Jupiter Ascending Official Trailer (HD) Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum... our neurotic Docker-wearing vampire, Conrad, turned us onto this...

Whoa! Dissa Looka GUDE! 
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PUBESCENT VAMPIRES known as ELFERINOS & ELFERINAS enjoy The Holidays... 12/9/13

There are four of them. Ain't speechified much 'bout them in a while, but they still there. Special things... magical things they are. Been livin' here just as long as Tomas... Maybe a little bit longer. Folks say they ran 'round with them Indians before Philadelphia got itself built. Talked to trees. Flew off the top a hills. Swum with beavers. Could a even rode a big deer once or twice. I'm talkin' 'bout them elferinos... elferinas too. They sure are fine little things. And not so little, really, when you think about it.

Yeah, they are vampires, or night-folk, or life-eaters, or whatever else you want to call it. But they different. Magic settle real nice on them young ones... gentle like. Fly like the wind, they do. Sing like angels, if you can hear 'em. Sometimes they ride out the day in dark mossy tombs deep within the winding lanes of old Laurel Hill Cemetery. Play with the bones, they do. Femurs is clubs, or scepters. Skulls is cannon balls. Caretaker's wife makes 'em outfits. She a knittin' lady... sewin' lady too an' she love them young ones, 'cause they so cute. Preach to them out a her holy books. They go 'uh huh' and 'yes ma'am.' Caretaker's wife like that. And she know all their names, 'cause they trust her. She know Roland and Marianne and Albion and Celeste.... Mostly Frenchies they are... or were when they were mortal. If not real French, then from places what talk French. Now they talk Franglais, a big, old stew with French and English in it. Caretaker's wife give 'em hot tea on cold nights. They like watery drinks, just like them older vampires. An' actually, night-folk can tolerate light food. They have been known to nibble through social occasions like weddings and wakes an' all. Throw it up after, they do, but that their business. 

Christmas time real big with elfie-folk. An' you know, we calls 'em 'elfie-folk' 'cause a the way they grows. You see, most vampire locked in place when they cross over. Body parts all stay the same, like a statue. Don't do no switcheroo. But elfie-folk different. Guess it on account a all them hormones they got dancin' through they bodies at that age. Ears and fingers keep growin' after 'death.' Not a lot, but a little. Ears get neat tiny points. Fingers get a mite long and artistic-like. Eyes real big, Jaws finely drawn. Pretty hair too, all fluffy and soft-like. Wears knit caps, they does, pulled down Frenchie style. Funny, after three hundred years, more actually, they still 'are' that way. Christmas come, they like music and sparkle and sweet smellin' stuff. Hide in store windows they do. Mostly big, fancy, department store windows. Put on top hats. You know, them big, fat at the top numbers like old time coachmen used to wear? Dribble-dabble theyself with perfume. Wind long cashmere scarves 'round they necks. Act like them wind-up dolls they used to have back in the day. What poo-bahs and nay-wobs used a have in they collections. Nighttime come. Windows light up. Folks walk by an' never know that cunning, little juggler, or the sweet, Gypsy dancer not no mechanical thing. 'Cept sometime when it get real late an' street mostly quiet, elfie-folk sneak out. Sublimate right through the glass they do. Go caperin' off down that sidewalk to nighttime adventures mortal folk don't know.

Never drain nobody to death. Least hardly never. Dance around, 'kiss' folks and fly off. Them what 'been' say it tickles.

You gone be seein' little more a them elfie-folk..... 'cause they got things to do...

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VAMPIRES HAVE THEIR OWN TYPES OF MEDICAL EMERGENCIES.................... 12/9/13

Couldn't blog last night. None of the usual disembodied spirit narrators were around and Tomas had an emergency. Vampires do have what we would call 'medical' issues, some of which can be troubling. Tomas was making calls, trying to arrange last minute passage for Baylah. She wants to be in South Africa for the memorials. Usually his 'familiars' come through for him right away, but his airlines guy was out of town and the wife doesn't know about their arrangement so he couldn't say anything. She didn't know she was talking to a thousand year old Spanish, Sephardic Jew. You can't spring that on people, you know. Finally, he did find a person. Now she's on a small, leased jet somewhere over the South Atlantic. Might make a stop in Brazil, but I;m not sure.

