A CASTLE ON A HILL

The directors of the museum were adamant. The vampires (and their hangers-on) would have to vacate their quarters in the basement and find shelters elsewhere. One suffered a minor stroke over the whole affair and lost most of the sight in his left eye. The other developed a nervous stutter causing him to lose his upper plate during an after dinner speech which in his circlles constituted a serious faux pas. So the undead were un-housed. Temporary diigs were haistily arranged at a local hotel. The Ritz Carlton, I think it was. Familiars took care of everything. All our crew had to do was show up. And show they did. Each sported a finely cut, well made get-up. Not because of the occasion, but because it just came natural to them. The vampire nature and all that. Papa, no, excuse me, 'Jimmy' was obviously the leader, so he dealt out the rooms. One for Jonathon and Sarah. One for he and Luna. Another for Baylah. Her mortal financier beau was a frequent visitor. The human contingent, wilkravitz, Edith and all the rest, were given cash cards and brokered their own rooms. Jimmy said it was more natural that way. They shouldn't travel with such a large entourage. So they settled down and relaxed for a bit. A chamber group was sent for and they arrived, providing classical accompaniment for 'Jimmy's' meeting with the real estate woman. Jonathon sat in on it too. But there was no doubt that the steely-haired, Richard Gere - eldest Baldwin Brother combo was the founder of the  feast. I would guess Miss Housey-poo though Jonathon to be the pampered son, or favorite nephew. The ladies hovered in the background, like over-indulged Persian Gulf wives. Believe me. They knew they were just playing a part. But they did it to pacify Jimmy. And who was Annie in all this? She was the Jane Withers. Zebulon always thinks of her as that. Have you ever seen those old Shirley Temple movies, the ones where she had to confront a rather large, overbearing, loud-mouthed, little thing? Well that was Jane Withers. And Annie (though skinny and boney) fit the role to a 'T.' So the woman sets up her magic-talking-box (excuse me, her 'laptop') and proceeds to scroll down a selection of properties. We saw townhouse after townhouse. Beautiful they were. But Center City was too lively. True, Jonathon had resided in a small townhouse once. Although, that was tucked away on a tiny, dead-end street and perfect for a vampire-gentleman. Nothing even remotely similar was available now. So they settled on Chestnut Hill, a city neighborhood, but with a decidedly old-money, country mmansionette (NOT 'McMansion' there IS a VAST difference) feel. The lots  were spacious and private. The lanes were quite leafy. And the neighbors made their society with 'friends.' The nearness of shelter had nothing to do with it. In short, the perfect locale for a refined, though unusual 'family.' A married couple (Papa-Jimmy and Luna), their favorite nephew and his partner (Jonathon and Sarah) plus an assortment of valued retainers (Edith, wilkravitz and one or two others). Oh yes, Annie...She was passed off as Papa's daughter. And it all worked out. Baylah went back to operating her little, jewelbox, piano bar ( the one with the equally jewel-like apartment upstairs). So that gave them a pied-a-terre in Center City. Her familiar didn't appreciate giving up power. But he kept his mouth shut. He was only an emplyee after all. And the boss was possitively inhuman.....Ha Ha Ha.... Not really. She was not cruel. Zebulon makes a little joke...Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Workmen came in to make whatever changes were necessary in order to make the new house suitable for our life-eaters. You know, comfortable, dark rooms in the cellar and all that. Maybe a secret passage or two as well. Although a secret passage was there since Underground Railroad days. So that one was already in place. After about two weeks, you would have thought they'd been there for centuries. Not the passageways. The vampires, I mean. And that was it. A new family seat. A fit home for our steely-haired patron.......And 'Jimmy' truly enjoyed it....... Life, or the 'after-life' was good........

