Thursday, January 26, 2012

These are the days of EL RANCHO TEXACO ..... Stinker Jones

So Zeb and Miz India stood there, all decked out like pigs at a stock show. She had on her best sequinned gown, all the way from Las Vegas, Nevada. He sported a more subdued look. Historians might call it 'Elvis meets Mad Men' circa 2150. But the boots were local. Hand tooled by a bunch a all cripped-up, Tuva-Tuva craftsmen. I don't know what kind a hides they was. Look a little bit human, but I don't think he'd do that. Stiffened a little (both of 'em) when the doorbell rang. Ole Effie, the Tuva-Tuva housekeeper went over to open it up. They don't keep no big staff over here at the 'Hide Away.' Who wants witnesses? You know what I mean?  And before the old native woman had a chance to mangle his name (she got a real bad Canyon accent), the robust personage, known as Stinker Jones, waddled hisself in and smacked his fat ass down into one a Miz India's prized, antique, Zsa-Zsa Gabor Era frou-frou vestabule chairs. Supposedly the last two left this side a the asteroid belt. She could hear 'em creakin'. Man, were her teef grindin'. 

Stinker spoke. He said - Why you make me drag myself out here!? Everybody in town know where this place is, everybody who count, anyway. And he fanned his puffy jowls with  a brand new,butter-cream Stetson, even though the air-conditioning kept all them gaseous molecules at a comfortable sixty-eight degrees.

Zeb made 'fast eyes' at  OleEffie and she run off to fetch a cold drink. Nothin' fancy. Just a lot a ice wit bunch a rot gut poured down on it. The roly-poly bastid don't know no better. Why waste the good stuff, right? 

'Sides, everybody know better than to let 'Stinker' get too flustered, 'cause a what he might do. So allow me to drip some smarts on y'all. In his younger days, he had a touch a the sugah. They told him to do them stem cells. But he too smart. Don't want to pay the mercenary bastids in Barsoom. So he find a cut rate doc (oh, he got a license and all) way out in Rodenberry. You know where I mean? And the guy does manage to patch him up. 'Cept there was a slight hinky-doo in the laboratory and Stinker got hisself juiced up with skunk cells. Doc did vet work on the side too, you know. And after he has his guys shoot the bastid (don't worry. not to torture him. just to finish him off and learn him a lesson), somebody's brother-in-law back in Barsoom hook him up wit a doc who does the job right. So now he ain't 'zackly tetched wit the sugah. But he does release a might powerful stink when he get a wild hair up his ass. Once had a fumigate the grand ballroom a the Green Clover Hotel, jus 'cause a certain coltish debutante ain't wanna dance wit him. You shoulda seed what it did to her hair. Not to mention she was blind in one eye for a week. Twitched a bit for a few months too. 

That why Miz India don't say nothin'. That why she put that grimmace-passin'-for-a-smile on her face and kiss his greasy cheek like she do. Lemme tell yah, them other cheeks woulda got kissed too, if he ast, considerin' the offer he 'bout to make. 

You see, Stinker Jones runs this place. And he 'bout to buy hisself a new toy soldier...a real glossy, fancy one, named Zebulon Vance Texaco.

So Miz India gonna be a senator's lady after all. Old Man Hobart gonna be happy (he Zeb's pa). All the folks out by Polvarosa gone be happy. Hell, all a Mars gone be happy.

All a Mars what ain't Tuva - Tuva, I mean. 

Ole Effie knows. That why she spit in the'taiters.


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