Anyway, Tomas was getting so upset he started diffusing. That happens sometimes. It's like when they want to sublimate through a solid surface, or even through the air (what we perceive as flight). The body nebulizes. Edges blur and the central core becomes translucent. Some vampires have been known to go 'poof' and wink out all together. Do they 'die'? I don't know. We looked in his book. We actually opened up his ancient vellum copy of La Ciencia Vampirismo. I didn't read it. Edith didn't read it. We just opened to the page and put it down where he could see it (as least while his eyes were still working). Most of the writing was in Old Vahmperigo. It's like Spanish and Catalan by way of Provencal French, but different too.  Sometimes cold temperatures 'calm' the particulate (their word for atoms) and draw the body back into focus. So we had to take everything out of the refrigerator... all the shelves and bins too. One broke, but that's okay. There's food in there. I eat. Edith eats. Even the vampires drink cold vodka and crap. Had it all out on the counter. Turned the thermostat, or whatever it is, all the way down and got him inside just before he literally blew away. I thought part of his foot didn't make it in, but Leo said it'd be alright. Look he didn't know. I mean how long as he been a vampire? He was only guessing. But three hours later... yeah, it took three hours... we hear coughing from inside the 'french door' part. Vampires got expensive taste. What can I tell you. I say - Should I open it?... Leo goes - Yeah, open it.... Edith starts going - Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.... But it worked. I opened it and he fell out... all cold and gray. His hair was like a real disaster. And you know how he gets about his hair. But he was alright. The book was right. Wow... I gotta get a peek at that. 

That's why I didn't blog. Let me tell you, when it comes to vampires...'death' isn't easy.

(normal post later)

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TOMAS DOESN'T WANT TO COOPERATE ON A BLOG TONIGHT, BUT HE TELLS US THIS... 12/8/13

Immortal souls experience a certain type of occasional, nagging ennui. We do not want to talk to anyone, or drain the blood from anyone or slit the throat of anyone or martyr anyone. A time to sit in small, dark rooms and doze... Not sleep, but just wander and maybe contemplate and explore. So I am going to do that. It is I, Tomas.

But I will tell you this......

Once, in a remote Ottoman province I saw a local potentate raised to the rank of imperial governor employ a certain rare and intriguing torture device. We sat on low, plush divans, eating the choicest dates and sweetmeats. Well, he did. I didn't, though I did enjoy a cold, fresh, crisp vodka-like distillation made from turnips and specially bred garden slugs. 

Unfortunate individuals were brought in, deprived of their clothing and made to sit in the 'funny' seat. a large, squarely built, throne-like chair bristling with small, but lethal, razor sharp blades. And just like spike-lined fakirs' beds, everything was honky-dory so long as movement was kept to a minimum. But the potentate/governor was a connoisseur of exquisite tortures, thus he liked to shake things up a bit.

Now the seat was canted back. In order to get up the subject must, theoretically, focus all weight on their hands and thighs... the back part of their thighs, immediately shredding them to bits.... not to mention other tender parts as well. Few ever tried. But they did not have to...

After a bit the potentate clapped his hands summoning a jester of some sort. The entertaining gentleman attired in a ridiculous assortment of colorful silk braids, belts and ripped shreds of cloth capered about spouting profane and obviously much loved 'dirty' jokes... classics among the residents round about. The victim in the 'funny' seat tried not to laugh, but resistance was futile. And the reflexive movements caused cuts and slices to open up all along his nether regions. 

Oh, I could see it in the eyes. They didn't want to laugh and some were able to stave off such rumblings. But when that happened the potentate clapped again, producing a tittering band of nubile 'honey' girls wielding colorful feather pom-poms on the ends of long, thin bamboo sticks. They used these weapons like rapiers, tickling the victim all over, thus hastening his laughing death. The blood poured like olive oil freed from a press, running down the body and into a finely polished copper pan.

