A WITTY LITTLE JOKE TOLD TO CROWS

Marrianne and Celeste, the two 'elf' girls, came back with a little four year old King Charles Cavalier Spaniel, a silky, little, black and white, big eyed confection named Bunny. She lived with an old 'witchy woman' in an early nineteenth century 'trinity' (narrow, three story townhouse) on a forgotten little mews, tucked away on a  tiny, cobbled lane far from the syncopated fandango of Center City.

The woman apparently knew a bit of the ancient 'this and that,' as those adept in such things say. She could conjure up needed opportunities and 'find' money (or easily saleable gold) as well as other useful commodities. Her place was a tick-tock, mish-mash of old velvet pillows, chintz fabric and porcelain bric-a-brac. Heavy satin curtains banished tresspassing sunbeams. And herbal teas perfumed the air with exotic, muskie delights.

It was said that the dog was a reincarnated spirit, to be exact, the soul of a beloved aunt (the witchy-woman's), dead since the dreaded influenza epidemic of 1918. No one knew the exact age of the canine in question and the little dog wasn't telling. But the small, nickel medallion on her collar was of a type not seen in town since before the Second World War. She was Bunny then and she is Bunny now. Her magical, human mistress was the proud owner of onehundred and seventeen years. She probably would have seen twohundred, but in was the cigarettes and greasy, meat pasties what done her in. Spells can only accomplish so much. And when the practioner in question begins to exhibit bubbles in her think tank, they become even less efficatious.

So they wrapped her in a silk shroud and buried her in an old pirate's chest (jeroboam sized) along a deep, shadowy pathway behind a thicket of granite obolisks, far at the back, in the enchanted woodlands of Laurel Hill Cemetery.

And now we have the dog lodging with us (it's me, wilkravitz) in Chestnut Hill. Edith dotes on her. Calls her a right proper witch's familiar (see, we have something in common, since I am a vampire's familiar). Has she done any sparkly, little miracles yet? I'm not sure. But Annie claims she heard her whispering something to the crows in the back garden.  And the sharp taloned, almost raptors seemed to find it very funny.

Stay in touch. I'll let you know what happens.

IS THIS THE DAWNING OF THE AGE OF AQUARIUS?

There are vampires scattered throughout creation. We have not seen them all. And the saddest of the lot are the lapsed 'Nobles.' They wander about like clueless animals, killing indiscriminately, striking dramatic poses and staring at candlelight. Centuries come annd go, yet they remain the same, wax figures  occupying dank arcades off to the side of the grand parade. Have you ever heard an old, vinyl record endlessly repeating itself on an ancient turntable? Well, if you have, you know what I mean.

These are the beings who walk into the sun. These are the beings who sublimate deep down through the crust of the earth, till searing rivers of magma wash away the pain. But they've been having visions too. Many are returning to 'the fold.' 'Nobility,' among the life-eaters means something again. If you'd like to think of it as  a mustering of the armies of Michael the Archangel, you'd be as accurate as any.

And in Philadelphia, Edith knows it's coming, so does the child vampire called Annie. Baylah is ready. The poker rooms of Atlantic City cannot satisfy all her needs. Papa, in his own laconic way, waits for it too. The elves and cherubs have been whispering of such a thing for decades. The Red Paint Folks join hands, forming circlles in the Jersey Pines , dancing and stomping like New World dervishes, each taking delight in the Great Day to Come.

Those gathered in the Four Seasons - Jerusalem (the suite really is quite tasteful) complete their extemporaneous writings. The quiet imam in the pale gray suit and collarless shirt collects them. He quickly pats them together into a neat, square pile, places it on a table and taps a butter knife (from the earlier buffet) against the outside of a crystal water glass, producing a series of pure, clear, melodious notes. Everyone grows quiet. He speaks. He says - I will read the first two, then we can pass them all around......And he begins.........I see a beautiful set table, heaped with every manner of mouthwatering delight. It has no beginning. It has no end. And it snakes its way throughout a world without frontiers or soldiers. Every person finds a seat at this special feast. Each one talking to his neighbors and listening to what they say in return............The imam scans the rest of the page and says - This is a long one. I'll go on to the another, just to save time.........The next one spoke of the Tower of Babel run backwards. God cheered their efforts. The different tongues became one. And the people accomplished great things..........

