EIGHT QUICK VAMPIRE FACTS...(not an actual episode, but good to know just the same)

1)vampires rarely kill a victim every night. If most major cities harbor between three and seven vampires, the number of 'culled' people would be too high. the public would certainly notice for sure.

2) Vampires suffer seasonal depression in the spring and summer...when the nights are short...They're 'happiest in late fall and winter when the nights are long. In that way, they are the opposite of most living humans.

3) Some vampires CAN imbibe alcohol. No one knows why. For instance, when they cull a drunken victim, the alcohol  in that person's system passes into the life-eater. Because of this ability, some vampires impersonate drunks and hang in bars.

4) Few, if any, vampires ever 'sleep' in coffins. Why would they? Their bodies crave comfort too. Actually, a good mattress and adequate 'black out' shades and draperies are all they need.

5) Religious talismans have no power over them. Most, in their own way, work for the betterment of humanity. It has been said----- They may not be the shepherd, but they definitely are his sheepdogs.....I guess that makes us mortals the sheep.

6) Vampires are extremely partial to pleasant aromas. If you follow our story, you know how much they enjoy a good scented candle. A Yankee Candle store is their idea of Heaven on Earth.

7) They have their own language, known as Vahmpeerigo, bases on medieval Italian, French and Spanish, spiced with a bit of Catalan and alpine German.......Communities from different parts of the world speak in tongues built on languages native  to their regions.

8) Most soon-to-be vampires strive to get in perfect shape before they are brought over...Imagine being an overweight night stalker for all eternity.

THATS ALL THATS ALL THATS ALL THATS ALL THATS ALL THATS ALL THATS ALL

OUR NEWLY MINTED VAMPIRE-GAL KILLS A BLACK WIDOW

A cool, September evening crept over the Holy Land. It happens sometimes. A breeze comes in off the sea, or  maybe down from the mountains heralding the approach of the biblical New Year. In three weeks it will be 5762 s.e. (since creation). OK, OK, OK, so the number is symbolic. Each year stands for an epoch. And if you look at it that way, it's pretty accurate. I mean all that 'In the beginning' and 'Let there be light' stuff sounds exactly like a description of the big bang. But I'm not here to talk about the heavenly ordained calender. My job is to channel some more information about Roland and Laila. You see, something didn't go right. She's almost an elf....Almost, but a little different. You want to know how it shows? Well, elves rarely kill people. They take tiny bites here and sucky, little kisses there, but nobody dies. Or hardly ever dies. Only laila doesn't appear to be like that. She has the hunger, the true vampirina hunger. Her skin peeled. She was burning up and everything. Papa's essence is always hovering around this place. That's because Jonathon (his vampiric son) is here. But he butts into my mind too. And he says she was too old. Laila, I mean. She was too old to become an elf. She wasn't on the brink of puberty. She was already swimming in it. Had a box of Kotex in her drawer and everything. I guess it's on the mark to say she came a little late to the dance. So she's over the rainbow. Not actually an elf (although her ears ARE a bit pointy and her flying skills are pretty good), more like a hybrid. And that's extremely unusual. So we gotta see how this is gonna play out.

Remember, this was only her first true night and she  already woke up with a vision ...a REAL vision. Roland didn't know what to do. He is totally an elf and they don't have to deal with stuff like this. But Renate sensed her need. Who knows? Maybe Papa sennt her. Maybe Moe, from The Three Stooges sent her. What the hell difference does it make? But that evening, when the sun went down, the surviving mother of all the life-eaters was there to greet her as she stepped out of the crypt. They have a lot of cryps on the Mount of Olives. Most are empty, the bones long ago finding their way into the lucrative relic market, or maybe they were carved up to make mah-jong tiles. What do I know. But some of the dead-boxes dug into this picturesque hill side are still occupied. And other camoflaged corpse condos have yet to be discovered. The place where Laila and Roland slept is like that. Nobody (no mortals anyway) knows where it is. They have to enter via an opened, deserted grave, squeeze through a crack-like niche in the back and shimmy down this little tunnel. But he (Roland) tried to make it homey. There's a stack of old comic books, some Teenage-Mutant-Ninja-Turtle sleeping bags and a couple of mag-lite flashlights plus a whole pile of double A batteries from this real cheap,  'Just Batteries' vendor in the souk (shuk in Hebrew). I'm not sure, but I think they got a few hand held, joker-poker, video games floating around in there too. Hey, vampires get bored too, you know.

