B.E. Scully: Why Mr. Darcy is an Honorary Vampire

B.E. Scully: Why Mr. Darcy is an Honorary Vampire: When John Polidori thrust folklore’s shadowy bloodsucker into the spotlight of 19th century Gothic storytelling, the vampire stirred to li...My stomach hurts tonight and I cannot post an episode, but here's a really cool 'guest' post by a very worthy writer with links to even more good stuff... Plus it's a dose of VAMPIRISMO til our current arc ends and we go back to TOMAS and SARAH and ANNIE and EDITH..... But if you want some more of BINGO BOY, just Google ~~> Bingo Boy by Billy Kravitz and peak in at posts you haven't read yet..... Still think MARIANNE IN BRITCHES by Billy Kravitz is a good bet too. Google that if you like. Either way, you'll like the B.E. Scully piece....... Hasta la proxima...

38TH BINGO BOY episode 12/7/12

BINGO BOY - post 38

Now the skinny teacher guy's cousin fixed it up. She's a producer for some local TV news program. First thing they did was send in 'plants,' one man and one woman. Just like cops gone under cover. Dressed 'em up in baseball jackets with bar logos on the back and everything. Even spray stink weed juice all over 'em so they reek like the rest a the front step gentry. Woman wears a bridge. They made her leave it at home. Got glasses on too, both of 'em. But these are special glasses. Not the kind they sell in comic books. Not the kind that gives you x-ray vision. Still, almost as good. Got little cameras in 'em. In the frames, I mean. Pick up everything. Got little microphones too. And they sittin'. And they watchin'. And they lookin'. Guy act like a retard when people come over. Bingo joint like retards, 'cause they don't know the numbers.

But it gonna take time. They gotta build up a case. So while they doin' that, lemme show you what gone on back home.

This Jimmy's birthday. He still in a cage, but now he all dressed up. Got new blue jeans. New sweat shirt. New everything. Ricky an' Little Chrissie there too. Marge there. She always there. She holdin' the baby. An' I gotta say... cage look real cozy... like what dorm room would look like if they locked the kids up behind bars. They got streamers. They got balloons. They got cake. They got presents. Everybody wearin' fancy, little, cardboard dunce caps... like what them Spanish goomers made folks wear 'fore they burned 'em all up.

Cake like a loaf cake, so they can pass it through the bars. Marge give it a Jimmy. It got a candle on top. She light it. But she real careful. Little Chrissie grab hold a the baby. Jimmy take it. He look. He wish. He blow out the candle. They all cheer. Baby screech like he real happy. Then he clap and do that ya-ya-ya-ya thing they all like.

Marge go - Is it OK? Is it OK?......... Jimmy nod. Then he pass it back through the bars so she can cut it. He look like he gone cry. But he don't. Marge cut it up. Everybody get a real nice piece on a special HAPPY BIRTHDAY paper plate. Got little plastic sporks and everything. They all ooh and aah over it. Then they eat it. It taste good. Think it like a Betty Croker or Duncan Hines or something. She put in a little more butter. That like a trick. Then Jimmy say - This the first birthday party I ever get..... Only he say it like them Russian-Ukrainian people do...... Now Marge look like she gone cry. Even Little Chrissie got a real funny smile on her face. Ricky make like he busy feedin' the baby. Baby 'llowed a eat cake in this house. An' it crowded down there, wit' them foldin' chairs and all. So Marge scootch over to the side and grab a bag up off the floor. This not plastic. It a real shoppin' bag. I think TARGET make you buy 'em. .... She say - Well, don't forget. We got presents too, you know....... Now Jimmy start a cry. Baby see him cry. Then baby cry. But it all right, 'cause Ricky feed him more cake and that shut him up.

But Jimmy wanna talk. Jimmy wanna say somethin'. He go - I was always a bad guy. I was rotten as a kid. I was always rotten...... For a second it look like somebody gone say somethin'. But they don't. So he jus' keep talkin'....... He go - You know how I was when the Germans came. I am not proud of that. You know how I was later. And I am not proud of that either. But you sit in a cage... a very nice cage....... Marge go - Thank you..... Jimmy nod and say - You sit in a cage and you think. You watch Kelly Rippa. You watch Price Is Right. You watch Lydia Bastianish. You watch Maury. You shit in a bucket........ Marge goes - A commode....... Jimmy says - Excuse me, a commode... And you learn things.......Marge goes - Like what?...... She think he gone say he love her. An' maybe he do. But he ain't gone say it now. Jus' put down his head an' go - Ricky?...... Ricky go - Yeah?....... Jimmy say - You get the books?.....Ricky go - Yeah?........ Jimmy say - Good. Tomorrow we read. Tomorrow you teach me. I not gonna be circumcised. That part I not gonna do. I don't know. Guess I jus' funny that way. But tomorrow, I gonna be Jew...... Marge looks. Little Chrissie stifles a laugh. Baby goes - Joo-joo-joo-joo-joo.......... 

