WHAT SOME VAMPIRES ACTUALLY DO

Not every night is a barn burner. 'Save the drama for your mama' is more like it. Immortal beings move through time in slow motion. What's a month to them, or even a decade? There's a vampirino in PARIS who's been frequenting the same cafe for two hundred years. Every night he orders the same meal, a Provincal pot-a-feu (pardon my french). The silently judgemental waiters bring it, slam it down upon the table and watch from behind the COFFEE BAR, as 'Mister Midnight' proceeds to cut it up into tiny morsels and feed it to his well mannered, little doggie (a nicely groomed, but absinthe riddled, cross-eyed Pomeranian). I do  not know if he's had the same dog all this time. A talented life-eater could arrange that. But I just do not know.


Papa has taken to public nudity. He wanders the dark, narrow byways 'sans coulottes ' as the CoCo Chanel's and Maurice Chevalier's say. Then, as soon as someone sees him, he flickers out of the ether, only to re-appear someplace else. One local, weekly, urbane publication has begun calling him THE 'MOON' MAN.'  They say he's even on YOU TUBE. Jimmy Kimmel showed a shot the other night, but I missed it.


Annie has been giving 'sonny-boy' ,Conrad, the grand tour. Shows him all the mummies. Takes him to sleep with the polar bears deep within their fake stone, fiberglass, caves. She likes the zoo. Hasn't gotten him to bite off any strange toes yet, but she will. 


Sarah does what she's always done. She heals the poor. Visits hospitals and clinics doling out tiny, glass vials of her restorative blood. Doctors hate her, especially when she helps those with adequate 'fee for service' coverage. Tomas occasionally tags along. After all, she got the idea from him. But our trim, 'young' Spaniard more often than not, enjoys summer evenings spent in the company of his wide-eyed, Mole Girl groupies. He lures the nubile, sweet things up from their below-the subway-tunnels depths for sensual encounters in fine hotels amidst smooth, cool sheets and spa-like showers. Does he bite them? Of course, but not fatally. 'Tastes them' would be more like it.


That's the way it is. The moon comes up. The moon goes down. And night-folk stalk this fine, old town.


Sure, things come to a head, sometimes..... but only sometimes. 


It's a nice way to live...... Well, you know what I mean.....


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ZOMBIE KILLERS STALK FAIRMOUNT PARK???

MORE ON ABRAHAM LINCOLN AND THE VAMPIRES LATER. ........ Tomas didn't think much of Conrad. Papa didn't either. None of them did. Still, it was better to have a new team mate than an old adversary. The dogs are a nuisance though. Three people were seriously bitten last night alone. They're lose. They're smart and they're hungry. Two of the chebubs found them loping through Fairmount Park. I guess they were hunting for bums. Lot a places to hide in eight thousand acres.... some caves....old, forgotten shacks. Much of it is old, original growth, woodland...... Dogs treed a bobcat and were trying to drag it down. Some old homeless guy peeked out from the bushes to watch. But the big one, Red Eye, seen him. And you know how predators are when they fixate on something. Forgot about the mini-tiger real fast. Just turned, focused, and moved right in.  Rest of 'em followed. Old guy backs away. Runs into a big oil drum  parks crew was using for liter. Tips it over and climbs under, like a urban hermit crab with a new shell..... Two heartbeats later, dogs is on him, growling and scratching and bangin' into it. He screamin' and trying to hold it down. This goes on for like ten minutes. He 'bout ready to have a hearty-tack.....and then it gets real quiet. No noise. Just his breath echoing 'round in the dank, metal can. That's when the diggin' starts. Pack got him pinned up against a big boulder. He caught like in a little crevice, or something. Can't see nothing. Can't move nowheres. All alone, right in the middle of an almost forest primeval, 'cept it's surrounded by millions of people.


You see, dogs is clever. They can do stuff. They can solve things. They can kill people. You lock a dog inside wit' its dead master and that ass flesh gonna get ripped off real fast. Nothin' personal. No disrespect intended. They just hungry. Dogs is practical. And tunnelin' the way to go. 


