THE VAMPIRES HAVE A PLAN TO SAVE THE ROSEANNE SHOW ... 6/1/18

It's been a long quiet spring here at the townhouse. Everybody just minds their own business and keeps to themself. Edith runs back and forth to The Jersey Pines. Seems they got two or three new little Jersey Devil foals and you know how she dotes on children. Sarah loses herself in the bookshop. They redecorated PHILADELPHIA AFTER DARK. Still looks all snug and old timey with them wing chairs and pin-up lamps scattered 'round for reading.... the narrow aisles... the collection of tick-tock clocks and 'small game' taxidermy specimens posed on little shelves behind the old (and discreetly, newly refinished) seventeenth century work table-counter. Folks take pictures of the mullioned windows and the dark green wood trimmed facade with the gold lettering all the time. Say it looks real Harry Potterish. Damn, lot a little streets in Society Hill look that way and always have.... brick sidewalks.... scaled down trees. Ghosts love the place. It is a regular ghost resort. They don't have to blind themselves to the future, 'cause it ain't there, 'cept for the cars and narrow streets don't see many a them. Folks walkin' through got that 'modern' look. Guess you can't have everything, 'specially being basically dead and all... But are ghosts really dead? They run around without no fleshy bodies 'cause them fleshy bodies wears out. Yet they still the same as they always was. And a old place, like Philadelphia, got whole bunch a ghosts. Folks who say - nah, we ain't got no ghosts... ain't got no idea. Not every ghost is a show-off. Most just were not brought up that way....

I forget I'm a ghost. I recognise folks know me as Mister Never You Mind, an old Creole gentleman from the French Quarter. But I forget about the 'dying' in a vat of acid, or burnt up tied to a chair and doused with gasoline, 'cause that recollection is just a who mess a unnecessary pain. so I simply let it go.

Jonathon, the main vamperino in this tale (well, at least he thinks he is) still do his nightly rounds, walkin' all over the place. Vampires think like big jungle cats and Center City is his territory. Oh, he fine with another vamperino or two, just so they know he 'alpha.'

Doctor Franklin gettin' active again. They up to somethin' at his scientific installation under the Navy Yard. He not a vampire. He just a scientifically preserved, three hundred and twelve year old, self centered founding father. I don't mess with him much. He got this device that detects us spirit folk and I like to be discrete, bein' a true Southern gentleman and all...

Jonathon got an idea for that Roseanne fiasco. He says they should get Bette Midler ('cause she can be loud and brassy too, you know) to play long lost Aunt Toots.... name's really Aunt Betty, but she always been called Toots... She got some money too... Used to front for a Bette Midler tribute group.... One dark and stormy night when the rest a the Conners is sittin' around talkin' 'bout how could Roseanne be so dumb to let herself get snatched by 'the Gypsies?' (that is somethin' the real Roseanne might say) the front door at 714 Delaware Street SLAMS open and a drenched Aunt Toots (really Bette Midler) holding two stuffed trash bags yells - Well?! Which a you fat asses is gonna help me with my luggage?!.... Thus the show goes on.....

Jonathon wants to get one of his 'familiars' (mortal helpers) with Hollywood connections to call somebody...

Vampires are always thinkin' stuff up.
Night-folk are actually very creative....

<more next time>


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VAMPIRES AND FREE LEMON WATER ICE ON THE BEACH AT TEL AVIV

This is what they decided to do, the vampires of Jerusalem, I mean. Jonathon was chosen to create a web site. It's not that he is so particularly computer savy, but it was his idea and seeing as vampires are inherently lazy...well, you can figure out the rest. So he got this kid they met at the hotel to help out. I don't know where he was from, maybe Minnesota or Canada or someplace like that. The kid had this smart phone and he played it like Stevie Wonder played the harmonica. So in about seven or eight minutes, they had this web site all about 'The Pax Semitica' and  it showed a map of the Holy Land divided into two nations...the Land of Israel and the Land of Ishmael.......Two 'Brother Kingdoms,' inhabited by Israelis and Ishmaelis.....Isaac and Ishmael reconciled at last.

Then they got a hold of that song the resurrected John Lennon was writing. They recorded him singing it, nothing fancy, just sitting at a table outside some Sbarro's in a mall in West Jerusalem. The kid from Minnesota or Canada helped them post it on You Tube. Right away, it got a lot a hits. And after some guy on the 'E' Network got a facial recognition expert to transpose images of the not-yet-dead John Lennon and the guy at the Sbarro's (a match), it got even more hits. A day later, some music promoters in Dubai talked Yusef Islam (the Artist Formerly Known As Cat Stevens...and a respected Muslim in his own right) to post his own lovey-dovey, touchy, feely response  on You Tube as well. They played them in tandem...like when Natalie Cole sang 'Unforgettable' with her deceased father, Nat King Cole. It went viral. Ellen Degeneres played it on her show. Some kid she had signed on her Eleven-Eleven recording label did a 'cover'.........Over four million downloads in six days. But Ellen being Ellen and partially saint-like in her own right, donated the profits to a series of ecumenical 'peace charities' in what was starting to be called 'The See of Abraham' .....Neil Diamond did a free, outdoor concert on the beach at Tel Aviv, everybody got free lemon water ice and they bounced a lazer beam off the moon. Bette Midler started talking in tongues and Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher levitated over the heads of sixteen would-be mystics at a spur-of-the-moment Malibu Kabbalah service.

Yoko Ono flew over to Jerusalem to reclaim her resurrected husband, but she didn't levitate. She used a plane.........................................