MUGGS ROLLIN' OUT. JIMMY ROLLIN' IN

Three hundred and fifty thousand dollars in damages. They said we were lucky. I don't know who the day crew thought we were. A few of them knew, but most had no idea. And a few bus loads of kids were due in later, so we were sweating. The monkey broke those special glass windows up where the diaramas were. He tried to get blood from the stuffed Cro Magnons and a family of low land gorillas. But when all he got was dust, that only made him more berserk. Then he went after two of the guards. You should have seen it. It was like one of them Three Stooges movies, running in and out of about a million doors. Slamming. Hollering. Pissing on the floor. Things breaking. All the vampires were home by then, so they're trying to corner him by the canoe exhibit in the Native American Gallery. Papa tries to 'throw' another one of his force bubbles around him, but the monkey's got a different sort of mind, or maybe he's just got a screw loose and it won't work. It just won't work. Jonathon tells the guards to shoot him, but only in the head, 'cause they figure even a vampire chimp must need a little time to regenerate. Well the first guy's hand starts shakin' so he winds up hittin' him in the ass. Monkey don't like no bullet up his ass, so you know HE becomes a target. And he runs screamin' just like a girl. Shriekin' and yelling. The monkey almost got him too. But Sarah grabbed the gun off the floor and squeezed off a few. Two of 'em hit that Mister Muggs square in the noggin'. Stopped him right in his tracks. He got this surprized look on his ugly face and he made a few sounds like a bird chirpin'. Then he keels over on his side, with his arms and legs twitchin' just like he was havin' a stroke. Which I guess, in a sense, he was. I mean some of them neurons had to get scrabbled up. But at least all the smashin' stopped. And none of the stuffed, fake, dead people in the diaramas were gettin' molested anymore. So, all in all, everybody was satisfied. Papa peels off a few more big checks for the museum directors. And Luna calls Doctor Franklin on her cell. She tells him she's got a vampire for him. One they can keep. One they can study. What she don't tell him is that it's a chimpanzee vampire. So the bureau speeds over in a special armored truck. They go to this garage in the back, where it's always dark and pull in. Muggs is sorta walkin' by then, so they throw a coat over his head and lead him into the back of the truck. Doctor Franklin had one of his 'criminal' sacrificial victims chained up in there too, incase the new vampire was hungry. You know the guys. The ones he gets from the prisons. No family. Nobody to ask questions. All nice and convenient. Well, they kick Muggs in and slam the door. Then the truck peals off and races back to the Bureau. From what we heard, when they got there and opened  the heavy door, the guy inside was nothing but a fleshy, bloody smear all over the interior walls. He didn't burn up in the blue flame, 'cause the monkey tore him apart first and THEN sucked the blood out of all the shredded pieces. I don't know how they handled that simian son-of-a-bitch. Who cares? But I know the vampires were glad to be done with him. Annie cried and kicked the walls and all. But Papa threatened to send her back to hang over the surface of the Sun, so she shut up. Then everybody just took a breath and settled down with one a their calming aroma candles. Smelled like an Istanbul whore house, but the vampires liked it. Jonathon shows Papa the paperback baby name book and asks him what he wants to be called. But the twentyeight thousand year old whatsis just laughs a little, grabs the book, opens it up to any page and looks. Then he says - Jimmy. That's it. I want them to call me Jimmy.....Baylah thinks that's hysterical. She says - Are you sure you don't want something a little fancier, like say Charlemagne, or 'Dook' or something?.......But he just shoots her a real dirty look, so she shuts up real fast. And that's it. He was Jimmy. All the familiars found out about it. They got him new checks and everything. When he went to meet with the real estate woman about gettin' us a new townhouse or something, he just shakes her hand and says - Hi, call me Jimmy.....So, now we got 'Jimmy'. Edith don't like it. She had something else in mind. Or maybe it was on somebody else's mind and she just picked it up. I don't know. Zebulon does not pay attention ALL the time. A dissembodied spirit can only do so much.....

