Wednesday, May 14, 2014

THE UBER ZOMBIE, UTHER aus ULM Takes Opal To Her Family's House & Tells Tales Of His Youth... 5/14/14

I tell tales of my youth. Some are false. Some are amalgamations. Some are true. And that's not just me. All 'fleisch essers' are like that. We live life close to the vest. It's better that way. Fit in. Nod to the neighbors. Say 'hello.' A bit like simplified, more visible vampires. I learned a trade. A shoemaker, I was. And as unusual beings tend to find each other, I traveled with two dwarfs. Picked them up in Calabria. Runaways from the Saracen ruler of Malta. Professional buffoons they were. 'Slapstick' comedians of a very high nature. You know, 'slapstick' originally meant - to slap with a stick, as in Punch and Judy shows. In old Schwarzwald fables many were slapped with axes. Bad children, disobedient serfs and the like had to be taught lessons. Sticks were an improvement. But I digress. Unusual creatures often do. 

The Great Hunger hit when I was already one hundred years old. The dwarfs and I were well set up in an Alpine town, a comfortable little place cleansed by brisk mountain breezes. We had a narrow, half timbered house wedged among others of its kind on a winding lane. Wrought iron, basket weave boxes, laden with moss and flowers hung from every window. Do you know how the custom of flower boxes came about? Towns used to stink. Gutters were sewers and sewers were toilets, rife with turds, piss and butcher shop throw-a-ways. Needless to say, access to swift flowing, easily diverted streams was a big thing.  Thriving floral displays provided masking fragrances too. Thus the flower boxes. What you call the Middle Ages were practical times. Everything and everyone served a purpose. The shoemaker and his elves, we were. Not zombies. They were never that, just cannibals and even that happened gradually. Famine hit in 1312. Crops failed. that was it. Food, even the most simple fare, became quite dear. The rich ate. The poor did not. Mauritanian (North Africa) grain smuggled in through Majorca, Genoa, Venice and such places, delivered under cover of darkness, in plain leather sacks meant life. Grandparents stopped eating so their loved ones might live. Farm animals went from barn to pot. House cats soon followed. Dogs, except for hunting and herding breeds, were vermin then, little better than wolves. Within weeks they slaughtered the Jews, a defenseless resource often at hand. Perhaps they had some coins, or grain brought in from brethren among the Mohammedans? It released the tension. At least it did that and silver chalices and devotional objects stolen from synagogues could be sold. Occasionally churches were looted too. What was a zombie, or even a cannibal, back then but one of the crowd? And isolated monks in remote granges, since they were often fat, tasted oh so very good. .... A 'chivalrous age?' Please don't make me laugh... Oh, another thing..... Hansel und Gretel legends started then. Parents took their littlest children for woodland hikes (perhaps with the last bits of sausage) and left them there. Useless eaters they were. Older offspring might earn something...... The middle ages were Purgatory on Earth. Vampires and zombies did a rush-in business.

And now on to another strange thing . I took Opal to her parent's house, a small, frame structure with a sloping porch and a dilapidated garage just over the line in Bucks County, not far from the Neshaminy Creek. Before I found her, she lived with an aunt in the city. That's where she met Sophia and Sybil, who now babble incoherently and have a paranormal call in podcast and eight hundred followers on Twitter. They don't go to school no more, but the kid at H&M, or whatever it's called, likes their show. He lets them boost halter tops and whore pants, so they're happy. Ellen wants them for her show too, but only if they wear tutus and dance around, 'cause that's traditional. You can get rich doing that.  School's for schmucks.

Now Opal was nervous. She wanted this. Media forgot all about her disappearance. It was getting warm out. Three year olds were falling down wells every day. Some were actually cute. You know how the TV girls always ask for pictures? One makes John Belushi Eyes, so you know they're gonna save her first. She'll probably be on Ellen too. Wonder if she fell in wearing a tutu? See, most little boys can't play that game.

I think Opal's gonna devour her family next time. She needs immunities only her 'own kind' can give her. Look, I don't think. I know, 'cause I'm the one that put the idea in her head. It's a  zombie 'thing' and can be quite a liberating experience. But I can't tell you about that now, 'cause it's 4AM here and OK TV's coming on.

Billy channels this, but I (Uther aus Ulm) dictate and I gotta relax too you know.... Ooh, they got Snoop Dogg!

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