Old guy start yellin' - No! No! No! No! No! But this group used to hand signals. They like a good 'snap.' He can yodel all he want. Ain't gone do no good, 'specially after that big one grab hold a his ankle. Start pullin' him out. Leg all scraped up. But that OK.  For dogs.... blood like gravy.


One go for the cheeks. One like the belly. Bitch tear in a his privates. Cherubs try dive bombin' in to scare 'em off, but they jumpin up and snappin' at cherubs too. Fat, little, flyin' vampire baby like a can a peas to them.


'Bout a hundred and forty heartbeats later it all over. He mostly dead. Leg meat gone. Arm meat gone. Guts all permanently ruined. Look like zombie do it. That what the paper say----- ZOMBIE KILLER STALKS FAIRMOUNT PARK.


But Papa and Tomas and Sarah and all the rest know different. 


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psst! GO TO THE POST RIGHT UNDER THIS AND CLICK ON IT --- secrets, spells, naked girls in pits in the sub-basement, fear

I'm dizzy from lack of sleep, but I found a good specimen and tacked it up for you. Even cleaned it up a little too... So please do like the title says ----- go down one space and click on it.

vampire wonderland: DANGEROUS LIFE-EATER SECRETS SHARED ON A QUIET SIN...

vampire wonderland: DANGEROUS LIFE-EATER SECRETS SHARED ON A QUIET SIN...: They all went out. Papa took Jonathon and Sarah to the Jersey Shore. I guess they're at Baylah's boyfriend's beach house. She runs back and...

BAYLAH, a vampire, KNOWS ALL ABOUT ABRAHAM LINCOLN

Sometimes she start talkin' real fast. And her voice change. She lose that Philadelphia accent and fall back to what she had in Old Mali..... very clipped, real precise. You know how that model, the one who like a hit girl in head wit' telephone sound? .....No, not her. Mister Never-You-Mind is a bit confused. I mean the one what married to Ziggy Stardust. Imam, I think they call her. She talk that way.....Africa talk, nice talk, if you know what the word mean. She still make English words, but she say 'em Old Mali style. That how I know she excited. 


Abraham Lincoln don't kill no vampire. He not even  KNOW vampire til they get him in the White House. That when his wife (she very fat woman...don't you think?) start eatin' ice cream and doin' voo-doo and hula-hula dances. Missionaries bring 'em back from Lahaina, or whatever they call that town they got on the Big Island. Mrs. Wife-of-Lincoln wanna talk to little boy. He dead. He STILL dead, but back then he just gettin' used to it. So she make 'spooky' party...lot a spooky party, in a WHITE HOUSE. Send soldier to bring back talk-to-dead lady. (lady not dead. she just know how to talk to 'em.) So they all hold hands and go 'wooo-wooo-wooo,' like they moanin', or gettin' tickled the wrong way. President lock a door. He not want president-helpers to think he crazy.


Little dead boy (he president's son) don't come back. Talk-to-dead lady say he must be busy. Mrs. Wife-of-Lincoln find this extremely hard to believe, 'cause he always very, very lazy boy. So she say - Hey, what are you, a crook?.............Talk-to-Dead lady say - I no crook! You jus' wanna make trouble....... President Lincoln jus' sit there. He doan say nuthin', 'cause them what do for him already think he got bubbles in the think-tank.


White House maid bring in cool drink. Prob'ly Kool-Aid. Not 'cause she so worried people thirsty and all. She jus' wanna see what goin' on. President say - We got any pineapple? She say - No, jus' cherry...... He drink it anyway. He drink a lot a beer too. Once he peed on a floor a the Lincoln Bedroom. But room not so famous then, so it mostly OK.


Never actually meet vampire that first time. Saw one walk past open door, but never talk to him. 


Next time he do talk to him. That the beginning....... You gotta keep an open mind.