IT'S ALL IN THE NAME

Jonathon and Sarah walked down the street. They appeared to be just another young couple. Maybe he was a few years younger than she was, but today who paid attention to such things. They held hands and looked in the windows of all the fine shops lining Rittenhouse Row, admiring all the new spring clothing. True, the late March evening still felt like winter. Yet that was all right. Vampires like the cold. Besides, the slim, dark denim pants and black, leather jackets suited them. One passerby even asked if they had a light for his cigarette. That's how close you can get. You'd never suspect a thing. Sometimes dogs gave them a second look. And cats almost always darted across the street when they came near. But mortal people never caught on. They were hunting. He had a vision, a dream, of an abusive landlord. You can color in the rest. High rents. Poor clientele. Strong arm tactics. Friends with all the right cops annd judges. Hey, well, OK, so I colored it in for you. They eye-balled the guy (Zebulon so likes to use police jargon) as he was leaving some brass and wood panelled chop house. He was workin' a toothpick tryin' to swallow the last shreads of his stuffed pork chops when they caught up with him. It didn't take much. Sarah said - Excuse me, sir, do you know if there's a cab stand around here?.......He looked up. He mumbled something. Probably a lie. Probably made up. He didn't want to help them. But that break in his stride was enough. Jonathon came up behind and put his hand up on the back of the guy's neck in a friendly manner, as if they knew each other. Yet the 'pinch' was a little bit too tight. Mister Landlord got the message. He knew he'd better cooperate. So they did what Philadelphia vampires usually do. They strong-armed him down a narrow service alley. Punched him square in the nose, just to tenderize him, twisted his neck (not to kill him, but to better expose the vessel) and sent him off to face eternal judgement. Well, it was mostly Jonathon who did all that. Sarah stood off to the side with her hands in her pockets. Then, after the lethal bite, she smiled and gave him a little wave. The not quite dead guy was stunned, so he reflexively gave her a weak, little smile and waved back too. After he died, they snapped off his expensive watch, lifted his wallet and quickly floated away. Some rats hiding under a dumpster squeezed out to watch the blue flames. And when the fire burned down, they tip toed into the greasy residue and ate it up. Night in the city. Sarah wanted to talk about his time with the Bureau. She wanted to tell him about her ordeal too, about the endless, gun-metal plain and the grey, close electric sky. But she didn't. Let it pass. Maybe that was better. He spoke first. He said - So what do you think Papa  will call himself now?.......She said - What do you mean?......Her companion with the loose, curly hair said - His name. What he calls himself. Look, after twenty eight thousand years do you think it really makes any difference? I mean what name hasn't he used? It's all just for convenience. But remember, he was locked up till not too long ago. A thousand years it was. Right after he made me. So this is gonna be his first modern name.........He looked into the window of a latenight book store, kind of like the place Sarah once owned. And he pulled her in. It was there. They had what he wanted, a paperback book of baby names. He bought it and chuckled as they walked out. Then they settled down in a nearby cozy cafe (two coffees, naturally) and began to leaf through the selections..............A rather elegant, European looking gentleman observed them from across the street. That group hidden deep within the Vatican had not given up. Papa's former captors were closing in...........

A REUNITED COUPLE MAKES PLANS

So Papa dragged Luna off to bed down with him. He can see things. She never really wanted Jonathon. We all knew that. She just wanted the magic. And now she had it. He took her to a nest he had at the back of an unused storage room. There was a pile of quilts and comforters in the corner (all the best from Crate and Barrel). He ripped off whatever it was she still had on and threw her down. Then he carefully took off his clothing, folding them over a chair and snuggled in to cover her. This one was his now. Maybe he was guilty? Maybe he just wanted to square things with Sarah? He put her through a lot.Petrification? Yuck...that can't be fun. And so via the chips discreetly hidden in nooks and crannies of Luna's body, Doctor Franklin and his cronies back at the Bureau, were treated to a wonderful bit of latenight porn. You can guess what they can do with miniaturization these days. Better run your hands all over your body and make sure you ain't set up that way. Believe me. Zebulon has seen plenty and it would not suprise me....A little later, just after sundown, Sarah woke up. She layed there. Jonathon had his arms around her. He was still sleeping. She could hear his steady breathing. And she thought about things. She thought about Jonathon and herself. Could she forgive him for Luna? Well, maybe as a mortal, things would be different. But that's not what she was now. And considering the potential life-span in front of her, she'd have to learn to make certain accommodations. He thought she was gone anyway, or at least 'tied-up' for an indefinite period of time. So maybe she'd let this one slide. It's hard. It can be complicated when your husband is also your creator....Later, when 'hubby' did wake up, he sheepishly offered her the gift-wrapped cameo. She took it and clipped it onto a chain she wore around her neck. It looked pretty there resting just above her cleavage. He kissed her. Then she smiled and roughly mussed his wavy-curly hair. But she did manage to work in a quick sharp tug. He yelped. She 'playfully' scolded him and said - Just don't bring me home any more 'sister wives' again. He kissed her and promised that he would not..........Mister Muggs, the newborn, vampire chimp (see, I remembered) was a bit dissoriented  when he awoke. But Annie hugged him. He was better than one of those huge, cheaply made, stuffed animals they gave out as carnival prizes. She always wanted one. And now she had one. Baylah was up and dressed already, waiting for the others. She sported a demure Beyonce look that night. It suited her. Zeke was there. He came in about a half hour ago. So he sat with Baylah, playing gin rummy, as she waited for the other ones to pull themselves together.....The elves and cherubs? They're always pulled together. Their magic is strong that way. And they were already out, flitting about the city, spreading their enchantment (tiny blood gifts) in a hundred different ways...Medical miracles are a wonderful thing. Well, now you know their source......Ahhhh, the gloaming, those few precious moments just before the dark.....I bet things will be different tonight. 

