YOU MAY KNOW ZEBULON, ONE OF OUR DISEMBODIED SPIRITS (narrators). HERE, HE SHARES SECRETS OF HIS OWN..., PRIESTLY INTRIGUE and ASSYRIAN VAMPIRES HIDING IN ZION...please disregard his careless script. he worked in haste..

I will have to transmit this information very quickly. there are those who do not want me to share these things. they do not believe you (modern humans) are worthy of such knowledge. this is Zebulon. I know I have told you many things about my beginnings. some of them are true (after a fashion). while others were merely burlesques, grotesque manipulations of the truth. But now I speak in a clear voice. this time my words are wrought in gold.

Oh., how I long for those days. May father was a hereditary priest in the Temple of Solomon, a prince bishop, as it were, arrayed in the white and silver robes of a high cleric. He sat in The Great Sanhedrin, part of a noble senate devoted to God and charged with maintaining Earthly purity. Was he First Priest to Zion ?(what many erroneously call the High Priest) No, he was not. Think of him as a cardinal. Indeed, the very structure of the Trinitarian Vatican is based on our beginnings.

A spoiled child, I was. Raised in a palace. Schooled in The Scriptures by the Prophets themselves. And when the time came for my father to be Gathered to Our Fathers and take his place under the Saphire Throne, I would ascend to his chair, joining that blessed assembly.

Privy to miracles he was. Confidant to the angels and earthly manifestation of The Heavenly Host. Yet I wandered the byways of David's City, an urchin among urchins, taking my fun from simple things. Stealing a peach. Upsetting a spice cart. Tickling the ear of a blind man. But I heard thinngs and I saw things. Mundane things and secret things. Some of them torment me to this very day. For I walked with the Night Folk and drank soup from witches cook pots. I saw them. I did. They were there. They fed on us and laughed at Divine Writ. Beings from afar. Assyrians, I suppose. Or at least they were Assyrians when they were alive. But they were not alive. They were something else.

They offered me blood. I wanted it. I needed it. They tempted me. Skill in games? It would be mine. A winning smile? Of course. Strength? Speed? Without a doubt. Drink it - they said. Taste it. Let it trickle down......And I did, durinng the sixteenth night of my fourteenth year. Already a knowing soul in the eyes of God, for I had been Consecrated in the Faith fifteen days before.

It happened that a servant from our household saw me. He ran home to tell the tale......Well, what  manner of truth can I tell you?  I pay for my transgression to this very night. Jonathon is my charge. He must succeed. And the world must grow to be a better place

Now do  not think that all vampires are evil. They are not. If you are a regular follower of our tale you know this. But I was not meant to travel their road. So I travel it yet, in a ghostly form to this day... Some may have read these words before, while others have not. That's just how it is.  And if you'd like me to recount the torment of my death, leave a message (comment)... To everything there is a season. And a time for every purpose under Heaven... Adieu, my best beloveds.......OH! and one more thing. If you'd like to feel my presence (spirit) lay your fingers upon the keys (lightly, please) close your eyes and dream......

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EDITH, A VAMPIRE FAMILIAR SHARES SOME WISDOM

This is Edith. I'm sitting on the porch of a snug, little,clapboard, farmhouse deep in the Jersey Pines. It's dark. It's damp. It's chilly. My kind a weather. Could stay out here for hours, just rockin' back and forth, listening to the whispering mist. Got a hand knit sofa throw over me to keep warm. Thought I heard a 'devil,' a Jersey Devil, shuffling through the brush a few minutes ago. Smelled like a female. I got a sharp honker. I can pick up those things. Bud, my husband (yeah, I know. I never spoke of him) is inside clickin' back and forth between some baseball game and a decorating program on HGTV. I can hear it. 'The transformation is nearly complete.' Boy, I wish it was that easy. Am I gonna go back to the place in Chestnut Hill? Well, yeah, I guess so. Only sometimes I need the quiet, old timey silence of The Pines. Juices me up a little. Gets the magic flowing.

