VAMPIRES GO BARE-BACK RIDING ON A JERSEY DEVIL

Tomas call this a magic night. Only he don't say 'magic.' He say 'blessed.' You know how that boy believe? He set there prayin' and prayin'. He say - I doan care how you talk to God. Y'all gotta pray tonight. So everybody sit outside. Mister Edith pull lot a old beach chairs outta the shed. Think he get 'em from a casino. You know he was a real gambler back in the day.

They set 'em up on the grass between the porch and the Pines. It not a big space. Maybe like twenty feet, or eleven cubits, as Tomas say. Then he go - Y'all gotta ask God to forgive all the crap you do...... Only he doan say it like that. So they all start singin' and chantin' an' recitin'. Red Paint folks do this hummin' thing. It purdy, but it make me want a go to sleep. You know, disembodied spirits do nod off every now and then. Once I fell asleep during the Hoover administration and din't wake up til Mutiny On The Bounty came out. You know, the one wit' Clark Gable and Charles Laughton. Think Franchot Tone in it too...... I wanna be in a movie, if they ever let real ghosts play fake ghosts, that is. Do a real mean sand dance too. My daddy used to say - Why you do like you  do? He want me be a cotton merchant like him. But I wanna be a bad boy. That why they burnt me up. It the ouchiest night I ever had..... Way ouchiest.

Edith sing Amazin' Grace. Tomas like that. He doan care how you sees God, just so's you see 'im. Annie sing The Inky-Dinky Spider'. You know how she is. Conrad keep repeatin' - God is good. God is good...... Leo come back from his ghost whores. Jus' come walkin' out them woods, au natural and everythin'. He say - Who die? What you doin'?....... Sarah wrap a towel from 'Lantic City 'round his hips. You know, some vampires got no manners at all. But I guess it still like a novelty to him. Tomas (only tonight he use his Bible name and make us call him Jonathon) say - We all die. Tonight we all die. That why people doan eat. We like corpses. And God bring us back alive 'cause He want to. 'Cause we deserve it. OK? You got that, you dumb bastid?...... Only he doan talk that way... I do...... Mister Edith ask can he have a Rolaid, but Tomas make like he doan hear him.

After while most of 'em is all prayed out. Tomas know it, so he say - OK, prayin' over. Go do somethin' else. But y'all better make sure it good an' holy. Leo read old National Geographics on the porch. Conrad write letters to soldiers over in them foreign countries. He wanna tell 'em they from a vampire. Annie say she wanna kick him in his ass. So he jus' say they from a regular kind a goof. Edith run inside to watch the late night re-run of Hoda and Kathy Lee. That Hoda take a lot a shit from the other one. Somebody ought a kick both sides a her ass. Middle part too.

Pin Head Mel come by. He wit' Horsey Skeezix. Horsey say (he a Jersey Devil boy) his daddy givin' free rides all up into the big night time sky. Annie say she wanna go. Now you know Tomas won't do it, so Sarah gotta go wit' her. And what she really want a do is read her book. She in a THE NIGHT CIRCUS. That girl do like her magic. I like the one Edith readin' SPLIT DECISION, 'bout killers and hootchie, vampire-cops and all. You know all ghost gotta  do is move through them pages and BAM! He know the book.

So Horsey Skeezix lead 'em back in a Pines, to where his daddy is. Daddy say hi. Sarah nod. Annie giggle. Daddy-Devils is big, real big. Look mostly like human bean, but with shiny, dark horse fur. Face little long too, but you see people like that in a butcher shop any day. Glossy hair on his head run all down his back, til it come to a tail, jus' like Seabiscuit. His feet like human bean feet most all the ways down. But the ball a his feet and the toes ain't there. He got hoof instead. Arms is people arms though, jus' wit' that shiny horse fur. The fanciest part the wings. Big, gray, leathery, bat wings... comin' up outta his shoulders and spreadin' wide, like that evil, giant, demon fella in Fantasia, only Mister Skeezix not evil. He got peanut allergy and everythin'. An' he talk real nice too. Sound like Fred Gwynne from The Munsters. He say - Who wanna go up first?...... Annie say she do, so Sarah let her. Not like she gonna go 'guhk' (drop dead) or anything. She a vampirina. You know that. So horse-guy scoop her up and go WHOOSH! 'Bout six or eight beats a them big wings and they high up over the trees. Ain't no roads 'round here, so folks goin' back from 'Lantic City never see 'em. Annie laugh just like a human child. Sarah like that. An' knowin' how she is, that like a miracle. Tomas mus' be very happy. 