KILLER MONKEY AND BATTLE OF THE VAMPIRE VIXENS

So this is how it played out that night. Annie made a big scene over the monkey. I know. I know. I know. He's a chimp. He's a chimp. But I call him a monkey. To me, he's a monkey. Zebulon doesn't know from those words. She cried. She pleaded. She begged. Papa was like stone. He was furious. How could she do this? Even as a 'child' should it not be instinctive? Shouldn't she know not to give the 'night-sight' to an animal? He's not an animal. He's not an amimal. The lady who had him taught him tricks. He can talk! He can talk! He can make pictures with his hands! See? See!? - she said. But all Papa saw was a one hundred and seventy pound, naked ape giving him a comic lip-grin and making fart noises with his big, old hands. Zeke, the human night shift guy was ready to shit himself. He didn't have any idea what he was going to do with this one. wilkravitz took his lap-top and burrowed deep into one of the cluttered corners. But I whispered in his ear, so he was still able to 'channel' this all. There was complete silence for a long time, not counting the monkey's fart noises and then Papa (who still felt guilty about manipulating Annie back in the Shaky Hand Man days) exhaled and says - Who is going to controll him? He's a vampire, right?.......Yeah, said Annie, (to the ape) show him your teef.....The grotesque creature smiled and rolled back his upper lip revealing a set of super-duper choppers with the tell-tale, vampire enhanced canines...... The elves and cherubs looked on in wide-eyed amazement. Edith and her Red Paint buddies just stood there saying nothing.....So Papa says - Get that son-of-a-bitch some pants!......He shoots a 'look' at Zeke, who runs off to grab an extra pair of guard's slacks from the museum locker room. Then it took them about fortyfive minutes to get the monkey-vampire to put 'em on. They had to roll up the cuffs about fifteen times. And they did droop a bit through the ass. But at least the forest beast was covered. Actually, he was not that hard to controll. Papa was able to wrap him in one of his 'mind bubbles' and that kept him quiet. Annie gave him a tom-tom from the 'native tribes of the eastern woodlands' collection. Zeke almost had a heart attack. But it did the trick. And if you did not mind the never-ending BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM. you would not even know he was there. That's when the others came in. Jonathon and Luna, I mean. They just came racing down the stairs like two kids looking for a 'make out' spot. Baylah spots 'em first. She nudges Sarah and starts laughing. But Sarah (the 'wife') ain't so tickled. She just stands there like some wrathfull Assyrian priestess and cuts right through him (Jonathon, I mean)  with her eyes. He nods to her, pushes Luna behind him and goes toward her. Only she's having none of it. True, her gaze softens a bit. Her chin trembles. And a tear or two runs down her cheek. But she moves back, presses against Baylah and starts to cry......How can you bring that cheap, whore back here?- says Baylah, as she puts her arms around the distraught vampirina.......I had to. I didn't have any choice. I was all alone. I didn't have anyone. I thought she (Sarah, he means) was always gonna be like that (petrified, he means). I didn't know he (Papa) was gonna get her back! - spits out Jonathon....Papa doesn't get involved. He just sits there......Luna doesn't say anything either. But she makes one mistake. She smiles. More of a smirk actually and Sarah sees it. So she tears free from Baylah's embrace and leaps through the air with claws flying. Luna turns and darts into one of the other storage rooms. But it's no use. The slightly more experienced vampirina barrels through the neat stacks of cartons and pins her against a wall. BAM! BAM! Fists fly. Girl slap! Buttons pop! Blouse rips! Hair pulls! Cheek scratch! Cartons fall all over the place. Everybody crowds into the doorway to watch. They all yell, but no one can stop it. Papa just stays in his chair breathing in that little aroma candle he always carries. Annie spins around doing one of her 'happy, happy, joy, joy' dances. And the monkey starts screeching and playing with himself.....Then Jonathon starts yelling. He says - Stop it! Please, stop it!....But nothing happens. More brassieres get ripped up. Wardrobes malfunction. Breastisses go wild and the battle goes on. Zeke collapses down on the floor like he's having the 'big one.' He can barely get out the words. He says - How am I gonna explain this to the boss? How my gonna splain this to d'boss?......Papa walks over, leans down and says - How much?......Zeke manages to whisper - Fifty thou. Fifty thou. Fifty thou.......Papa pulls out his checkbook and signs one right then and there. He lets the pale green slip waffle down onto the heaving night-guard's chest. Zeke grabs it, studies it and is instantly cured. Then Papa (ever the dapper gent) neatly steps over him, parts the crowd in the doorway and strides right into the cat fight. Well these were vampirinas, so it was really a bit more like a lioness fight. He just raises his hand and says one word - STOP!!.....Instantly, an unseen force grabs  both of the half naked combatants and hurls them against the wall. BOOM! The few remaining upright shelves rattle, as the two ladies slide down to the floor.....All is quiet. Papa  goes over to Luna, offers his hand and says - I'll take care of this one. You (Jonathon, he means) go take care of your wife.......Jonathon crawls over to a sobbing Sarah. He takes her in his arms. He kisses her. And he cries a little too. The 'people' in the doorway discreetly wander off. Even the monkey had sense enough to leave...........

