A BUM GETS INVITED TO DINNER... 9/23/15

This is Jonathon ben Macabi. I know about the Ca-Ca and Timothy story arc. It's true! It's true! They're ALL true, except maybe that thing about the giant, human-like Edwardian dogs. Blame that on some old cheese. Edith left it in the refrigerator and Billy, the one who blogs for us, ate it. The refrigerator gets cleaned more often now.

The thing is all the Ca-Ca and Esther's murder events took place now, in August and September. He moved it up to November to confuse people, because some of their neighbors in South Philadelphia knew what happened. Plus the bum from the alley, who saw it all, ran around telling everybody. So, him, they had to kill. Doctor Franklin had one of his sleek, black, electric soundless cars pluck him off the street one night. The cops were in on it. They wanted to end this thing too. You see, Doctor Franklin and his people wanted to study the children. They wanted to analyze Timothy and Ca-Ca to see what makes kids kill other kids. And now they could. Better even, because they had the parents too.

Many of you know how large the underground, scientific installation is. The 'Anti-Enchantment-Bureau' spreads out for maybe eight acres and don't forget there're multiple levels. It all grew out of The Junto, an intellectual exploration society founded by Doctor Franklin in the seventeen twenties. And for the umpteenth time, no, he is not a vampire. The old patriot keeps ticking via deep and copious harmonic treatments on his Grand Armonica.

What was I talking about?... Oh, yes... the 'bum.' I hate that word. He was poor and homeless. He had issues. And now he's dead. They fed him to the merfolk. Doctor Franklin has a little colony (maybe four or five) occupying the big, maze-like tank once home to a baby Godzilla. But they don't do well all by themselves and the sad, little thing didn't make it. The staff dismembered it, sending tissue, bone and organ samples to biologists the world over. Still haven't figured out how a more or less dinosaur managed to survive so long and grow so large. Needless to say, the baby wasn't that big yet, since it was new-born, picked up off the Falklands. God knows where the parents are. Not to mention the siblings.

But they disinfected the tanks, put in some deep ocean décor and now the merfolk swim there. The Bureau doesn't own them. They're not slaves. Most stay for about six months and are then returned to a colony living nearby in the Gulf Stream right off Cape May. The various colonies send representatives to The Great Senate, somewhere in the Mid Atlantic Ridge. Pacific merfolk have their own thing and the ones in the Indian Ocean have quite an august empire with a powerful nobility and everything.

All merfolk eat human flesh, you know. They don't view it as cannibalistic, since the two strains are so different. And they eat it raw, right off the bone. Just stripped him down and threw the poor bum in. First he tread water for a bit. Lights were low to simulate evening. Then they began to drift back, the merfolk I mean, circling around him and brushing up against his skin. He quivered. He giggled. Soon they grew bolder, pinching him and poking with their fingers. They scratches his skin, the better to smell the blood. He tried to break away, but he couldn't. They were all around him, smiling and barring the way. One dove under, biting a little gobbet of flesh off his ass. Blood dripped from her mouth, as she broke the surface. The others laughed and joined in. The man screamed, as Bureau Personnel peered through the plexiglass and watched. Soon he looked just like a turkey after Thanksgiving dinner.

The Bureau, it seems, has a dark side....

<more next time>

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AN IMPORTANT DECISION OVER BURGERS & FRIED CHEESE STICKS AT DENNY'S ... 9/22/15

The next night they all met at a Denny's. Not in the city. This one was in Jersey. Ca-Ca was there with her father. Her mother didn't go. Timothy was there with both his parents. Some detective guy was there. He arrived first. And (get ready for this) Jonathon ben Macabi's consort, the vampirina, Sarah was with him. Regular readers know that our Philadelphia vampires and other night-folk have friends on the force. Jonathon could have come, but they felt a female would be less threatening.

