NOW WE'RE A BIGGER AND EVEN MORE NEUROTIC VAMPIRE FAMILY..... 12/17/13

No disembodied spirit narrator tonight. It's just me, wilkravitz. I started typing my name that way years ago when they made me start this, but by now you know I'm 'Billy.' OK, no more 'wilkravitz.' I'll say 'Billy.' They're fighting. They're all fighting. Conrad wants to be a comedy writer. Jonathon, or Tomas, or whatever you want to call him almost had a stroke. He goes - You stupid, stupid, stupid son of ah beech.....You know how his accent comes out when he gets mad. Three hundred and thirty years in this country and still sounds like Ricky Ricardo. No, not Ricky Ricardo. Like that swordsman guy Mandy Patinkin played in The Princess Bride. Similar haircut too, only shaped better. 

Conrad sent jokes into Jimmy Fallon. They got a format. there's a way they package them. He googled it. I didn't type it up for him. Maybe Leo did. I don't know. They were jokes about The Sound of Music. Conrad loves The Sound of Music. Von Trapp Family versus Jackson Family on Family Feud. More like a bit. More like a sketch than jokes. Fallon's the host. Von Trapp kids all like eighty three years old. Still got them little sailor suits.  Jacksons all got Jerri Curls. Von  Trapps keep callin' Fallon ' Fraulein Maria, 'cause they're senile. Every time they give a bad answer they start shaking and goin' - You're not gonna call Hitler are you?... I don't know what the Jacksons said. Never saw those pages. 

But some woman emailed him. Asked for more material. He arranged to meet her too. A dinner meeting in New York. Figured he'd rent a windowless panel van, or something and ride up in the back. Tomas goes - You stupid! stupid! son of a beech! What if she hire you!? What if she give you a job?! How you gonna make a pee pee? How you gonna take a urine test!? You think about THAT, you dumb bastard!? How you gonna go to work? Go! Go! They raise a window shade, you go 'poof.' You die. That'll be it... Leo starts clapping. Conrad bangs his fist on the table. Baylah was there and she says - Look, Conrad, if you want to do a set, come to the piano bar. I'll fix it up..... He sniffs and goes - Really??... Tomas rattles off something in Old Vahmperigo. Sounds a lot like Catalan. Like that kind a Spanish. Like Spanish mixed with French. Then he goes - I'm not feeling well. I'm light headed... and he storms out. Grabs his leather jacket and storms out. ... Everybody looks. The elferinos and elferinas don't know what to say, being new here and all. Baylah sighs. Conrad whines. Edith says - He ain't gone no where, 'cause he ain't got them 'bootkins' on. What, he's gonna walk around in socks all night? (gestures out toward the street) They don't know he's a vampire? They're gonna know he's crazy?..... Then she looks at Conrad and goes - Conrad, you got 'buyer's remorse.'  I'm not a life-eater. I'm not a vampire, but I know, 'cause I listen and I hear a lot and I'm smart..... Leo goes - Yeah, and you're a witch too.... Edith says - Alright, I'm a witch too, but that's not what this is about..... Nobody says anything. Conrad starts rocking back and forth like he's on the continuum. Look, this is a common thing. Vampires get that way. New ones, I mean. They see things. The Holidays come around. They hear music. They smell something. You know how important 'smell' is to them? And they remember. They remember 'before.' They remember the daylight. 'Daylight fever' it's called. And he's got it. Baylah knows. Tomas knows too. Look, he gets crazy. You know that. Conrad 'll go with Baylah. He'll do some comedy. The stuff he sent to Jimmy Fallon isn't all he has. OK, he'll have to read it out of a black and white composition book, but that could be like his 'thing.' Let him get it out of his system. Maybe he'll be the world's first openly night-folk comic? Carson Daly'd have him. Can you imagine what Chelsea Handler and Andy Cohen would do with him? They tried to tell humanity about all that vampire crap before. I mean 'all' of humanity. Not just a few 'familiars' and some cops who run interference, but everybody.