I know what Jonathon and the others are trying to do in Jerusalem. Papa tells me. I pick up things on my own. And they are sincere. And they do believe in the basic goodness of humanity. But I know folks who believe in Santy Claus and they still gotta fork over two dollars and ninety-nine cents every time they chew on an el cheapo meal from Burger King. Santy Klaus ain't never once opened his wallet. So you will have to excuse me. I have grown a bit cynical where religion is concerned. Not that I doubt the existance of God, but I'd like to see Him pick up a check every once in a while. And then you know what's funny? A little later, when I go inside to sleep, when I lie down in bed and get all comfy, I'm still gonna say my prayers. Not out loud. Not  so anybody'd hear them. Bud snores anyway. And those Red Paint guys we got squattin' down the cellar got their own kind a heebie-geebie business going on. They dont care what I believe. No, I take that back. they do care IF I believe, just not about all the razzle-dazzle, glitz and tassles I tie all over it. Maybe they should go over to the Middle East. and not just the Middle East too, if you know what I mean.

'Beauty is as beauty does.' That's what my mom always said. And she could fry an egg just by lookin' at it. She was a hum-dinger of a pow-wow woman. She knew lots a stuff. She was right. It ain't hard. All's we gotta do is start doin' beautiful stuff. Brighten the corner where you are. I suppose that puts me in the 'micro' minded camp with Baylah. But, then again.....I ain't in Jerusalem.

You know that dream is still goin' 'round. The one about 'I am the Unity...,' I mean . Trouble is.....some folks think it's a nightmare. They like their biases and they ain't ready to give 'em up.....

Now, be quiet. Don't make any noise. Maybe that little Jersey Devil filly will come back.....And after the summer we had....don't that cool air feel nice......'Potential.' The people inside  on HGTV are talkin' about potential.. I can hear 'em...Yeah, well....we got a lot a that.....
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THANKS FOR VISITING TONIGHT'S EPISODE. PLEASE ALLOW YOURSELF TO TRAVEL BACK IN TIME. WANDER THROUGH OUR EARLIER POSTS....ALL THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY SIX OF THEM.....ABSORB A BIT OF LA CIENCIA VAMPIRISMO.

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PLEASURABLE INTERLUDES WITH A TWENTY EIGHT THOUSAND YEAR OLD VAMPIRE CHIEFTAN

This is Papa speaking to you. I am in the bowels of the Anti-Enchantment-Bureau, suspended in the electro-magnetic web created by the Great Armonica. Very relaxing. I find it very relaxing. Doctor Franklin cranks it up. I strip down and jump in. Oooh, it feels so good. The charge rushes through my body. Far superior to those 'anti-gravity' spinning devices they have at some health clubs. I do not know. Help me. Are they yet coveted by the masses? Do they still have them? The fickleness of contemporary human culture never fails to amaze me.  Ah...ah...wait...wait...Just a moment. Just a moment. Please, please. There, there. Oh, it 'tickles.' It feels so good. It feels so good. Please! Please! Yes! Yes! No! No! Yankee Doodle!! Yankee Doodle!!! Just like fuckin' birthday cake! Birthday cake! Birthday cake!!!! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH!........oh...oh...oh....

The female technicians in attendance appear dumbstruck. Some of the other genders they have 'round here look dumb struck too. Doctor Franklin and his team have assembled quite an assortment. No one can tell what the Jersey Devil thingie they have here really is. And two of the scientists think the mermaid hag is really just an old, droopy breasted, merMAN. You know how touchy they are about their cloacas.

Some nights, when he truly cranks it up, I can see into parallel universes. A few of them are quite nice. People grow cotton candy hair you can eat and all that. Gives a very different meaning to getting a 'Brazilian.' Others terrify me. Solid stone. Just solid stone, filling the cosmos forever, with maybe a small crack eternities apart, harboring strange annd elusive microscopic cultures. Sometimes I can almost hear them sing.

We monitor events in Jerusalem. I am almost always in telepathic contact with my beloved vampire son. Jonathon means the world to me. I pray that he succeeds. I hope they can bring peace. In one universe, it has already happened. The two Kingdoms of Israel and Ishmael rule side by side, dominating the former Roman, Parthian realms in a kind of PAX SEMITICA. You should see the Space Arks they build. And the colonies on the parallel Mars are quite beautiful. Humus flavored ice cream is a bit much though, but what can you do.

Oh, yes! Before I forget...There is this  universe, I have only seen it once (Doctor Franklin maybe two or three times) where the moon drifts ever closer to the Earth. Monster tsunamis (can you say DEEP IMPACT?) regularly scour the coastal regions. And guess what's predicted for December 21, 2012? Come on. Do I really have to tell you?