They hostess, herself the daughter of an old Jersey Pine Barrens family, smiled and led them back to a secluded booth, as they came in. At first no one said a word. A waitress brought iced tea and everybody just looked at each other. Then the detective guy began. In a quiet voice, almost a whisper, he began - Look, they committed murder. But they're juveniles and eight years or less in a juvvy hall won't bring Esther back. It won't change a thing. Not for the 'better' anyway. Jail, any kind of jail is a deep, hard personal invasion. Ex Cons say it's like a rape. Can I say that in front of them? (he meant the kids). Timothy's father nodded, so he went on. But there's something else we can do. He gestured toward Sarah and said - The lady with me is a friend. We've worked with her and her people before.... Ca-Ca's father cleared his throat and said - Excuse me, but who the hell are are her people?.... Let me talk first - said the detective guy.... Sarah looked down and sipped her iced tea. As you know, vampires can tolerate clear, or mostly clear, liquids.... And he continued - Some scientists would like to study them. Your kids, I mean. Nothing invasive. Maybe some blood tests, or cheek swabs... The waitress silently put down platters of fried cheese sticks and little hamburgers.... Ca-Ca took two of the burgers. .... Timothy looks scared. His mother said - You mean give him up? Just let you take him?.... Well, what do you think the courts will do? - said the cop.... Nobody said a word.... Ca-Ca's father began to study Sarah. She knew, but made like she didn't. He said - Excuse me, Miss, who are you? Why are you here? If you don't want to talk about 'your people' that's all right, but who are you?... Sarah thought for a few moments before beginning. Then she said - My name is Sarah de Macabea (She and Jonathon were married, after all and whether they used 'de Macabea' or 'ben Macabi' was immaterial) and I represent a group heavily involved in the sciences. We'd like to find out what makes people kill.... And my son and that girl will be guinea pigs?... It won't be like that. And you don't have to give them up. You can come too - Sarah said..... What? Just pick up and go? - asked Ca-Ca's father. ..... Yes - she said. You'd disappear. Lock your door and walk away. Believe me. Your lives would not be hard at all.... The cop added - You think a lot of people know about the case? No, they don't. A few seconds on the radio or TV? People forget real fast. And if anyone does ask, all we have to say is the case is closed. Kids pleaded guilty and are now serving time in a juvenile facility at an undisclosed location. Families moved away to start new lives..... Like witness protection? - asked Tim's father..... A little - said the cop.... Have you ever done this before? - said his mother..... He looked at Sarah, the cop, I mean, and she said - At times. Scientific inquiry solves so much more than jail cells.... Where would you keep us? - said Ca-Ca's father..... Not far - said Sarah. We have a place, an off-shoot of a much larger facility we have in town about an hour from here, in The Jersey Pine Barrens. Most find the experience very interesting. You'd see things few other humans ever see...... Why'd you say 'humans' and not people? - asked Tim's father (to the cop) Is she an alien?..... No, nothing like that - said the cop.... Excuse me, but what about Esther's mother? What will you tell her? - asked Timothy..... The cop considered before responding. Then he said - Well, son, there's somebody with her right now. Esther's mother is very sad. you understand that?..... Tim nodded. The cop went on - She knows what we're telling you all right now. She wants her daughter's death to mean something. She hopes you'll cooperate and let us learn from you. She'll tell people you both pleaded guilty and are now in a juvenile detention center out of state.... Tim's mother wondered - What will her life be like?.... The cop looked at Sarah, who said - She'll be given a large sum of money, seven point five million dollars. I can't speak for her emotional life, but on the material side, things will be all right. Maybe even a job, or avocation that might help fill the void.

So what will it be? - asked the cop. And I hate to put it to you this way, but 'baby jail' and there ain't nothing babyish about it, or what she said?..... Ca-Ca's father was a shrewd guy. He said - I'll take her deal.... Sarah said - And Timothy's family?.... Tim's father nodded too. No one brought up Ca-Ca's mother. They just assumed she'd go along.

Then they ate the food. Sarah didn't. She just drank more ice tea. And the 'hostess' girl from the Pines, who wasn't really a restaurant hostess, made a few discrete phone calls to put things in motion.

Doctor Franklin and his exotic assistant, Luna, watching it all on his lap top, approximately twenty miles to the east, was quite happy.

Good experimental subjects were so hard to come by...