So, let me get back to the 'Renate' stuff. She puts her arm around Laila and whispers something in her ear. If it was any other life-eater I'd be able to tell you what was said. But Renate is different. Does she mask her words (thoughts too) on purpose? I can't really tell. I mean she seems pretty level headed for a forty thousand year old supernatural (superpowered would be more like it) Cher look-alike. No, really, they do look exactly the same. People stop her on the street and start singing 'Turn Back Time' and everything. She just nods and smiles, but when she don't like the looks of 'em, she'll zap 'em with a real  lose runny case of  diahrrhea. Hey, being 'Witness-to-the Ages' doesn't necessarily give somebody an evolved sense of humor.

Now Laila was still all broken up over seeing her father and all. She is not about to give him up. She won't forget her family. But a true vision is a powerful thing. Renate, of course, understands this. So she hugs her and they 'crackle' through the air, all the way into the bedroom of some habitual husband poisoner...a real 'black widow', some sixty year old, paint-face bitch who makes a nice living stuffing tainted chunks a pickled herring down the pie-holes of her ninety year old bed partners. I don't know what they actually DO in bed. Pee the sheets is more like it.

So the hard looking thing wakes up, snorts a few times and lets rip with a fart before she realizes what's going on. Imagine, she got Cher and the girl from Slum Dog Millionaire standing there, in a shaft of moonlight,  right at the foot of her bed. Takes her a few seconds to get her teeth in. I think she's sixty eight and only says she's sixty. But by then, Laila's moved in close. And after Renate pokes and pinches her a few times, she opens her mouth, exposing the fangs. This sets the old bitch off. She starts yellin' and kickin' her rough, yellow-nailed, boney feet. Like one a them extreme boxers she was. Renate had to straddle her thighs and pinch her titties a few times to get her to stop. But I think almost swallowing her lower plate is what actually did it, 'cause she was about seventy five percent choked to death by the time Laila bit into her neck (more like where the neck meets the shoulder) and finished her off.

Granted, it was not pretty. But vampires aren't made for 'pretty.' They're made to cull the wicked. And Laila's first night as a professional was a resounding success. The next part, where she starts calling for her father and crying till  a whole bunch a snot came out her nose, a little less so.

Who knows? Perhaps one night she will catch up with him. Her father, I mean. But this night, the first night, Renate took her to this place to get her palms henna-ed and that sort of distracted her.

The life of an exotic vampirina....just like in the movies, right?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT---------

http://magicandtechnologythroughoutthesolarsystem.blogspot.com/

ELFIN BEGINNINGS AND A VAMPIRE'S PRAYERS

They hovered over her ancestral home, a rough, little stucco and brick villa adjacent to the ancient cathedral. She was able to fly on her own. It comes natural to certain life-eaters. Her father did not see her at first. He just sat there, pressed against one of the courtyard walls. She could tell he was praying. She could 'hear' his words and taste his fear. They checked her bed. They knew it was empty. He hated going to the police. Fraternizing with the Israelis made him more vulnerable to attack and the Armenian enclave was small and exposed as it is. She could see him trembling. She could hear the whimpers. And then she cried. His ears could not detect her sobs. She was too far away. But the Spirit of the Judean Zephyr was playful that darktime and a finger of the night breeze kissed her cheek, brushing away a dewy drop of sadness which fell down to the world below.

It hit her father's ear. He looked up and saw her tiny, broken face gazing down at him. He saw the heartfelt longing in her eyes. The rest of her, wrapped in chaste, dark cloth, blended into the empty sky. Her tragic features suspended in the void like illusions at a seance. But Roland sensed the dawn. He grabbed her arm and whispered - Come. We will face this truth tomorrow. She knew what he meant. The benevolent enchantment flowed through her. And her life-eater's eyes beheld the first pale glow of fire in the sky. She turned and followed him into the darkness.