When it Sarah's turn, she sit on his back and grab hold a his neck. Jersey Devil got real strong neck. Pin Head Mel yell - Bye-bye! Bye-bye! Everythin' look purdy up there. Stars, planets, couple them Virgin jets and all. Big black sky. Actually real,real,real,real deep midnight blue. But you know what I mean.

And that horsey guy keep her up a real , real, real long time.

Regular folk would never see. But Tomas could. He lay out on the grass watchin'. 

Do all this sound strange to you? Well it is. 'Cause remember...we only pretend it fiction...

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MER-FOLK ARE PICKY EATERS

You know the mer-folk are still out there. Every night they come close into shore...lookin' for stuff. Sometimes plastic bags. They tear 'em up and weave 'em into stuff. Sometimes beer cans. or soda cans... (good source a metal) to use for harpoon tips and tail piercings.

Once in a while they discover half drowned people. Two legged people. Crotch people. People like us. That's when they have 'sushi.' Four or five of 'em gather 'round and start eatin'. Nobody see. No human beans, that is. This all happen few miles out. Starlight twinklin' on them little, tiny, baby waves. Dolphin goin'- Ack, ack, ack. Phosphorescent sea bugs decoratin' everything. Like one a them art nu-vo posters I seen 'round New Orleans when I was a boy. (It me, Mister Never-you-Mind. as if you did not know.). Human bean start screamin'. by then it got the pants ripped off, underwears too. But them mermaids and mermen ain't no cannon balls. They doan eat no arm, or tittie or neck, or belly, 'cause that wouldn't be right, seein as they got those parts too. Mostly confines theyselfs to what grows from the hips down. Shark-fish chomp up them other parts. Ain't no big thing to them 'cause they ain't got no titties, jus' real big heads wit' lots a teef.

That how it is. Everybody think - Oh, ain't that mermaid nice. Doan she look jus' like a angel what ain't got no brassiere? But you never see 'em when company not around.

I got lots a stories like that. Mister Never-You-Mind been floatin' 'round a long time. Once I went to Europe in the nineteen forties. Saw that monkey-faced French gal, Coco Chanel rubbin' up 'gainst them Germans. Givin' 'em perfume and stockin's and all...... Oooo! Know what else I seed? I seed Nazi 'scientists' make bare, little, cryin' children lay down on them slabs they slide into them pizza-oven-lookin' crematorium things they got....... Jus' push them bones over to the side. There, you got plenty room...... Then they bang em shut and light it up..... Wanna see how the 'right kind a folks' dies in a fire. Got thick little windows in the side and everything. Know how hot them ovens get? Two thousand degrees..... Like lava..... and the fire come shootin' in from everywhere....... Gangster fellas burnt me up in a fire too. Dowsed me wit' gasoline and everything. I know how that feel.... Poor, little lonesome children. Some a them still got teddy bears..... That true and that did happen.

Doan know why all this come into my head right now. Still a nice night in the Pines and all. Maybe I pickin' it up from Tomas. They tried to burn him too, you know. That like a thousand years ago, but even though.... he still remember. 

Maybe I get some a them burnt up little children a visit him. Let him see they all right. Wit' the Holy Day comin' up he like that.

I feels them things, 'cause I very spiritual too.

Jersey Devil (a growed one) gonna take Sarah and Annie up for a ride. You know how they got them big wings and all? So please excuse me, 'cause I wanna go watch.

Pines get strange at night....They get real strange...

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Billy Kravitz' vampire wonderland: KILLER MONKEY AND BATTLE OF THE VAMPIRE VIXENS

I KNOW YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS ONE WHEN IT FIRST 'AIRED' AND IT'S A GOOD ONE TOO. JUST LOOK AT THE NAME. TAKES PLACE WHEN THEY WERE ALL HOLED UP IN THE BASEMENTS OF THE PENN MUSEUM... 'Billy Kravitz' vampire wonderland: KILLER MONKEY AND BATTLE OF THE VAMPIRE VIXENS: So this is how it played out that night. Annie made a big scene over the monkey. I know. I know. I know. He's a chimp. He's a chimp. But I c...

MADAM SHANG PUTS PAPA DOWN ~~~ the novelty wears off

She looked at him. Madam Shang studied the handsome, twenty eight thousand year old vampirino. He seemed frozen, caught in mid gesture, like a gnat in amber. Demi-Goddesses can do that. Time means nothing. Distance is nonexistent. And she sighed, for she knew there were other beings to have fun with. 

Papa also wearied of the experience. What did reality mean to a creature like her, an accidental tourist passing through the lives and worlds of others? Did she ever care? Perhaps when she was human and even as a vampire, but obviously not now. And in Shang's case 'now' went back a very long time.