MONKEY BUSINESS

Annie got a monkey. No, not a monkey, a chimpanzee  She was out by herself. You know how she is. Nothing bothers her. One of those bicycle cops they got in certain parts of Center City spotted her and started to close in. I suppose he wanted to know what a little skinny, bitch like her is doing out on the streets late at night. Probably thought he'd take her away from some low life mother and plant her in the depths of the foster care universe. Yeah, like that was going to do her any good. But she is one smart, little bastard. So she sublimates through the wall of this brownstone townhouse and gives him the slip. A nice place too. The owners must be rich. Not the kind of 'beer and pretzels' rich you see all over these days, but genuine rich. Some of the paintings were originals. And 'dead' originals too. The good stuff. It turned out that the humans, some sharp couple in their late fifties, were out for the evening. Wait a second. Let me look it up in the akoshic records.....Ah, there it is. A fivethousand dollar a couple fundraiser for some glitzy charity. Dinner, dancing, goody-bags. The whole shmear. But the place wasn't empty. Somebody was screaming and shrieking down in the basement, so our little blood-sucker skipped down to investigate. Like a habitat it was. All fitted out for a West African great ape with tree trunks, thriving foliage, a fake water fall, banks of 'grow lights' heavy, rubber toys and a fiftysix inch flat panel 3D television with old, black and white Tarzan movies running on what seemed to be a continuous loop. Annie sees this wonderful, living toy and knows she's gotta have it. So she sublimates through the thick bars and throws her boney arms arounnd the beast. Bad enough when she was just watching from beyond the other side. Even that made it berserk. But now the thing was completely deranged. Ever see the cheaper class of high school girls having a fist fight? Well, then you know what I mean. The monkey tries to rip her off. It wants to break her arms. It wants to rip her flesh. But it can't stop her. It can't do anything. True, there are times when she's weak. The power isn't steady among them. Even Papa's like that. But this night was special. This night was one of her strong ones. So she sinks her teeth  through the matted monkey hair and begins to slurp up all the pungent monkey blood. So much of it there was. But she drank it all, burped a few times, and then proceeded to give it back, just at that moment before her simian friend was about to start his knuckle walk into munka-munka heaven. And the worst part is the hairy monster knew just what to do. So after a little bit, there were two vampires in that cage. What, did you think it couldn't happen? Why not? They're almost a 'genetic' duplicate of us (yes, Zebulon was human once). And when Mister and Missus Kiss-Kiss-Pose -For-The-Camera, charity do-gooders came home, wifey poo had a big surprize waiting for her downstairs. She goes to give J. Fred Muggs a slice of 'take home' strawberry short cake, only she takes the place of dessert instead. And her three times drunk hubby goes upstairs, so he don't notice anythings amiss till morning. By then, Annie stands before Papa, hopping from foot to foot doing her best 'can I keep him? can I keep him?' dance.....All this, and Jonathon hasn't even showed up with Sarah yet.....Ahhh, the cala-lillies are in bloom....Springtime in Philadelphia....Drink it in...Revel in the pixilated magic.....