Then they all sit in silence for about a dozen heartbeats, as Jimmy adds - An' when time comes for you to let me out, I want to marry this wonderful woman...... Marge positively beams, as the baby squeals with delight.

Marge goes to the cage. They embrace through the bars. They kiss. She whispers - Does this mean I have to be a Jew too? 'Cause I kind a know all the Catholic stuff by heart...

Jimmy goes - No. Be whatever you want. Be happy. Be happy. Be happy. We all gonna be happy. This a new Jimmy. I a new Jimmy....... Then he catches his breath.........

And Ricky goes - A Hanukah miracle...... as they start to open the presents.....

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37TH BINGO BOY episode 12/6/12

Bingo Boy - post 37

Permit me to introduce myself before I begin the tale. My era was the eighteen eighties. I lived in a small room at the back of a tenement with my father, a hat blocker for The Stetson company. Well, he was a hat blocker til his hands were smashed and burned in a 'shaping' machine.  The steam was under pressure and very, very hot. I was eleven years old. They sent him home with bandages. A doctor, paid by the company, came once a day to go through the motions, but he couldn't do anything. And some days he never came at all. 

He got a pension, my father I mean. Think it was about three and a half dollars a week. Just enough to slowly starve in quiet, unseen poverty. A woman upstairs crocheted mittens. He wore them all year long. That became his name -- 'Mittens.' The kids called him 'Mittens.' And I was mittens boy. Earned some money sweeping out a taproom. Never went to school no more. That stopped after fourth grade. Who the hell has to know fractions anyway?

One day, must a been almost thirteen, I sneak off to the side show with 'Fat Ass.' He was a kid from the next block. They had 'The Luxemburg Mermaid.' Looked like a flabby whore with her legs stuffed into a tight tube made outta oiled up snakeskin. I says - Yo, you God damned bastid! She ain't no Luxemburg Mermaid. She ain't even from France! Ain't that where all the mermaids come from?....... Fat Ass goes - No, them's hootchie-kootchie dancers they got over there..... But the guy what took our money didn't like my looks and he mumbled somethin' when we left. Even the mermaid thumbed her nose at us and said - Drop dead.....

Two minutes later, Fat Ass gotta go take a crap, so he run into the crap-tent. You can imagine the olfactory memories made in that hole. That why folks piss up alleys. I squeeze through bunch a stinkin' people lookin' for the Vienna Sausage man. Got my four cents ready and everything. Daddy say - Don't eat them Vienna Sausage. They made outta monkey balls and lady-toes. He say it a well known fact. But I don't set much store on well known fact. 

Only thing, never did sink my teeth through that hot, pig gut casing. Got conked over the head and pulled into a wagon, I did. Later i heard Fat Ass set up the whole thing. His uncle pay for him a go to 'white slaver' school and I like one a the tests. Don't 'member much til after it happen. What they done to me, I mean. But after, they gimme a mirror so I can look. Took 'em two days too, plus four more for the pus and the swellin' to go down. Tattooed bunch a swirly shit all over my face, my ears, my head (they shaved that) and everywhere. Some lines is brown. Some is green. Some is yellow. Dye my teeth orange too. Don't know how they did that. Don't like a think 'bout no greasy bastid stickin' his fingers in my mouth. So now I a freak an' a 'hop' head too, 'cause they gimme all kind a Asiatic Elixirs to keep me quiet, while they 'colored me up.'.....

Call me Lizard-Head-Johnny, the boy wit' an alligator 'pa.' I cry for weeks. Time I stop we in Pittsburgh. Still play Philly every spring, but I don't go home. I don't know what I do. Third time we circle back here I get 'lock jaw.' Think I step on a tack or somethin'. Carnie-doc say he know how to fix it, so he gimme some pills. Shake and sweat for couple night. Shit the bed real bad too. But two days later I stop all that, 'cause I dead. Must a been like fifteen, or almost fifteen years old. Sold what was left a me to some surgery school on eleventh street. That why I 'ghostin'' in Philly. That why I hear.

