blue, pant suit like what nurse's aide got at old folks' home and a 'black diamond, thick pelt' full length mink coat.... Everybody still hear little head mumblin' under all them clothes, but 'least they don't gotta see him. Two heartbeat later Tomas an' Sarah got mink coats too. His a man mink coat. Got gloves an' scarves. Got everything. Vampirina and vampirino say 'thank you.'.... It not their style, but they polite. Little Joe don't get no coat. He jus' get clean underwear, 'cause he stayin' home. But he jus' keep readin' the magazine...

Tomas say they gone start over Laurel Hill Cemetery. An' evil elferino, Peter, what got baby 'Boopsie' not there. But he know they comin' an' he want somethin' too. 

This the old, Francophone, New Orleans, creole gentleman Mister Never You Mind. I back as disembodied spirit narrator again. That because I like that job... But you know that.


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