Tuesday, December 17, 2013

NOW WE'RE A BIGGER AND EVEN MORE NEUROTIC VAMPIRE FAMILY..... 12/17/13

No disembodied spirit narrator tonight. It's just me, wilkravitz. I started typing my name that way years ago when they made me start this, but by now you know I'm 'Billy.' OK, no more 'wilkravitz.' I'll say 'Billy.' They're fighting. They're all fighting. Conrad wants to be a comedy writer. Jonathon, or Tomas, or whatever you want to call him almost had a stroke. He goes - You stupid, stupid, stupid son of ah beech.....You know how his accent comes out when he gets mad. Three hundred and thirty years in this country and still sounds like Ricky Ricardo. No, not Ricky Ricardo. Like that swordsman guy Mandy Patinkin played in The Princess Bride. Similar haircut too, only shaped better. 

Conrad sent jokes into Jimmy Fallon. They got a format. there's a way they package them. He googled it. I didn't type it up for him. Maybe Leo did. I don't know. They were jokes about The Sound of Music. Conrad loves The Sound of Music. Von Trapp Family versus Jackson Family on Family Feud. More like a bit. More like a sketch than jokes. Fallon's the host. Von Trapp kids all like eighty three years old. Still got them little sailor suits.  Jacksons all got Jerri Curls. Von  Trapps keep callin' Fallon ' Fraulein Maria, 'cause they're senile. Every time they give a bad answer they start shaking and goin' - You're not gonna call Hitler are you?... I don't know what the Jacksons said. Never saw those pages. 

But some woman emailed him. Asked for more material. He arranged to meet her too. A dinner meeting in New York. Figured he'd rent a windowless panel van, or something and ride up in the back. Tomas goes - You stupid! stupid! son of a beech! What if she hire you!? What if she give you a job?! How you gonna make a pee pee? How you gonna take a urine test!? You think about THAT, you dumb bastard!? How you gonna go to work? Go! Go! They raise a window shade, you go 'poof.' You die. That'll be it... Leo starts clapping. Conrad bangs his fist on the table. Baylah was there and she says - Look, Conrad, if you want to do a set, come to the piano bar. I'll fix it up..... He sniffs and goes - Really??... Tomas rattles off something in Old Vahmperigo. Sounds a lot like Catalan. Like that kind a Spanish. Like Spanish mixed with French. Then he goes - I'm not feeling well. I'm light headed... and he storms out. Grabs his leather jacket and storms out. ... Everybody looks. The elferinos and elferinas don't know what to say, being new here and all. Baylah sighs. Conrad whines. Edith says - He ain't gone no where, 'cause he ain't got them 'bootkins' on. What, he's gonna walk around in socks all night? (gestures out toward the street) They don't know he's a vampire? They're gonna know he's crazy?..... Then she looks at Conrad and goes - Conrad, you got 'buyer's remorse.'  I'm not a life-eater. I'm not a vampire, but I know, 'cause I listen and I hear a lot and I'm smart..... Leo goes - Yeah, and you're a witch too.... Edith says - Alright, I'm a witch too, but that's not what this is about..... Nobody says anything. Conrad starts rocking back and forth like he's on the continuum. Look, this is a common thing. Vampires get that way. New ones, I mean. They see things. The Holidays come around. They hear music. They smell something. You know how important 'smell' is to them? And they remember. They remember 'before.' They remember the daylight. 'Daylight fever' it's called. And he's got it. Baylah knows. Tomas knows too. Look, he gets crazy. You know that. Conrad 'll go with Baylah. He'll do some comedy. The stuff he sent to Jimmy Fallon isn't all he has. OK, he'll have to read it out of a black and white composition book, but that could be like his 'thing.' Let him get it out of his system. Maybe he'll be the world's first openly night-folk comic? Carson Daly'd have him. Can you imagine what Chelsea Handler and Andy Cohen would do with him? They tried to tell humanity about all that vampire crap before. I mean 'all' of humanity. Not just a few 'familiars' and some cops who run interference, but everybody.

I wish Sarah was here, but she went out. Had to buy underwear for the elferinos and elferinas. They didn't have any. Didn't know about it. Three hundred years and no tightie-whities. Can you imagine? Sounds like a novel . It's Christmas time. A lot a vampires shop now. Stores stay open. They never close.  And it's winter.

Everybody looks dead...

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