Tuesday, January 21, 2014

AIN'T THAT AN AX IN THE HEAD?....... 1/21/14

It was cold. The streets were almost empty. Tomas liked it that way. He walked. He relaxed. Kevin was with him. You know, the first kid from that group he formed. El Junto Vampirido, I think he calls it. What was it, New Years Eve, or the night before New Years Eve when they started it. Think Skull and Bones, but for basically good kids. Tomas is the mentor. Patterns it on Doctor Franklin's Junto from seventeen twenty seven. God, you ever think about how many things we owe to him? Franklin, I mean. Even Penn. Even the school where Kevin and his friends go. He started that... And the libraries... And the fire department... And insurance companies... Them little reading glasses old folks buy at CVS.... Victoria's Secret... I think he did that. Didn't he?

Kevin wants pancakes. Edith couldn't make 'em. She's got like a stomach virus. Why do they call it a 'stomach' virus, when it's more of a lower intestine thing?. Lucky they got a lot a magazines back at the townhouse. She likes the home decor ones and @weirdnj too, 'cause they cover the Jersey Pine Barrens (really dense woods), her weird stomping grounds. Imagine, they got a Piney-Witchie-Woman for a housekeeper. Oh, them vampires are something.  I like when I get to narrate. In case you don't know, it's me, Zebulon, the thirteen year old kid what got stoned to death in ancient Jerusalem. Right near where they got Zippy's Falafel  today. We had good falafel back then too. For a shekel you got four real, nice, big, hot falafel balls and this real good pita bread and sauce and all. Not one kind a sauce... three kinds. Pomegranate juice. That was like soda back then. The 'Kitim' (pagan Romans) liked it too. Hard to get a seat at some a the good places because a them. I got one into The Temple once. Told me his mother was a Jew. Yeah, right. Like I believed him. We were like Mormons in those days. Had to be a member of the faith in good standing to witness the rights.. Oh, but they had a big show outside, in what they called 'The Court of the Gentiles'... blessing of the waters and all that. Blew trumpets... the choir sang. You know that big square they got in front of the trinitarian Vatican? Like that. Only The First Priest To Zion (I hate when they call him The High Priest) didn't have no Pope-mobile. Did have The Etruscan Guard though. But that was really just a way for the Romans to keep tabs on him. Funny how I still think about that time so much, even though I was (technically) a heretic. Mixed with Assyrian witches. I don't know if they were actually Assyrians. I don't know if there were any Assyrians left in those days. Could a been Scythians or Parthians. What did I know? I was thirteen for God's sake. But now I'm a disembodied spirit narrator. So let me get on with it. 

Tomas took Kevin to this waffle shop. Waffle shops are good. If I still had genuine, physical teeth, or some other way to chew it all up, I'd go too. Wanna see what them little sugar powdered crepes are like. That's what Kevin got, with like this apple-compote stuff on top of it. Smelled sooo good. 

Tomas says - You know we got our first, real meeting coming up..... He means from El Junto Vampirido Society. They're gonna come together the second to the last night of every month. 'Cept if it falls on a Friday or Saturday, 'cause college kids ain't givin' that up. Tomas wouldn't go on Fridays anyway, 'cause it's The Sabbath. He is what you'd call a real unusual vampire. This group got a lot a issues. Supposed to talk 'bout what good deeds they done. At that 'Junto' meeting, I mean. So far Kevin bought some old bag lady three orders a french fries and a new brassiere. Max, one a the other ones, unstuffed a neighbor's toilet and put six dollars in the mouth of a snorin' bum on Thirty Second Street. Guy almost choked. Max thinks he's funny. I think the other two, Rob and Liam taught little kids to read. They're the good ones. 

Kevin likes when Tomas tells stories. Vampires are the best. They got HUNDREDS a years a stories. Didn't hear all of it. Was smellin' that apple compote. But Tomas goes - You know how in movies and TV shows they guy gettin' shaked down by racketeers never fights back? He never goes berserk. Just sits there and takes it. Lets them slap him and punch him. Writers do that. Makes it easier. More linear. Less complicated. What, nobody EVER thought 'Yo, Tony Soprano, you fat, fat, fatty you, I gonna mess YOU up?  You know, Lot a people crazy. Not just racketeers. I seen a guy in France once, think it was in Chartes,  gettin' strong armed by some shit assed warlord. It's so unbelievable how their great-great (I don't know how many 'greats') grandkids morphed into 'high society' when the first wave was such low-life, pervert thieves. Anyway, the bum with the knife goes - Fork over the silver cache. That, or your bitch-brat's left breast. ...And the girl, held by some man-at-arms, goes- Papa! Papa!.. Papa makes like he just wants a get up, turn around and get the coins out a the bench. But this 'daddy' no push over. One move. One move. Real smooth. Just like that and BAM! One ax in each hand. Crunch! SPLAT! Crack! Like a nut cracker. Like a big nutcracker. And top a that bastid's head flies off, just like a lid. Just like a cookie jar. .... Brain look fake. Just like in a movie. But it can't be fake, 'cause this like the year twelve - o - five and fake brain not invented yet.... Man-at-arms goes - Uh oh... 'Cause baker lookin' at him (that's what he was, a baker). So he drop that gal an' go WHOOSH! right out the door...... I seen it all, 'cause I think I gonna have to step up an' do something. They let me sleep days in this deep 'cold cellar' where they store stuff. I peek up through little hatch. See the whole thing. Help him hide the body and clean up and all. Vampire got lot a energy. Do that in no time... Did have to kill that man-at-arm a little bit, plus two guys he told.  But that was it. Thing was over.

Sometime YOU gotta be the crazy one... 
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