I wish Sarah was here, but she went out. Had to buy underwear for the elferinos and elferinas. They didn't have any. Didn't know about it. Three hundred years and no tightie-whities. Can you imagine? Sounds like a novel . It's Christmas time. A lot a vampires shop now. Stores stay open. They never close.  And it's winter.

Everybody looks dead...

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THE VAMPIRE KNOWN AS TOMAS HAS 'FAMILIARS' ALL OVER TOWN... 12/15/13

Initially they slept at a hotel. Tomas has connections all over town, so it wasn't too hard to arrange. The two elferinos and two elferinas were given suites in a rather posh boutique establishment overlooking The Old State House, known to out of towners as 'Independence Hall.'  Roland smiled. He said he remembered the venerable edifice from earlier nights. It was cheek by jowl with bookshops, bakeries, chandlers,oyster houses, tailor shops and counting houses back then. Much grander now, what with green swards and charming, brick pathed grounds. The others recalled those nights too, but kept silent, considering their loss and all. 

Management knew just what to do. This wasn't the first time night-folk stopped there. Four months ago a rather rock and roll British comedian and his Quebecois, former model, vampirina girlfriend took a suite on the fourth floor where they drank ice filled tumblers of Grey Goose all day. These four should be easy. The rooms all have room darkening shades and not just shades, draperies too. 'Housekeeping' is quite discrete. They can even put cots in the bathrooms if the 'guests' are afraid to sleep so close to windows. You can serve a catered diner in the granite and marble en suites they have at that place.

Contractors were brought into the townhouse, where they altered the lower level, constructing four, snug, walnut paneled sleeping chambers. Like bed-sits on a train they were. Each one fitted with wall mounted, flat screen (is it still necessary to say that?) televisions and wifi. Vampires might hide from the sun, but they don't always sleep.

Sarah said - Let me chose the linens..... Tomas didn't care. He assumed she'd do that. Or maybe Baylah, or Edith, or somebody. So she joined the Christmas throng one evening and went to Macy's, where she found eight hundred count Egyptian in an ivory shade well suited to the walnut veneers. I think she bought pillows of all types and duvets, but I'm just a disembodied spirit narrator and not particularly well versed in the decorative arts.

The elferinos and elferinas were quiet when they moved in. Unlike the hotel, this was for the long haul. Besides, they still missed the caretaker's wife and on their first night back went to visit her grave, right next to the resting place of her little one. The shrubs and trees were bare now, but the setting was still quite nice.

Afterwards they took little drinks from passersby on South Street. Their type can move so rapidly people hardly notice the bites. .Mortals are rarely drained to death. Elferinos and elferinas are not like that.

And so the night world moves on. Marianne and Roland and Celeste and Albion were 'home' now. Though they would have to learn how to come and go from the house without drawing undo attention.

For some mortal neighbors can be real rats....

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THEY LEAVE WALLETS WHERE POOR FOLKS CAN FIND THEM...... 12/14/13

They have a place where they sit. It's a little roof on a building next to a Dunkin Donuts. There's a dumpster down there off to the side in a walkway going back to an alley. Twice a night the people from the store dump unsold merchandise in it. Not stale crap. They could still sell it, but the manager of this franchise likes everything real fresh, because there's a Starbucks down the street and they sell a lot of the same things. Poor folks know the schedule. Some of them dive for stuff. Tomas hides up there on that roof. You can't see him from the street, because it has like a rim or a border around it. He peeks down from there. Been doing it for years. Since she's been here, Sarah goes up with him too. They take a wallet, just a plain wallet. Buy a new one every time. Fill it with twenty dollar bills. That way you get the most money in it. Sure fifties or hundreds would be better, but some places won't take them. With twenties, you can get about four hundred dollars in there and it will still fold over. 