And so it went for the rest of that night. To be candid, the visions discussed there were nothing more than manifestations of the 'Scotosh Beedosh...'  Open your eyes to what lies before you. Allow yourself to see the truth. None called for an homogenization of humanity. Each was free to follow the ways of his own people, like unique siblings in a large family. Like weary travelers returning home.......

Who knows? Maybe John Lennon was called back to be bard of this ...not a new beginning, but a re-beginning..I wonder what he and Renate are doing right now?

NIGHT OF FIRST WRITINGS

Sarah and Jonathon sat perched on two gilt occassional chairs in the middle of a crowded 'livingroom' in a suite at the Four Seasons Hotel - Jerusalem.. Nice place. Good air conditioning. No bugs. A mixed group of spiritual types crowded 'round them. The fat woman with the loose bun cirrculated  with a tray of small sandwiches. Some people munched tuna on challah rolls, others made due with some kind of ultra rare roast beef ( a bit too bloody to be truly kosher) on rye bread. I think there was some lox, salami and danish too (Jewish L.S.D.---God bless Henny Youngman)  Everyone sported carefully pressed business suits, or conservative-lady-business-dresses. For the most part it was the men in the suits and the woman in the dresses. A few of the men wore small prayer caps. I guess they were rabbis or popes or something. A hanndful spoke in tongues. But one of the tongues sounded familiar. I think the Three Stooges used it in one of their funny-films when they were supposed to be Russian diplomats or something. But, hey, we are not here to judge.

The woman with the sloppy bun gave Jonathon and Sarah lit aroma candles (pomegranate and citron, I think they were - this is the Holy Land after all). Eating-staring-small talk time was ending. People selfconsciously sucked fatty morsels of cow flesh out of their teeth. Then a man in a yellow suit (summer-butter-khaki actually)  scootched his chair forward and addressed the two vampires.........Good evening. I am Reverend Walker. perhaps you have heard of me? - he crooned......Jonathon said that he had not....But the California holyman continued unpreturbed.....You claim to act on visions, I am told. Can you describe one for us? - he asked.........Everyone grew quiet, waiting for a response.......Jonathon cleared his throat, more for rhetorical effect than necessity, as he quietly said - They are real. They are true. They are Divinely inspired. I could describe the very Saphire Throne of God itself  for you. Belief is in your heart.........But before he could continue, a young lady in the back spoke up. She said - Please, you are right. Belief lies in the heart. Tell us what is in your heart. Tell us what we should know.........Sarah looked. She knew the girl. It was Morticia, her 'goth' friend from a few months back. She whispered  this fact into Jonathon's ear. They smiled at the now decidedly non-goth human female. And she smiled back........All was silent. Then Jonathon went on........In the past, most of you here would have burnt us. We were demons. We were damned. We were persecuted and tortured. What changed your minds?...............A tall, thin man seated off to the side carefully put down his glass of iced tea and said - But if you'll excuse me, some of us have been having visions too.. They (all the humans, I mean) sat in embarrassed silence.

May I make a suggestion? - said a studious looking woman. Why don't we all simply write down  a simple description? Just tell what we saw. Then we can pick a leader. No, not so much a leader, more like a facilitator. That person could read a few of them, out loud, I mean. And we might be able to see a common thread. It would give us a starting point, a jumping off point. Well, what do  you think?.......A murmur of consent traveled through the room. Then a salt and pepper haired gentleman in a pale gray suit and collarless shirt (an imam, I believe) took some stationery out of a drawer and began to pass it around. Surprisingly each soul present had a pen (not Jonathon and Sarah. they were in those funny white outfits, but extra writing implements were soon brought forth). And every pen worked........a minor miracle in itself, you might say.....

Then they all began to write.