She was in 'spider phase' now, inhabiting the physicality of a huge, intricately articulated arachnid. Oddly beautiful in a way. This one was devoid of fur, flaunting a multicolored, jewel-like carapace. And Papa was Papa, caught in a web that spanned the stars. Sometimes she rubbed his belly. Two toed spider feet (or are the front ones 'hands'?) can be gentle...when they want to be. 

Tiny beings, some human, some not, screamed, as she lowered her monstrous cephalo-thorax (roughly analogous to a head) the better to inject them with clear, hot poison running down from her needle-like fangs.

Papa didn't like her crude burlesque of 'el mundo vampirismo,' but that life was so far behind her she barely remembered it. Goddesses will have their fun. 

She considered eating him. Oh, the experience would be real. For are we not all just complicated electrical sparks? Yet a mind above hers said - No....... Perhaps it was The Jade Emperor Himself, or some other heavenly functionary. So she demurred. Although he was carefully wrapped in a silk cocoon and tucked in a safe, dry place.

And there she left him.... lost among the stars, or the illusion of stars, as she re-constituted her 'human' form and swam off to toy with children. 

Unfortunately, Papa's delicate condition was far from unique. Over the eons others were like-wise disposed, hung in abeyance 'tween the spirit and the flesh. But this one had talents of his own and he roused them so he could escape....

Yet he brought the 'shroud' back with him. The silk of a demi-goddess holds power. And the vampires would one day find use for it...

So a strange gaseous cloud blew sun-ward from the stars, as Papa advanced back home.

The ghosts of The Pine Barrens felt it. And they danced and swirled through the branches 'neath the kiss of a full, ivory moon...

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NEW VAMPIRE 'LEO' GOES RUNNING WILD IN THE PINES

Nobody home. All cleared out, 'cause contractors workin' on switchin' 'round Conrad's room. Went to the Jersey Pine Barrens... thickest, densest woodland habitat on the east coast. And it all right in the middle a Philadelphia, Atlantic city and New York. Who'd a thunk it? 

Got alligator snappin' turtles what chomp down baby ducks like cocktail weenies. Don't ask me what they does to more genuine sausages. Gotta be mighty brave go skinny dippin' in them waters. But folks does it anyways, 'cause them little forest swimmin' holes look so nice...all cool and shady.... not too many dead raccoon. Bobcats take care a that. Like thirty two pound Tasmanian Devil what got feline-ized and lost in New Jersey. 

Lot a crap get lost in the Pines. Human crap too. It the Whack Capital a the east coast. Mister Never-You-Mind knowed all 'bout it back when he live in New Orleans. Mister Never-You-Mind is me... jus' in case you new to all this.

Edith and Mister Edith, her huzzbannd, got a cabin. It rustic, but not too rustic. Toilets flush (they got two) and everything. Like what Martha Stewart and Ralph Lauren would have, if say the communiss' took over. Porch is nice...all screened in. Edith like to sit out there late at night when she home. Ghosts is out bummin' 'round then and some a them float by to see how she doin'.

Vampires gotta rough it here. Sleep down in the root cellar. It basically a regular cellar, these days. But back in the day they used to throw roots down there. Think 'roots' meant taters... carrots too, maybe.

Mister Edith mostly sit out in the shed. He make stuff.... liquor mostly. Learned it from his grand-daddy. Grand-Daddy know 'Nucky' Johnson first hand. Johnson the real name. Had a change it for that GTO television program, 'cause the real Nucky still got wrinkled up children and even though they senile, doan like people bad-mouthin' they daddy. Nucky don't care. He still go 'ghosty-ghost' 'round The Ritz. That a big condominium wiff a fancy pool on The Boardwalk these days. Ninth floor the most ghosty part. That where Nucky lived. Some old farts say he still sit in on a hand a pinochle now and then. Card room where they used to deal out the whores. So I guess he still partial to the place. 'Lantic City got lots a stories. Screw Reno. 'Lantic City biggest little city in the world. Everybody got a 'Lantic City story. Gimme a few night. I get some for you.

Larry... I mean 'Leo' like the Pines. He go runnin' through the trees, scarin' the Jersey Devils and all. Horsey Skeezix near shit hisself. He a young Jersey Devil...jus' a boy. Then Leo come back and ask what he gotta do 'bout West Nile Virus. Should he smear on any crap or something. Edith laugh so hard she spit chewed up tater chips right in his face..... Say - Ain't no West Nile bastids queer for you. You dead, or somethin' like dead. You un-bite-able. Doan worry. Your ass is safe 'round here...... He say - It is? You sure?...... She say 'yeah' few more times. That make Leo happy. He start dancin' 'round and swingin' from them trees. Pull off all his clothes and go runnin' off whoopin' in a the dark. Think he prick hisself on a few thorns or somethin', but I doan know. 