And before I forget, lemme tell you why I come tonight. I come to tell you 'bout that skinny school teacher. He wern't gone call no cousin at no telly-vision place. He jus' gone suck it up like a big, old, stupid dope. But then he get a letter from the school. It say (and I memorize this part) - Due to budgetary constraints your position as music teacher and in-house substitute are no longer covered. Please see me (that mean a big, boxy, principal woman) in my office on Monday, of next week, at 7:30AM, so I can supply you with all forms necessary for re-assignment to another school........ Principal woman ain't one a his friends. But he never think she gone do somethin' like this...... That when he change his mind....

And now folks gonna cry.....

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36TH BINGO BOY episode 12/5/12

Bingo Boy - post 35

Before We can check in with the skinny school teacher, I have to tell you what happened to Ricky. Yes, I am one of the ghostly narrators. But you shall not see me again, for I am only the spirit of a quiet farmer slain by a highway man in his bed at night. They built Ricky's property over the spot one hundred and eighty years later. If you dig down under the foundation of his red brick row house, you'll see me, or rather the bones I left behind. My box is gone. The highwayman and his apprentice harried my corpse into a small  tight crate. I believe it once held delft ware from Holland. And buried me under the ashes of my home after burning it to the ground. This happened in seventeen seventy. The district later known as Lawndale was farmland then. My holdings were rather isolated. Great, tawny panthers roamed through the woods. I believe you call them 'mountain lions'? But let me serve my purpose and tell you about Ricky.

He returned to the street by day, for the nights were getting treacherous. Break-ins were routine, even more so than in the rough environs of Little Chrissie's quarter. For this ward still bore the stamp of better days. Lawns were neat. The streets were leafy. They looked like home.  But some modern form of laudanum flowed from a cellar one square hence. And a clan of Tinkers 'found' many stolen things. While a woman over there sold her body.

Yet Ricky thought he was safe. No riches hid behind his walls, though thieves smelled other things. At first he saw nothing. He parked the car, went up the walk and put in his key. That's when it hit him. Mail thrown about. Photographs in disarray. His mother's things, her what-nots and knick-knacks watched from strange, new places. They pulled out all the drawers in the dining room and all the drawers in the bedrooms too. Who knows what they found? Who knows what they stole? He never looked through his parent's things. There was no gold. There were no jewels. There was no family treasure. But all was in chaos. The television was gone. He didn't notice that til later. And a gold-filled pocket watch with sentimental value was lost. Some tools in the basement disappeared. A few family photographs were gone, while some lost ones now were found. And an old broach, belonging to his great grandmother sat among the mess like a guardian. 

They came in through the basement window and left by the back door. The police couldn't do much. Every third house on the street had been robbed. Violent crimes took pride of place. Thank God there were few (relatively speaking) of those. So they wrote a report, said it was 'kids' and left. He cleaned up a bit, called a handyman and waited, all alone in a quiet, violated room. The small window was bricked in and sealed. No light came in now. The space was a sad, dark dungeon. Then he picked up some of the books strewn on the floor, along with the mail and left. 

A few of the neighbors were returning from work. He told them what happened. They went - tsk, tsk, tsk. But this was an old tale. The neighborhood was changing, though the bricks and the trees and the gray, slate roof trim still looked just the same.

Then he drove off. He wanted to cry... but he just didn't. He had to get away. 'They' had to get away. The baby was his family now, and the baby's mother and grandmother too. Oddly enough, so was Jimmy. 

A little later, he stopped at a place  to pick up crab-cakes and then he went 'home.'

Perhaps in a week or two he'd call one of those guys who bought old, distressed houses? At least he'd be rid of it.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Next time we'll speak of the school teacher.....
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35TH BINGO BOY episode 12/4/12

Bingo Boy - post 35

You see that skinny school teacher went through a lot. At first he was gonna forget it. Chalk it up to their deliriously stunted intellects. But then they started to infiltrate into his world and that was too much. Somebody had to suffer. Somebody had to get a stroke over all this. And it wasn't gonna be him. Lemme tell you what happened today. Who am I? I'm the ghost of a guy who DID have a stroke in a little school off 'The Avenue' (Frankford Avenue). The music teacher, that's who I was.  Couldn't give out equipment. Couldn't give out instruments. They became weapons. Everything became weapons. Not all the kids, just maybe a third of them. But try doing something constructive with eight berserk 'individuals' in the room. And public school xylophones can be mighty heavy. And drum sticks are too much like spears, blunt spears, but just the same. Principal came in. She was doing her 'observations' and I was an easy target. Oh, I knew she was  gonna write me up for a lot of reasons. But I'm dead now. It's over. So let's forget about it. Right there in the classroom. Right in the middle of 'Beautiful Dreamer.' Crashed right down on the hard, cold tile floor. Blood running out of my nose, my mouth, my eye (one of them). Think I was twitching too. Some kids froze. Some ran around the room screaming  like a bee was chasing them. Some clapped and laughed. Principal goes - Oh my. Oh my.... Then she sends a kid to bring back the school cop. Good thing is I DID manage to avoid the bad report. But I was dead. Plus side was my wife and family got the ' died in the line of duty' pension insurance pay out. Almost a half million dollars, I think it was. That part made me happy. Now the skinny guy didn't die, but his day wasn't much better.