Afterwards he gave it to me, but failed to understand my penchant for live food.

Though I did like they show..... That's all you'll get out of me tonight. Go do something constructive. tell your friends... leave a comment. thank you...

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TOMAS LIKES A PRODUCT HE SAW ON SHARK TANK.. BAYLAH WANTS TO GO TO PRESIDENT MANDELA'S FUNERAL... 12/7/13

The townhouse is really quite a comfortable refuge. It's not overly imposing from the street (more like an old lane, or mews), just wide enough to let in adequate light. But seeing as most residents are nocturnal, that's not such a big deal. In case you're not familiar with classical Philadelphia residential architecture, I'll describe it. Each floor had four primary rooms. Two face front and two face back. There are smaller spaces, storage rooms, studies and the like, bathrooms, 'safe' rooms and secret rooms. The third floor, a rather charming arrangement of tiny dormered cubicles with light-tight shutters and cozy sleeping dens. The vampires actually prefer sleeping up under the roof. It's quieter and dryer. Should they feel threatened, retreat to the cellar is possible. The walls are stone, painted white. The floor slate covered. There's a deep, raw earth crypt under a heavy, granite slab, filled with perhaps sixteen inches of fragrant rose petals. Tomas and Sarah occasionally sleep down there. Some type of basic simple machinery moves the slab. This lowest level is a second cellar. What we would call a 'sub-basement.' The ghost of the little polio victim sometimes frequents the place, but not always. Sarah leaves little toys for him. The first cellar, finished in a similar manner, has a pantry and a little sitting room, plus what used to be staff housing in the old days. The first cellar has windows. The second cellar does not. And the entrance to the deepest level is via a ladder accessed through a trapdoor in the floor of an ordinary closet. I've never listed them, but I think counting greater and lesser spaces there are approximately twenty two or twenty four rooms in all. Stroll through Society Hill and other nearby neighborhoods. You'll see others like it. The difference being this one fronts a narrow, secluded lane. Oh, and a man from Robertson's comes down once every seven to ten days to change the rose petals. Does he know who lives here? What do you think? The kitchen opens up to a nice cozy garden in the back, but you're already familiar with that.

Now let me go on. Tomas watched television tonight. He likes Shark Tank. Always roots for the little guys. Says if he wasn't so moral he'd slip into Los Angeles and slurp the life out of those inhuman, self-serving bastards. And it's a wonder some local vampire with just a hint of social justice hasn't already done the same thing. Tonight he liked the hat people... two young men possessed of a business that makes dashing hoods and head coverings meant to imitate shamanistic disguises used in ancient, pre-hunt rituals. At least that's how they look to me. Though I must say they are very flattering in a primitive, Cro Magnon sort of way.... fluffy, (thankfully) faux fur, handsome, erect ears and in some cases, leonine paws meant to sereve as mittens. He contacted them earlier via Twitter, but they didn't know who or what he was. Here, I'll give you a clickable link~> spirithoods.com ... I hope it works.

Baylah wants to go to the funeral, President Mandela's, I mean. Not just because she's African, for her people were Ashanti and Tuareg and in no way related to the various kingdoms and feudal holdings of the south. But she just thinks the occasion is important enough to warrant a vampire presence. Tomas said - Don't you think some local night-folk will be there? And besides, official observances will be diurnal , thus baring your presence altogether..... Baylah said - I know that. But as a daughter of Timbuctu and a princess of Old Mali, I belong there. One royal to another. I want to pay my respects. And if I must wait out the sun time in some sheltered place, so be it. His spirit will still be thereabout and he will sense my presence. 

Edith could see she was worked up about this. Perhaps because she was once a slave, while the great departed soul was both the Moses and Joshua of his people. So she lit some green apple candles to calm things. 

