Friday, December 13, 2013


I speak as it happens. or rather I think it. wilkravitz sits in the townhouse kitchen, half asleep over the wide, granite island and types it in. No one else, other than Edith, is home. Sarah is off curing orphans and old people. I think Leo and Conrad went to The SugarHouse Casino. They're hooked on video poker. One of our 'familiars' meets them at the entrance. He gives them five hundred dollars. That's enough. Long lived creatures like me have deep coffers, but that's no excuse to squander it. And Leo swears he won't kill anyone. Might take a few bloody kisses. It's hard for vampires to pull back. The compulsion is so strong. But he can do it. I hope.  Conrad, I don't have to worry about. He's not even really like a vampire. He's more like a middle school, social studies teacher. I don't know. Maybe it's the pants. Edith says Dockers pants look schmucky on a vampire. He doesn't like to hear that. Claps his hands over his ears and rocks back and forth. Then he goes 'na--na na na na--na na na na--na na--na--na na na' like from that old 'Land Of a Thousand Dances' record..... And she sits there and yells - SCHMUCK! SCHMUCK! SCHMUCK!... He starts crying. She feels bad. You know she's not like that. Maybe it's living with vampires? I can only guess what we must be like. I'm gonna buy her a nice sweater. She likes sweaters. Maybe send her for a pedicure too. did you ever think you'd hear a vampire talk like this? But you know what? I'm glad I can talk like this. It keeps me sane. I'm only post-human after all.

But it's cold out here. The square is empty. Nobody coming out of the restaurants and bars. Most of them are closed. A few are open. It's freezing. Looks like a stage set. Everything appears exceptionally three dimensional. All the edges seem sharp and hard. I like the tiny bee lights. The trees look nice. But now I see them... two of them. One's all dapper in a suit and top coat. Apparently he likes trim leather boots too. The other one's big... a real big guy... beer belly... fleshy faced. He's not so dressed up. Got a gun in his pocket. They come around now for the 'protection' money. Right after closing, that's when they come. Tills are full. They know that. I hate them. They hurt people. They kill people. It's a joke. It's business. You know how we talk about the Jersey Pine Barrens? They plant people there. I can show you where too. But tonight, I, Tomas de Macabea, also known as Jonathon ben Macabi, gonna 'cull' the mortal herd a little. It's alright. I had a vision. 

So I start walking toward them. I'm real quiet at first. Don't make a sound. Night-folk thing. Easy trick. We can all do it. They don't turn around. Don't suspect a thing. Wouldn't make any difference if they did. Then I do that move where I scrape the sole of my bootkin against the cement a certain way so it makes sparks. I don't think mortals can do it, but vampires can. Has to do with speed and force. Fat guy looks over his shoulder and sees me. But he doesn't think anything of it. I look like some eighteen year old... a nice looking, stylish eighteen year old, but a kid. They keep going. Must be parked in the little alley. Cops won't bother them. Then I start whistling... Teddy Bears' Picnic... When you go out on the streets tonight, you're in for a big surprise..... I know that's not the real words, but that's how I think of it. 

Fat guy turns around and goes - Yo, asshole, you got a problem?..... Next thing he knows, I sublimate right through the air. To him it looks like I disappeared where I was and reappeared right in his face. Guy goes - Jesus Christ!... Reaches for his gun, but I crush his wrist and bite that fleshy, greasy, honker right off his face. Now he's gagging. Now he's crying. Dapper guy backs up against a building. Tries to sneak away. But he sees the whole thing. He sees me rip that flabby neck right open. Fat bastard trembles. Snot dripping out his Skeletor nose holes. Big piss stain blooming on the front of his pants. Eight heartbeats later he's dead. Dapper guy sees the body guard light up. Sees the blue flame. Sees him disappear. Like flash paper. They go up like flash paper. Big, lacy ashes float up into the air. Dapper guy makes like he gotta go somewhere. Like he's real nonchalant. Jus' gone 'round the corner. Jus' gone 'round the corner. But I go 'round with him and he dies in the shadows on a hard, icy street. 

Fat bastard's nose still lying on the sidewalk where I spit it. Pick it up with a napkin. Not a regular, cheap, supermarket napkin, but a big, heavyweight, creamy one from The Cheesecake Factory. Don't know how I got it, but I got it. Gonna send it to his family in case they want to have a funeral, or a luncheon, or something.

I know these events have not been related in my usual irresistible vampire cadence. But it's cold out here. And I'm not playing around.


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