<to be continued>

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A SECRET VISIT BY A FRIEND ... 9/19/15

They checked the security cameras at the cemetery and turned the video over to the police... not the Delaware county police, where the grave is, but the Philadelphia police. Apparently, killers often show up at funerals, or turn up soon after. The detectives got a good look at Mike and Ca-Ca and Timothy. Everything looked innocent. Maybe they were cousins, or neighbors? That happens.

But one detective was somebody's relative.... Timothy's uncle, I think. And he took his work laptop home one night. Brought it to his sister's house. Timothy was upstairs playing video games when he came in and didn't notice. But when his mother said - Timothy, can you come down here?.. he knew something wasn't right. So he stopped shooting aliens, turned off the game and quietly went down the steps. His father was in the hospital with kidney stones. Nothing life threatening, just excruciating. But at least he wasn't there.

His uncle said - Hey, Tim... His mother just nodded and swallowed... Tim mumbled 'hi' and sat down... not on the sofa with the adults, but on an easy chair in the  corner. Nobody said anything at first. His uncle opened a laptop and tapped something out. He looked at his mother. She just shook her head a little and smiled... but it wasn't a happy smile. Then his uncle went over and sat on the ottoman in front of the chair. He turned the laptop around so his nephew could see it and said - Timmy, can you tell me who these people are?... Tim said - I'll try... but he looked at the screen and said nothing.... His mother sniffed and dabbed at her eyes.... Then his uncle said - Come on, Timmy, what do you see?.... Tim almost whispered. He said - Two kids. I guess two kids. One's a girl. And they got some guy with them.... Who's the guy? - asked his uncle.... Tim shrugged.... Who's the girl? - said the detective.... More shrugs.... Then he asked - What are they doing?... They're looking at Esther's grave - said the boy... His uncle sighed and turned toward his sister. She held her arms out to the boy, who ran to her and began to cry.

The uncle-detective said - Look, this is all informal, just between us and off the record. I don't know everything, 'cause it's not my case. I'm not even supposed to bring this laptop home... His sister whispered - I know... Then he said - They're gonna come by in a day, or so. Probably two of them. They always go in two's. Get a lawyer. I got a list...Not a lot, but three or four names. Good guys. They'll help you... and they won't take much... His sister nodded and took the paper. She looked at it and said - What if we can't pay?.... I'll pay - he said. But just don't say anything. You know I can lose my pension over this?... Timmy, why'd you do it?.... I didn't do it - sobbed the boy. Ca-Ca did it. I j-j-just helped.

Should I tell John? - said Timothy's mother.... No, wait till he gets out of the hospital. Let him rest a couple days - said the uncle. If you need me, call the other cell phone. Not the one I use for work. You know the number.... She nodded. Then he got up, lightly put his hand on Timothy's head and left.

Timothy and his mother sat there. She hugged him. She protected him. He fell asleep. She cried.

(more next time)

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THE JUVENILE KILLERS PAY THEIR RESPECTS AT ESTHER'S GRAVE... 9/17/15

Timothy and Ca-Ca went out to Esther's grave. They could have gone by bus, not one route but a series of routes, maybe three. But Mike took them. He drove out to Delaware County in his car, a nineteen ninety-three Toyota Camri... the dark green one... the one you see coming and going. It runs. He calls it a classic. All his homies say it's a hoop-tee. But he keeps it clean and polished and bought this kit to fix the splits in the vinyl on the dashboard, so it looks alright.

As they left the city and continued into the modest, close-in suburbs, Ca-Ca said - How'd you find this place?..... From some 'app.' They got an app, 'Visit The Dead,' it's called. You put in the age, year of death, address while living and some other crap and they tell ya - he said.... Timothy goes - This feels creepy.... Mike goes - It is creepy. But I read this thing that says the dead forgive everybody, 'cause they know the reasons for everything and like they're living in paradise, so what the hell do they care?..... Ca-Ca - You think Esther's in paradise?....Mike thinks for a moment and goes - Yeah...... Timothy hiccups and sighs.

