Sunday, September 4, 2011

HOLLYWOOD ON THE JORDAN RIVER.....ISRAEL AND ISHMAEL, COMING SOON TO A MULTIPLEX NEAR YOU

Some film guy from L.A. met them in this room. an office, it was. Pretty nice to, with a view of the honey, colored Old city and everything. You see, Jerusalem is actually a fairly big place. Got more than 775,000 people, not counting the outlying suburbs. You can get a stylish condo, or a co-op, or a townhouse. They got these Mediterranean villas from the seventeen and eightteen hundreds (and no, I do NOT mean b.c.). You know, like the place where Laila met up with Roland. But if you want one of the villas, get ready to pony up at least two and a half million American dollars. I know, 'cause I just seed 'em sell one on HGTV.

So they got Jonathon and Sarah sitting in this specially darkened room. The rest of 'em are in the 'great room' next door....Lots a glass.....Picture-book view. There's the L.A. contingent, the resurrected John Lennon, Bob Dylan and Yusef Islam (listen, how many times do I have to tell you that he is the artist formerly known as Cat Stevens?). I think Yoko was there too and a few other 'movers and tremblers' (as opposed to genuine movers and shakers). Everybody's suckin' down diet cokes and eatin' a mess a humus. The vampire twosome in the dark room is breathin' in a tart, green apple smell, I think it was. Yes, the got Yankee Candle stores in Israel. Think I even saw one in Ramallah too. Somebody activates the computer screen in the dark room and a video of the two boys pops into view. One of 'em, the Jewish one, is actually named Israel. The other one, the Muslim one, now get this, is named Ishmael. And then this voice comes on. I think it's the guy who announces all them coming attractions at the multiplex. He tells us about their rare disease and how they require some kind a unconsconably expensive transplant. Then they pull back to show us the two donors. Little Israel is a match with the Arab guy and little Ishmael , you guessed it, gets the Jew. Everybody's smiling. The two boychickles are going up and down on a sea-saw. The sun is shining. And I'm almost sure the adult guys in the film were eating a lot of humus too. Could a been a humus commercial. No, really. I'm not kidding. I saw the jar and everything. The 'movie announcer voice' goes on to detail the uniqueness of the situation and the symbolism of it all. We see a team of doctors and nurses, a smiling mix of Israelis and Ishmaelis. They don't say Palestinian no more, 'cause why would a people with a genuine biblical tie in want to hide it under a Jaffa orange crate for some ancient off-shoot of the Aegean (did I spell it right?) Greeks? I mean it was the Romans who came up with that moniker to disrespect all the locals around here.

The L.A. guy (the head one, the one with the diamond bezel on his watch) tells how they got more than 2,000 prints of that video playin' in movie theatres all over the U.S. and Canada, kind a like them Will Rogers fund raiser commercials. And they got these slick, toy-like, geography kits showing maps of Israel and Ishmael...two sovereign nations carved from 'The Land of Abraham,' ready to distribute in classrooms all over the Middle East. Jonathon actually started to cry. But Sarah was a bit more controlled. She asked what the 'other side' was doin'. 'Cause not everybody's gonna get so sentimental just because that movie announcer guy starts  talkin'. And some a them are gonna use those geography kits as kindling when they light up their real big, nasty bonfires.

Who am I? Oh, don't tell me you did not recognize my distinctive speech patterns. It is me. It is Zebulon. But hush up. Them three famous song writers I told you about at the beginning are commencin' to warble and I do not want to miss this.

Gimme a few nights. I'll skedaddle through the Akoshic Records and try an find out what transpires. Mebbe find a newspaper printed in Ishmael, or something encouraging like that.....and then again...mebbe not.

Damn, that Yusef Islam sounds sweet.

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