A THREESOME HAS A NIGHT ON THE TOWN

Jonathon and Luna were ensconced in a suite, the best suite they could find. It was easy for him. All he had to do was call an old familiar and ask. The money was still there. They were eager to please. After all, blood is not water. And they all hungered for those precious, ruby drops. An elixir, a fountain of youth and health they were. What couldn't they do? Luna was impressed. Well, but then again, she thought all men lived this way. Franklin and most of the agents of The Bureau did. But she still liked Jonathon's style. I think I told you they 'culled' some cheap, little gold digger. You remember. She was out to bust up a family and they could not stand for that. Besides, Jonathon claimed to have seen her in a vision. And you know what they believe about those visions. So they engaged the little bitch in conversaion. Down in the lobby's diamond vendor, I think it was. Lured her upstairs on the pretext of seeing some really top notch, West African 'blood diamonds.' The bimbo (I think that's what they call them now) couldn't resist. Oh, they did have stones up there to show her. God bless those familiars. But they also had other things to show her as well, namely their teeth. Relax, there was not a big mess. They did it in the nine foot, granite 'bathing font.' Look, high priced hotels must have their toys. And this suite looked like a billionaire's Christmas. Want to know what they did? They all  shimmied out of their clothing and settled into the hot, bubbly water. Ahhhh, it felt so good. The little cheapie thought it would get her a better deal on one of the rocks. She had money. Future hubby saw to that. But as it turned out, what she didn't have was a future. First Luna started to make nice. Then, after the two of them were good and friendly, Jonathon taught them a few tricks. Everything was mellow. Everything was copasetic. Just a 'highly' pleasurable evening among new friends. Oh, she did get her money's worth. But then things began to get a little rough. A tiny bite here. A wee nip there. A tingle. A cut. A bigger cut. She tried to climb out. But Luna calmed her and lured her back in. Come on, Jonathon, massage the poor thing. Loosen her up . See? We're all best buds here. Luna leaned in for a kiss. The lights were low and warm. Some  sort of classical accompaniment whispered in the background. And then came the bite, the real bite, I mean. The victim shuddered. I think she even peed in the bath water. A lot of them do that. Jonathon covered her for a little taste too. But this wasn't just his dinner. No, he could always conjure up a vision later. Plenty of people deserved to die. So Luna did it. She drained the brazen bitch dry. They sat there watching as the blue fire mingled with the fragrant bubbles. And when it was over, they rinsed the mess away. There wasn't much. This hotel was prepaired for anything. Their plumbing could handle it.Then they got dressed, took a walk, and sublimated (he did have to help her. although a witch-welp, she did not understand the technique) through a wall and into the shuttered halls of some venerable antique auction house. Freeman's, I think it was.  Luna liked French Empire pieces, finer cameos and things like that. So they discreetly pocketed a few. Oh, don't worry. Jonathon kept a little written record. A familiar would present a check and take care of it in the morning. Vampires often did business this way. And the upper levels of elite establishments were used to it. Look, grow up and open your eyes. Things happen. Magic exists. Get used to it. But they did remember to pick up an exceptionally fine, gold signet ring for Papa. Had to keep the 'big man' happy. And a particularly impressive yellow diamond drop (part of the stash back at the suite) was beautifully wrapped up for Sarah. Must not forget the 'wife'................