Now new born vampires often feel remorse. They long for the old life and those left behind. Some try to go back. They tap at windows and sublimate through bedroom doors. Yet these desperate gestures only make things worse, causing madness, hysteria and death. But Laila did not know this. And that day, as she lay deep within the blackness of a crypt, her young girl's soul called out for redemption. Would it come? Perhaps, but not in the way she imagined...

But Roland loved her. He held her and tried to comfort her. For he too remembered pain. It's like that for the ones known as elves. And she clawed at her face and screamed as the skin peeled away from her flesh and a fiery hunger began to grow....

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

May you never know fear...May you never know pain...May you hide from death now and for forever..... (a new born vampire's prayer)

A VAMPIRINA TAKES HOMELESS PEOPLE TO ATLANTIC CITY ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFETS

Baylah climbed up out of the sea. Her companion's Margate beach house was untouched. Most of the Jersey Shore came through unscathed. The hurricane was over and all were safe. That's if you only look to the surface. Some are scarred by different storms. In the Atlantic city area they inhabit an underworld, seperated from our more secure stratta by two inches of  a specially treated, tropical lumber. ....'Under the Boardwalk, down by the sea...On a blanket with my baby is where I'll be'......But what they don't tell you is that the baby is only seven month old. You know how, in cartoons, they always sweep  dust under the rug? Well, they do it in the real world too. Look at the mole people inhabiting long forgotten, never used subway tunnels. And what about the 'bums' squatting under seaside promenades. You know the ones I mean, those guys down in the cool, damp shadows peekin' up your little, skirty-skirt through the boards. Yeah, it's cool and damp now, but come back in November. Then it's hell.

Baylah goes down to that world. She visits the 'damned,' distributing gifts and favors like a Heavenly redeemer. A drop of her life-preserving blood here. A wad of twenties there. Maybe some hand-held video games for the little, dirt-caked kiddies. Right now, tonight for instance, she's already saved two queens (homeless mothers) and a set of one eyed jacks (half blind winos. That's a full house.

Some nights she'll rent a room up topside in a presentable, but cheap, off  the main drag, little motel, so the people she rescues can take a hot shower and pick out some clean warm clothes from an assortment she throws out on the bed. Other times she'll 'cull' an especially noxious street dude preying on these perpetual campers, just so things  will be a little more peaceful.

None a the outdoor set ever let on that they spot her as a vampire. If they do, they keep it to themselves. She wants to start gettin' 'em jobs. You know, like head washers in beauty parlors or lawn mower pushers. Then maybe move up to real estate salespeople and clinical dieticians. Who knows? That's how she is. But the companion tells her to be careful, since , in reality, she is a somewhat feared and misunderstood supernatural creature herself. But I think he's afraid some mob might burn down his house. Watches too many Frankenstein movies, if you ask me. She asks him if it's all right for her to take some of the cleaned up ones to an all-you-can-eat buffet. He just grimaces and shudders. She takes that as an 'OK.'

Vampirinos and vampirinas can be so good hearted. You watch. She'll start doin' more. You wait. You'll see. Come back tomorrow night and I'll fill you in on what's goin' on with Laila and Roland. Her father is takin' it real bad.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

THANK YOU FOR THE COMMENTS. PLEASE KEEP IT UP AND DON'T BE AFRAID TO PROMOTE YOURSELF TOO. SHARE YOUR LINKS. TELL YOUR FRIENDS. SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT THAT EVOCATIVE PLACE WE CALL THE VAMPIRE WONDERLAND.