They turn off into some residential 'township'...small, brick, colonial houses, scattered, little strip malls with chain drug stores and fast food joints, maybe a convenience store or a dry cleaner and then there on the left is the cemetery, an open, more or less flat green field with scattered bushes, isolated trees and a multitude of granite monuments marking the subterranean 'homes' of the dead. The late afternoon, November sun bathes everything in a crisp, clear orange light. Mike parks the car in on a little, gravel lot. They get out. He leads the two contrite killers down a winding path. Then he says - Right here. This is it.... How do you know? - says Ca-Ca. There ain't no tombstone..... Timothy whispers - They don't call 'em tombstones no more. They call 'em monuments...... OK, 'monuments' - says Ca-Ca. But how do you know this is the place?.... Mike says - I know. They give you a print out on the computer. Tell ya who's next door and all around her. See Frances Davis over there?..... They squint into the sun and look.... He continues - Well, right by her is Esther..... The two killers look down at a dry, tan rectangle of dirt.... Ca-Ca goes - How come she ain't got no grass?... Mike goes - Jesus Christ, Ca-Ca, how long you think it's been since you two killed her?!... They just stand there with their hands shoved in their pockets, lookin' at the ground.... Timothy says - Should we say something?... Mike goes - What do you think?.... Tim shrugs.... Ca-Ca says - Sorry, Esther... Tim goes - Yeah, sorry Esther. I hope you're happy with God and all.... Something makes Ca-Ca grin and she says - I hope you don't have to fart all the time anymore...... Tim reverently nods. Then they just stand there some more, only now their hands ain't shoved down their pockets....Mike goes - Ask her to forgive you..... Ca-Ca, in a quiet voice, says - I did.... Did she - asks Mike?..... Ca-Ca just shrugs..... Tim says - What kind a box she in? I read even the steel-metal ones dent and cave in after a few days.... Mike goes - Come on, you know her mother. What kind you think?... Ca-Ca looks up and says - Probably a cheap one?... Mike goes - Yeah, a cheap one....

He leads them back along the narrow, winding path. They get in the car and leave.

But here and there among the graves we notice eight foot tall, seemingly 'ornamental, wrought iron poles with leaves around them and other appropriate decorations. The setting sun glints off small, glass lenses at the top... security cameras put up to catch vandals.

Maybe next time they check 'em they'll find something else...

<more next time>

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ONE SPOUSE GOTTA GO WITH THE OTHER WHEN SKIN DOCTOR BUST THEY BOILS... 9/15/15

Ca-Ca's kitchen... The next evening. Four people sit 'round the table under the old 'copper' pull down light fixture -- Ca-Ca, Timothy, Ca-Ca's cousin Mike and an Amy Winehouse wannabe named Cheyanne.

They all talk at once....

Ca-Ca- SHUT UP you asshole idiots and let her talk!

Cheyanne - (cracks her gum) Alls I wanna say is we gotta talk money. I'll do it. I got a drivers license. I ain't got no record and I do not currently do drugs.

Mike - And she wants to go to California...

Cheyanne - That's just part of it, you numb nuts son of a bitch!

Mike - She'll dump you in a minute and run away with the money. You'll be cryin' outside a Fat Burger. You wanna do something smart? Kill her too.

Cheyanne - Why is he in here. Why is he even in here? You know I wanna go to California. I'm gonna be a singer...

Mike - Or give hand jobs...

The two ten year olds snicker.

Ca-Ca - Can't we all just get along?!

They get quiet.

Ca-Ca - What I keep thinkin' is if Mike comes, like as our big brother, he brings his share of the money too. Then we have it all...

Mike - You won't have it 'all.'

Ca-Ca - I don't mean like that. I mean we'll have it all together. Thirty six thousand dollars... all of it in one place.

Cheyanne - Yeah, but he got a record...

They hear a noise in the alley out back.

Cheyanne - What time your parents get home?

Ca-Ca - Not for a while. They gotta bust all the boils in her fat creases...

Mike - And your dad puts up with that?

Ca-Ca - What do you mean?! YES he puts up with it.  They got her naked on a big table, under a big light. He HAS to be there. She's his wife, you dumb shit. And she's MY mother!!

Cheyanne - Won't you miss her? I mean like if we run away.