TELEPATHY AND PREDICTIONS - ANNIE FINDS A NICHE

I'm not sleeping. it's me, annie. I'm in my sleeping cubicle down in one of the basements. the place is finished off real nice. they ain't got no jiggly buggies down here. you gotta go down to the sib-basement for them. I also got wilkravitz' laptop. he don't know. let him go to hell. he never wants to share with me anyway. they got a nice, little, pink, 'girls' laptop in the toys r us store. I want it, but no one wants to buy it for me. they say I'm gonna break it. I'll smash their heads is what I'll break. I know where Edith keeps her money. I know where they all keep their money. Don't you remember? I can read people's minds.I know when the grown ups (vampires and just plain stupid people) want to play sexy games. I know when the bitch next door, the one who feeds her kid shitty pizza (but not all the time), wants to mush herself up against Papa. If I was a just plain stupid girl, I would be throwing up during every commercial. I would be throwing up real bad. what was I gonna do? Oh, yeah, I remember...read minds.

1) this is to a hairdresser named mitzy who lives in north jersey. the boss knows you slip money into your own pocket. he knows you don't put it in the cashregister. but you are a 'good worker' so he don't say nothing. only brittany knows too and she is very angry about it. once she 'keyed' your car. and another girl laughed. but you are not so happy working there, so don't worry about it. take that new job out by the target store. and start going to that sports bar near the supermarket. you will meet a cute guy there soon. he makes about 80 or 90 thousand dollars a year (do they only pay plain stupid grown ups one time each year?...boy. that must stink) he looks like your cousin's huzbin. that should make you real happy.

2) Danny in boston should keep his mouth shut if he don't want to start a real big fight with his brother and ruin the whole family. And Leighanne is a great big fat liar and the whole street knows it. She ain't even sure she's havin a baby, so there. But her father has a little bit of money and whoever marries her and settles down will get some of it when they buy a house that she can move into. the father don't like having her at home, cause she drinks up all the God damned orange juice and breaks the washing machine. and he is asgusted. besides, he got a girlfriend too (only I don't know why they call her a 'girl'...she more of an old lady friend...a real wrinkle-puss if you ast me). her name is hellen, but she tells people to call her helene cause it confuses them and makes her look younger.

2) I don't know  exactly what 'economy' means, but it keeps coming to me that the 'economy' is going to improve in October (maybe cause people will be buying a lot a halloween costumes and shit?)

3) Somebody in california had little movies of some movie guy trying to kiss and hug a young girl we see on tv a lot. She was gonna show it to oprah, but now she will probably have to settle for somebody else cause oprah ain't showin little movies on tv anymore. this guy always likes to eat steak at a certain restaurant with two of his friends and he plays cards (poker I think) at a big house up on top of a hill. his car is big and white. that is all I know.

I am tired again and want to sleep for a little while before we all get up. so good bye for now. mind reading is fun, but sometimes I do not understannd what it all means...but it is still fun to snoop around in other people's brains and shit...

vampire wonderland: TWO VAMPIRES IN 'FLIP-FLOPS'

vampire wonderland: TWO VAMPIRES IN 'FLIP-FLOPS': "Here's another little peek into the pages of LA CIENCIA VAMPIRISMO, an ancient tome, much prized by vampires and other students of arcane fo..."

vampire wonderland: OUT OF THE MOUTH OF A BABE

vampire wonderland: OUT OF THE MOUTH OF A BABE: "this is annie talking. dont pay no mind to how I type this all out. remember, I am only six human years and most of 1 vampire years old. so ..."