Laila made her first independent kill. Not with Renate. Odd, she is my vampiric mother, but I rarely imagine her that way. And not with the elfin Roland. She was surprisingly good at it too. The victim hardly felt a thing. She looked so nice. The light from the cold blue flame suits her. What is that? You are not familiar with the cold blue flame? Well, you uninformed, lazy thing you....go and google VAMPIREWONDERLAND, spontaneous human combustion and learn something. I told you, we only pretend that this is fiction...

Now shhhh...Be quiet. He's doing it. Doctor Franklin is cranking it up again. Go! Go! Go!...Go away! Go away!...I have no time for you now....

HOLLYWOOD ON THE JORDAN RIVER.....ISRAEL AND ISHMAEL, COMING SOON TO A MULTIPLEX NEAR YOU

Some film guy from L.A. met them in this room. an office, it was. Pretty nice to, with a view of the honey, colored Old city and everything. You see, Jerusalem is actually a fairly big place. Got more than 775,000 people, not counting the outlying suburbs. You can get a stylish condo, or a co-op, or a townhouse. They got these Mediterranean villas from the seventeen and eightteen hundreds (and no, I do NOT mean b.c.). You know, like the place where Laila met up with Roland. But if you want one of the villas, get ready to pony up at least two and a half million American dollars. I know, 'cause I just seed 'em sell one on HGTV.

So they got Jonathon and Sarah sitting in this specially darkened room. The rest of 'em are in the 'great room' next door....Lots a glass.....Picture-book view. There's the L.A. contingent, the resurrected John Lennon, Bob Dylan and Yusef Islam (listen, how many times do I have to tell you that he is the artist formerly known as Cat Stevens?). I think Yoko was there too and a few other 'movers and tremblers' (as opposed to genuine movers and shakers). Everybody's suckin' down diet cokes and eatin' a mess a humus. The vampire twosome in the dark room is breathin' in a tart, green apple smell, I think it was. Yes, the got Yankee Candle stores in Israel. Think I even saw one in Ramallah too. Somebody activates the computer screen in the dark room and a video of the two boys pops into view. One of 'em, the Jewish one, is actually named Israel. The other one, the Muslim one, now get this, is named Ishmael. And then this voice comes on. I think it's the guy who announces all them coming attractions at the multiplex. He tells us about their rare disease and how they require some kind a unconsconably expensive transplant. Then they pull back to show us the two donors. Little Israel is a match with the Arab guy and little Ishmael , you guessed it, gets the Jew. Everybody's smiling. The two boychickles are going up and down on a sea-saw. The sun is shining. And I'm almost sure the adult guys in the film were eating a lot of humus too. Could a been a humus commercial. No, really. I'm not kidding. I saw the jar and everything. The 'movie announcer voice' goes on to detail the uniqueness of the situation and the symbolism of it all. We see a team of doctors and nurses, a smiling mix of Israelis and Ishmaelis. They don't say Palestinian no more, 'cause why would a people with a genuine biblical tie in want to hide it under a Jaffa orange crate for some ancient off-shoot of the Aegean (did I spell it right?) Greeks? I mean it was the Romans who came up with that moniker to disrespect all the locals around here.

The L.A. guy (the head one, the one with the diamond bezel on his watch) tells how they got more than 2,000 prints of that video playin' in movie theatres all over the U.S. and Canada, kind a like them Will Rogers fund raiser commercials. And they got these slick, toy-like, geography kits showing maps of Israel and Ishmael...two sovereign nations carved from 'The Land of Abraham,' ready to distribute in classrooms all over the Middle East. Jonathon actually started to cry. But Sarah was a bit more controlled. She asked what the 'other side' was doin'. 'Cause not everybody's gonna get so sentimental just because that movie announcer guy starts  talkin'. And some a them are gonna use those geography kits as kindling when they light up their real big, nasty bonfires.

Who am I? Oh, don't tell me you did not recognize my distinctive speech patterns. It is me. It is Zebulon. But hush up. Them three famous song writers I told you about at the beginning are commencin' to warble and I do not want to miss this.

Gimme a few nights. I'll skedaddle through the Akoshic Records and try an find out what transpires. Mebbe find a newspaper printed in Ishmael, or something encouraging like that.....and then again...mebbe not.

Damn, that Yusef Islam sounds sweet.

