Friday, June 15, 2012

BAYLAH, a vampire, KNOWS ALL ABOUT ABRAHAM LINCOLN

Sometimes she start talkin' real fast. And her voice change. She lose that Philadelphia accent and fall back to what she had in Old Mali..... very clipped, real precise. You know how that model, the one who like a hit girl in head wit' telephone sound? .....No, not her. Mister Never-You-Mind is a bit confused. I mean the one what married to Ziggy Stardust. Imam, I think they call her. She talk that way.....Africa talk, nice talk, if you know what the word mean. She still make English words, but she say 'em Old Mali style. That how I know she excited. 


Abraham Lincoln don't kill no vampire. He not even  KNOW vampire til they get him in the White House. That when his wife (she very fat woman...don't you think?) start eatin' ice cream and doin' voo-doo and hula-hula dances. Missionaries bring 'em back from Lahaina, or whatever they call that town they got on the Big Island. Mrs. Wife-of-Lincoln wanna talk to little boy. He dead. He STILL dead, but back then he just gettin' used to it. So she make 'spooky' party...lot a spooky party, in a WHITE HOUSE. Send soldier to bring back talk-to-dead lady. (lady not dead. she just know how to talk to 'em.) So they all hold hands and go 'wooo-wooo-wooo,' like they moanin', or gettin' tickled the wrong way. President lock a door. He not want president-helpers to think he crazy.


Little dead boy (he president's son) don't come back. Talk-to-dead lady say he must be busy. Mrs. Wife-of-Lincoln find this extremely hard to believe, 'cause he always very, very lazy boy. So she say - Hey, what are you, a crook?.............Talk-to-Dead lady say - I no crook! You jus' wanna make trouble....... President Lincoln jus' sit there. He doan say nuthin', 'cause them what do for him already think he got bubbles in the think-tank.


White House maid bring in cool drink. Prob'ly Kool-Aid. Not 'cause she so worried people thirsty and all. She jus' wanna see what goin' on. President say - We got any pineapple? She say - No, jus' cherry...... He drink it anyway. He drink a lot a beer too. Once he peed on a floor a the Lincoln Bedroom. But room not so famous then, so it mostly OK.


Never actually meet vampire that first time. Saw one walk past open door, but never talk to him. 


Next time he do talk to him. That the beginning....... You gotta keep an open mind.


Still got vampire runnin' 'round that White House. Still doin' it today. 


You gotta keep an open mind. Come-sea. Come sah...


Man, how 'bout that God damn asteroid almost hit us and all?....... What the president goan do bout that?????


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