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF A BABE

this is annie talking. dont pay no mind to how I type this all out. remember, I am only six human years and most of 1 vampire years old. so if you dont like it, I'll kick you right in half your ass. you get to pick which cheek. I am not too bossy that way.  wilkravitz does not know where his laptop went. but he's busy watching THE VOICE on telebizon, so he wont know for a while, at least not till after that show with the four crzy guys trying to become movie stars in californya. you know, the onne with that kid who looks like  a skinnier, frizzy haired version of Jonathon. I'm sittin out back, on the kitchen patio, right where Edith had her run in with that Johnny Jump Up thingie. It's cool now. the rain stopped. thin little storybook clouds skate across the fat face of an almost filled moon. I like nights like this. I could fall asleep out here. And I have done it too. the elves and cherubs wake me up before dawn. Luna (she IS supposed to be like my step-mother) never does. I think she wants me to die. I really do. God knows where she is. I hope a giant spider or like some nazi scientist pervert bastids got her. I hope they kill her up real bad. maybe she already is dead. that's what I pray for, you know. but GOD tells me not to be that way. He sounds just like that 'boy' teacher they had at my (human) pre-school. I can remember some a that. the sand box was fun. and I think I used to like chocolate chip cookies. I had these barbie sneakers that were pretty good too.

I'm gonna try to read your minds and tell you stuff about the future. I like when Edith does it. She's at a church bingo tonight. and afterwards she stops for sticky-bun and coffee  at some diner place. She brings me back a whole lot a 'minty fresh' tooth picks and gives em to me. I use em to spear these big, shiny, roachie bugs down in the sub-basement. their stringy legs go jiggle-jiggle-jiggle...and then they just die I guess. I liked watchin the Phillies tonight. Cole Hamils was the pitcher. I like him cause he looks just like my favorite Ken doll. Sometimes I pop his head off and jam it down on this little My-Little-Pony rubber thing I got.

OK, here goes. I am seein stuff in my head now......Tell Gina and her boyfriennd Lucky that they are gonna have a new baby. I think it  is gonna be a boy or a girl. And that Spanish guy down the street want to but the truck, so things shnould work out real good. they live in new York city I think, because I see them eatin corn beef sandwiches and pizza with the statue of liberty. she chews her food  up real good for a big metal thing. I like that.

Sally's mom found a girl's wallet in the toilet at some pancake house. It had a lot of monies in it. big monies. two of em had Doctor Franklin's pitcher on em. I gotta ask him how he got em to stamp his face on all the monies. maybe they can do that for my birthday? Sally's mom was gonna give the money and all to the lady who lost it (her name was inside). but she changed her mind and bought a new set a patio furniture and three pairs of fancy-lady-tittie-cuppers instead. But she is ashamed to go into that pancake house on account a the money belonged to one of the waittresses. this is some where near where Oprah lives, I think. Cause every time I see the sky, a lot a the clouds look like Oprah's face, and I figure she could do that if she wanyed to.

Two earthquakes are gonna jumble stuff up in a place that looks like India. I think it is india cause the ladies all have fancy kerchiefs tied around their hair so nobody who is a man can look at it. they are not playing hide-and-seek under these movable tents like ladies in somme countries. they have a lot of pretty bracelets. I think the earthquake will come later in the summer, like on july 25th or august 25th. the president is gonna talk about it. you will see him on tv and he dont look  too happy.

A girl in South america is gonna have this little two-headed baby. Both a the baby's heads smile a lot. one looks snart, the other looks dumb. I call em smarty and dumbie. the mom and her family want em to be big celebrities, like the people on E TV, so they are gonna rent em out to a circus or something. Too bad Michael Jackson is mostly dead, or he could a bought em. I would like it if Papa would but em for me. but he will say NO. He will say NO real loud.

Jonathon and Sarah are gonna say stuff in Israel that will help stop all the fighting over there. I dont know what it will be, cause he's gonna say it in Jewish talk (Hebrew) and I do not know that. Sarah is gonna do some stuff with sick children. I think she is gonna give em little drops of her blood to make them better. but a little spy camera is gonna catch her and they will show movies of it on the rachel ray show (they tibo it for me). she will smile and act all surprised and talk real fast. I like when she goes like that.

Well, that's all.  wilkravitz is done watchin that entourage show and he wants his computer back. but he looks a little bit sick to me. I think he still has a piece a that diarrhea left, so he ain't gonna be typing out too much more new stuff tonight. so that's all. I'm gonna go down and spear me some more roachies. Good bye. that's it...just good bye.