Ca-Ca doesn't say anything. She thinks for a couple heartbeats and nods.

Timothy - (clears his throat) I think we're gonna need more money. You know how much gas costs? You know how much cheap motels cost? And bed bug stuff? And forty chicken nuggets cost ten dollars.

Nobody says anything...

Timothy - We're gonna spend at least one hundred dollars a day, not counting Tylenol and cold pills and sneakers and jeans and underwear and stuff for her period and deodorant and...

Ca-Ca - Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! We don't just drive around. And she's not gone to California. How the hell does she think we can afford California?! We find a little town up in the mountains and ...

Mike - And What? Buy a cabin? You know how much cabins cost? Jesus Christ! Don't you ever wastch HGTV?!?!

Timothy - This isn't gonna work. We're not gone no where. They're gonna catch us and that's it... And now SHE knows too and either we kill her or I don't know what we're gonna do....

Cheyanne - Nobody gotta kill me. My neighbor, Bob, killed his wife and stuffed her in an old water boiler. Put it out with the trash. Nothing happened and that was fifteen months ago. Said she left him for a dealer in Atlantic City....

Timothy - And how do you know this?

Cheyanne - (shrugs and cracks her gum)

Mike breaks out in a fit of laughing.....

Cheyanne - Yeah, so now maybe Bob gotta kill all a youse!

Mike - (still laughing) Only if we let you out a here. Only if we let you leave.

Ca-Ca - He stuffed her in an old water boiler?

Cheyanne - Yeah, why?

Ca-Ca - Nothin' (looks at Timothy) Maybe we should talk to Bob?...

<cut to black... continued next time>

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GUANO IS BAT SHIT ... 9/14/15

a rest from Ca-Ca and Timothy and all that #HomicideWanderers

Some chain gangs are so deep in the woods they can do all kinds a stuff.... chop off feet and jam red hot metal cups over stumps and make bastids walk around on 'em. Shove a prisoner's arm down the wood chipper and serve it up as 'hash' come chow time.

Camp McHattie one a the worst. Commandant called 'Big Daddy.' And he ride around on a medieval looking dove grey Percheron stallion named Zeke, who the only horse I ever seed with his teeth filed down into huge sharp yellow points. 

An' then they got Punkin Head. Bought him off a ship captain out a French Guyana. Tried to cut his head off down Devil's Island. But a big bolt a lightning hit the blade just 'fore it break the skin, causin; it to go in a little crazy-like. Head fly off (most of it) but little bit a brain stem left hangin' out a the neck, all throbbin' and oozin'. Windpipe all suckin' air an' blowin' bubbles.

Camp saw-bones start hollerin'. He say - Don't put him in a box! Don't put him in a box! ... Cause they had a nice empty, corrugated cardboard box used a hold cans of Spaghetti-O's all ready for him. So medic guy goes to work. Can't stitch on the head, 'cause it dead. But he can pull the skin up tight 'round the edge a that windpipe an' staple it down real tight. He can do that... cover up throbbin' brain stem and waa-laa... headless bastid keep right on tickin'. All you need is a brain stem to keep your systems runnin'. Learned that on a box a Lucky Charms. Guy was blind and deaf and think like a rattle snake but he still run around, wave his hands like a sissy gal and piss hisself all over the place. Take food through his pie-hole too. Medic guy cleaned that up real good.

Big Daddy, the commandant guy put him in a room. Put naughty prisoner in wit' him. Lock it up an' let 'em get to know each other. Punkin Head start grabbin' and feelin' and humpin'. He hump everything. It like a religion wit' him. Then he stick his fingers in wherever he can... gouges eyes... do all that. He got like a routine. He got like an act. No punkin on top a his neck when he in there, just a round, smooth mound wit' two holes in it... one 'cause he gotta breeve and one 'cause he gotta eat.

Sometimes prisoner die. Sometimes they don't. But they always crazy. Punkin Head wear a punkin head on his neck when he run around outside. He got a lot a punkin heads. One like Bette Boop, but with little hole on her lips to let air in. One like evil jack-o-lantern. An' one like Michael Jackson if he had a big, blowed up orange head. Got a nice, black, shiny wig and everything. One like Elizabeth Taylor, but she don't look so good.

