Thursday, August 16, 2012


'Fore we take you all back to what's gone on over Madam Shang's way, lemme learn you 'bout some cowboy 'vampirin'' they got goin' on. I hate that word. But I used it 'cause it's what you know. Some a the tribes calls 'em 'red riders.' I  do not know exactly what that signifies in their cosmology. I ain't never had much truck with their great mystics and all. Ain't never had much truck with no preachin', period. Like to make it up as I go 'long. Figure if it feels all right to me walkin' 'cross Monument Valley out in the dark with The Milky Way ridin' shotgun then God prob'ly gonna say - Run wit' it, boy. You know what I mean.

Used to run cattle on a spread by Santa Fe. Some was Longhorns, but most was Santa Gertrudus. Pretty country too. Like penny postcard 'wild west.' High Chaparal . Sangre de Cristo mountains in the background. All them 'picturesque' (I guess they call it) Spanish style ranch houses. They got art folks livin' there today. One's a Jew. The other talks Polish. I visit. I set with 'em once in a while. We get drunk. They ask questions. Look, I know you know how vampires can tolerate  hard alcohol ('cause it ain't no natural food), so we ain't gotta go into that.

I been night-ridin' since '88. Eighteen eighty eight, I mean. Not too old by life-eater standards, but I seen plenty, just the same. Hootchie Woman wit' a medicine show what done it to me. She come out and dance 'tween these two torches on the back a the wagon. Face painted up all orange. Eyebrows all black and all. Part a her left breast kep' lookin' outta the bodice..... what she wore 'round her body and all.  You know what I mean. 

She say - Come up here, cowboy. I wanna dance wit' you. Ev'rybody say - Yeah, get up there. Show her what you got. So me, bein' partially all gin-lickered up and all, climbs up on to that little stage and commence to slow steppin' all 'round her. Kind a like 'Cotton-Eyed Joe,' but not kind a like 'Cotton-Eyed Joe.' You know, Western Dancin' is a real beautiful and versatile art. 

She grab hold a me. Start kissin' on me. I figure she partial to hicky-fyin' folks. I don't know. You see, we the entertainment. We what keeps 'em lookin' while that 'Doctor' fella sells 'em his rot gut. But I think he wern't no real doctor. I think the part he like best is the part where you sees folks naked and all...... 

I already had forty two years on me back then. Just a rangy, ole, weather beaten cowboy. 

But she stick her tongue in my malf and soon I start gettin' little bit younger. Now I know she bit it. Now I know she had blood on it. I kiss her all up. See what she got down that bodice. Lady say - You can't do that! I got my daughter here!...... Fella say - Why? You want he should do it to her first?..... People start laughin' and laughin'. 

Doctor fella slip me a drink a whiskey. Only he say to the rubes that it his special rot gut. He say - Look what it do to his face! Look how it young-ifying this God damned bastard's ole body! 

Lady start hollerin' how come her daughter gotta hear all this. But her daughter like 'bout a year and a half older'n me. So it really don't pose too much of a problem.

They selled fifty two bottles a shit water that night. I guess she could a put little bits a her blood in each and ev'ry one a them, but she didn't. Some vampires is sellfish that way. I go to hop off the wagon, but she grab me and whisper - No, I ain't done playin' 'round wit' you yet, cowboy. So you better git in that wagon.

Nex' thing I know, we playin' 'Nights in Samarkand' while doctor fella countin' all the money.

I never did go back to them cattle. That vampire gal wer't all the cow I need.

So do they got cowboy vampires?..... Hell, yeah, they do.

Y'all wanna do the two-step? heh, heh, heh, heh, heh...

Now I go by 'Medicine Man.' 'Cause some folks dies... but other folk get a whole lot better.

Hey, good lookin', what you got cookin'? How 'bout cookin' somethin' up wit' me?

Route 66? Hollywood? Hell, I do 'em all...

I'll come back. You gone get to know me real good... And I gonna git a know you even better...

shhhhhh.....(hope you ain't ticklish)


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