Tomas said - I'll have my travel man ( a familiar) arrange it all.... Baylah said - You don't have to do that. I have familiars of my own.... Then she curled up in the chair and silently watched the fire.... a princess in repose.

I myself am yet another unidentified disembodied spirit and I'd like to keep it that way. Let the others share their names. Such displays are not for me. Good night, for I must leave...

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The Lion Sleeps Tonight - The Von Trapp Singers (Music Video) ... that willkravitz (we know it's really Billy Kravitz) who blogs for the vampires has a tie in to this... 12/6/13

Baylah's back at the piano bar. She and the genteel drunks was watchin' The Sound of Music tonight. Piano player still there. He don't sing though, not loud anyway. Plays along to songs in the show. Genteel drunks all hum. You know a lot a dopes thing Eidelweis really IS the Austrian national anthem? And the other dopes who disagree think it's Throw The Jew Down The Well... Maybe not that song, but something just like it.

They watched that show at the townhouse too, 'cause wilkravitz' mother played Sister Margareta on stage. Stage nuns got to sing more. Talked a little more too. Everybody in showbusiness served time with them Von Trapps. Think it like a 'union' thing. Sarah likes that story. She go - Awww.... Cries when they sing Climb Every Mountain too. Tomas say he knowed vampire nuns in Europe, back in the day. Vampire monks too. Used to let their hounds lick up the left over grease after victim burn up. Some a them dogs get vampire-ish too. Them what's in charge don't care 'cause vampire dog don't crap on no floor no more. Then Tomas sing us Gregorian chant. It like old time gospel for them what ain't got no rhythm. This Mister Never You Mind talkin'. I had a brother got himself catched by them Nazis. Jazz man over in that Europe place. Think he in Paris. Everybody say - What you care? No Nazi gone come over here.... But they do come. They come real fast when nobody lookin'. You know French people is easily distracted, 'cause they always doing stuff, like diggin' snails out a they shells, or washin' they cootchies in toilet sinks an' all. When Nazis do come, they start grabbin' folks. Most get sent to camps, 'cept they not really camps, 'cause ain't got no trampolines or weenie roasts. They just waitin' rooms for gettin killed. Lucky folks get gassed. Make 'em breathe in acid crap in big old garages full a naked cryin' people. Spit up lung meat, blood and all. L'il kids too. Them what not lucky burnt up in pits. Make 'em lie down. Shoot 'em up a little. Dowse 'em with gasoline. Drop a match an' go WHOOSH. Folks shriek and scream an' all. Shake a lot. Naked part the same, but rest of it completely different. African folk what got catched not go to camp. Army guy shoot 'em up a back alley. That what they do to my brother. He a disembodied spirit too. But I think he workin' Hawaii.

After show wilkravitz say it alright if night-folk wanna go out killin' folks. He doan care, 'cause Edith make a sweet potato pie an' he want some. Conrad say he want them little suede pants like Nazi boy got. He not no Nazi. He jus' like 'em. Leo tell him to go to hell.

Tomas start speechifyin' in Vahmperigo, but nobody know what he say, 'cause they not know old time vampire talk an' he the only one can read minds. He 'memberin' when them old time Nazis, them 'Crusaders' try an' burn him. Thousand year later he still dream 'bout it. Nobody like a get burnt up. I know, 'cause I an expert on that.

Later, when vampires do go out (not to kill folks. They doan always do that) wilkravitz get his pie an' he glad he watch that show, 'cause his mama once in it back in the day and all.

Got some Von Trapp kids singin' down below. Go look. If you wanna read more a our pixilated stuff, click on this ~> MORE PIXILATED STUFF and this for Twitter ~> WHERE BILLY KRAVITZ IS ... please leave COMMENTS 'cause we loves them too. Now go see them Austrian, yodelin' kids. 