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AN UNKNOWN SPECIES OF VAMPIRINO TELLS A TRUTH

this is the time of the year when the sadness slowly fades. three weeks from now is even better. I live for the months when the nights are longer than the days. christmas time is best. Frosty nights filled with cheerful darkness. if they only knew I was out there. you don't know my name and the beings responsible for this ongoing tale are not in the least familiar with me. I inhabit the black at the botton of cellar stairs. I creep through inky darkness.

they may have told you something of the noxious variety of life-eater, crazed, demented dead souls condemned to a never ending gnawing hunger. Well, maybe I'm like them. But during the few, fleeting instants when you see me, I appear quite normal.  No crazed eyes. No drooling gash. Just a regular male specimen..... a regular, extremely attractive male specimen. we lock eyes in a speeding subway car. you feel me in the shadows. you catch sight of my face, just inside the black, iron fence surrounding a cemetery.No one else is around.....No one else is ever around. Maybe you shouldn't have gone out alone. Maybe you really do know better. but the level of your intelligence doesn't mean crap anymore. 

will you cry when I grab you? perhaps. will you tremble and pee? I suppose. Will you be warm? Of course. And you'll be salty and yeasty and oh, so good. My teeth are sharp...very sharp. And you'll gasp, as I gently tear into the skin. two lovers locked in an embrace. that's all the stars will see, till I take you to a darkness even  rats don't know. peel away the garments. expose the possibilities. Bite into the flesh. Drink the life-blood in. Lick it from my lips. kiss you. kiss you. tickle with my tongue. taste you. taste you. pitty, she's so young

and then you will be gone. the urine on the concrete will be dry. flaky, greasy ashes tumble up into the sky and melt away. but your memory passes through me with the blood. and you see the night, forever, through my eyes. a prisoner, locked inside me. no one dies.

EIGHT QUICK VAMPIRE FACTS...(not an actual episode, but good to know just the same)

1)vampires rarely kill a victim every night. If most major cities harbor between three and seven vampires, the number of 'culled' people would be too high. the public would certainly notice for sure.

2) Vampires suffer seasonal depression in the spring and summer...when the nights are short...They're 'happiest in late fall and winter when the nights are long. In that way, they are the opposite of most living humans.

3) Some vampires CAN imbibe alcohol. No one knows why. For instance, when they cull a drunken victim, the alcohol  in that person's system passes into the life-eater. Because of this ability, some vampires impersonate drunks and hang in bars.

4) Few, if any, vampires ever 'sleep' in coffins. Why would they? Their bodies crave comfort too. Actually, a good mattress and adequate 'black out' shades and draperies are all they need.

5) Religious talismans have no power over them. Most, in their own way, work for the betterment of humanity. It has been said----- They may not be the shepherd, but they definitely are his sheepdogs.....I guess that makes us mortals the sheep.

6) Vampires are extremely partial to pleasant aromas. If you follow our story, you know how much they enjoy a good scented candle. A Yankee Candle store is their idea of Heaven on Earth.

7) They have their own language, known as Vahmpeerigo, bases on medieval Italian, French and Spanish, spiced with a bit of Catalan and alpine German.......Communities from different parts of the world speak in tongues built on languages native  to their regions.

8) Most soon-to-be vampires strive to get in perfect shape before they are brought over...Imagine being an overweight night stalker for all eternity.

THATS ALL THATS ALL THATS ALL THATS ALL THATS ALL THATS ALL THATS ALL

OUR NEWLY MINTED VAMPIRE-GAL KILLS A BLACK WIDOW

A cool, September evening crept over the Holy Land. It happens sometimes. A breeze comes in off the sea, or  maybe down from the mountains heralding the approach of the biblical New Year. In three weeks it will be 5762 s.e. (since creation). OK, OK, OK, so the number is symbolic. Each year stands for an epoch. And if you look at it that way, it's pretty accurate. I mean all that 'In the beginning' and 'Let there be light' stuff sounds exactly like a description of the big bang. But I'm not here to talk about the heavenly ordained calender. My job is to channel some more information about Roland and Laila. You see, something didn't go right. She's almost an elf....Almost, but a little different. You want to know how it shows? Well, elves rarely kill people. They take tiny bites here and sucky, little kisses there, but nobody dies. Or hardly ever dies. Only laila doesn't appear to be like that. She has the hunger, the true vampirina hunger. Her skin peeled. She was burning up and everything. Papa's essence is always hovering around this place. That's because Jonathon (his vampiric son) is here. But he butts into my mind too. And he says she was too old. Laila, I mean. She was too old to become an elf. She wasn't on the brink of puberty. She was already swimming in it. Had a box of Kotex in her drawer and everything. I guess it's on the mark to say she came a little late to the dance. So she's over the rainbow. Not actually an elf (although her ears ARE a bit pointy and her flying skills are pretty good), more like a hybrid. And that's extremely unusual. So we gotta see how this is gonna play out.

