Monday, December 15, 2014


It is, I, Jonathon. I'm still mortal... for a little while. They got me a trainer to pump my up before the eternal transformation. Want to be my best before I 'assume the burden.' Not that I was in bad shape last time. Far from it. But vampires are vain. You know that. And if I 'can,' I 'will.'
The guy's from California. Had a place in Malibu. Jumps around like a dancer. Yells - Yes! Yes! Yes! and No! No! No!. ..Grabs my arms and legs... Twists them into the right positions. Cracks my back. That parts alright. Core's tighter. That I know. Got a six pack, a v-cut, deltoids, pecs, the whole package... Well, that he can't alter. 

We use a little room in the basement. They put black, rubber, lego-looking squares on the floor. White walls. Two big mirrors. Grey ceiling. Florescent lights. Benches. Towels. An institutional press-the-button-ice-water-fountain. No good to vampires. Life-eater forms are static.... like living statues. Three weeks, just after The Trinitarian New Year and I'll be ready. Excuse the medieval terminology, but we had so many new years in old Al Andalus... Got a keep them all straight. 

Edith feeds me special meals. No real calorie restrictions. High protein. Low carb. And this body they got me was in good shape to begin with. Belonged to a model, for God's sake. Wait a minute. What time is it? Got to eat a piece of cheese. <represents a snack break> Asiago ... never had it before. For three weeks I eat like an athlete and then it's thick, hot, red, beefy, salty, blood. Thin broths and certain alcoholic beverages are alright, from time to time. And I will be able to chew and swallow most of a regular meal, provided there's someplace where I can throw it all up. Sometimes vampires get cornered and have to but on a show. And I've been told I'm quite an actor. Once, in eighteen eighty three, I think it was, the actor cast as Mercrutio in an Arch Street Theater production on Romeo and Juliet got himself accidentally  eviscerated by a pack of dogs. Jo-Jo's Dancing Hounds... Not exactly timber-wolves... Standard poodles, I think they were... Warmed up the audience before the show. ... Actor was supposed to pretend he was a regular ticket holder... Climb up on stage and jump rope with them... But he had liverwurst for lunch.... Big heavy soup spoons filled with liverwurst... Smeared it all over thick slabs of rye bread... Onions too, I think... And that Jo-Jo was a real drunk. Never fed the dogs... Ran away from The French Foreign Legion. They had these islands up off the coast of Labrador or New Foundland. Fisherman lived there... Fisherman and legionnaires and narwhals and can-can dancers. It's freezing up there. ... Snuck down one winter. How much poutine  can you eat? Did they have poutine back then? Vampires don't know from that.

Dogs start barking and licking him, the actor, I mean... You know he was belching... kept belching... Fellow up front starts hollering - PEE YEW, you bum ! Everybody starts clapping. Actor does a little dance, 'cause he's a drunk too and likes to be the center of attention. Falls and cracks his head on a little, metal ladder (some of the dogs play firemen... like clown firemen... you know what I'm talking about). Dogs swarm all over him, licking everywhere. People laughing. Jo-Jo wants to pull them off, but they don't want to stop. Start growling. Start biting. Start ripping. People think it's part of the show, 'cause they had ghoulish productions back then.... Edwin Booth... I knew him, you know.... Had to drop the curtain, shoot the dogs and drag the corpse away. Shot Jo-Jo too, just for being such a God damned bastard. Show business was rough back then. Everybody knows that. Audience didn't mind, 'cause they got bags of Carson's Lemon Drops.  Cops didn't like it. Boss slipped  them each six ducats to The Flora Dora Girls . Promised not to shoot people no more, even bastards. Cops said - OK.

That night, after they cleaned up with sand and sawdust and bay rum and all, we went on.....

Excuse me. You know I never ramble, but that dietary regimen seems to have put me into ketosis. Once I'm a vampire it will sort itself out...

Doctor Franklin wants to study the whole procedure. Wants Sarah to do it. Thinks every magical occurrence is just an unobserved chemical or quantum reaction... sometimes both. Wants to hook us up to a lot of sensors.  Stick tubes in us. Collect Higgs-Boson particles. Shave our nether regions. I don't know. A lot of stuff is involved. (momentarily focuses) What's he have to shave our nether regions for??? That make sense to you? 

Think there's some Stella D'Oro almond toast in the kitchen. I'm gonna have some. 

Screw the trainer.


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