THEY FISHED A DEAD BODY OUT OF THE RIVER.... 12/5/13

Leo and Conrad, the newest vampires, go everywhere. They wander around the city like tourists taking in everything. Some nights they go see shows. Tomas has a 'familiar,' a press agent for a couple Center City theaters and he gets them tickets. Nobody ever gives them a second look. Conrad wears his Dockers. Leo comes off a bit edgier, but... so do a lot of people. They really love musicals. Conrad sang that 'Gravity' song for weeks. Leo wants to be the guy from Grease.  Vampires ain't no different than you or me. They just crazy.

Walnut Street Theater's a favorite, because it has the most ghosts. And if you go there, don't pee when the toilets are empty, 'cause you might really see something. They got a smashed-in-head guy what staggers through. Fell from the rigging two hundred years ago when them English heaved bombs into Philadelphia during one a them easy to remember wars what got the date in it. War of 1812, I think it was. He got half his jaw broke off. You can see like all the glands and spongy part. Ghost blood all over him. One eye look like a hangin' earring. Moans too. Walk right through you if he want, even if you takin' a crap. He don't care. 
One time a principal from Trenton, New Jersey die right on the toilet. But his ghost not there, 'cause he got a real bossy daughter an' she won't let him. Made him go live in her family room an' he don't like it, 'cause dog stink up the sofa too much. You know enchanted souls all got real highly developed sense a smell. That's why our vampires like them aroma candles and all.

This night Leo and Conrad walk down by the river. They don't go to the docks, or the piers, or the promenades. They go all the way down to the muddy part where you get wet. Cops was fishin' out a body. It all white and bleached and bloated. Look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, but with fingers and toes and a much more sadder and scrunched up face.  Ain't got no hair, 'cept for a few wispy-wisps. That 'cause crayfish chew it up.  Don't know what kind a doo-dads it got. Stomach too swelled up. Look like Peter Griffin when he get naked and all. Look like rubber... like a baby beluga, but not cute. Cop say it probably got itself killed, 'cause it naked and all. That make it hard to identify. Leo say it look like guy from the WaWa.  That a Philadelphia convenience store. Got good take-out too. Vampires buy hoagies over there. Not for them. They give it to homeless folks. But when they go by WaWa later, guy's still there an' he not even wet. Plus he ain't naked, or nothin'. So body not him. 

Lot a dead folk layin' 'round this place. Graveyards like McDonald's back in the day. Folks don't want their people what pass on movin' too far away. So they start dead farms all over. Place fill up, they start a new one. Sometime when even grand kids is dead folks forget who even buried there. That when they sell the place. Don't relocate the tenants. Tombstones disappear, though. They say lot of 'em got theyselves buffed off. Used 'em for front steps in South Philadelphia. So kids what stay up late on warm summer nights sittin' outside and talkin' got they butt-checks on some dead guy's one-time monument. 

Jus' found whole mess a dead folk holed up under a grade school. Say three thousand under playground in North Philadelphia. Actually, playground fill a laughin' kids nice place to get buried, provided you dead an' all. Not-dead folks not so happy.

Leo rip open neck of drunk guy on Bainbridge Street. Don't know if he got no 'vision' and all. He not strict like Tomas an' some a them other ones. Leo say it alright 'cheatin'' with drunk guys., 'cause they don't know. He hate drunk folk, 'cause his daddy used a be one. Conrad grab drunk guy's wallet 'fore 'cold' blue flame get it. Wanna mail it to his family. But Leo grab it back an' call him a 'schmuck.' Got like seventy one bucks in it. Buy hisself new underwears  at an all-night underwears store. You know you gotta have special licence you wanna run one a them.

Then they jus' go home.... Edith watchin' Celtic Women. They like Barbie dolls what know how to sing. Conrad say 'Hi.' Leo say 'Hi.' Edith say - Shhh, I watchin' somethin'. One a them Celtic Women sing 'It Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas.'..... Tomas and Sarah still out.  Leo and Conrad climb upstairs an' go to sleep. 

Leo doze right off, but Conrad say his prayers. That how he is.

Oh, an; corpse what got fished out a river... he want me to tell you his name 'Jeffery.'

Good night.

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