Thursday, July 26, 2012

MARTHA STEWART says - A fresh carafe of distilled, Vietnamese, Pot-Bellied Pig's Blood makes a wonderful gift for that special, vampire someone...

The 'vampires' on TRUE BLOOD make Tomas livid. He says they're  gross, hurtful caricatures meant to marginalize life-eaters rob them of all spiritual dignity. 


Of course he NEVER watches the show, but certain people attached to the Anti-Enchantment-Bureau do. It's a big thing. They eat Cheetos, or make popcorn and drink Kool-Aid (the VERY CHERRY kind). And actually, they don't even pay any attention to all the comic book vampire crap. They just watch it for all the cool, hot, naked people. Each week somebody else keeps score. They take turns counting all the nips, or boobs, or tushies, or doggy-parts, or kitty-parts flashing across the screen. 


I think the 'center line' of the story involves people who willingly become vampires so they can live for centuries and have a whole lot a extra time for sex...... you know... like Hugh Hefner.


And the fangs look more like juvenile elephant tusks than the real thing.

The only part Tomas does like is the clothes, 'cause he has a thing for snug fitting black leather jackets too.


You see, all this shit with Grigori Usipov is makin' him go 'holy roller' again. Tomas, I mean. He found an old recording of Jan Pierce singing Kol Nidre (the Jewish liturgy of Divine Forgiveness and Absolution) and he plays it over and over and over. Doctor Franklin had it in The Archives, which is kind of like a slightly abridged version of The Akoshic Records. Edgar Caycee's toupee is in there. He's got Nostradamus' cod-piece and a polly seed once held between the teeth of Saint Francis Xavier. You know, like when he was feeding the birds?


Sarah's gotten into the group that works with the Great Armonica. Last night they reproduced a frequency (like chords) that conjured up flickering, ghost-like, holographic images of Janis Joplin eatin' a bowl a spaghetti. Boy, was she a slob. And they saw Liz Taylor, in a dirty nightgown, laughin' in the background. Sometimes they get a double exposure like that. It can't be helped. Annie wants 'em to bring back the girl from THE BAD SEED. You know, Patty McCormick? She kind a patterns herself after her, so that's understandable. 


Tomas wants Papa to sublimate that Russian guy someplace real bad, like the surface of the sun (a specialty of his), or maybe an isolated, frigid asteroid drifting someplace in Jeh-pip's ville. But Papa doesn't answer. He just sits there. Human problems bore him. And most other vampires are so young next to him, they seem human too. All he likes 'em for is sex. The humans, I mean..... the female ones.


Doctor Franklin gets coded messages from some guy in Washington. There is a plan to take down the Russian. They know he's in The Hamptons. But there's so much security built into the compounds out there, it's hard to get to him. Martha Stewart lives next door. She knows he's a vampire. I don't know how she knows, but she knows. Last night she sent over a carafe of specially distilled, Vietnamese, Pot-Bellied Pig's blood. The Russian guy... the vampire-oligarch, responded via an appreciative email, but he won't drink it..... only likes human.... and THAT he gets from the 'Natashas'.......


Tomas wants to use the Great Armonica (it's big... takes up a whole room) to contact the Chevalier Jean-Michel, his friend from that alternate universe, but Doctor Franklin wants to use it to watch future Eagles' games. You know Jeffery Lurie does send him those sweat suits and all.


That's all. I'm tired (even disembodied spirits suffer debilitating bouts on ennui)..... This is Zebulon signing off.....


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