Sunday, May 13, 2012


I'm probably like seven or eight years old now. I don't know. 'Papa' says I was six years old when he made me.  But funny monsters were always tryin' to scare me. Edith thinks I was always like this. She says I'm an old soul... like Old King Cole... No, he was a merry old soul. I guess that means  he was like Santa Claus. I ain't never seen no Santa Claus. Saw a dead one once. But they told me he was only one of the 'helpers.' Saw him laying on a whole bunch a shitty stuff back a the Lord & Taylor department store. Guess his elves couldn't do nothin'. The one I saw got hisself all shot up. One bullet went inside like where one of his titties was. The other broke through to the inside of his head. He wasn't actually all the way dead when I saw him. But Papa felt sorry, so he bent down and did the vampire thing. Five heartbeats later, the completely dead Santa Claus went 'whoosh!' Then he shot up into blue fires and disappeared. Ain't nobody seen it, 'cause we was out real late. All he left was some fake teeth . I thought they were like snapping clam things. You know, like what Spanish ladies dance with. But Papa wouldn't let me keep 'em. Said they were dirty, so he kicked 'em down the sewer and took me home. That was when we was living on Glengary Road. I liked that house. It was big. It was in Chestnut Hill. There was a kid next door. I used to like her. She couldn't do no magic vampire shit, but I used to play with her. Not when it was daytime. Like for sleep-overs and shit. Her mom fed her shitty pizza. I don't eat no pizza, but I still knew that was bad. Do you think I say 'shit' too much? Tomas does. He gets mad when I say it. Then he starts talkin' some oingo-boingo talk real fast. I think it's Spanish. But I only talk this talk. Papa talks to me all kind a crazy ways. But I tell him - Go to hell, you crazy bitch you. I don't know what you're sayin'!....... Then he just sits down, makes like I'm invisible and starts reading something.

We gonna go live with the mole people. It's safer down there. They live in like these tunnels down under where the subway goes. It's a secret. Nobody knows. Some cops know. They used to creep down and kick all the people out sometimes. But now we give 'em money, so they leave us alone. Sarah don't like it. But she  does it 'cause Tomas tells her. They vampires. Everybody I mostly tells you about is vampires. Edith ain't no vampire though. She just a fat, old lady from New Jersey who knows how to do 
spooky stuff. Sometimes she scares me. I tell her to go to hell. 

They got all kind a hidey-holes down them tunnels. We get water, like for washin' and all, from these old pipes. The humans make some kind a stew outta cooked rats. I like to watch 'em make it, but I can't eat none. Sometimes I  bite off somebody's toe though. But I never swallow it. I don't do it for food. I just do it for fun.

See, the best thing 'bout livin' with them mole people is we don't have to go sleep in the daytime, 'cause down there, there ain't no daytime. So I can play and play and play. Hide and seek's my favorite. Two  times I found these old, brown skeletons. But they don't dance around like the ones in cartoons (we steal 'lectricity from old wires). The kind I find just lay there and smile.

I like the dark. Two days (or nights...I don't know) from now, I gonna go kill somebody. That's how I get food. And Papa says I'm what you call a big eater.

Know what my favorite song is?.... It's The Teddy Bears Picnic..... When you go out on the streets tonight, you're in for a big surprise. I learned it from Tomas. He likes to whistle it all the time.

Look, I gotta go now. Aura and Sylvia (they two mole ladies) need me to help them shave they legs. I think one a them  got killed once. But this is another lady what got the same name.

They got a lot a crazy shit like that down here....... Whoops! I said it again.... tee-hee-hee......


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