Toss it down when they see somebody coming. Not too many people on the street real late at night. Homeless folks go fishing then. They look for doughnuts, apple fritters, flat bread sandwiches . Sometimes even little plastic containers filled with tuna fish, which are still edible if you get 'em real quick. They got one lady who comes by regularly. She's only semi-homeless. Got an old aunt with a disability in a little studio nearby. Lets her sleep on a cot. Little girl sleeps on a foam flip chair that turns into a bed. Tomas and Sarah gonna give her a wallet. Let it go 'plop' on the side walk. Dumpster lady jumps a little. She don't know what it is. Could be a pigeon, 'cause dead ones occasionally splat down from the sky, especially late at night. God knows what's up there. But she sees it. And it ain't no dead pigeon. Lady looks all around. Streets empty. Ain't no witnesses. Tomas puts a piece of adhesive tape over the open part of the wallet to keep it closed so none of the money falls out. She picks it up. Holds it right over her breast bone and looks. Sees all the money. Gets real still for a second, then shoves it all the way down in her pocket. Keeps her hand down there with it too. She got an old coat and they got deep pockets. Drops her plastic bag with the doughnuts and tuna fish in it and all, pulls down her knit cap and runs off. Sarah (she's up there too) whispers - Let's put a diamond ring in it next time..... Tomas goes - What would she do with it? Go to one of those 'we buy unwanted gold and jewelry' places? They'll cheat her. They'll steal it from her. This way is better. At least they eat real food. At least the little girl gets a coat, some Christmas toys.... Sarah says - Next time put a card in it, one of those pre-loaded debit cards. We could put a few thousand dollars on that. One of  your 'familiars' could do it.What? didn't you ever think of that before?....... Truth is, he never thought of that before. She forgets how old he is sometimes.

They climbed down from the roof and walked home. Streets were icing up. So much steam comin' up from them grates, looks like ghosts dancin' on the corners. Sometime like two ghosts dancin' a duet.

Sarah goes into an all night convenience store near where they live and buys two turkey breast hoagies with the works. Not for her and Tomas. She wants 'em for wilkravitz and Edith. Tomas gets a People Magazine. They pay and walk out. Tomas says it's good for them to be seen buying food 'round where they live. Most folks don't know 'bout them. This way they look more real.

When they do get back to the townhouse, Marianne is there. She's one a the elferinas... the talkative one. If you want, you can GOOGLE Marianne In Britches by Billy Kravitz and read all about her. Gotta scroll up and down though. It's a long story and she had a rough beginning. They can see she's been crying. Edith tried to comfort her. Gave her a hot apple cider. But she's still all broken up. Tomas goes - What's wrong? What happened?..... He sort a knows. Vampires feel things. Not the details, but they know. Thing is, Marianne wants to talk and he lets her.

She died. She's dead - the elferina sobs. The caretaker's wife. She's gone. And we don't want to stay there anymore.... Sarah hugs her. Tomas says - We'll take care of you..... Though he knows he doesn't really have to take care of them. These pubescent vampires are very self-reliant. It's just that they don't want to be alone. The caretaker went off with the niece and nephew. Soon there'll be another caretaker there. They don't want that anymore. One hundred and sixty nine years in that cemetery is enough.

But he wonders how it'll work out. So many night-folk coming and going from one address... So many.

And not all mortals are so tolerant....

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TOMAS TAKES A VICTIM IN RITTENHOUSE SQUARE....... 12/13/13

I speak as it happens. or rather I think it. wilkravitz sits in the townhouse kitchen, half asleep over the wide, granite island and types it in. No one else, other than Edith, is home. Sarah is off curing orphans and old people. I think Leo and Conrad went to The SugarHouse Casino. They're hooked on video poker. One of our 'familiars' meets them at the entrance. He gives them five hundred dollars. That's enough. Long lived creatures like me have deep coffers, but that's no excuse to squander it. And Leo swears he won't kill anyone. Might take a few bloody kisses. It's hard for vampires to pull back. The compulsion is so strong. But he can do it. I hope.  Conrad, I don't have to worry about. He's not even really like a vampire. He's more like a middle school, social studies teacher. I don't know. Maybe it's the pants. Edith says Dockers pants look schmucky on a vampire. He doesn't like to hear that. Claps his hands over his ears and rocks back and forth. Then he goes 'na--na na na na--na na na na--na na--na--na na na' like from that old 'Land Of a Thousand Dances' record..... And she sits there and yells - SCHMUCK! SCHMUCK! SCHMUCK!... He starts crying. She feels bad. You know she's not like that. Maybe it's living with vampires? I can only guess what we must be like. I'm gonna buy her a nice sweater. She likes sweaters. Maybe send her for a pedicure too. did you ever think you'd hear a vampire talk like this? But you know what? I'm glad I can talk like this. It keeps me sane. I'm only post-human after all.