VAMPIRES DON'T TAKE DUMPS OR DRINK KOOL-AID

I'm guessing this will be a short post, mostly because I don't understand what's happening. They zap me through the ether like a rubber band. It must do something to my cellular make-up. But Papa says it's all right. No worse than stepping into an elevator on one floor and walking out some place else. It's not like I'm breaking through from one parallel universe to another. That's not it. He (Baylah too) just send me back and forth between Philadelphia, the Jersey Shore and the Holy City of Jerusalem. What can I tell you. Vampires just don't have the patience to bang things out on a keyboard. Doctor Franklin says they should get one of those set ups where you just speak and let the device transcribe it. He also claims to have visited a universe not far from here where they wear  tiny chips, little printed circuits, in their brains rendering everyone telepathic. They know who ate the last doughnut. They know who laid that fart, or who peed on the new ceramic tile floor instead of into the toilet. And none of the restaurants can have roaches, or waiters who 'play' with the food, 'cause they'd all know. He visits there with the help of certain delicate frequencies conjured up on his Great Armonica. Go back and look at some of our earlier post, like from the time when Jonathon was 'abducted' by the Anti-Enchantment-Bureau and they stripped him and probed him as he hung suspended in a vast, magnetic web (actually very good for the spine, or  so I;m told). And don't do like some readers did. They picked up a few clues from the text and went down to the old navy yard looking for camoflaged entrances to the underground facility.  The guys with the mirrored sunglasses don't like that. So unless you want to wind up a specimen locked in a glass box with like say the real Jersey Devil or some toothless, pancake-breasted old mermaid hag, stay on Delaware Avenue and don't turn into the site.

Brought back some of the 'contaminated' (in a good way) falafel balls from Jerusalem. Gonna feed 'em to a few real rotten bastids I know. Wanna see if it mellows them out a little. The Jerusalem vampire contingent says that it will. Yusef Islam (the artist formerly known as Cat Stevens) got me off pork. He says that as fellow Proclaimers of The Unity (single, indivisable Person of God) we should ingest only pure kosher/hallal nourishment. And it's cruel to slaughter hogs for food (one of the real reasons they eighty-sixed the pig meat), since the creature 'knows its own death.'....Cows and bulls, it seems. are too dumb, so I guess it's all right to take a bite out a the stoopid.

Baylah's back from her undersea adventure. Brought me this glittery, shiny belt decorated with shedded merfolk scales. Very opalescent, but where the hell could I possibly wear something like that?. I don't know. I guess I just gotta stop being so self-limiting. She's been playing Vampire Poker again too. Helped some really nice deserving people this time. She truly makes a difference, that one does. Baylah's a 'micro' like Papa. You know --- brighten the corner where you are. The Jerusalem contingent is what would be called 'macros.' They want to remake the whole world. Trouble is, the world likes being a scraggly, wrinkly, spiritually flabby, belching slob. I don't know.  Sometimes I think this planet gotta get dipped....

This has been me...wilkravitz. Please leave some comments. Please tell your friends. My vampire buddies are swell, but every so often I crave dialogue with plain old  pimply skinned mortals...the kind who still know what it is to take a dump...or mindlessly chug a huge, frosty pitcher a kool-aid on a hot  sweaty summer day.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, LITTLE VAMPIRINA GIRL

So Laila Kardashian became a nubile, 'young' vampirina on a narrow, old cobbled lane, deep within the maze that is the walled city of Jerusalem. She is what the Philadelphia contingent (and many other 'chains' as well) call an elf. That is because her pubescent hormones are potent. The mortal spice filling her cells is hard to kill. So her ears will continue to grow for a bit, hence the pointy appearance. Fingers continue to lengthen too and her face will aquire an attractive , somewhat angular look. The fangs are needle-like and not at all that long.

Elves are not a particularly blood thirsty lot. Victims are rarely drained to the point of death. They make do with a plethora of quick, short drinks, flitting about like mosquitos. That's right...flitting. didn't we review this last night? I cannot remember. Perhaps we merely mentioned it on Twitter? But the 'young' ones, the elves and cherubs, can fly. The magic settles differently on them. Adult vampires tend to sublimate through the physical universe. That's how they pass from point to point. A few have attempted flight and some of the particularly old ones can, if pressed, take to the air. But it's not their thing. They stick to the sublimation.

What's his name...Roland, I think it is, just demonstrated a take off. She laughed. She giggled. That Laila girl thinks it's funny. but she likes her new cheek bones though. He took her back into this little stucco courtyard and did a simple take off again. She sort of got it right this time.

