Thursday, December 5, 2013


Leo and Conrad, the newest vampires, go everywhere. They wander around the city like tourists taking in everything. Some nights they go see shows. Tomas has a 'familiar,' a press agent for a couple Center City theaters and he gets them tickets. Nobody ever gives them a second look. Conrad wears his Dockers. Leo comes off a bit edgier, but... so do a lot of people. They really love musicals. Conrad sang that 'Gravity' song for weeks. Leo wants to be the guy from Grease.  Vampires ain't no different than you or me. They just crazy.

Walnut Street Theater's a favorite, because it has the most ghosts. And if you go there, don't pee when the toilets are empty, 'cause you might really see something. They got a smashed-in-head guy what staggers through. Fell from the rigging two hundred years ago when them English heaved bombs into Philadelphia during one a them easy to remember wars what got the date in it. War of 1812, I think it was. He got half his jaw broke off. You can see like all the glands and spongy part. Ghost blood all over him. One eye look like a hangin' earring. Moans too. Walk right through you if he want, even if you takin' a crap. He don't care. 
One time a principal from Trenton, New Jersey die right on the toilet. But his ghost not there, 'cause he got a real bossy daughter an' she won't let him. Made him go live in her family room an' he don't like it, 'cause dog stink up the sofa too much. You know enchanted souls all got real highly developed sense a smell. That's why our vampires like them aroma candles and all.

This night Leo and Conrad walk down by the river. They don't go to the docks, or the piers, or the promenades. They go all the way down to the muddy part where you get wet. Cops was fishin' out a body. It all white and bleached and bloated. Look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, but with fingers and toes and a much more sadder and scrunched up face.  Ain't got no hair, 'cept for a few wispy-wisps. That 'cause crayfish chew it up.  Don't know what kind a doo-dads it got. Stomach too swelled up. Look like Peter Griffin when he get naked and all. Look like rubber... like a baby beluga, but not cute. Cop say it probably got itself killed, 'cause it naked and all. That make it hard to identify. Leo say it look like guy from the WaWa.  That a Philadelphia convenience store. Got good take-out too. Vampires buy hoagies over there. Not for them. They give it to homeless folks. But when they go by WaWa later, guy's still there an' he not even wet. Plus he ain't naked, or nothin'. So body not him. 

Lot a dead folk layin' 'round this place. Graveyards like McDonald's back in the day. Folks don't want their people what pass on movin' too far away. So they start dead farms all over. Place fill up, they start a new one. Sometime when even grand kids is dead folks forget who even buried there. That when they sell the place. Don't relocate the tenants. Tombstones disappear, though. They say lot of 'em got theyselves buffed off. Used 'em for front steps in South Philadelphia. So kids what stay up late on warm summer nights sittin' outside and talkin' got they butt-checks on some dead guy's one-time monument. 

Jus' found whole mess a dead folk holed up under a grade school. Say three thousand under playground in North Philadelphia. Actually, playground fill a laughin' kids nice place to get buried, provided you dead an' all. Not-dead folks not so happy.

Leo rip open neck of drunk guy on Bainbridge Street. Don't know if he got no 'vision' and all. He not strict like Tomas an' some a them other ones. Leo say it alright 'cheatin'' with drunk guys., 'cause they don't know. He hate drunk folk, 'cause his daddy used a be one. Conrad grab drunk guy's wallet 'fore 'cold' blue flame get it. Wanna mail it to his family. But Leo grab it back an' call him a 'schmuck.' Got like seventy one bucks in it. Buy hisself new underwears  at an all-night underwears store. You know you gotta have special licence you wanna run one a them.

Then they jus' go home.... Edith watchin' Celtic Women. They like Barbie dolls what know how to sing. Conrad say 'Hi.' Leo say 'Hi.' Edith say - Shhh, I watchin' somethin'. One a them Celtic Women sing 'It Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas.'..... Tomas and Sarah still out.  Leo and Conrad climb upstairs an' go to sleep. 

Leo doze right off, but Conrad say his prayers. That how he is.

Oh, an; corpse what got fished out a river... he want me to tell you his name 'Jeffery.'

Good night.

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1 comment:

John L. Harmon said...

Now I am absolutely terrified of toilets, Grease, and the Pillsbury Dough Boy!