But it's cold out here. The square is empty. Nobody coming out of the restaurants and bars. Most of them are closed. A few are open. It's freezing. Looks like a stage set. Everything appears exceptionally three dimensional. All the edges seem sharp and hard. I like the tiny bee lights. The trees look nice. But now I see them... two of them. One's all dapper in a suit and top coat. Apparently he likes trim leather boots too. The other one's big... a real big guy... beer belly... fleshy faced. He's not so dressed up. Got a gun in his pocket. They come around now for the 'protection' money. Right after closing, that's when they come. Tills are full. They know that. I hate them. They hurt people. They kill people. It's a joke. It's business. You know how we talk about the Jersey Pine Barrens? They plant people there. I can show you where too. But tonight, I, Tomas de Macabea, also known as Jonathon ben Macabi, gonna 'cull' the mortal herd a little. It's alright. I had a vision. 

So I start walking toward them. I'm real quiet at first. Don't make a sound. Night-folk thing. Easy trick. We can all do it. They don't turn around. Don't suspect a thing. Wouldn't make any difference if they did. Then I do that move where I scrape the sole of my bootkin against the cement a certain way so it makes sparks. I don't think mortals can do it, but vampires can. Has to do with speed and force. Fat guy looks over his shoulder and sees me. But he doesn't think anything of it. I look like some eighteen year old... a nice looking, stylish eighteen year old, but a kid. They keep going. Must be parked in the little alley. Cops won't bother them. Then I start whistling... Teddy Bears' Picnic... When you go out on the streets tonight, you're in for a big surprise..... I know that's not the real words, but that's how I think of it. 

Fat guy turns around and goes - Yo, asshole, you got a problem?..... Next thing he knows, I sublimate right through the air. To him it looks like I disappeared where I was and reappeared right in his face. Guy goes - Jesus Christ!... Reaches for his gun, but I crush his wrist and bite that fleshy, greasy, honker right off his face. Now he's gagging. Now he's crying. Dapper guy backs up against a building. Tries to sneak away. But he sees the whole thing. He sees me rip that flabby neck right open. Fat bastard trembles. Snot dripping out his Skeletor nose holes. Big piss stain blooming on the front of his pants. Eight heartbeats later he's dead. Dapper guy sees the body guard light up. Sees the blue flame. Sees him disappear. Like flash paper. They go up like flash paper. Big, lacy ashes float up into the air. Dapper guy makes like he gotta go somewhere. Like he's real nonchalant. Jus' gone 'round the corner. Jus' gone 'round the corner. But I go 'round with him and he dies in the shadows on a hard, icy street. 

Fat bastard's nose still lying on the sidewalk where I spit it. Pick it up with a napkin. Not a regular, cheap, supermarket napkin, but a big, heavyweight, creamy one from The Cheesecake Factory. Don't know how I got it, but I got it. Gonna send it to his family in case they want to have a funeral, or a luncheon, or something.

I know these events have not been related in my usual irresistible vampire cadence. But it's cold out here. And I'm not playing around.

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Billy Kravitz' vampire wonderland: The Book of Sarah ... early nights in the relationship of the Vampire, Tomas, and his consort, Sarah..... 12/12/13

Billy Kravitz' vampire wonderland: The Book of Sarah:  This is coming to you through wilkravitz. Something happened. They firebombed the house. They burned it. They destroyed it. I was 'slee...This originally posted almost three years ago. Very good peek into the first nights of our Tomas and Sarah 'thing.' Six people have seen it. That's all. Most of our traffic came in the last year. So essentially this is brand new. 

I think the way this works is you have to click on the actual episode at the top of this page...where it says 'Billy Kravitz' vampire wonderland: the Book of Sarah'... That'll take you to a nice, good, long post.... 