When he enters the building, the first thing he does is go into the office and sign in. But one of the Tugboat Annie's who frequents the bingo hall has a little grand beast in the building. She happens to be in there 'tawkin' to another  woman who's also dropping off a signed 'notice of suspension' paper. And when she see's him (the skinny guy) she starts snickering. She starts whispering something, some of which was not even remotely politically correct. You know, educated types are always targets for that around here. 

But he walks out and goes about his business. Teacher can't say anything, you know. Then later, when he goes into the staff lunchroom, he sees 'em all grinning and looking and laughing. Bad enough brushing away mouse turds, but now he's gotta deal with this too. Somebody must a been talkin'. Somebody must a told them. I think the second woman in the office gets a pay check outta the place. Cleans up the lunchroom, or maybe she's the stop-kids-from-choking-each-other- lady in the schoolyard. I don't know. But she talked. And every building has a certain amount of people who love  to get down to the level of the kids.

So he eats his bought-on-sale, processed turkey breast sandwich by himself at the rickety little table by the copy machine. And the afternoon ain't much better. Works with middle school aged kids then. They know the story. They keep whispering. They mimic him. They go - Lemme see that card!..... They giggle. They giggle. They giggle some more. Least they don't bop each other with the stainless steel flutes.

Afterwards, when he goes out to the parking lot, he sees what they wrote on his car. I don't know what they used. But it looked like a marker, or a paint thing. And he had to drive all the way back to his house like that. Look, I don't have to tell you. You 'know' how 'understanding' some neighbors are? You know. 

So he calls his cousin at the TV station and they set up the whole thing.....

Gloria Allred called him, for Christ's sake...

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34TH BINGO BOY episode 12/03/12

BINGO BOY - post 34

It seemed Marty was doin' a lot a thinkin' 'bout the money. Days went by. Little Chrissie would drop hints. You see, a girl can do it without being too in-your-face. But if Ricky did it, he'd be threatening. He'd be confrontational. So she'd say things like - Yo, Ricky, you wanna take a ride up to that Italian place we liked so much?...... Ricky'd go - What do you mean? Which one?... And she'd say - The one up where Marty's 'friend' lives......Obviously, he was always close by when they had these discussions. He'd look. Then he'd look away. Then he'd look again. If nobody else was close by he'd say - All right, all right. What are you tryin' to do? Stop it. Stop gettin' funny. I don't like it..... But one night Big Chrissie accidentally on purpose let him find a napkin with his address written on it (in her handwriting) in the little kitchen. Boy did he look sick. 

And Jimmy was gettin' sick too. He was gone stir crazy... real stir crazy. Did exercises all day. At first all he could do was old man, hands-against-the-wall push ups, but now he could do regular ones. Leg raises and sit-ups too..... Marge'd say - You doin' that for me?.... But he wouldn't answer. Bein' stir crazy makes 'em get that way, you know.

Now she fed the baby down in the basement too. All three of 'em ate supper together. Sometimes steak sandwiches (not the baby). Sometimes chopped steak and mashed potatoes (smushed together for the baby). And sometimes tuna croquettes with macaroni and cheese (also smushed up for the baby). Wasn't exactly Ukrainian food, but he wasn't so fussy anymore. Just wanted out. He'd tell her too. He'd say - I hafta get outta here. It's killin' me.... Marge'd put her hands over the baby's ears and say - Want me to take 'im upstairs? I'll play ya another game a 'the cossack and the farm girl' again?...... But Jimmy wasn't interested. He'd go - No. I just have to get out of here. I just have to get out...... Marge'd say - I know. But do you think you could wait just a little bit longer?....... Jimmy'd say - Why? You makin' me a party, or somethin'?...... I think a little bit of his brain thought they were gonna kill him one day, because what else could they do with him? Not his whole brain, just part of it. That's how things were done over there. Back with his Kiev hoodlums, I mean. And old habits die hard. But then the baby'd go - Ya, Ya, Ya, Ya, or Da, Da, Da, Da and he'd forget. Marge told him the kids were tryin' to get Marty to  give 'em a lump sum pay out. She said - Can't you wait a little while, like til they get it, 'cause then we can all go somewhere together?...... Jimmy'd go - What you mean 'we'?...... But that only seemed to upset her.