Still got vampire runnin' 'round that White House. Still doin' it today. 


You gotta keep an open mind. Come-sea. Come sah...


Man, how 'bout that God damn asteroid almost hit us and all?....... What the president goan do bout that?????


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'BUTT SNIFFING TIME' AT A VAMPIRE POW WOW

They finally all  got together at the museum. Not the Penn Museum, the Mutter Museum. Vampires seem to like the macabre, nineteenth century atmosphere, deformed, salt-cured heads in thick, glass, jar-like vessels, frightening, antique surgical devices, creaking wooden floors. They say, at one time two vampire brothers actually worked as night watchmen at the place. The story has it they were originally conjoined twins, converted to the 'night shift' as a 'two-fer' . One came willing. The other was a draftee. Chewed through the gristle connecting them soon as the fangs came in. But they're not part of this narrative. You gotta read the screenplay for that.


Baylah found a few old, rickety, wooden folding chairs in some storage closet and put 'em up in a little circle. At one time, they used to meet up there a lot. There's a spot on the mezzanine, right by the Chaing and Eng exhibit.... a life cast taken from the naked bodies of the original 'Siamese Twins.' Got a preserved specimen of a rubbery, two headed, pickled, white baby up there too. Kinda look like the Olsen Twins.


Guys they got watchin' the place now know they all vampires. But they get paid off, so it's all right. Tomas there, Sarah, even Annie and Papa. Elves don't come. They do their own thing. The new one, Annie's little baby, Conrad, there too. He settin' right in the middle.


Nobody say nothin'. Just go up one at a time and sniff him up real good. Vampires does that when they want a find out shit. Or they can lick a face. Sometimes they does that too. Later, when and if they all become 'family,' there might be a little mutual blood tastin's, but not tonight. 


Papa just sit there makin' like he readin' People Magazine. All of a sudden he so interested in Kate Middleton, don't you know. Annie crackin' her gum and shakin' her knees up and down. She real proud a herself. Think she a 'mommy' now. Wanna know if she get a give him a different name. Wanna call him 'Stackhouse,' or 'Barry.' Conrad, her new, (though he probably 'bout thirty) baby, don't say nuthin'. He just make like he real interested in a three-eyed-Pocahontas lookin' out from a big, ole head jar.....like a American Indian gal in an old fifty's space helmet, what left the rest a her body at home.


Jonathon (I mean Tomas) wanna ast him 'bout 'The Brotherhood,'.....wanna know all about them Saint Shamus people and all. But Sarah say that not polite, seein' as he is most likely all discombobulated what with crossin' over into Vampire Town and all. So they just sits there waiting for Stackhouse, I mean Conrad to say somethin'. 


Baylah light a new aroma candle and put it down on the floor. Watchman guy run over an' slip a little plate under it. He fussy, but he OK. Vampires like a good aroma candle. They like candy. Sometime they sit around holdin' a bitty one like it tomato juice, or somethin'.


Papa look up at the ceiling. He yawn. After 28,ooo years, he STILL ain't got 'nuf sleep. Annie lean over. She pinch Conrad. She pinch him real hard...right in the butt. He jus' give her a look and scootch over a little. 


You know how kids is when you want 'em to show off.


So Baylah ast if anybody hear bout ABRAHAM LINCOLN~VAMPIRE KILLER..... But nobody say nothin,' so she say she gonna tell 'em the real story.


Come back tomorrow and I tell you what she said.


Tomas mumble somethin' in Spanish, but I don't know no Ricky Ricardo talk. Mister Never-You-Mind jus' know English, plus a little bit a New Orleans patois. 