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From "On the Town" - Some Other Time! - Eileen Farrell, Leonard Bernstein ... The Caretaker's Wife Dies..She was important to the elferinos and elferinas... 12/11/13

She gave then scarves and mittens. Every year she made them new ones. And they sat on the floor of the little caretaker's cottage listening to her sing. The elfie-folk liked the way she sang. Sometimes they heard songs from old movies, or Broadway musicals. The caretaker's wife knew them all. Her husband liked the songs too. He accompanied her on the piano.... Nothing grand. Just a small, worn upright salvaged from God knows where. If there were any other souls to hear it, the sound of music drifting from those walls must have seemed strange in such a place. But Laurel Hill is a place of subtle enchantment, a mellow, urban necropolis laced with narrow lanes tracing pilgrim paths through the bedrooms of the dead. 

Marianne, the more forward of the elferinas mouthed the words. She knew Oklahoma and September Song plus a lot of things from Gypsy. And she liked these evenings with the two old people. They were family. Much nicer than the previous couple, or the six other couples before them. By mortal standards, Laurel Hill was quite old... one hundred and sixty nine years old to be exact. But for the elferinos and elferinas it was still fairly new. Albion, the second elferino, sensed the illness. He was good at that. He could sniff it out. Oh, the others knew too. Even the caretaker, though mortal, knew it. But people, mortal and otherwise often like to ignore things. Death comes hard to the elfin ones, especially the death of someone they love.

When the caretaker's wife began to roll her eyes and fan herself with a printed program left over from a recent, graveside service, they knew. Albion felt every heartbeat, but he pretended to be interested in his new mittens. Oh, they could have saved her with a tiny drink of their blood, but she wouldn't have it. Neither would her husband. It's not that they didn't love the four enchanted creatures, for they did. They loved them dearly. But they were mortals and that's just how it was. Death did not scare them. They had a child over there and the final journey would presage reunion. The elferinos and elferinas wondered about that. Family relationships ... true family relationships were quite exotic to them. Most, indeed all, had been members of 'el mundo vampirido ' for hundreds of years. In their eyes human lives burn fast, much as ordinary mortals view the lives of dogs. And they still missed people from so long ago. Dogs, to them, are as dreams.

Celeste nudged Marianne and Marianne spoke. She said - Please, 'mother,' let us help you..... But they sick, old woman just shook her head, as the caretaker went to sit next to her. They held hands. She wheezed. He said - It's alright. She just needs some rest. To us it's late, you know, children..... He always called them that and they rather liked it. So after a bit they gathered up their new scarves and mittens, kissed the caretaker's wife on her cheek and left. But they didn't go far. Each took a seat on an old, cement bench, originally meant to front a small, Romanesque mausoleum, but the family rejected it for unknown reasons, so it wound up here. They watched from the outside, as the few, low lights went out and the couple repaired to their room in the back. After a while that light went out too. 

The child who passed rested nearby beneath a small stone topped with a little lamb. Most children's stones had themes like that.... somber cherubs... faithful puppies. That's how they did things in Laurel Hill. They pubescent vampires went over to visit the little dead one. But his ghost wasn't there. It never was. For he is in another place... and now his mother is too. Roland said it first..... She's gone - he whispered.... They stood there for the longest time, then went back to the mausoleum where they slept and cried. Celeste and Albion wanted to go back to the cottage. They wanted to be with the caretaker. But they knew they couldn't. A mortal couple was already there. A niece and nephew, I think it was. So they stayed where they were til the cold, morning light crept near. Then they settled in and slept as night-folk do. Each dreamed of other caretakers... mortal families... their families... gone and dead for centuries. But sometimes dreams are more than dreams...

And the dead have their dreams too...

Tomorrow night they'd use their blood to rescue fragile souls, but not now. This day the seventeenth century lived again and the elfin folk were there.

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Jupiter Ascending Official Trailer (HD) Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum... our neurotic Docker-wearing vampire, Conrad, turned us onto this...

Whoa! Dissa Looka GUDE! 
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