And that skinny-school-teacher guy was upset too. He'd been upset. He was real upset. You know, like, like a chicken with it's eyes ready to bust out. See? Look at him sittin' at his desk there (the one at home), typin' out those letters and all. And I mean typin' 'em on an electric typewriter, so you know he meant business. One for the district attorney. One for the Office of License and Inspections. And one for each and every bleach-toothed, blow dried, dedicated, investigative reporter at every station in town. Sent out a lot a emails too. All very neat. All very thorough. All very incriminating.

Skinny school teacher guy gonna get his revenge...

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33RD BINGO BOY episode 12/1/12

BINGO BOY - post 33

It's late. The bingo hall is closed. Little Chrissie, Ricky, Big Chrissie and John crowd into a booth at some pancake house. John passes around print outs. They study them and talk. Little Chrissie says - How'd you get all this?.... John goes - From the license number. That's all you need. I already had his name, his business address and the town he lives in. Whoop, there it is. Look, I even have the names of the schools his kids would go to, if he had kids, which he don't... yet..... Big Chrissie squirms....Then he adds - I even know what he takes for his 'prostrate' condition.... Ricky says - Yeah, he does lie down a lot...... John goes - That's because he's sick and all...... Big Chrissie says - What's this at the bottom?...... John goes - A credit card, or a debit card, or whatever it is. He bought something. You wanna know what?... Earrings, he bought earrings. He bought a one carat pair of diamond earrings...... Big Chrissie goes - Oh, my God. I'm gonna vomit.... The other three protectively pull their plates in close.... She adds - Diane, the shill bitch, just got a pair a one carat studs too. I saw them. I asked her. She goes my boyfriend got 'em for me. I say 'oh yeah? Who?..... But she just giggles and starts settin' up her boards (another term for cards). God damn bastid. Wonder what his wife got? ......... John goes - Nothin'. I didn't see no other big purchase. 'Less she got her own credit card........ Big Chrissie looks angry........ Ricky goes - You know, you gotta be real careful. You can't make a big thing outta this, 'cause then Mrs. Marty would divorce him. He'd lose a lot a money and you'd (Big Chrissie) be shit outta luck..... Little Chrissie goes - But that's his address? That's it. That's where he lives?...... John goes - Yeah. Why?....... Little Chrissie goes - Nothin'. No reason. Just wondered. That's all.

But Ricky catches her eye and he knows different..

Next day at work, Little Chrissie starts talkin' to Marty back in the kitchen. She's helping him boil hot dogs for the free bingo-supper. They keep it clean enough back there. Look, they eat the crap too. And he does buy all beef wieners for hot dog night. Potato salad's not bad either. Goes cheap on the rolls. But rolls don't matter much. Two dogs and a big mound a almost homemade 'tater salad. Real hot. Real salty. Real juicy. Real good. Bet you could go for some right now? Am I right? Hell, I could and I'm just a ghost narrator. Got shmushed up under the 'el'. Little bits a me rained down on the street below like bird shit. And I don't always haunt 'the avenue' (Frankford Avenue). Believe me. I got better places to go. So let me finish tellin' you what I got to tell you and scram.

Little Chrissie says - Hey, Marty, I think I saw you outside your house the other day..... He goes - R-really? How'd you do that?..... She says - It was early, when I was takin' my kid to the pediatrician's office. Boy, ain't it a small world? Ain't that funny?.... He keeps on makin' like he's busy and goes - W-where's your pediatrician's?..... She goes - You know them offices they got right by Woodlyn Crossing?...... He goes - Y-yeah?........ She says - Right in there. He's right there. But I had a few minutes, so I drove through the development, 'cause the fountain was on and I like the way it looks. Baby likes it too. (boy, can she lie.)....... Marty goes - Oh! That was a friend's place. I just had a run in to pick something up for a minute...... Little Chrissie goes - Yeah? Funny, both your cars were in the driveway....... He makes like he don't hear..... She goes - Hey, Marty?..... He says - What?.... She says - Ya do any more thinkin' 'bout our offer?.......

But he just makes like he's countin' buns.....

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