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VAMPIRES, CHERUBS and ELVES..Oh MY!~~~ some more nighttime magic in revealed

Annie and Conrad (the former, not-quite monk) checked out of the hotel on JFK Boulevard 'vampire style.' That means they sublimated through the wall of the lobby without paying the bill. He couldn't sublimate yet, but she could. So they did this thing where he hugs onto her real tight and gets wrapped up in the energy emitted by her body. Then they sublimated into some sporting goods store and stole new sneakers. Annie likes Nike for kids. Conrad prefers 'Chuckies.' ---- monastic simplicity and all that. After, they sorta kinda killed a schizophrenic wino, 'cause he won't give 'em no little taste. Vampires can tolerate alcohol, don't you know. Annie claims the blood of diabetics tastes syrupy. She says there's all kinds a blood...pissy blood, beefy blood, asparagus blood, milk blood, shitty blood and fishy blood. More too, but I forget the rest. 


Conrad says he's starting to hear voices. Annie tells him it's just the others. They can probably pick him up now and want to feel him out. Everything is so different in Philadelphia now. For a long time there was just Tomas, or Jonathon, or whatever you want to call him and Baylah. That lasted for like two hundred and forty years. Bob came along in the nineteen twenties, but he's dead. Luna stays with Doctor Franklin, so she don't count and Blackie and Minnie mostly keep to themselves. 


Vampires are by nature very non-confrontational. They're quiet. They hide. They fit in. It's only in fiction, like on TV and all, that they have them nostril flaring battles and cat fights. You saw how Annie handled things? You saw what she did to Conrad. She converted him. Gave him a taste (not of the blood...of the magic). Got him hooked and reeled him in. That's what usually happens. Van Helsing my eye. All Dracula gotta do is dip him in some magic, some REAL MAGIC, I mean, and that dude not gonna be so eager to mutilate corpses. Well, 'almost' corpses, I mean. You know... vampires.


Please know I'm talking 'bout 'our kind' a life-eater. Them 'noxious' bastids is something else. And excuse me for leaving out the elves and cherubs. But I don't like to speak for them. Remember what we told you last night... about magic and all? Well, I'm gonna tell you some more.


Magic is energy...sentient energy. It's got a mind. It can think. It can feel things. I don't know who started it. I don't know where it came from. Don't go asking me that. But it's there and it's real. 


Powerful vampires are the ones who can talk to it. They purr. They ask it things. That's how Papa gets it to string people up over the roiling surface of the sun. Annie too. She gets it from him. He is her 'daddy' after all.


You may be able to do a little bit of this. Let me give you an example. Ever walk by a street light that goes dark? Ever have a furry, little, golden honey bee hover right in front a your face,  just like it trying to tell you something? Ever scared like you ain't gonna make it inside to pee... like you're gonna wet yourself, but then at the last second you ain't gotta take no leak no more?...... Well, that's magic.... Little stuff...Mortal stuff, but still magic. Some people, like witches, or political power brokers get good at it. But mostly it sticks to unusual folk, like vampires, or butterfly-vixens, or them fishy-tailed people, or elves and all. Some other types too. But I don't wanna get into them. 


It gonna get light soon. Did I ever tell you how vampires hate these short, summer nights? No, wait a minute. I think I did. She gotta find him where to sleep. Conrad, I mean.  Annie wanna be on her own now. She wanna be her own boss. Papa know. He indulgin' her. 


Bet she gonna take him to The Penn Museum. Bet they gonna fly over to Thirty Third Street. She best friends wit' them old, waxy, dried up mummies. Some got ghosts livin' in they bellies. They whisper. They giggle. Annie like that. She don't get them Coptic words, but vampire don't gotta. You see, truth is something else.....


It rained again tonight. Streets is real wet and shiny. folks is all up inside they whoop-dee-doo co-ops and condominiums. They sleepin'..... mostly. They snorin'. They fartin'. They droolin' all over them forty eight dollar, fancy, sea isle cotton pillow slips. Few just died a strokes, or some other kind a shit. Some is watchin' info-mercials. Some be playin' nasty. Don't nobody even guess that down on the street a stringy haired, little white girl and a skinny guy all dressed in black be two 'juvenated, walking corpses. don't nobody even care. 


Couple doormen see 'em go by. But doormen see a lot a things...


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