Prisoners hate Punkin Head.

Worse than naughty guys get 'caramelized'. Slide 'em in a tube shaped, iron oven... real tight, like a mummy box. Got holes all over for the fire to get in. Commandant tricky. Sometimes he not light it up for days. Prisoner shake. Prisoner jump. Prisoner scream, 'cause he think fire gonna come in. Nobody like when fire come in. Some prisoner die real fast. But most die when lining of de lung get all burned up. They don't die right away. Take a few minute for brain to suffocate. That how it is.

We dig guano out a caves at Camp McHattie. We dig bat shit out a hot fetid caves. I forgot to tell you that. I been bit by a bat, so I'm a little batty.

Sometime we find old skeletons in the bat shit. Figure they prisoners what died. Tomorrow my birthday. I would like to get a set a golf clubs so I can give the big heavy one to a fella and have him bash my brains out. I would like that very much.

Commandant 'd get so mad.

tee hee hee hee hee...

<back to homicide wanderers next time>

 

A FAKE BIG SISTER MIGHT BE JUST AS GOOD AS A FAKE MOM ... 9/12/15

Timothy and Ca-Ca sit in a bus stop shelter. There's a little bit of snow and ice on the ground. Light traffic. Few people. Grat-white sky.

Tim watches the vapor come out of his mouth. Ca-Ca thinks. She says - There's gotta be like twenty kids who look like us. We're not special. I went in the cloak room and looked at all the coats. You know how many girls got pink coats like mine? And the boys are even worse. So what if that stinkin' shit for brains saw us. He eats Doritos with chopsticks. I saw him. And they weren't even chopsticks. I think they were long, skinny pencils, like advertising for some company. He smiled at me and his teeth were all yellow-orange.

Tim goes - Why are you talking so fast? She goes - No I'm not. I'm not talking fast. Shut up. I am not.... He goes back to watching the vapor rise from his lips.

A cop car rolls by. Ca-Ca freezes, but nothing happens... Four heartbeats later, she repeatedly bangs the back of her head against the thick plexi-glass....,. Tim looks but does nothing.... Then she stops, leans against the cloudy, scratched up barrier and says - I feel like calling the cops. I feel like telling them. I feel like taking my Sharpies and a piece of that heavy, white construction paper and makin' a card, a big f#cking card --- Dear Cops, I killed Esther. I let the life out of her with the long, sharp point of an old corroded, metal compass thing. And I let the life out of her over and over and over again.... Then I'll draw a picture. You know those flowers I always draw, the ones with the cute happy faces? Well, these'll be sad ones and they'll say 'R.I.P., Esther.'

Tim looks at her and goes - You say that, but you won't do it.

Ca-Ca goes - Yes I would. So they lock me up. I'll sit by myself and read all day...(she shrugs)... He goes - You'd go crazy in two weeks.... She goes - Fine, then I'll write my own books. You gotta be crazy to do that.... He goes - You wanna go home?.... She goes - I can't. I can't get up yet. I have to just sit here.... He nods....

After a bit Ca-Ca says - I think if they put me away, I'd wind up killin' a kid.... Tim goes - You didn't do nothing to that money, did you?... Ca-Ca goes - No, I still got it, eighteen thousand dollars... Tim asks - You still got it in that Spiderman lunch box?... She goes - Yep..... He goes - I'm thinkin'. We don't need no fake mom if we run away. How 'bout just a big brother, or a big sister? All they have to be is twenty one years old, eighteen even. I don't know. ... Ca-Ca goes - Why? You got somebody?....This time he shrugs... But he gives her a look like maybe he does.

A bus pulls up, crunching on the ice and snow. Two thickset, middle aged women get off and sit down on the bench right next to Ca-Ca and Timothy,  to wait for their connection.... After a few heartbeats our scared killers (remember, Tim helped kill Esther too) get up and hurry off....

We watch from a distance, as they slip and slide down a narrow, cobbled street lined with plain, tiny row houses, under a cold, damp, darkening sky...

<more next time>

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