Elves are adept at taking off from secluded locations. They usually rise straight up into the sky, often behind tall buildings. You know how it is. Prying human eyes and all that. Dark clothing helps camoflage their nightly jaunts. And yes, they have shown up on You Tube, but most people chalk it up to some kind of computer generated magic instead of ascribing it to the genuine variety. Look at her. I think she's figured it out. A regular Wendy, that one is. Get a load of her smile. She loves it. But, uh oh, they sped over her house. She saw it. She looked down. Roland caught her. He grabbed her just in time. She didn't fall, but it was close, because she saw her worried father just as he looked up.

Severed ties destroy some new born vampires. Some try to live in both worlds. But the outcome is never good. So he took her to a cozy crypt outside the Ottoman wall and held her as she rocked and moaned and cried......

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

also...if you like http://amymahvampire.blogspot.com/   you'll enjoy my literate, adult take on the genre

TUNA FISH SANDWICH WITH A VAMPIRE BUDDY

Papa sits out back of the Chestnut Hill house with Edith. She came back. It's not that she doesn't return to The Pines every few weeks. They're only forty miles away. But she feels things. She knows. So she sits there eating her tuna fish sandwich on whole wheat bread. She sips her sweet tea (her South Jersey, Piney home is more like Dixie than anywhere else. they even grow yucca palms outside shore houses near the coast) and talks. Her twenty eight thousand year old dinner partner nods. They get along really well. If you looked at them, you'd take her for his aunt or something. He appears to be about thirty two or thirty three years old. That's how many human years he had when they brought him over. So he does not partake of any mortal nourishment. His 'meal' consists of a 'sea grass' aroma candle. If you read this on a regular basis, you know how much store the vampires set on fancy smells. Edith or one of the Red Paint people who came back with her (two older men), pick them up for him at the Target, or CVS.

What? You want to know who else is in the house? Well, let's see. They got a few 'elves' (children on the cusp of puberty) runnin' round, plus a flock a 'cherubs' (new born to toddler vampires) flyin' all over the place. They ain't got no wings, but that don't stop 'em from flitting 'round real good. Elves is good fliers too. The older vampires not so much. One a the elves, Roland, I think it is, went over to the Holy Land to help bring peace, love annd brotherhood to the world. Papa 'transported' him, otherwise he'd a have to hitch a ride on a whale. Actually, they sink their teeth into the hide. That's how vampires, I mean life-eaters cross the sea. But this elf didn't want to go that way, so Papa just went boink and shot him right over there. He disappeared on Glengary Road (Their street in Chestnut Hill) and fizzled into existance on a busy  corner  one evening near The Western Wall of the ancient Temple Mount.

Papa helps the contingent they got over in Israel and Ishmael (his name for the Palestinian areas in what used to be Transjordan). But when you get down to it, he takes a more micro view a things. Sure, he wants  to improve humanity, only in his heart he likes to do it one son of a bitch at a time. Yes, he did 'broadcast' that 'I am the Unity' dream to about six hundred million mortals. But he only did it because his son, his vampire son, Jonathon wanted it. Not that the spruce. little, thosand year old Andalucian ever said anything. A father just knows.

Doctor Franklin is comin' over in a bit. I think Papa plans to take him out to visit the manta ray people on Europa (Jupiter's largest water world...for real). They swim around spoutin' advanced philosophies and all. That's a thing Papa does. Takin' his friends out to meet 'em, I mean.

Oh, come on! I can't believe you are askin' that. You know who I am, or at least the regulars do. It's me. It's Zebulon, your faithful disembodied spirit. And you will have to excuse me. But I wanna float over to that all-you-can-eat Golden Corral place they got runnin' 'round on Route 309. All that chompin' and slurpin' goin' on makes me feel like I'm eatin' that stuff. Annd sometimmes I do miss the sensation.

Oh, yeah, before I forget. Baylah is playin' vampire poker tonight. It's her way a helpin' them poor folk they got bunkin' under the Boardwalk pull things back together after the hurricane and all. She is a regular Atlantic City Angel, that one is.....Google VAMPIREWONDERLAND  and the keyword VAMPIRE POKER. You'll find out what it means. Now lemme go get me some crunchy little pieces a  that tasty popcorn shrimp.