Remember, this was only her first true night and she  already woke up with a vision ...a REAL vision. Roland didn't know what to do. He is totally an elf and they don't have to deal with stuff like this. But Renate sensed her need. Who knows? Maybe Papa sennt her. Maybe Moe, from The Three Stooges sent her. What the hell difference does it make? But that evening, when the sun went down, the surviving mother of all the life-eaters was there to greet her as she stepped out of the crypt. They have a lot of cryps on the Mount of Olives. Most are empty, the bones long ago finding their way into the lucrative relic market, or maybe they were carved up to make mah-jong tiles. What do I know. But some of the dead-boxes dug into this picturesque hill side are still occupied. And other camoflaged corpse condos have yet to be discovered. The place where Laila and Roland slept is like that. Nobody (no mortals anyway) knows where it is. They have to enter via an opened, deserted grave, squeeze through a crack-like niche in the back and shimmy down this little tunnel. But he (Roland) tried to make it homey. There's a stack of old comic books, some Teenage-Mutant-Ninja-Turtle sleeping bags and a couple of mag-lite flashlights plus a whole pile of double A batteries from this real cheap,  'Just Batteries' vendor in the souk (shuk in Hebrew). I'm not sure, but I think they got a few hand held, joker-poker, video games floating around in there too. Hey, vampires get bored too, you know.

So, let me get back to the 'Renate' stuff. She puts her arm around Laila and whispers something in her ear. If it was any other life-eater I'd be able to tell you what was said. But Renate is different. Does she mask her words (thoughts too) on purpose? I can't really tell. I mean she seems pretty level headed for a forty thousand year old supernatural (superpowered would be more like it) Cher look-alike. No, really, they do look exactly the same. People stop her on the street and start singing 'Turn Back Time' and everything. She just nods and smiles, but when she don't like the looks of 'em, she'll zap 'em with a real  lose runny case of  diahrrhea. Hey, being 'Witness-to-the Ages' doesn't necessarily give somebody an evolved sense of humor.

Now Laila was still all broken up over seeing her father and all. She is not about to give him up. She won't forget her family. But a true vision is a powerful thing. Renate, of course, understands this. So she hugs her and they 'crackle' through the air, all the way into the bedroom of some habitual husband poisoner...a real 'black widow', some sixty year old, paint-face bitch who makes a nice living stuffing tainted chunks a pickled herring down the pie-holes of her ninety year old bed partners. I don't know what they actually DO in bed. Pee the sheets is more like it.

So the hard looking thing wakes up, snorts a few times and lets rip with a fart before she realizes what's going on. Imagine, she got Cher and the girl from Slum Dog Millionaire standing there, in a shaft of moonlight,  right at the foot of her bed. Takes her a few seconds to get her teeth in. I think she's sixty eight and only says she's sixty. But by then, Laila's moved in close. And after Renate pokes and pinches her a few times, she opens her mouth, exposing the fangs. This sets the old bitch off. She starts yellin' and kickin' her rough, yellow-nailed, boney feet. Like one a them extreme boxers she was. Renate had to straddle her thighs and pinch her titties a few times to get her to stop. But I think almost swallowing her lower plate is what actually did it, 'cause she was about seventy five percent choked to death by the time Laila bit into her neck (more like where the neck meets the shoulder) and finished her off.

Granted, it was not pretty. But vampires aren't made for 'pretty.' They're made to cull the wicked. And Laila's first night as a professional was a resounding success. The next part, where she starts calling for her father and crying till  a whole bunch a snot came out her nose, a little less so.

Who knows? Perhaps one night she will catch up with him. Her father, I mean. But this night, the first night, Renate took her to this place to get her palms henna-ed and that sort of distracted her.

The life of an exotic vampirina....just like in the movies, right?

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AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT---------

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