Rest a the night-folk off parlayin' wit' them Red Paint goomers. They that old tribe. Not Injuns...older'n Injuns. You know. Men-folk all look like Captain Jean-Luc Piccard a the starship Enterprise and lady-folk look like champion skier, Peekaboo Street. Can't 'splain why that so, but it is. Red Paints ain't magic actually, but close to it. Read a mind jus' like the back of a Wheaties box. Mighty fine animal talkers too. Don't go - Oo-oo, ah-ah, ee-ee, but they make theyselves understood just the same. 

Leo settin' on a log talkin' a two dead flapper gals. They playin' wit' him. He laughin'. Sometime he stop laughin'. 'Cause you know, some kind a ticklin' ain't ticklish.

Gotta stop now. Feel like doin' some Pine ghostin' myself. Sound like them crickets be callin' my name....

Aw-ray-vwa, as folks say back home...Until next time, America......and Canada and Mexico plus all them other places where folks wear funny hats...

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Billy Kravitz' vampire wonderland: EMPIRE OF THE JADE ORB --- choice two for the new ...

BEHOLD A NEW REALITY... A FUTURE YET TO COME.....Billy Kravitz' vampire wonderland: EMPIRE OF THE JADE ORB --- Sample the essence of this new exotic tale ~~~  ...: Please do not expect this one to be conversant in the preferred, classical manner. I stem from a remote corner by the Dragon's Spine Mountai...

THE NAME OF MISTER ROSE

The meal went off without a hitch. They followed the gentleman down the street, careful lest they appear to be common muggers. Tomas is a virtuoso. He plays the tune so well. It happened near one of the large, equestrian statues by City Hall, the huge, Second Empire, wedding cake occupying a central position between the two rivers,(Delaware and Schuylkill, in case you don't know). The central courtyard, accessed via four massive arches, was closed. Locked in by grates as stout as any castle's. And the illuminated, buttery face of the clock in the tower read three. Tomas always preferred dining late, so it's only natural his students adopt a similar pattern. On the third strike of the great chimes he stopped, the gentleman, I mean. The vampires stopped too, melting into the shadows with a natural, instinctive grace. 

Tomas whispered - He killed her here. Slit her throat with piano wire. Fast worker, he is. A master. An artist of the garrote. And she was but the last. Been meaning to 'cull' him for months. Had the dreams and everything. But you know how it is. Work piles up. So I give him to you. There should be no guilt. Some vampires feel guilt during 'first flesh.' But he's such a loathsome beast, I know you won't be burdened by that.

What should I do? - mumbled Larry..... Just like we said. Glide up behind him. Right hand to the forehead. Left crossed the chest. Pull back with the right... a little to the side too. Expose the neck and enjoy. At least I hope you enjoy it. Sometimes 'first flesh' goes by like a blur. 

Larry gulped and nodded, fidgeted with his pants  (They really were 'tight in the pee-pee) and did it. The man flinched, just for an instant, but vampires are quite strong, even new ones and approximately seventy or eighty heartbeats later he was done. The refreshed, young novice just stood there, drawing the nourishment deep into his tissues, as the empty murderer lay at his feet. Two rats ran over, but Tomas shewed them away. Then he whispered - Take the wallet. Take the jewelry. Quick! Quick! Do it! Do it!..... Larry fumbled a bit, but managed to perform the task. Soon after, various points on the body ignited into 'cold' blue flames. Small fingers of fire licked their way across the carcass til it was consumed, leaving only a thick, viscous, greasy residue. The rats were welcome to that. Larry laughed, til Tomas shushed him. Then they stepped out from behind the statue, or rather the sizable, stone platform supporting it, and continued down the street. 

Larry said - What should we do.... about my name and all?....... Tomas said - I thought you wanted to keep your own......... No - said Larry. Not now. Not 'after.' I didn't realize. I didn't understand....... And now you do?- asked his teacher........ Larry nodded - I do. I do. Larry Rose just doesn't seem right. Besides, my family wouldn't like it...... Have any ideas? - said Tomas...... Leo. I like Leo. It's strong and kind of Italian. I'm Italian, you know. So 'Leo.' It's gonna be 'Leo.' Yeah, 'Leo.' - said Larry........ Then 'Leo' it is - whispered Tomas. 

They stopped into an all night bodega to buy hoagies, silently waiting while the kid wrapped them up. Then they gave them out to two or three homeless souls they met along the way.

A little while later, Tomas and Leo went home. Sarah waited to hear all about it. Edith served hot cider (the hard variety) and then they went to sleep. 

Tomorrow night they'd head for the Pines...

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